Alabama GOP Gubernatorial Candidate Attacked For Lack Of Jesusness

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The closely monitored Alabama Republican gubernatorial primary race has taken another comical advertising turn, this one not even involving Tim James, who is in like 20th place despite being hilarious. Candidate Roy Moore is attacking fellow candidate Bradley Byrne for suggesting that evolution is something worth considering, and that the Bible is not entirely literally true. Bradley Byrne is fucked. [YouTube]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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117 comments

  1. joezoo

    Alabamians take their mythologies seriously. They tarred-and-feathered a guy in the last election cycle who suggested that the talking animals in Aesop’s fables were just metaphors.

  2. Words

    You guys and YouTube should be paying Alabama for all the material it’s given you lately…. We could use it to clean up our beaches …..

  3. user-of-owls

    God damn. I live in friggin’ ARKANSAS, and even we don’t have loopy shit like this. To know that there are places more insane than here…way more insane…well that just makes my head hurt.

  4. RoscoePColtraine

    Merely embracing accepted scientific fact is completely incompatible with being a true conservative, is the take-away.

  5. Johnny Zhivago

    You have to admit, if you look only at Republican strongholds you won’t find a lot of real evidence of evolution.

  6. rambone

    Surprise, surprise, surprise! Shazaam!

    All I need to know about the South, I learned from Gomer Pyle, USMC when I was home sick from third grade with the chicken pox.

  7. JMP

    I know some Alabamans (along with other Southerners) have complained about people mocking their states here before, but if attacking someone for wanting to teach evolution in the schools actually works as a political attack; in other words, attacking a politician for not being so outrageously, ludicrously stupid that it’s a wonder that they still know how to breathe; then there will be no right to complain about that ever again.

    If this works as an attack, then Alabama really is a state filled with total fucking morons who do not even have the brain capacity to count as members of the species homo sapiens.

  8. RoscoePColtraine

    Oh….and just WHICH parts of the bible might not be literally true, Mr. Byrne? The claim that the almighty usually works a sixer before taking his one-day off each week? You speak heresy, sir.

  9. Words

    [re=574898]user-of-owls[/re]: Don’t be gettin’ uppity. Some chick from your state was on CNN earlier giving her opinion why Kagan shouldn’t be confirmed — ’cause she was a librul with no judgin’ ‘sperience. And then there’s Clinton…

  10. user-of-owls

    [re=574899]Mr Blifil[/re]: That comment is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

  11. El Pinche

    Byrne believes making sweet love to your own flesh and blood is wrong! Another liberal blowing in the wind.

  12. RoscoePColtraine

    Next thing Mr. Moore will be promising the voters free mansions “WITH UPGRADES” for all upon their death. And they’ll eat it up, of course.

  13. Words

    [re=574908]JMP[/re]: Please surh, don’t sully the reputation of all the people in this state because of few nincompoops running for office. Alabama has more than its share of teabaggers and rednecks, but not everybody is guilty as charged.

  14. JMP

    [re=574903]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: That’s not true; natural selection predicts the dangers of inbreeding depression, which can be proven by visiting many Republican strongholds.

  15. FormerDCite

    At one time I was a part time Alabamian, but I ran away. There are a lot of things I miss about the place, however I don’t miss the overt racism, complete lack of individualism, and the Un-Christian Christians.
    Roy Moore would be considered the latter.

  16. snideinplainsight

    I heard the dude blamed the chick. I heard the chick blamed the snake. I heard they were naked when they got busted. I heard things ain’t been the same since.

  17. SmutBoffin

    GOD POOPED OUT ALL SPECIES IN THEIR CURRENT FORM 6000 YEARS AGO THEN KILLED 99% OF THEM AND BURIED THEIR BODIES FOR THE FUCK OF IT.

    Makes sense to me…does it to YEW?

  18. user-of-owls

    [re=574912]Words[/re]: Uppity? From Arkansas? Surely you see the absurdity therein. But still, we are getting bazoonged by campaign ads here and there is nothing that remotely compares to that. Seriously, the best we can do is a comically racist ad featuring “Indians” (the dotted kind) that has had all our Kwik-ee-Go clerks jerking between fits of laughter and rage.

    http://www.savejobs.org/mediacenter.php?qseg=19

  19. ph7

    “Believes all world’s animals traced back as passengers on a small wooden boat”
    “Believes epilepsy is caused by sin”
    “Believes menstruation is punishment from God”
    “Believes that slaves should obey their masters”

    I wish these were the quotes that won elections.

  20. Extemporanus

    Keep fuckin’ that Scripture, Alabama!

    Paper cuts on your pecker are proof that the Bible is real!

  21. Marlowe

    Is the “blowin’ in the wind” reference at the end code words for the racists??

