IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  9:00 am May 14, 2010

Oil Explosion To Destroy Earth Before Global Warming Has A Chance

by Josh Fruhlinger

Mark Trail helpless before non-bearded government bureaucrats

  • So you’ve probably been thinking throughout this whole gulf-destroying oil spill business: Isn’t there, like, some kind of meddling bureaucratic government agency that’s supposed to make whiny liberal complaints about potential environmental apocalypse when someone asks to set up an offshore drilling rig? Turns out that, whoops, there is, and they have been, but the Minerals Management Service has just been stone cold handing out permits anyway! The Mark Trail-endorsed National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has been raising objections about sea life when these leases are approved, but apparently the MMS kids have “given up any pretense of regulating the offshore oil industry,” according to some environmentalist lady who lives in Tucson, protected from sinister oil spills by thousands of miles of deserts. [NYT]
  • In other cheery oil spill news, according to nerds, the sea floor could give way under all the pressure of oil gushing out, and then the whole Gulf of Mexico could blow up, in an “Earth extinction event.” [Slashdot]
  • Did blogs affect the British election? These are the tough questions the BBC is asking, because it is still 2004 over there, apparently. [BBC]
  • Today in foreign unrest: Thailand, Kyrgyzstan, Indonesia. The Indonesian dudes were plotting to kill their president and, more importantly, our president, who is also Indonesian.
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steve May 14, 2010 at 9:05 am

How long until Mark Trail has a story line wherein he saves us (or, specifically, wildlife animals) from offshore oil rigs? Maybe he could even punch the goatee off Todd Palin…

Nappied Hypotenuse May 14, 2010 at 9:09 am

then the whole Gulf of Mexico could blow up, in an “Earth extinction event.”
Plus side: no risk of “Real World Cancun.”

the problem child May 14, 2010 at 9:09 am

So, England’s conservatives are also proud pedobears, it seems.

V572625694 May 14, 2010 at 9:10 am

So Mark Trail says NOAA dates back to 1810? Makes you wonder how old NASA must be.

An Exxon Valdez-volume of oil gushing up every four days. How serious could that be? As they say in the enviro biz: the ocean is the solution to pollution. Pretty soon we’ll be worrying about all that seawater polluting the oil.

red sky May 14, 2010 at 9:11 am

“Earth extinction event.” It’s been said before, but the Earth will be fine. It’s humans that may be fucked. I’m sure after the Gulf of Mexico erupts in 10.9 Magnitude earth quakes and fills the region with oil and natural gas, there will be wonderful creatures that evolve to live off these rich hydrocarbons. Primates, not so much.

ph7 May 14, 2010 at 9:18 am

[re=577281]red sky[/re]: I agree. Humans at best will leave a slight scar on Earth, probably the worst being some pesky radiation that hangs around for awhile. But some radiation/plastic eating eating creature will likely evolve an take care of that.

I look forward to the next species. The current one is devolving.

Katydid May 14, 2010 at 9:18 am

[re=577281]red sky[/re]: Primates, not so much.

So the Republicans should be fine. ba-dum-bum

JMP May 14, 2010 at 9:18 am

Now, there’s no need to worry about some extinction-level event. Whatever happens, some forms of bacteria are very hardy and should continue on just fine. Life will go on. Not human life, of course, but oh well, we haven’t been very good for the rest of the biosphere anyway.

weejee May 14, 2010 at 9:19 am

Maybe we should give the blameless what they want on liability. Don’t want no downside on their investors. Then take their collective CEOs, COOs, CFOs, and BoDs and impale all their sorry asses in front of the Capitol.

Jim Demintia May 14, 2010 at 9:19 am

This oil spill is just unbelievably, unbearably depressing.

El Pinche May 14, 2010 at 9:22 am

I hope we do explode. We’re just a cyst on Earth’s ass.

Dashboard_Buddha May 14, 2010 at 9:24 am

[re=577288]Jim Demintia[/re]: Agreed…I’m trying very hard not to be freaked out by all of this.

PerhapsSo May 14, 2010 at 9:25 am

See, when everyone talks about boycotting Arizona, remember that Tucson is actually chock full of commie lefties. Two of them made that article (Grijalva is also from T-town)! And the Tucson City Council is suing the state over the law! And the ethnic studies classes that they’re now trying to ban? Those were in Tucson. So just direct all of your Arizona travel there, mmmkay?

Monsieur Grumpe May 14, 2010 at 9:27 am

Earth extinction event? Oh well, I lived most of my life. Suck on it Youngs.

