Ha ha ha, don’t know how we missed this earlier in the week, but a thriller novelist named Brad Thor has been publishing major major national security Scoops at Andrew Breitbart’s Big Government joke blog: “Late this afternoon Lt. Colonel Oliver North confirmed that Taliban leader and Osama bin Laden ally, Mullah Mohammed Omar has been captured. The exclusive news of Omar’s capture was broken by Big Government Monday evening.” Oh my god. “According to Colonel North, Omar was picked up in Karachi on March 27th by the Pakistani Inter-Services Intelligence Directorate (ISI) who placed him under house arrest in what they call ‘community care.’” Sure, why not. Oliver North confirms to the trade paperback novelist at Andrew Breitbart’s joke blog that Mullah Omar was captured a month and a half ago. Hmm… looking for possible holes here… eh, we give up. Fucking most valid scoop in history.
Here’s some additional journalistically sound… random guessing by a novelist and Oliver North:
Of additional note in North’s reporting are the predictions that an immediate, Vietnam-style, “cease fire” may be a pre-requisite for talks, as might a demand that Omar be granted safe haven in Saudi Arabia. The latter likely being an untenable requirement for the United States.
One thing, though, is certain. As North puts it, there is a “near-total lack of intelligence on what’s really happening on the ground on either side of the Af-Pak border.” What little we are getting doesn’t seem to be getting to the appropriate people.
In light of this confirmation of Mullah Omar’s apprehension, a whole new set of questions now arise and have already started being asked around Washington. In particular, who knew what and when did they know it?
The Omar capture is only the tip of the iceberg. Expect to hear a lot more in the days and weeks to come.
For even more serious investigative journalism on this subject, see Brad Thor’s related article “Mullah Omar Wants Peace! (And He’s Got Killer Deals on Oceanfront Condos in Kandahar too),” complete with a very serious stock image of a wacky old hippie. (You know, “peace,” get it?)
Anyway, again, the novelist is claiming that MULLAH FREAKING OMAR, the leader of the Taliban and Osama bin Laden’s Spiritual Brother (that’s the muslin equivalent of “best bud”) and perhaps even the most wanted person in all of Terrorismland — yes, possibly more than Osama, since the main military goal right now is the Afghanistan war; besides, we can’t capture Osama, it would make it harder to keep escalating Middle East wars! — has been in custody since March 27 and only now is this, the Greatest News Ever, getting leaked to a novelist blog contributor, and Ollie North. Ollie North, who also knows that ISI wants amnesty and a condo in Saudi Arabia for Mullah Omar, a bratty, stupid negotiating demand that the United States Military & Diplomatic Corps simply cannot seem to work past. This is funny, but let’s stop typing. A bloody steak for Brad Thor, the world’s greatest journalist, tonight!
(No one believes it btw. If it turns out to be true, somehow, then, well… Intern Riley wrote this post. Eh?)
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Obviously, Obama is hiding this success in the War on Terra to undermine the War on Terra.
What is the sound of one fucktard fapping?
Four days before April 1 — and the story was released when? Just wondering.
Spiritual Broheme. Broseph. Brody. Brizzozzah. Brofuckyourself.
I’ve got a scoop: Osama bin Laden is secretly living in an Italian villa under the protection of a super-secret Obama guard, and Obama gave him most of the TARP money.
From now on, we must continually ask: Why is Obama protecting and financing bin Laden? And why does he keep lying about it? And why does he keep calling me insane?
Perhaps Barry was hoping to squeeze in a few rounds of golf with the fellow before having the good mullah’s fingernails yanked out while pouring bacon grease down Mr. Omar’s throat using a funnel made from bris leftover foreskins?
Is troo! He is under house arrest and Osama has been ordered to get a regular job and check in with his probation officer every month.
I like how they say “Lt Colonel” as if he’s on active duty with the ISI, and not some has-been with a TV show that’s only still on the air out of pity.
We got him.
Everyone except Ollie North repeat after me: “I have never in my life sold weapons to America’s enemies.”
There, whatever else you may have done, now you can feel just a little bit better about yourself.
Obama is trying to keep this whole thing secret because the capture was actually made by Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann in a daring Entebbe-style commando raid. The were both wearing leather bustiers and everything. So Barry’s peeved that these two courageous heroines, who love America, beat him to it.
