at 25 years you get two furries

Wolf Blitzer Molested By Furry

Here is Wolf Blitzer on Larry King Live Guest Hosted By Paul Begala, For Some Reason, celebrating his 20 years of terrible service to America’s most mediocre cable channel! As is traditional in Ted Turner’s empire of depravity, Blitzer was rewarded for his service with an on-air sex act with the furry of his choice.

The bearded TV-word-speaker chose “Gee Whiz,” who is apparently the mascot of the local basketball team, a squad that Blitzer pretends to follow so as to appear more “relatable.” (Actual Blitzer quote, after he rattles of the names of front-office personnel he found on Wikipedia: “They’re going to have a team!”) Anyway, then this grotesque blue beast came out and ran its sexy four-fingered hands all over Blitzer’s finely tailored suit. It also brought out an unappetizing-looking pink cake, for later, while Begala cackled like a terrifying banshee.

And why isn’t Larry King on his own show, anyway? Begala says “Larry can’t be here,” but he’s such a figure of robust health that this seems suspicious, and … OH MY GOD WHO’S IN THE SUIT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! (Thanks to extremely attractive Wonkette tipster “WindbagCity” for the horror.) [CNN]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

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Hola wonkerados.

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23 comments

  1. JMP

    Well of course Wolf is a furry, it’s right there in his name, this shouldn’t surprise anyone. As for Larry King, I hear he’s another diaper fetishist; or maybe he’s just incontinent.

  2. ttommyunger

    Thank you, Wonkette, for drilling to the very core of mindless, inane prattle. This clip should pop up first in line anytime “prattle” is googled. No wonder these fucks are so well paid, they have to live (shudder) with what they do.

  3. nappyduggs

    Unfortunately, the furry was a tease, leaving poor Wolfie with an uncomfortable case of “bluebeard.”

  4. bfstevie

    Paul Begala is even more annoying than Chris Katan’s impression of Paul Begala, which was nothing like Paul Begala. How come Begala and Blitzer didn’t do cleft palate surgery on a child trapped under a pile of rubble in a far off earthquake ravaged country, like Sanjay Gupta and Anderson Cooper would?

  5. WindbagCity

    Whoo- I was stuck on a bike going nowhere when this depravity came on. It killed my soul just a little bit, so naturally I had to share the burn…

  6. Troubledog

    I’m legally changing my name to Apex Predator. As a career move.

    Wolf is so unremarkable. If his name was David Johnson, he’d be working at the Hertz counter.

  7. freakishlystrong

    Not to worry, that was Anderson in the suit. Wolfie wanted his to get his yiff pile
    on with a tight black tee shirt.

  8. Troubledog

    And is there some rule that furries must also be mimes? Is there a Venn diagram on that I could look at?

  9. dijetlo

    why isn’t Larry King on his own show, anyway?

    Too busy bathing in the blood of virgins…Jesus Christ Josh, he’s like two hundred and eighty seven years old, how do you think he managed that unless he was some weird form of undead?

  10. Ye Olde Fap-Smith

    [re=575570]Ye Olde Fap-Smith[/re]: Er, trusted name in news, moran! Whatever, I don’t watch that shitty channel.

  11. Way Cool Larry

    “the wizards are coming back next year”… yes, I see Wolfie is as smart about basketball as he is about everything else.

  12. The Toot

    Quick, name one story that Wolf has broken in his 20 years as Good Teleprompter Reader Journalist at CNN!

  13. SayItWithWookies

    I’m sorry the clip didn’t go on a few minutes longer — because right after this moment, an old, withered, saggy forest nymph jumped out of the pink cake and, representing the shreds of Blitzer’s credibility, danced a forlorn, awkward solo before expiring on the desk and being eaten by a passing raccoon. That studio is just crawling with rodents.

  14. engulfedinflames

    [re=575666]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Good one. I understand rodents make excellent pets.

  15. Extemporanus

    When Larry King’s producers agreed to let him wear a Wolf suit for the show’s “25th Annifursary Special”, this is not what they had in mind.

    And now there’s absolutely no way Anderson Cooper’s ever gonna wear it again — there are some old man smells that just don’t come out, no matter how much you Febreeze the fuck outta them.

  16. iburl

    “an on-air sex act with the furry of his choice”
    Without looking at the byline, when I read this, I knew I was reading the Curmudgeon.

Comments are closed.