True Story!
I was fixing a window in an older house that I owned and I found someone had crammed newspaper in the outer edge to seal out the drafts. The newspaper contained the comic section with a Mark Trail comic from 1957. Mark was way up in the snowy North with some Canadian who had a really cheesy accent. Looked identical to today’s comics although Mark was carrying a gun.

weejee May 14, 2010 at 9:27 am

[re=577287]weejee[/re]: I am sorry for my last post. I failed to realized that some might take me literally on impaling rather than figuratively in the context that most all of the aforementioned execs and boardmembers likely are Republicans and therefore walk around like they have a stick up their ass. Again I apologize for any misunderstanding.

Mild Midwesterner May 14, 2010 at 9:31 am

I don’t see why the BP spill is such a big deal. The Jersey Shore kids dump an equal amount of tanning oil into the Atlantic every summer.

freakishlystrong May 14, 2010 at 9:31 am

“Under the previous administration, there was a pattern of suppressing science in decisions, and we are working very hard to change the culture and empower scientists in the Department of the Interior.”

I smell a Cheney.

JMP May 14, 2010 at 9:33 am

[re=577294]weejee[/re]: I’m sure you meant to add “And I mean to impale them with votes” but accidentally hit submit before you finished.

Rasvar May 14, 2010 at 9:36 am

Ok, just as long as I know which extinction center event epicenter I need to be at when the end of the world comes. I don’t want to be sitting here near the coast of Florida waiting for the Gulf of Mexico to blow up when I should really be up in Yellowstone waiting for the supervolcano to blow. I would be really pissed off if I missed ground zero and had to fight the remaining zombie hoards for survival in the post-apocalyptic world because I survived.

FMA May 14, 2010 at 9:36 am

[re=577292]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Was that the one where Mark comes across an annoying woman with a voice the timbre of a band saw cutting sheet metal who’s sneaking into Canada for health care and he shoots her?

Baldar T Flagass May 14, 2010 at 9:36 am

[re=577291]PerhapsSo[/re]: I travel every May/June to Puerto Penasco down in Sonora for a rock concert. I’ve always flown into Tucson, if only because the traffic getting out of the airport to the border is a lot less hectic. Unfortunately, the little airline that flew non-stop from San Antonio to Tucson went out of business. So this year, it’s fucking USAir to Phoenix.
But in the spirit of the boycott, I won’t tip the porter. Unless he’s Hispanic.

TGY May 14, 2010 at 9:40 am

‘Earth Extinction Event’, my ass. How is it that everybody gets the heebies from something an anonymous poster wrote on a blog? Teh Intranets: pfui.

snideinplainsight May 14, 2010 at 9:42 am

Isn’t it time for Bill Kristol to say something like “Well, if a little drilling is good, a lot of drilling is better. Just look at all the oil they found down there!”

JMP May 14, 2010 at 9:47 am

[re=577291]PerhapsSo[/re]: Nah, still boycotting Arizona. Of course, since I’ve had no reason to go there since a family trip to the Grand Canyon 20 years ago, the boycott doesn’t mean much.

Katydid May 14, 2010 at 9:47 am

[re=577304]snideinplainsight[/re]: No, it’s time for Kristol to say, “It’s all going to be fine. What harm can a little oil do?”

harry palmer May 14, 2010 at 9:51 am

Let’s see, corporations are people, so we can strap BP on a gurney and execute it, right? I think Todd Palin qualifies as a cyst that was removed from BP’s ass, so he can be disposed of too, right?

riverside68 May 14, 2010 at 9:51 am

Can someone help me with the MMS/oil company sexty time logistics? Were MMS staff getting sexed both genders? Was there a quid pro quo involving drugs or cash? Were there sex workers involved? Lubricants? BOP’s? Uncontrollable gushers? Love children?

I look to Wonkette for these details.

PineyWoodster May 14, 2010 at 9:53 am

I, for one, welcome our new oil-eating overlords…

snideinplainsight May 14, 2010 at 10:00 am

[re=577307]harry palmer[/re]: Clearly if corporations are now people, then they can be suspected of terrorism – I for one think BP should be sent to Gitmo and waterboarded for a few months.

BaconTime May 14, 2010 at 10:00 am

I wouldn’t put too much stock in a slashdot post. That website is full of IT guys who still can’t figure out why girls don’t like them, even when you buy them stuff and act all clingy. One day you’ll crack that nut, guys. THEN we can worry about the world imploding into itself.

coolcatdaddy May 14, 2010 at 10:09 am

We can dump all that oil on the border between Arizona and Mexico! It’s good news for John McCain!

megs May 14, 2010 at 10:12 am

Not going to happen, there is simply too much rock. If we set off a nuke or the gulf has a one-in-a-billion super-gigantic earthquake, uh…

Mustang May 14, 2010 at 10:23 am

Drill, Baby, Drill! What? Oh.

