AT 25 YEARS YOU GET TWO FURRIES  10:43 am May 12, 2010

Wolf Blitzer Molested By Furry

by Josh Fruhlinger

Here is Wolf Blitzer on Larry King Live Guest Hosted By Paul Begala, For Some Reason, celebrating his 20 years of terrible service to America’s most mediocre cable channel! As is traditional in Ted Turner’s empire of depravity, Blitzer was rewarded for his service with an on-air sex act with the furry of his choice.

The bearded TV-word-speaker chose “Gee Whiz,” who is apparently the mascot of the local basketball team, a squad that Blitzer pretends to follow so as to appear more “relatable.” (Actual Blitzer quote, after he rattles of the names of front-office personnel he found on Wikipedia: “They’re going to have a team!”) Anyway, then this grotesque blue beast came out and ran its sexy four-fingered hands all over Blitzer’s finely tailored suit. It also brought out an unappetizing-looking pink cake, for later, while Begala cackled like a terrifying banshee.

And why isn’t Larry King on his own show, anyway? Begala says “Larry can’t be here,” but he’s such a figure of robust health that this seems suspicious, and … OH MY GOD WHO’S IN THE SUIT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! (Thanks to extremely attractive Wonkette tipster “WindbagCity” for the horror.) [CNN]

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ManchuCandidate May 12, 2010 at 10:48 am

Wolf Yiffzer?

JMP May 12, 2010 at 10:52 am

Well of course Wolf is a furry, it’s right there in his name, this shouldn’t surprise anyone. As for Larry King, I hear he’s another diaper fetishist; or maybe he’s just incontinent.

ttommyunger May 12, 2010 at 10:52 am

Thank you, Wonkette, for drilling to the very core of mindless, inane prattle. This clip should pop up first in line anytime “prattle” is googled. No wonder these fucks are so well paid, they have to live (shudder) with what they do.

nappyduggs May 12, 2010 at 11:00 am

Unfortunately, the furry was a tease, leaving poor Wolfie with an uncomfortable case of “bluebeard.”

Long Form Def Certificate May 12, 2010 at 11:01 am

This ends 15 years consecutive of Izzy domination in CNN yiffing scene.

bfstevie May 12, 2010 at 11:04 am

Paul Begala is even more annoying than Chris Katan’s impression of Paul Begala, which was nothing like Paul Begala. How come Begala and Blitzer didn’t do cleft palate surgery on a child trapped under a pile of rubble in a far off earthquake ravaged country, like Sanjay Gupta and Anderson Cooper would?

WindbagCity May 12, 2010 at 11:05 am

Whoo- I was stuck on a bike going nowhere when this depravity came on. It killed my soul just a little bit, so naturally I had to share the burn…

Troubledog May 12, 2010 at 11:09 am

I’m legally changing my name to Apex Predator. As a career move.

Wolf is so unremarkable. If his name was David Johnson, he’d be working at the Hertz counter.

freakishlystrong May 12, 2010 at 11:10 am

Not to worry, that was Anderson in the suit. Wolfie wanted his to get his yiff pile
on with a tight black tee shirt.

Troubledog May 12, 2010 at 11:11 am

And is there some rule that furries must also be mimes? Is there a Venn diagram on that I could look at?

sardonica May 12, 2010 at 11:19 am

This is the furry that beat Wolf on Jeopardy? No, that was a lemming.

Ye Olde Fap-Smith May 12, 2010 at 11:24 am

The most respected name in news.

chascates May 12, 2010 at 11:26 am

Larry King was at his newest wedding.

dijetlo May 12, 2010 at 11:28 am

why isn’t Larry King on his own show, anyway?

Too busy bathing in the blood of virgins…Jesus Christ Josh, he’s like two hundred and eighty seven years old, how do you think he managed that unless he was some weird form of undead?

Ye Olde Fap-Smith May 12, 2010 at 11:30 am

[re=575570]Ye Olde Fap-Smith[/re]: Er, trusted name in news, moran! Whatever, I don’t watch that shitty channel.

trondant May 12, 2010 at 11:56 am

[re=575561]sardonica[/re]: A tree stump could have beat him on Jeopardy.

Way Cool Larry May 12, 2010 at 12:14 pm

“the wizards are coming back next year”… yes, I see Wolfie is as smart about basketball as he is about everything else.

The Toot May 12, 2010 at 12:50 pm

Quick, name one story that Wolf has broken in his 20 years as Good Teleprompter Reader Journalist at CNN!

SayItWithWookies May 12, 2010 at 12:53 pm

I’m sorry the clip didn’t go on a few minutes longer — because right after this moment, an old, withered, saggy forest nymph jumped out of the pink cake and, representing the shreds of Blitzer’s credibility, danced a forlorn, awkward solo before expiring on the desk and being eaten by a passing raccoon. That studio is just crawling with rodents.

engulfedinflames May 12, 2010 at 1:40 pm

[re=575666]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Good one. I understand rodents make excellent pets.

Extemporanus May 12, 2010 at 2:30 pm

When Larry King’s producers agreed to let him wear a Wolf suit for the show’s “25th Annifursary Special”, this is not what they had in mind.

And now there’s absolutely no way Anderson Cooper’s ever gonna wear it again — there are some old man smells that just don’t come out, no matter how much you Febreeze the fuck outta them.

S.Luggo May 12, 2010 at 9:37 pm

Furry? Isn’t Peter Arnett retired?

iburl May 13, 2010 at 2:28 am

“an on-air sex act with the furry of his choice”
Without looking at the byline, when I read this, I knew I was reading the Curmudgeon.

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