Elliot Spitzer: I Did Not Pay Elena Kagan For Sex

 
 As the nomination of a single, softball-playing lady with short hair to the Supreme Court heads for the Senate, an all-important question grips the entire nation. How will her judicial philosophy inform ... ha ha, just kidding. No, what people actually want to know is: Does she like gettin' it on with dudes, or chicks? Obviously reputable journalists would turn to America's #1 arbiter of sexual orientation, Eliot Spitzer. If he says a lady is straight, then the matter is put to rest!

The Politico is the only publication that still opens emails from Eliot Spitzer rather than deleting them with a queasy shudder:

Another friend, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, a member of Kagan’s social circle at Princeton University, wanted to make the same point as Walzer. "I did not go out with her, but other guys did," he said in an email Tuesday night. "I don't think it is my place to say more."

THERE YOU HAVE IT, DILEMMA SOLVED ... but wait! Spitzer "did not go out" with her? In a Spitzer-themed context, "go out with" means "arrange to be transported across state lines for a paid assignation in a fancy hotel room, throughout which he will continue to wear his black socks." I guess we are just back to square one! Unless a woman has engaged in intercourse with the former New York governor as part of an illegal commercial transaction, we cannot be sure about her sexuality. Spitzer-whoring is the litmus test; all else is hearsay.

Also, Kagan's best friend says that they talked about guys all the time and they were always plotting to find her a boyfriend and she's actually totally boy crazy and only wants to be on the court in the first place to meet that hunky Anthony Kennedy, the end. (Thanks to Wonkette hero commentor "Serolf Divad" for the tip.) [ Politico ]