Republicans About To Settle On… Ha ha ha, Freaking Tampa, Freaking *Tampa, Florida*, For Their Next Convention

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Yes, there are Mexicans in Tampa, tooNowhere on Earth is better for old white men with no control over their sweat glands to spend their August than FLORIDA. And yet it appears that’s where the Republicans will hold their 2012 convention, in its ~4th-largest fake town of lies and candy, Tampa, home of nonsense.

Terrible sell-out Juli Weiner of the Vanity Fair corporation hiked all the way to TampaBay.com to learn something about this imminent municipal victim of the oil slick: “Seattle has grunge, and the Bronx has hip-hop, but Tampa lays claim to the cradle of hardcore death metal. If the Tampa Bay area has one signature musical legacy, this dark, devilish sound may be it.”

Why are Republicans holding their quadrennial no-pants party in the humid birthplace of Satan? Oh, right.

[Vanity Fair]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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105 comments

  1. comicbookguy

    Yeah, but how are the lesbian bondage strip clubs there? Important issues, people. Stay focused.

  2. Lilybart

    Apparently they were going to be in Phoenix, but they thought it might be hot, hot from angry Hispanics that is!

  3. gjdodger

    “Whaddya mean, ‘Shuffleboard tournament in St. Pete’? Where’s the Lesbian bondage?”

  4. chascates

    It’ll be easier for them to thrust their defiance towards Cuba. The 2012 GOP hootenanny will doubtless have a tea party theme, complete with diatribes by Beck & Palin.

  5. Doglessliberal

    [re=575675]Katydid[/re]: In miles or atmosphere and personality? If the latter, 2 million.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    If I lived in Tampa, I’d leave pronto. If it’s not sozzled in oil in the next few days, then it’ll be due for a killer hurricane. At least cut a hole in your roof, people, so you can escape from your attic. Just sayin.

  7. El Pinche

    An oil drenched beach backdrop sounds dreamy! It will remind Americans that they are the Party of Ideas.

  8. skaboomizzy

    Tampa does have quite a large number of strip clubs and porno shops. This makes sense.

  9. Way Cool Larry

    [re=575664]Mr Blifil[/re]: tar hail would be interesting… we can only hope they get hammered

  10. Troubledog

    [re=575681]SayItWithWookies[/re]: There might be a market for a D-I-Y Roof Escape Hatch System.

    Like an airplane door. If your shitty little town gets filled up with muddy water, you go up in the attic, pull the red lever and kick to blow out the hatch and deploy your survival raft with mini-bar.

    Then when the FEMAtards get there, you’re just cold chillin’ getting your drink on and your smoke on.

  11. I Heart Accuracy

    [re=575675]Katydid[/re]: If you take a party shuttle, it’s only four long, hot, hard hours.

  12. chaste everywhere

    Ken, you won’t find the cross anywhere in the vicinity of that beach. Lurch away from the gulls, get back in the water and swim home, pronto.

  13. Ye Olde Fap-Smith

    They should have gone with Orlando; the Parliament House bath house/motel has all the drugs and gay sex one could want, on site!

  14. V572625694

    What Google image search string do you suppose generated the picture at the top of this piece?

    Tampa’s great: no pesky hills to climb, not far from Weekee Watchee, the Spring of Live Mermaids. Okay, that exhausts the list of virtues in Tampa, and I think Weekee Watchee closed a few years back, so have fun, Repubes.

  15. sonicgabe

    i live in tampa. we have among the most strip clubs per capita. the GOP will enjoy their visit. i, though, will be vacating the city for the week.

  16. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=575685]skaboomizzy[/re]: And prostitutes! I went to college in Tampa and worked as a delivery man for an interior decorator. The things I have seen still leave a scar.

    The 2001 odyssey…Mons Venus (Only one this is Moister than an Oyster!), Dolly’s Doughnuts, and the hookers on Nebraska (or No bra, sir) Ave, Dale Mabry. “Hey mister…you want a date? Are you a cop?” The hookers in Full Metal Jacket had more class. Good times.

