Just as Stephen Hawking’s dire warning about the Space Aliens made the news three weeks ago, engineers at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory discovered a puzzling development in the datastream sent by Voyager 2, the space probe launched in 1977 that is currently 8.5 billion miles from Earth and 5 billion miles beyond the orbit of Pluto, our most distant (former) planet. On April 22, the radio signal from V2 went haywire. It no longer makes any sense at all, following 33 straight years of good data. One “German academic” says this is because Space Monsters have hijacked the probe, decoded the Earth Greetings contained upon the “Golden Record” attached to the Voyager probes, and are now trying to answer us. Didn’t Stephen Hawking warn us about exactly this situation?
The serious Tory newspaper The Telegraph reports today:
NASA claimed that a software problem with the flight data system was the cause but Mr Hausdorf believes it could be the work of aliens. This is because all other parts of the spacecraft appear to be functioning fine.
He told the German newspaper Bild: “It seems almost as if someone has reprogrammed or hijacked the probe – thus perhaps we do not yet know the whole truth.”
Voyager 2 carries a disk with greetings in 55 languages on it in case the craft encounters other life forms.
But then we clicked through to the BILD story and of course the source is a “UFO expert.”
Everybody relax! Or not, because then we checked JPL’s Voyager weekly mission-update page and found that it hasn’t been updated for several weeks, not since April. Everybody panic!
Stephen Hawking’s warning, by the way, is that we are foolish to advertise our presence to whatever Highly Advanced Race might be bumming around this end of the Milky Way, because they are going to invade and kill us all just like the Marines did to those blue-skinned gay cartoon deer in that 3D movie everybody already forgot about. And then the monsters will take their plunder (either the new iPhone or a take-out order of Duff’s famous gristle ‘n tendon grease bones) and go back to their Home Planet.
While you’re waiting to be raped/eaten by the Galactic Beasts, here’s one of the actual recordings we attached to those Voyager probes. It’s by Stravinsky, because he certainly never incited violence with his musical insanity, right? Oh well maybe they sent something benign … ha, no, they sent “Sacrificial Dance” from The Rite of Spring. All the time, it was …. We finally, really did it. Maniacs! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
[Spaceflight Daily/Telegraph/Voyager Weekly Reports]
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In other news, Arizona is waiting to find out if said aliens will be light or dark scaled to figure out whether to outlaw them or not.
I, for one, welcome our new Alien Overlords.
Republicans/Teabaggers, in a striking blow in the name of ideological balance, were planning their own deep space probe, but they decided to simply stop when they got to “deep.”
Some serious scratching from the Space Grandmaster Flash.
V-GER!
This would have never happened if we sent the aliens a recording of the Ievan Polka.
If the probe returns as the centerpiece of a titanic alien entity called V’ger, no one could say we weren’t warned.
A screaming comes across the sky….
V2 = A4, right?
V’Ger’s liable to be in for one hell of a disappointment.
Sure, you laugh now, but wait until next week when some big assed ship shows up with a hot, bald Indian chic who plans to exterminate all of Earth’s carbon units.
When the aliens come I’m going to run up and try to get them to appoint me leader after I promise to help them organize everything so they can eat us.
[re=577862]mhale0[/re]: That, or it was used as target practice by a passing Klingon vessel.
There are credible earthlings who claim that the Sarah Palin Family is an advance party of Human Intelligence Destroyers, and I, for one, believe them.
When the aliens find out the “golden record” is a 78 rpm vinyl disc, they will shit themselves laughing at us.
DRINK YOUR OVALTINE!
Son of a bitch
[re=577862]mhale0[/re]: V’ger must evolve.
Its knowledge has reached the limits of this universe and it must evolve. What it requires of its god is the answer to its question: “Is there nothing more”?
The Voyagers. Back when NASA, and this country, made things that worked, and lasted for more than five minutes.
