Orrin Hatch, Elena Kagan Discuss Magisterial Gun On The Wall

by Jim Newell

Elitist un-ordinary New York snob Elena Kagan has been making the rounds in the Senate office buildings, where she goes to meet Very Important senators and have small talk for a few minutes, after which each senator tells the media something like, “We had a very nice chat. I look forward to asking her questions, later, about how well she can call balls and strikes, and then I will vote against her.” Here’s Elena Kagan meeting old Orrin Hatch, who’s done this same “gun” routine about 500 times in his career by now!

Kagan: “It’s a beautiful office.”

Hatch: “There’s some nice stuff here.”

Hatch: “You’re gonna get mad. There’s the ‘Man of the Year’ from the American Rifle — National Rifle Association. It’s a piece of art, really.”

Kagan: “It’s beautiful.”

Hatch: “It’s a hand-made flintlock, and it’s beautiful.”

Kagan: “It’s gorgeous.”

So which is it, Kagan? Beautiful, or gorgeous? This woman is not even qualified to breathe air.

[Huffington Post]

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Long Form Def Certificate May 13, 2010 at 2:17 pm

When you get two non-Gentiles in a room, you just know they’re going to end up with the sex-talk. Finally free of all that waspy puritanism, they can let loose.

mustardman May 13, 2010 at 2:17 pm

If Jebus was alive would he own a gun just like that?

the problem child May 13, 2010 at 2:17 pm

If she didn’t ask to hold it, he won’t vote to confirm!

Mad Farmer Manifest May 13, 2010 at 2:18 pm

What a RINO. A real Republican would be threatening her with that flintlock as she is clearly a CommieNazi. We need McBane!

soupStain May 13, 2010 at 2:18 pm

Hatch: “You’re gonna get mad. There’s the ‘Man of the Year’ from the American Rifle — National Rifle Association. It’s a piece of art, really.”

Kagan: “You’re right, I am mad. I have absolutely no respect for the 2nd amendment — I MEAN WOOPS. NAG NAMMIT, ORRIN.”

Buzz Feedback May 13, 2010 at 2:19 pm

She shoulda asked to him to sing “Let the Eagle Soar” while clad only in his Magical Underpants.

Manos: Hands of Fate May 13, 2010 at 2:20 pm

What’s up with hanging guns on your wall anyway. Unless I was worried that a bear or a zombie was ready to kick in my door at any moment, I think I’d rather keep my guns in storage.

Of course as I learned from Ms. Parker yesterday, Ms. Kagan is a NYC jew and does care not for such things.

JMP May 13, 2010 at 2:21 pm

Hatch seems inordinately proud of his antique long, hard weapon here. It sounds like Kagan is just humoring him, and giggling at how small and ancient it really is.

ThisIsNotAnAvatar May 13, 2010 at 2:21 pm

It’s happiness.

SayItWithWookies May 13, 2010 at 2:23 pm

“You’re gonna get mad?” Yeah, those gun-control nuts are a hair-trigger away from mowing down the population at random. Why else would they want those things locked up?

Long Form Def Certificate May 13, 2010 at 2:24 pm

[re=576734]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: It’s the Israeli Jews who fancy heavy artillery. With reason, as most of their neighbours want them gone.

American Jews? They prefer the guns of love, like Ron Jeremy & James Deen.

Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire May 13, 2010 at 2:25 pm

Anyone who can sit through his bullshit deserves to be on the Supreme Court.

Ruhe May 13, 2010 at 2:26 pm

When did Orin Hatch start to look like a life-sized marionette version of himself?

One Yield Regular May 13, 2010 at 2:26 pm

Sheesh. Not ten seconds into meeting her and he’s already seeking out some phallic prop to find the menacing courage to get him through and show her his patriarchal credentials. A rut-ready, presenting male mandrill would be less transparent.

x111e7thst May 13, 2010 at 2:28 pm

At least the founding old white guys صلى الله عليه وأسمائها
would recognize the fucking thing as an “arm”.

WhatTheHeck May 13, 2010 at 2:29 pm

He was trying his hardest to get her to say: “Happiness is a warm gun. Yes it is. But she didn’t fall for the ‘banana in the tailpipe’ trick.

V572625694 May 13, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Hatch: “If you don’t vote right on gun issues, I got a gun right here to blow your fucking head off, you New York Jew bitch. Gift from the NRA, if you know what I mean.”