I wonder how many guns he gave the Iranians to get this scoop.
You’re missing the greater point about this, which is that it doesn’t matter if the story is right or wrong. You see, the objective media has to be right every single time — but the right-wing noise machine only has to be right once.
Let’s try him in New York! Hooray!
“When this explosive information was quietly confirmed to United States Intelligence ten days ago by Pakistani authorities, it appeared to take the Defense Department by surprise. No one, though, is going to be more surprised than Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. It seems even with confirmation from the Pakistanis themselves, she was never brought up to speed.”
Women, amirite?
Well, it worked for Steven Seagal, and he works for Osama Bin Laden.
Why do you think the Taliban are so deadly and effective?
Hapkido training.
And where do you think they got that?
From Steven Seagal’s fat ass.
Why do you think Kelly LeBrock left him?
Because he’s Taliban!
http://video.adultswim.com/frisky-dingo/who-is-steven-seagal.html
[re=577834]Dave J.[/re]: she prolly thinks sarah jessica parker is pretty too.
Enjoy your death panel.
Mullah Omar tried to give some fake underage Brazilian prostitutes advice about tax shelters. They caught him on camera looking at their decolletage (a word which is confusing to Pakistanis, there being no translation into Urdu) and then he had to come in, or Breitbart would take the footage to O’reilly and Beck.
One thing, though, is certain. As North puts it, there is a “near-total lack of intelligence on what’s really happening on the ground on either side of the Af-Pak border.” What little we are getting doesn’t seem to be getting to the appropriate people.
If by appropriate people he means Ollie North and Breitbart’s clown college – that’s probably true. I don’t doubt North’s near total lack of intelligence no matter what side of the border he’s on.
[re=577828]PickneyPinchback[/re]: While Sarah and Michele were out front taking enemy fire, bikini-clad with machine guns throwing out pithy one-liners as they dispatched the enemy, behind the scenes it was a joint operation by the pajamas media brigade and redstate strike force, with Drudge supplying the Sirens.
Wait, we have confirmation. This story is being reported on wonkette. A statement from the White House is expected.
“Valhallelujah! Loki here, everybody — we got him!”
- Some Thor loser
He is being groomed for weeks of sexy-time with our terrorist president. It’s in Revelations, people!
I’m still unemployed and homeless — so is this good or bad news?
Also, I’m pretty sure I picked up Brad Thor at JRs last week. Just sayin…
Is it wrong to WISH that he was right? I mean, you don’t get that feeling that often from the Breitbart douchebag collective.
[re=577834]Dave J.[/re]: And don’t even get me started on that gold digging, crack smoking, bottle blonde boot mule, Fawn “faux-Farrah fucking Fawcett” Hall!
[re=577828]PickneyPinchback[/re]: More Aryan. Think GSG9 at Mogadishu.
Omar and Osama has the makings of a truly righteous bromance movie.
While the capture of Mullah Omar is a relief to the world in general, the news is tempered somewhat by the fact that Oliver North also reports that Batboy has escaped once again.
More germaine and to the point however: was Mullah Omar affiliated with the egg-throwing bus-defiling union thugs? Answer: **Duh**…Of course!
Admittedly, everything sounds more believable in Tom Clancy-esque mil-speak. Example: Sit-re advises, must terminate blog-ops NLT oh-seventeen-hundred hours Central; non-combatant spouse in agressor mode.
Reading the comments on the Biggovernment website, for some reason it gives me a sad that not a single person questions the validity of the article.
Starting the article with Lt. Col Oliver North should have sent skepticism alarms going off.
I accidentally read one of Thor’s books. Even in a genre that has a low bar, it was fucking horrible. The worst back-stabbin’ librul asshole senator in it should just have been named ‘Millary Minton’. Total hack.
But, in describing our hero, one can’t help but notice that the description is very close to Thor himself. But even more awesomely good-looking, talented and deadly!
[re=577878]Not_So_Much[/re]: I accidentally read one of his books, too. All I remember thinking while reading it is that the protaganist — with whom Thor clearly identifies — is the single biggest douche on the planet. There’s one scene where the protaganist just meets some CIA guy and decides to introduce himself by punching the CIA guy.