You know, back when “Our” former Nazi Scientists were better than “Their” former Nazi Scientists:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTKn1aSOyOs
Gather round while I sing you of Wernher von Braun
A man whose allegiance is ruled by expedience
Call him a Nazi, he won’t even frown
“Ha, Nazi schmazi,” says Wernher von Braun
Don’t say that he’s hypocritical
Say rather that he’s apolitical
“Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down
That’s not my department,” says Wernher von Braun
Some have harsh words for this man of renown
But some think our attitude should be one of gratitude
Like the widows and cripples in old London town
Who owe their large pensions to Wernher von Braun
You too may be a big hero
Once you’ve learned to count backwards to zero
“In German oder English I know how to count down
Und I’m learning Chinese,” says Wernher von Braun
Yeah, yeah, I know that “former” should be in ironic quotation marks as well.
From the Aliens:
SEND MORE CHUCK BERRY.
I hope the lady aliens are hot and slutty.
It is good, then, the the visonaries at ABC have chosen to renew the cautionary remake “V”, while axing “Flash Forward.” Fucking smeg-dust blowers.
Sarah Palin attacked quickly, claiming that the alien transmissions were part of the mainstream media
“On April 22, the radio signal from V2 went haywire. It no longer makes any sense at all”.
it no longer makes any sense at all… to us. to the intended recipients, it makes perfect sense. look at the date, peeps. this is two days after the oil volcano erupted. the signal is obviously being transmitted to the whales to let them know help is on the way. we are in deep shit, peeps. there shall be no mercy shown, no escape allowed.
the only rational course of action from here on out is to stay as drunk and stoned as possible and fuck like there’s no tomorrow.
oh… we were already doing that? well, carry on, then.
[re=577884]Cape Clod[/re]: Beat me to it!
I hope they scorch this rock. After they return me to my home planet, of course.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hiE5_QShYs
Now THIS is some science!!!!
55 languages?
Have the dolphins starting leaving while thanking us for all the fish yet?
[re=577868]V572625694[/re]: NASA’s Rainbow may be in Gravity timeout.
I’m not even going to try to be clever. I’m just so funcking tired of stupid people today.
I’m ready for these brain sucking space zombies from your anus or whatever.
I’ve got a harmonica, yodeling music, salt water, a couple CO2 fire extinguishers, some old tissues from when I had a cold, software viruses, some Mr. Spock fucking-with-android-logic and 2 years of space diapers. As W would say, bring it on!
The warranty ran out.
Wow, Gene Roddenberry was right!
I’m waiting to find out what Ollie North knows about this.
The radio interference is due to horny aliens humping the nearby Pioneer plaque:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Pioneer_plaque.svg
[re=577868]V572625694[/re]: Wait a minute, that’s a cozy little nom de wonkette you’ve got there! Hmmm. Trying to keep us on the “Path of Funny”, indeed.
Stravinsky’s lucky he’s dead now, since the galactic monsters have little trumpet thingys and stings on them that they use to communicate. They are coming to retaliate with one of their own recorded ballets, which sounds to us like Michelle Bachman, Sarah Palin, Pat Buchanan and Stephen Hawking yelling and screaming. They’ll watch 2 hours of CSPAN and decide to take all our wingnutz back with them, ‘cuz to them, their mad howlings are the most beautiful music.
[re=577925]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: OMG, is that Scott Brown?
Shoulda used Duracell.
goddamn star trek
Goddamn, it’s just the joyous work of space dolphins. Relax.
[re=577929]Radiotherapy[/re]: Just staying under the double integral. The screen name is actually my Victoria’s Secret password.
[re=577869]Extemporanus[/re]: [re=577877]WadISay[/re]: [re=577865]AxmxZ[/re]:
The ‘Golden Record sent into Space’ story is a FRAUD! Deep-cover alien agent Lou Reed swapped it out for Metal Machine Music, which is really auditised programming instructions for the alien neuro-weapons to better target the human Dopamine-β Ring! WE’RE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!!!!!!!!
[re=577886]Voyou Charmant[/re]: If Anna and Lisa from TeeVee fame are any indicators, I’ll die happy.
Wait, we put the ROCKET NUTZ on the V-2, right?
I thought the aliens were already here, based on the photographic evidence I’ve seen in the form of that disturbing animated McCain gif that shows up here.
This is good news for John McCain’s tongue.
At least we didn’t send out a chrome 8-track tape.
[re=577945]Bearbloke[/re]: There’s a story that someone wanted to include some Bach on the disk, but Carl Sagan said, “That would just be showing off.”
(No snark, sorry)
[re=577944]V572625694[/re]: A double naught spy in the house of wonkette and likes the sweet satin…Brilliant!!1!
