IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  7:39 am May 17, 2010

This Is Not a Repeat of Last Week (and the Week Before Last, Etc.)

by Ken Layne

  • Sittin' here in my safe European home ....The global economy appears to be in freefall, with Asian markets dropping more than 2% and the Euro dropping to four-year lows against everything. Meanwhile, the U.S. economy seems to be on the mend, finally, but also nobody really believes this, in their hearts, and unemployment is still officially at 9.9% — the real rate is more than 17% –and one-in-five American men are jobless today and will never again have full-time work in America. And California will be the “Next Greece.” Also don’t sell your wife’s diamond ring on Craigslist because crazy/desperate people will come to your house and murder you. U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner says it’s all going to be fine, Europe will fix its own problems, you can totally trust him on this, etc. [Marketwatch/Bloomberg/NYT]
  • The BP Oil Spill is likely ten times bigger than BP’s estimates, and there are 10-mile-long “oil plumes” underwater, and nobody really has an accurate idea of what’s happening except for the deep-sea robots, who aren’t talking. But BP says its third attempt to stem the crude oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico at least worked a little bit. The Obama Administration was all, “Yeah that is not a solution, shut up.” [Business Week/NPR]
  • Britain’s two busiest airports are shut down, again, because of the volcano, which is never ever going to quit erupting. [BBC News]
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Hola wonkerados.

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Helefink May 17, 2010 at 7:46 am

And on top of all that, Ronnie James Dio is fucking dead! \m/

cheeto_jeebus May 17, 2010 at 8:01 am

Our Squid Overlords are gonna be pissed when they find all that dirty oil plume underwear.

plowman May 17, 2010 at 8:02 am

‘Don’t worry, be happy’

Baldar T Flagass May 17, 2010 at 8:17 am

[re=578220]Helefink[/re]: At least nobody else will die, ever, because he was the last in line.

x111e7thst May 17, 2010 at 8:18 am

EU Will Resolve Crisis, Yuan Will Rise. Christina Aguilera will stop by my house to give me a blowjob on her way to her next video shoot. Also.

red sky May 17, 2010 at 8:20 am

Everyone one is always bitching about the price of oil. Now it comes free with sea water!! Problem solved, thanks BP. Up next we’ll air drop live cows from 10,000 feet onto starving Ethiopians. Hunger fixed!

bureaucrap May 17, 2010 at 8:27 am

I actually did talk to the deep-sea underwater robots this morning. They said, “So long, and thanks for all the electricity.”

ez May 17, 2010 at 8:29 am

Well at least the Republicans aren’t working to limit Big Oil’s fiscal responsibility when a spill occurrs.


Limeylizzie May 17, 2010 at 8:35 am

Yes, but in other news Miss USA is an Arab-American…cue the Wingnuttery , she is also NOT natural Born, so Red State might be interesting today.

Chernobyl Soup May 17, 2010 at 8:45 am

[re=578230]Limeylizzie[/re]: Well you just know that the beauty pageant circuit is rife with liberal operatives.

Baldar T Flagass May 17, 2010 at 8:46 am

[re=578227]red sky[/re]: Up next we’ll air drop live cows from 10,000 feet onto starving Ethiopians.

I wonder how you say “Run Away!!” in Amharic.

Naked Bunny with a Whip May 17, 2010 at 8:48 am

If that volcano prevents my boyfriend from flying here from the UK in November, you can damned well bet I’ll be writing Iceland a stern note.

freakishlystrong May 17, 2010 at 8:52 am

Well. Happy fucking Monday Wonkett.

x111e7thst May 17, 2010 at 8:52 am

[re=578230]Limeylizzie[/re]: On the other hand she thinks states rights are wonderful things and Az’s “breathing while brown” law is peachy.

Limeylizzie May 17, 2010 at 8:54 am

[re=578235]x111e7thst[/re]: So, the Wingnuts will be in such a tizzy today.

obfuscator May 17, 2010 at 8:56 am

i just read this and now i’m going back to bed. after i drink some vodka.

Way Cool Larry May 17, 2010 at 8:56 am

Just wait until the Wall Street robots get it on with the deep undersea robots. Then we’re really screwed.

the problem child May 17, 2010 at 9:02 am

[re=578238]Way Cool Larry[/re]: But well-lubricated by the oil plumes.

Chernobyl Soup May 17, 2010 at 9:06 am

[re=578238]Way Cool Larry[/re]: Somewhere Sam Waterston is saying I told you so.

PsycGirl May 17, 2010 at 9:12 am

[re=578230]Limeylizzie[/re]: Beauty and breasts may override RedState’s racist inclinations on this one. Now if she were average-looking and brilliant, with x-ray vision and the ability to cure cancer and vanquish world hunger, that would be different.

gertrudis May 17, 2010 at 9:15 am

[re=578234]freakishlystrong[/re]: Tell me why
I don’t like Mondays
I’m gonna shoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oot
the whole day down

Long Form Def Certificate May 17, 2010 at 9:17 am

[re=578230]Limeylizzie[/re]: In her honour, I played Mustard Plug’s “Miss Michigan” while I engaged in my Joycelyn Elders’s approved ministrations.