Well, I’m glad Beerfart has his hand on the pulse of the world news, Oliver North’s and Pat Boone’s blogs. Good work!!!
Osama is actually in Milwaukee, coincidentally at the same place Hitler tended bar at for years after the war. The place is now a Jewish singles club, and OBL, who now goes by “Sam,” is the activities director.
[re=577843]comicbookguy[/re]: The captured terrorists are being held in Palin’s Wasilla bunker under the watchful care of George Rekers.
[re=577852]Extemporanus[/re]: Hey, I wanted to make the Fawn Hall comment. Now I’ve got nothing.
Maybe the Lt. Col. received this intel hidden inside a Bible cake?
[re=577887]Holden Caulfield[/re]: guilty as well I read one about Afganistan where he’s fighting the Taliban . Truely horofic writing and about two thirds in he just goes on rant ala pope Benedict that everthing Islam has ever brought to this world is evil and violent. I was stunned, and this was the hero of the book. I guess he knows his walmart paperback audience.
Whatever happened to Fawn Hall, anyway? She had the quintessential ’80s hairstyle.
Really, Ollie Norf? The same man who fucked up the DEA’s war on drugs by fucking a sting operation against the Cali Cartel? The same guy who made a mess of in pretty much every covert op he touched?
It still galls me that Poppy Bush’s cocaine-dealing thug gets his own television show.
BTW, Brad Thor = gay porn star name?
[re=577943]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Does that still work if he’s a bottom??
[re=577943]ManchuCandidate[/re]: His orginal name was “God of Thunder Mighty Thor” But that wasn’t suitable for big letters on a paperback.
[re=577928]red sky[/re]: Got home and found the Brad Thor book. Took me about thirty seconds to find this random excerpt about the protaganist (Harvath) going on a joint mission with other American (!) forces:
He glanced around at the SAS team, all dressed dressed in Delta Force’s black, fire-retardant Nomex fatigue uniforms, as he was, and he knew he was going to have to watch his own back when the takedown took place. None of these guys were going to take care of him. That was fine by Harvath, because as far as he was concerned, not only could he outshoot and outmaneuver all of them, but he could also outthink them.
So the hero — with whom [porn star?] Brad Thor sympathizes was about to get fragged?
[re=577969]Holden Caulfield[/re]:
Hahaha
Describing the SAS as if they’re some chump retarded outfit of teabaggers.
Let freedom Reign.
I just read an article about Brad Thor a couple of weeks ago in the alumni magazine of the university where I attended grad school. I’d never heard of him before but he sounded semi-reasonable. Then I looked up some excerpts of his books on Amazon and changed my mind. What an enormous douchebag.
Really loved his film, “Wall Street”, even though the Charlie Sheen was a bit weak.
I’m not believing this until it is confirmed by Jeff Gannon.
Wait, do we know if “Brad Thor” is not Gannon’s latest nom de’ rentboy?
And it is nice to know old Ollie would screw over FOX News for Drudge’s old fluffer.
[re=577969]Holden Caulfield[/re]: I wouldn’t blame anyone for wanting to frag the guy.
[re=577981]ManchuCandidate[/re]: no kidding, sounds like he’s on patrol with the Hutaree militia.
So, the capture of Mullah Omar is a fiasco for Obama and a triumph for Andrew Breitbart.
Harvath must have been the captor, no one else is up to it, especially those Special Forces pussies.
[re=577819]Delicious[/re]: I think he is the Lower Ninth Ward of New Orleans. Nobody would ever look there.
[re=578104]Gumboz1953[/re]: “in” the Lower Ninth. Too much gasoline on the brain. And I’m not even home in New Orleans. I’m in Columbia, Maryland.
Olly Norf? The biggest international drug dealer on earth (‘sides the spooks)?
That mutherfuka is high!
Didn’t this story already stinque by Wednesday?
[re=578145]peggynooner[/re]: Some fine commenting there.
Wow. Brad Thor sure has come a long way since his early German scheiβe movie days.
[re=577860]Mr Blifil[/re]: More like a road move. Omar and Osama ride around the AfPak border areas in a Ford Thunderbird convertible sharing grooming tips and firing AK-47s. It’ll be called Road Warriors.
Brad Thor is to fine writing what scat films are to quality cinema.
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