The data is unreadable because someone stole the recieving antenna from Yucca valley.
And who names their child Hartwig Hausdorf? Not earthlings.
Unfortunately, Lush Rimjob’s rantings got to the alien fleet first. Now they’re a-comin’, photon torpedoes locked and loaded.
Snark aside, perhaps V-ger is starting to pass through the heliopause, which may not be as far as previously thought.
I would also like to take this time to thank the Voyager engineers. The program turned out to be a real bargain. It was the fruits of their labors that spawned my interest in astronomy. Those images. Wow. The fact that it can still maintain a communication lock on that tiny speck called Earth amongst all the background radiation using 70s tech (punchcard programming) is nothing short of amazing.
[re=577944]V572625694[/re]: I love their pay site.
Although I love Stravinsky, I saw the Rite of Spring ballet two springs ago, and his celebration of Stalins death, the 6th Symphony I think, is one of my favorites, his work is an odd choice for an intergalactic greeting. So marshal. It sounds like Star Trek fight scene music. I could imagine the aliens hearing that, and putting up their gifts of flowers and wine, and getting out their sabers
[re=577944]V572625694[/re]: Wow. All this time I thought it Richard Viguerie’s SSN.
[re=577944]V572625694[/re]: Also, and too, would you be knowing the whereabouts of Little Polynomial?
Clearly an alien race wanting to make contact would prefer to intercept and laboriously reprogram a random tin can floating among the minor debris past the Kuiper belt, rather than just visiting or transmitting signals directly at Earth, you know, the Earth, the big consistent-orbit rock conveniently close to a star and spewing out RF radiation in every direction
If you google search for the “German UFO expert” you get references to the History Channel and a bunch of sites about the “Chinese Pyramid Controversy”. WHY HAS ANDREW BREITBART NOT EXTENDED THIS MAN AN OFFER YET.
[re=577979]FlipOffResearch[/re]: “Martial” is a good description. It’s so hostile and tense!
Alien message decodes as follows: I am Lur from the planet Omicron Persei 8!
Has anyone alerted the @TheRealNimoy and @williamshatner yet, by the way?
As long as the aliens are not overly-represented on the Supreme Court, I’m OK with this. Oh, who am I kidding, we’re all screwed.
[re=577882]Neilist[/re]: At least we’ll all go together when we go.
Carl Sagan can be blamed for the record, if not the Stravinsky.
And, if you saw the original Star Trek movie, you already know what has happened to Voyager.
Don’t worry, they come to serve Humanity.
Wait until the next probe goes out with the complete “Monsters of Tampa” death metal compilation. It will either scare them off or make them visit our strip clubs.
[re=577960]AgnosticTheocrat[/re]:
Hehehe! Nice.
[re=577904]ElRaton[/re]: 42.
[re=577990]mcc[/re]: Klaatu barada nikto
Today (or some day soon, you watch) we are all blue-skinned gay cartoon deer.
I know how to fend off an alien attack — we should start a Facebook group called Earth Sucks and fill it with lousy reviews of the planet — it’s too hot, it’s too cold, it has animals that bite, the service is lousy, etc. etc. So when the aliens enter earth orbit in preparation for the invasion, and they check out Facebook to see what the place is like, they’ll run across Earth Sucks and they’ll be like, “Maybe we should invade that gas giant around Aldebaran instead.” In fact, I might apply for DARPA funding.
“Metal Machine Music” boosted my IQ by 30 points, especially when I listened all the way to the end of the LP’s.
If there were aliens, and if they wanted to go traveling, and if they wanted to get stuff, then they’d still need a reason to come here. What, then, would be rare… rare enough to make the trip? Biology is complex chemistry (ask the kids ready to jump off the roof when the Org. Chem. finals hit), and it’s the best factory out there. Coming for our natural resources? Ha. Our organs, maybe, and our bacteria more likely.
We should have sent some mold.
Hopefully this crew is not behind the hijacking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_BPcDOjJCc
[re=577877]WadISay[/re]: Aliens are hipsters, so they’ll be glad that it’s at least not a CD.
Re-direct all auxilary power to the baby jesus! Bring it on, alien bitches!