    Oh…and the ABC (aka AB Sleaze) Liquor Lounge, The Crown (aka Scrounge) Lounge. And more right wing fucks you can shake a stick at.

  17. springfield_meltdown

    [re=575685]skaboomizzy[/re]: My favorite Tampa strip club (not that I actually went in it) was one with a UFO on the top. And don’t forget in addition to the strip clubs, there are megachurches!

  18. Oldskool

    “there was no permanent American or European settlements in the area until 1824, when the US Army established a frontier outpost called Fort Brooke at the site of today’s Tampa Convention Center. The village of Tampa began as a small group of pioneers who settled near the fort for protection from the Seminole population in the area.”

    Haha, no need to even make a joke.

  19. ArugulaTeleprompterz

    [re=575710]wvf2[/re]: Nah, it would take too long to clean the lube and cum stains off his dining room walls. Not worth it.

  20. wvf2

    [re=575713]ArugulaTeleprompterz[/re]: but installing hidden cameras would likely pay off huge in laffs and hush money

  21. freakishlystrong

    Can I come and stay with one of y’all? I think that many wingnuts descending on a pile of even more wingnuts could rip the time/space thingee. I’m a hippie libtard who lives at was once the “beach”,

  22. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=575718]Scarab[/re]: My elementary school teacher said that FLA was shaped like a boot. It wasn’t until many years later that I understood why she chose that image.

  23. AJW

    [re=575685]skaboomizzy[/re]: I’ve been to Tampa several times for biz and noticed an excessive # of strip clubs there. They’ll be right at home.

  24. S.Luggo

    Tampa to be chosen over Salt Lake City is a not so subtle message to Mittney from the RNC: f.u. and your pretty pretty hair.

  25. ArugulaTeleprompterz

    [re=575721]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: I’ve always thought Florida resembled a wrinkly old dick, but I can see the boot…

  26. salt_bagel

    Death metallers: Generally pasty white, male, often misogynist, slothful, do not believe in the redeemability of human beings, inured to violence and injustice, tend to cultivate a ghastly or deathly appearance.

  27. GoinGreen

    [re=575682]El Pinche[/re]: They can use the oil to paint on blackface and dance around in a mock kumbaya sorta way – singing the “Hopey-Changey is a NI****” song that Sister Snowclit writes for her 597th book, “Songs for the TP Movement”! Then, get their asses kicked again in the fall.

  28. Extemporanus

    [re=575718]Scarab[/re]: A flaccid penis, aimed right at the tawny-skinned, smooth-assed, luggage-handling chaperos of the Illegal Islands.

  29. El Pinche

    [re=575719]superdave[/re]: There’s a dancer named Miley Cyrus , she has one hell of a knob polisher!
    As you can tell, I previously stopped at Huffpo.

  30. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=575711]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Tampa Bay: Come for the Deathmetal, stay for the lapdances.

  31. Extemporanus

    [re=575664]Mr Blifil[/re]: Should that happen, they will literally be a bunch of tar babies.

  32. JMP

    The Tampa (fmr. Devil) Rays’ stadium was generally half-empty during the World fucking Series in 2008, which was just sad. The residents there must just not give a shit about anything, or were too busy waiting to die.

  33. skaboomizzy

    Perhaps we can recruit some Wonkette operatives to stake out some of the dozens of Tampa Bay area strip clubs throughout the convention to see who shows up. I wouldn’t worry about Mons Venus or the other “name brand” ones, I’m talking about the ultra-skeevy ones on Nebraska Ave and that area.

  34. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=575726]ArugulaTeleprompterz[/re]: If it was a wrinkly old dick, it would never be that erect. However, if it was a penis, then the Tampa bay area would be the syphilitic cyst.

  35. nappyduggs

    Gross strip clubs, you say? Who wants to go halfsies on getting some awful poly-cotton blend teeshirts printed up with something like “Just ask this GOP Grampa how fast he got *nastee* in Tampa.” Or something. Plenty of time to work on the logistics.

