John Boehner Is Afraid of Your Spanakopita Platter

Congressional puppy lover John Boehner says the U.S. is becoming just like Greece -- not because of all the recently abandoned big-box stores and malls lying along the nation's highways, or the prevalence of feta cheese at America's all-you-can-eat food-trough restaurants, but because of debt . It's becoming bigger than the Olympics and Poseidon and other famous Greek things, combined.

"Unless we change course, our debt is on track to reach levels we're seeing in Greece, which is already receiving an international bailout," Boehner said at his weekly press conference.

"Quite frankly, it's just scaring the hell out of" the American people, he added.

Is "the hell" scared out of you? Well, consider this: Accepting hand-outs from other countries would make America less like Zeus, the god who ruled over everything, and more like Hephaestus , the dumpy god of working-class lunch meat eaters, who was lame in every sense. We can't rule and be lame at the same time --something's got to give.

When Bush was in the White House, he declared a new war everyday and Boehner loved it , because war scares everyone into submission (rules). But now we're just bailing out and caring for everybody, and that is so feminine (lame).

Because of dumbness, Boehner's overlooking that becoming more Greek could help solve some of America's most pressing social and cultural problems. More olive-eating would cure disease, eliminating the need for ObamaCare. Political discourse in ancient Greece wasn't dominated by raging pundits with stupid hate shows on teevee, and we could benefit from having fewer stupid hate shows. Also in ancient times, Greek men could love each other without shame. A similar policy would help Boehner's fellow Republicans. The gay Republicans could get married at "big fat Greek weddings," and John Boehner could cry at them.

In the Greek America of the future, the nation will be broke. But everyone wins something, even John Boehner and his unemployed dog. Why can't that be enough?

[ The Hill ]