Real DC Native May 14, 2010 at 10:24 am

We’ll probably see oil rigs in Chesapeake Bay and the Arctic Wildlife Preserve as the world runs out of oil and we get desperate. We’ll do it to “preserve jobs and our way of life” and for “national security.”

But wind farms off of Cape Cop? Heavens no! We can’t despoil this unique natural resource.

Bowdoin May 14, 2010 at 10:26 am

I was born in the era when my first conflict with mythology was not Santa Claus, but, why was it if Superman was on our side, Hitler lasted twelve full years. I’m still waiting for my answer.

thefrontpage May 14, 2010 at 10:33 am

Mark Trail For President!

Tcaalaw May 14, 2010 at 10:36 am

[re=577341]Bowdoin[/re]: The canon explanation is that the Nazis had the Spear of Longius and other magical artifacts that kept superheroes at bay.

gurukalehuru May 14, 2010 at 10:42 am

I’m fairly nerdy, but I don’t get it. If the ocean floor collapses, what is it going to collapse onto? And doesn’t that just mean that the Gulf of Mexico will be a bit deeper? And wouldn’t that reduce the risk of hurricanes, while providing a new environment for giant squid and octopus?

bored with gravity May 14, 2010 at 10:56 am

[re=577361]gurukalehuru[/re]: Giant squid? There goes my weekend in Galveston.

Seriously — the Texas coast, which was predicted to get only tarballs from the “spill” (we need a better word for this event), will be getting actual oil due to a shift in winds. Also.

Baldar T Flagass May 14, 2010 at 11:16 am

[re=577369]bored with gravity[/re]: There were still tarballs on the South TX coast 5 years after the Ixtoc I blowout 30 years ago. Hope you don’t own a beach house in Galveston.

McDuff May 14, 2010 at 11:16 am

Where ya gonna go when the Gulf of Mexico blow?

Naked Bunny with a Whip May 14, 2010 at 11:37 am

I like that Slashdot story. “If we fabricate a whole lot of really bad numbers and light them with a series of astoundingly improbable events, then bad things will maybe happen. Aaaagh!”

Dean Booth May 14, 2010 at 11:44 am

Not to worry. The “earth extinction event” will cost us $1B, tops; and it will pay for itself, with oil.

Harobedyelsnit May 14, 2010 at 11:46 am

Go Mark! Let’s see those fists of fury. Mark Trail is just the guy to punch out those BP basterds! To hassle the Halliburton whores.

Jim89048 May 14, 2010 at 11:46 am

I defer to the obviously superior intellects of Mary Worth and Rex Morgan MD.

Needz moar guns May 14, 2010 at 11:58 am

I for one am chuffed to see the British electorate is finally taking notice of Lord Bonkers.

lizzieborden May 14, 2010 at 12:18 pm

Wow, called in sick to work so I could get house work done. Sat down for a break and cruise my Wonkette. After reading this, had to get up and fix a stiff vodka w/ pom. My liver thanks you.

proudgrampa May 14, 2010 at 12:27 pm

[re=577277]Nappied Hypotenuse[/re]: That’s one way we can get out from under our mortgages.

Lascauxcaveman May 14, 2010 at 12:56 pm

[re=577467]lizzieborden[/re]: Pom.

I always wondered how people could drink that stuff. The answer is so obvious now, dilute it with vodka and lots of ice! Probably not half bad that way.

Ruhe May 14, 2010 at 1:12 pm

[re=577303]TGY[/re]: Dude, you are so right. I spent about ten minutes being marginally freaked out by that crap before I bothered to read the comments/responses and realized that all the scientist types responding to the “extinction event” scenario were calling bull shit. So we’re probably gonna be ok up here in the midwest. But the gulf is fucked.

lumpenprole May 14, 2010 at 3:04 pm

I, for one, do not want to see Mother Nature win the End of the World contest. Someone hurry up and make a self-replicating nanobot. Human ingenuity CAN conquer the Earth itself! We will leave nothing behind but an orbiting cloud of ravenous bots.

GOPCrusher May 14, 2010 at 3:44 pm

[re=577275]steve[/re]: Or punch the goatee off of Sarah Palin.

libwakman May 14, 2010 at 4:03 pm

Mark Trail was recently photographed performing the ole’ anal for oil exploration on one Mr. Snuffy Smith. Snuffy’s ass should implode soon thus endangering only Marks tounge.

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