  36. awesomeguy#1

    How appropriate for both the party and the city. If they hold a rally in the Buccaneers’ football stadium they can have the speakers present in the fake pirate boat. They could shoot the fake cannons. It’ll be fucking amazing. Seriously, check out the 1:15 of this video and tell me your thoughts. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUyu-9THjnw

  37. Extemporanus

    [re=575752]El Pinche[/re]: Inspired by Sarah Palin?

    “You’re motorboatin’!..”

  38. CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us

    We had one of those Messican fish wash up on Dauphin Island just yesterday! Stupid oils slick letting all those illegal alien fish in to Murrika!

  39. Prommie

    Tampa; not actually the asshole of the USA, more like an ostomy, or a severe anal fissure. They shoulda just gone totally wild and held it across the bay in Saint Pete.

  40. Sussemilch

    August??? I went to Florida once in January and it was humid enough to make me insane. I can’t imagine being there in August. I’d rather be burned alive. At least fire is dry.

  41. Capitol Hillbilly

    They make a delicious sandwich in Tampa. That and the Mons Venus clinched it.

  42. GoinGreen

    [re=575762]Prommie[/re]: More like the taint – with Virginia being the nutz and the gulf being the dirty, oily asshole now!

  43. Capitol Hillbilly

    There used to be a joint in Tampa called the Alibi Lounge. It was the kind of place where the guys in Goodfellas hung out.

  44. Dashboard_Buddha

    Well hell…Tampa celebrates a Spanish pirate named Jose Gaspar – they even close the schools! Allegedly, Gaspar served aboard the Spanish Man-o-war, Floridablanca. Women he captured would become concubines on Captiva Island.

    Let’s review: A place that celebrates piracy and sex slavery…led by a man who rode a ship called the WHITE Florida.

    Seems perfect for a GOP convention.

  45. the problem child

    [re=575704]V572625694[/re]: tampa beach death. First page of image results.

  46. the problem child

    [re=575704]V572625694[/re]: Or possibly: tampa death monster, which seems more Jim’s google style.

  47. MissyLissa

    Hey, come on. I live in Tampa Bay. We are great. More strip clubs per capita than any other city in the U.S. and the place where the lapdance was invented. It is right across the water from Clearwater, my hometown, and the headquarters of Scientology. And St. Petersburg, home to the Dali museum and Charlie Christ’s lingerie emporium and campaign headquarters.

    I almost moved to Atlanta and (god help me) Dallas at one point. It never happened, but I’m glad. Because it would be sad to live someplace where the lead story on the news was a gator wrestler getting bitten. Come on! It’s like living in a Hiaasen novel.

    Tampa is not redneck. It’s just surrounded by rednecks. It also isn’t where old people go to die. That’s Sarasota. We’re the place where insane people go in order to appear less nutty by comparision.

    And, to be wonky, it’s obvious they are coming to Tampa in an attempt to try and help Rubio. The I-4 corridor (Tampa Bay and Orlando) is the key to winning the state. When it went for Obama so did the state. When it went for Bush so did Florida. Mostly because the Dems down south and the hicks up north balance each other out. So it’s up the the mental cases here to serve as the swing vote. Literally, to win Florida you have to appeal to people who have voluntarily decided to live with snakes and aligators in the city called, by the Atlanta Journal Constitution, the city most likely to all die in a Katrina like hurricane clusterfuck.

  48. GoinGreen

    [re=575831]MissyLissa[/re]: Cooters ROCKS!!! They cooked up my catch last year – to perfection.

  49. Capitol Hillbilly

    Let’s all chip in and get a billboard with a picture of Bill Clinton saying “Welcome to the Cigar City, GOP!”

  50. Extemporanus

    [re=575704]V572625694[/re]: [re=575824]the problem child[/re]: [re=575829]the problem child[/re]: You’re making it way more complicated than necessary — if you do a Google image search simply for “Tampa”, that is the only image that comes up.

  51. slappypaddy

    [re=575758]awesomeguy#1[/re]: a convention in the home of the buccaneers tells me everything i need to know about the republican party.