Kagan: “Yassuh, Massa Hatch, I be good on guns.”

This is referred to as the balance of powers between the three branches of government.

JMP May 13, 2010 at 2:31 pm

[re=576737]ThisIsNotAnAvatar[/re]: No, it’s just hanging on the wall, cold and unused; happiness is only a warm gun.

vendetta May 13, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Hatch: “You’re gonna get mad. There’s the ‘Man of the Year’ from the American Rifle — National Rifle Association. It’s a piece of art, really.”

Kagan: “Just like the ones the Founding Fathers were talking about.”

schvitzatura May 13, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Bei mir bist sholem shayn, bubbela!

Extemporanus May 13, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Kagan: “It’s gorgeous.”

Hatch: “You can touch it, if you want. Would you like to touch it, Ms. Kagan?”

Kagan: “Oh, well, thank you, sir, but really, that’s okay.”

Hatch: “Just go ahead and touch it, just for a second. Just feel it a little bit. It’s much warmer than you might expect.”

Kagan: “I’ve no doubt that it is, Senator.”

Hatch: “Here, give me your hand.”

Kagan: “Thank you, Senator, but I…”

Hatch: “You know, Ms. Kagan, it would be a real shame if you were to attend the confirmation hearings without first having touched it. To not do so might, well…let’s just say it might make it difficult for you to understand where I’m coming from.”

Kagan: “I, I understand, sir…”

Hatch: “So, are you right-handed, or left-handed?”

Kagan: “Um, I’m not entirely sure — I’ve never actually held one before. Would both hands be acceptable?”

Hatch: “Both hands would be just fine, Elena. Just fine indeed…”

Scarab May 13, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Hatch, “It’s a piece of art, really.”
Not like that gay shit by Michelanglo or Rembrant.”

slappypaddy May 13, 2010 at 2:38 pm

so many asses to kiss, so little time…

JMP May 13, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Orrin got a gun
Orrin got a gun
The hearing’s just begun
The pages are all on the run
What did McConnell do
It’s Orrin’s last IOU

Tim May 13, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Just one more notch in the bedpost of the Party of Ideas, people. Fortunately for us (and Kagan) she didn’t notice the cluster of pubic hair around the flintlock mechanism, an old GOP seduction trick. This barely stands out among other grand GOP ideas, like ripping off Indian Casinos, Freedom Fries and Terra Wars, but, there you are.

proudgrampa May 13, 2010 at 2:41 pm

[re=576746]One Yield Regular[/re]: Gee, I’ve never heard it called “patriarchal credential” before.

“Hey little girl, wanna see my patriarchal credentials?”

Extemporanus May 13, 2010 at 2:42 pm

OFF-TOPIC: President Obamar is on the teevee right now speaking at some buffalo wings manufacturing prison or something, and he is standing in front of some very large piece of antique-looking equipment. Over his left shoulder, on the machine, is a big yellow disk that looks exactly like the sun with a surprised look on its face.

Once you see it, you can not unsee it.

ThisIsNotAnAvatar May 13, 2010 at 2:44 pm

The “Man of the Year” is a gun? Who’s he? Señor Uzi, you see, shooting watusi in jacuzzi.

Jim89048 May 13, 2010 at 2:45 pm

I’m immediately suspect of any US American who hangs his gun on a wall, instead of hiding it behind the door. Or in his/her waistband, like the founders framers meant.

Extemporanus May 13, 2010 at 2:46 pm

[re=576769]Extemporanus[/re]: Great — FOUR SECONDS after I click “send”, and he’s done speechifying from behind the podium, and the industrial machined cartoon steel sun is no longer rising above this mountain of a man like dawn coming to a darkened America.

He’s just wandering around all McCain-like now, with his sleeves rolled-up and a giant erection straining at his pants zipper.

geminisunmars May 13, 2010 at 2:48 pm

Is she mad yet?

Mr Blifil May 13, 2010 at 2:48 pm

Jesus christ. Are they so dependent on reality TV money that ABC fucking News can’t hire a competent enough college student to create web videos that observe correct pixel aspect ratio? Why not just post 5 minutes of footage of a steaming turd on a sidewalk somewhere, that’s about as much respect they have for their viewers, who are basically octogenarians rotting in their own bed sores.

snideinplainsight May 13, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Hatch: “Is it still open season on Liberals?”
Kagan: “I hear it’s been extended until November second, sir.”