Long Form Def Certificate May 17, 2010 at 9:18 am

Have you been to the Castro? California’s been Greek for a very, very long time.

Limeylizzie May 17, 2010 at 9:24 am

[re=578261]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: We all must do our bit to foster Arab/Christian/Jewish relations , however , Ralph Nader just doesn’t do it for me.

JMP May 17, 2010 at 9:33 am

[re=578235]x111e7thst[/re]: But does she personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, believe that our, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.

Long Form Def Certificate May 17, 2010 at 9:34 am

[re=578269]Limeylizzie[/re]: Ralph Nader is unsafe… for any fantasy.

Panquake May 17, 2010 at 9:37 am

You’re a bucket of fucking cheer this morning, Ken.

Actually, the Euro can plummet all it wants in the next two weeks. I’ll be in France by then.

proudgrampa May 17, 2010 at 9:41 am

Jesus. This is like a computer program in an infinite loop.

Limeylizzie May 17, 2010 at 9:43 am

[re=578278]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: I could probably moisten up a bit for Tony Shalhoub.

DC Hates Me May 17, 2010 at 9:45 am

This is all the fault of Hephaestus .. frankly.

Dolmance May 17, 2010 at 9:50 am

Can we please go back to items that are important on Wonkette, like blow by blow accounts of having sex with Orly Taitz, who was “tighter and wetter than girls half her age?”

My psyche has been like a skipping record ever since that was reported on this site. I can’t get past it. And God forgive me, I want to know more.

user-of-owls May 17, 2010 at 9:56 am

What, nothing about e-minis? Ken, you’re gonna have to try harder if you want us all out on the ledge.

Tim May 17, 2010 at 9:58 am

Uh, Wonkette, DIO is dead. A crack opened up in the earth beneath his hospital bed, and he descended screaming into the flames, to rad shredding guitar solos.

Surfeit O'Hubris May 17, 2010 at 10:07 am

I fucking hate Meg Whitman. Just sayin’

Cape Clod May 17, 2010 at 10:11 am

Ken, you missed the bit about how the oil slick is going to get into the Gulf Stream and pollute the entire east coast. Or the news about how Thailand is drifting into civil war and nobody can go on sex vacations anymore. Were you busy fiddling with your camera out in the middle of nowhere again this weekend?

Long Form Def Certificate May 17, 2010 at 10:14 am

[re=578284]Limeylizzie[/re]: He’s from Sturgeon Bay!

Cannot get more American & Apple-pie than that.

Red Zeppelin May 17, 2010 at 10:27 am

[re=578280]Panquake[/re]: Lucky bastard. I remember being in France in 1984 when a buck got you 10 Francs and you could buy a bottle of generic plonk for like 7. As a student, that was pretty much my only expense.

Ken Layne May 17, 2010 at 10:41 am

[re=578319]Cape Clod[/re]: Sadly did not miss that — it’s in the oil spill horror report from … two weeks ago? Like I said, everything’s on Infinite Loop. No wait, like proudgrampa said.

As for the Euro, I am sad about the fucking global economy collapsing again, before it even got up, but hooray for you lucky ducks headed to Europe right now. I have never felt richer than 2000 when 85 american pennies would buy a Euro’s worth of wine and dinner and cigarettes. On my tombstone it will say “Didn’t even look at the prices on the menus in Europe, 2000.”

DemmeFatale May 17, 2010 at 11:04 am

HUBRIS: I know, right? Her ads about “Liberal Steve Poizner” make me want to vote for him! (And I fought like hell to defeat him when he spent 7 million of his own money on an Assembly race. My candidate (Ruskin) ended up spending 2 million, but we won!)

libwakman May 17, 2010 at 11:25 am

Limeylizzie: And I shudder in American paranoia to know that Ms. Arabiannight won even after she slipped on the hem of her burqua. Burka..barak..Baraka..ahhh, new ammo for the batshitcrazies of the good ole’ USA..USA.

libwakman May 17, 2010 at 11:28 am

And I am STILL techno-deprived on how to get posters names to glow all orangie & shit.

Jim89048 May 17, 2010 at 12:55 pm
gertrudis May 17, 2010 at 1:20 pm

[re=578262]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: Can I buy china with young men playing leapfrog on it in the Castro?
[re=578373]Ken Layne[/re]: Brit Hume and his spill-denying cohorts need to be dropped into the oily Gulf Stream and forced to swim to England by way of Labrador next November. If they make it, beat them with cricket bats and give them jobs as PR flacks for BP.

sardonica May 17, 2010 at 1:30 pm

Over on Jim Kunstler’s blog, he has us about a half-inch away from the zombie apocalypse, only this time I kind of believe him. Off to buy more ammo and peanut butter!

JMP May 17, 2010 at 1:59 pm

[re=578426]libwakman[/re]: Just hit “reply” on the comment that you wish to, well, reply to.

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