  52. Starrigavan

    Tampa?

    In August?

    During hurricane season?

    Start calling the prayer lines now! Just imagine our Sarah, Mittens, Hucklebee, Newt, the Beckster, and that fat drug addict Limbaugh all drowning during Hurricane Barack.

    I.
    Can’t.
    Fucking.
    Wait.

  53. germansteel

    The Republicans are just following their successful strategy of the 2008 election when they held their convention in St. Paul, Minnesota with the expectation they would pick off the host state and a couple other mid-Western “toss-ups” like Wisconsin and Iowa. It was wildly effective for someone, in that all three went for that Baracky guy, and Minnesota even elected a Democratic stage clown as U.S. Senator. It’s commonly believed that Michael Steele was behind it all, for obvious reasons.

    Good times for the GOPers!!!

  54. N8Ma

    “Seattle has grunge, and the Bronx has hip-hop, but Tampa lays claim to the cradle of hardcore death metal…”

    and BUKKAKE.

    They invented it, I think.

    So this is a perfectly logical choice for Republicans in 2012–if Florida even still exists then.

    Let’s hope it’s Palin/Bachmann on the ticket, because old white man bukkake wouldn’t be as fun, I think.

  55. Jim89048

    It’s just a short trip across Alligator Alley from the home of their 1972 convention, Miami, with the missing and left behind hairpieces, etc. Good times.

  56. nelore

    Tampa and Orlando could be part of a Tallahassseeee State or Kissimmeeeee State and leave South Florida alone.Can anyone tell me how many e’s and s’s there are in these two words.

  57. bitchincamaro

    [re=575708]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]:

    delivery man for an interior decorator

    That’s Tampa code for something, right?

  58. thefrontpage

    The Tampa Bay area also has something like 56 strip clubs–and is one of the country’s hot spots for strip clubs.

  59. Extemporanus

    In earnest answer to all those wondering who the/what the/when the/where (were-?) the/why the fucking image is, here’s your answer:

    It’s the dementedly inventive, Web-renowned work of talented Tampa taxidermy artist — and Weekly World News muse — Juan Cabana.

    Sorry to Montauk your Mexican, Jim, but the illegal’s work warrants wider recognition.

  60. gbear

    [re=575831]MissyLissa[/re]:

    And, to be wonky, it’s obvious they are coming to Tampa in an attempt to try and help Rubio.

    Yeah, that worked out so well for McWalnuts and Norm Coleman after the last GOP convention in St. Paul, MN. The only thing St. Paul remembers about that convention is the fucking police state that our city became for that week. That plus St. Paul becoming a much whiter city while the GOP was here. That pius the bastards not spending any money in our town because they couldn’t get outside the fucking barbed wire fences to actually walk around. They were basically channeled from their busses to the convention like cattle. It’ll be a memorable drag for Tampa.

    I wonder what they’re going to do to top the introduction of Sarah Palin in MN. The bottom has dropped out on GOP crazy so they shouldn’t have trouble finding someone even more outrageous…

  61. Joey Ratz

    [re=575692]TheWaltonFirm[/re]: I seem to remember that the liner notes of the first Morbid Angel album had a shout-out to all the whores in Tampa “for the sinful pleasures they provided us” in between all the goat heads and crucifixion imagery. The Repugs will fit right in.

  62. sanantonerose

    Sweet Jesus I ain’t never going near Florida ever again. I can do hot, but my brain can’t handle broiling AND basting at the same time. What a hellhole! Should sell the whole thing to Cuba.

  63. mustardman

    All that sweating will be good for all those overactive bladders. They will only have to pack half the amount of Depends.

  64. Pop Socket

    [re=575683]MC_Bob[/re]: That’s because it used to be where I-75 ended and Rust Belt refugees couldn’t go any further.

  65. Traveler

    [re=575735]salt_bagel[/re]: So how will be able to tell them apart from the GOPers? More t-shirts, fewer gray suits? No flag lapel pins?

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