Buttery1000 May 13, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Good thing there are no Freudian undertones here. Otherwise, it might get awkward.

Extemporanus May 13, 2010 at 2:54 pm

[re=576780]Mr Blifil[/re]: To those of us who grew-up furtively jerkin’ it to the Dali-esque porn puzzle that was a scrambled Spice channel, the ABC video looks like it’s 3-D fucking IMAX.

plowman May 13, 2010 at 2:57 pm

Wish I had a “beautiful” gun like Orrin, all mine are scary black ones with big mags, grips and so forth, the sort that make Joe Biden and Chuck Schumer wet their pants. But they compensate for my paltry 8″ of dick and will be handy when the zombies come…

ThisIsNotAnAvatar May 13, 2010 at 2:57 pm

[re=576777]geminisunmars[/re]: She’s dam dad…er, I Mad a Damad Adam, I . Too.

SmutBoffin May 13, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Then Orrin said “Would you like some tea, Mrs. Kagen? We’ve got a metric shit-ton of the stuff. My developmentally challenged/senile constituents keep sending it here, along with backwards faxes, for some reason. Go figure.”

thehelveticascenario May 13, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Ms. Kagan, this is my rifle, this is my gun…

BlueStateLiberal May 13, 2010 at 2:58 pm

This is the part of the Supreme Court nomination process I always find so fascinating: is the nominee proficient in old-man speak? Next he will be telling her in exquisite detail about his every little nagging physical ailment. Then it’s on to reminiscing about his good old days 300 years ago in college, and trying to get her to tell him how handsome he still is.

ThisIsNotAnAvatar May 13, 2010 at 3:00 pm

What about that petrified scrap of foreskin from a sperm whale behind him? Isn’t that gorgeous too?

One Yield Regular May 13, 2010 at 3:01 pm

[re=576784]Extemporanus[/re]: “…a scrambled Spice channel…” Wow. You’ve succeeded in re-awakening neurons that haven’t, um, fired for what, 20+ years?

norbizness May 13, 2010 at 3:06 pm

“My great-grandpappy done used it in the great Monogamist Purge of 1872.”

Extemporanus May 13, 2010 at 3:20 pm

[re=576803]One Yield Regular[/re]: It’s never too late to take that piece of art down off the wall.

Prommie May 13, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Is that one of them “I ain’t no fag” guns?

Jumping Jim May 13, 2010 at 3:38 pm

“Senator is that a gun in your pants or are you just glad to see me?”

momus May 13, 2010 at 3:40 pm

I have no problem with the right to bear flintlock rifles. I think its what the Founding Fathers had in mind. They never mentioned assault weapons in their writings.

Accordion-o-rama May 13, 2010 at 3:41 pm

“Wanna guess how many census workers I shot that gun at?”

Dean Booth May 13, 2010 at 3:44 pm

“You call that a gun? THIS is a gun.” * Pulls out breast *

Neilist May 13, 2010 at 3:44 pm

I, too, used to offer to let Fat Lesbians fondle my “classic gun.”

But I learned not to do so.

After the first couple of beatings, that is.

(Those Dykes On Bikes are TOUGH.)

Neilist May 13, 2010 at 3:48 pm

[re=576846]momus[/re]: To the boys on Bunker Hill, and the Founding Lesbos like Molly Pitcher, a flintlock rifle or musket WAS an “assault rifle.” (Whatever the hell the latter term actually means.)

But on a more serious note:

I, too, used to offer to let Fat Lesbians fondle my “classic gun.”

But I learned not to do so.

After the first couple of beatings, that is.

(Those Dykes On Bikes in SF are TOUGH.)

Pithaughn May 13, 2010 at 7:18 pm

[re=576784]Extemporanus[/re]: You are in the zone this week, Ex. Oh those rare nipples that would appear like magic and then just as quickly fade back to scrambled vertical bars.

ellemme May 13, 2010 at 7:41 pm

Mmmmmm. The sexual tension…palpable.

Extemporanus May 14, 2010 at 2:50 pm

[re=577060]Pithaughn[/re]: You so just nailed it. It was all like “Wait for it wait for it wait for it…NIPPLE! YES! YES! *sploooge*”

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