I’d prefer to think of our new alien overlords as merely tourists. Earth is like the Tijuana of the Milky Way, but Tijuana also has donkey shows, and a never-ending supply of hayseeds from Kansas willing to go there and spend money to witness said donkey shows. It’s all about profits!
Here’s your problem – from the NASA web site for Voager 1:
Total Distance Traveled Since Launch (Km)
21,833,000,000
20,860,000,000
Total Distance Traveled Since Launch (Mi)
113,566,000,000
12,962,000,000
See that. Some kids took V-ger 1 for a 100 billion mile joy ride and forgot to also set the English Mile odometer back.
I blame the Canadians. They are on the metric system and this is just the sort of prank those sneaky bastards would pull.
[re=577975]Servo[/re]: Probably not. Isn’t Lush Limpballs mostly on AM? Those radio waves, thankfully, get bent back to earth and don’t escape. Mother Gaia saves us, again.
[re=578048]SayItWithWookies[/re]: In a Facebook group called “earth sucks,” Facebook would be Exhibit #1.
[re=578099]Gumboz1953[/re]:
Every single electromagnetic signal ever transmitted is at this moment traveling through space at the speed of light, regardless of frequency/wavelength or form of modulation, if applicable.
we should’ve sent the hokey pokey, that’s what it’s all about.
I hope they send the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. Since he is “the most insanely idiotically dense creature in existance” maybe he could get a gig on FOX and Friends.
So Long. Thanks for all the fish.
Darth Cheney told Bush, “In Space nobody can hear you… fart, Luke”.
Yes, there were greetings in 55 languages and the mating call of the humpback whale, and much else. But what is not mentioned here is the decision behind the only rock recording included on the golden disc. After much argument and discussion about the Beatles, Stones, etc etc, it was finally decided that the one example of the rock genre that would be blasted into deep space to be found a trillion years from now would be: Chuck Berry, Johnny B. Goode. Cut to launch pad in 1977. Countdown to ignition and lift off. Cue the music: Go Johnny go. Go go go Johnny go. Johnny B Goode
[re=578007]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]:
Yeah. V-ger gathers all the knowledge in the universe but doesn’t know it’s own fuckin’ name because his name tag got smudged with space scum.
Let’s hope they don’t have a book called “To Serve Man”.
[re=577945]Bearbloke[/re]: Are you sure it is not Ween’s “Mourning Glory” from 1992′s Pure Guava:
You know, ’cause nature is just as part of us as we are to the earth.
I said yeah.
And the pumpkins, the pumpkins went further into the woods.
And they came across this little man…with a big, big head.
And the little man said,
What’s your fucking idea you fuckers?!
What are you fucking high?!
And the little pumpkin says,
We’re the pumpkins to join yours for a loose the pumpkin.
Oooey! Oooey! Oooey!
You ain’t been in my world.
You never been in my world.
You never will be in my world.
It’s the “demon-god” Boognish, coming to take us Home.
All we know is that there’s still no contact with V2, and that a xenomorph may be involved.
It’s a bughunt…
[re=578099]Gumboz1953[/re]: What about Short Wave? Radio home of the weirdest American evangelists, racists, ultra-right-wingers of every sort? Hard to say what space aliens would make of Dr Gene Scott or Brother Stair.
[re=577990]mcc[/re]: Too much rationality. What if it’s an alien race composed entirely of Andrew Breitbarts? In which case, Hawking’s rule of no-talky, no-zappie makes a lot of sense.
[re=578216]schvitzatura[/re]: Where is Sigorney Weaver when you need her?
[re=578120]pirate king of the Jews[/re]: You suggest the best way to watch Fox is with a towel draped over your head?
So if the Italian aliens like Columbus land on the shores of the USA USA, we will all end up mornin’ til evenin’ drunk on the reservation which is all scrubland & trailers with leaky roofs?
Fuck me, halt the broadcasts beamed into the space-place now, holey moley.
“Voyager 2 carries a disk with greetings in 55 languages on it in case the craft encounters other life forms.”
Hahaha..and these are our best & brightest scientists at work. 55 different languages just in case the outer space jelly like creatures that live there speak:
Italian
Mandarin
Hopi
Spanish
French..God forbid
And 50 other assorted tongues that the shape shifting, suction cup fingered, tall blue fucking aliens may speak.
John May Lives
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