  22. Extemporanus

    [re=574934]user-of-owls[/re]: Hey, that’s not funny — my grandpa was a Slurpee jerk back in the ’50s.

  23. Manos: Hands of Fate

    Let’s get to the real issue — does Byrne uphold the King James Bible as the only true version of the holy book? Alabama voters want to know.

  24. Dear Diorama

    Roy Moore eats locust which I mean as a compliment, because the bible says we may eat of them.

  25. V572625694

    The leading Democratic candidate is a Black man. To win he’s going to have to get 145% of the Black vote, and stage day-long tractor pulls in every city to distract the white voter.

    Roy Moore’s as Xtra-Crazee as Michelle Bachmann. He’s the one that had the Ten Commandments engraved on a stone and installed in the capital or some such shit.

    As for biblical inerrancy, you have to paraphrase what Mary McCarty said about Lillian Hellman’s writings: every word in it is a lie, and that include “a,” “and,” and “the.”

  26. Mr Blifil

    [re=574910]freakishlystrong[/re]: One might consider trying to “look conservative” in Alabama if you don’t want to have the ever-lovin’ shit kicked out of your ass nightly until you are eventually chained to a truck and dragged around town with your severed penis stuffed in your mouth. But that’s just a guess.

  27. SayItWithWookies

    So when Jesus said to his contemporaries that he would return before the last of the current generation had passed away — which of those folks does Roy Moore think is still alive? And Mel Brooks doesn’t count.
    Anyway, I enjoy our nation’s diversity — and even if it also horrifies me, it’s nice to know that there’s a state where you can lose an election because you don’t think birds existed before land animals.

  28. snideinplainsight

    I’m pretty sure I heard this one before. You in the corner with a good looking drifter. Two cups of coffee and ten packs of sugar.

  29. Lazy Media

    Y’all realize, right, that Roy Moore is the former Alabama chief justice who was removed from office because he wouldn’t take the giant Ten Commandments monument out of the state Supreme Court building? So, basically, he’s Bear Bryant + Ronald Reagan times a million. This ad is pretty moderate for him.

  30. Ye Olde Fap-Smith

    I live 12 miles from the Al/Ga border; Florida is starting to look like a viable alternative, and that is a sad, sad thing.

  31. user-of-owls

    [re=574945]Extemporanus[/re]: It was a noble profession back then. Now, what with all the “in-sourcing” of jobs, it’s just a sad commentary on our treasonous leaders.

    By the way, my dad was a Burpee jack back in the 50s. It was a growing industry at the time.

  32. Serolf Divad

    I hear he once dated a girl who wasn’t his cousin, too. And you know what they say: if he ain’t good enough fer his own kin, he ain’t good enough fer Alabama!

  33. Come here a minute

    How many times must the cannonballs fly
    Before they’re forever banned?

    Just elect this LIBERAL, tryin’ to act conservative, and he’ll ban every danged one of ‘em.

  34. slappypaddy

    fucking bastard voted to pay for things, instead of charging them the the children’s account. that’s it, he’s outta there.

  35. rambone

    [re=574929]Bearbloke[/re]: Amazing! How in the world have I let this bit of Americana evade my perception? Thank you for that. I must off, to investigate this squid matter further . . .

  36. user-of-owls

    [re=574963]SayItWithWookies[/re]:
    And Mel Brooks doesn’t count.

    But what about Abe Vigoda?

  37. Words

    [re=574957]V572625694[/re]: “The leading Democrat candidate…” Yeah, Artur Davis will have to do a lot of work and have a lot of luck to win. He’ll have my vote, for what it counts. The problem will be getting a lot of those blacks to vote— last election, they changed a lot of the polling places around in heavily black populated areas, confusing many folks and the final vote tally was questionable. Sigh.

  38. JMP

    [re=574943]Marlowe[/re]: It’s probably a stealth attack – Bob Dylan = hippie + Jew + civil rights activist, to be triply hated by Southerners.

    [re=574963]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I do love the twisting the literalists have to to try to make the prophecies that never came true somehow fit the modern-day world; like claiming the references to Tome in Revelations actually refer to the EU and not, you know, to the empire that controlled most of the known world at the time.

  39. Alldat

    [re=574926]FormerDCite[/re]: Full-time Alabamian (and former DCite) here: my uncle knew some guys who served with Roy Moore in Vietnam. Back in his younger days before he started thumpin’ the Bible, Roy was known for carrying an army reg book around and constantly quoting from it. Everyone called him Captain America behind his back, and those guys are still wondering how he made it out of Vietnam without getting fragged.

  40. JMP

    [re=574993]Words[/re]: But the passage of the 64 Civil Rights Act meant the end of legal racism forever!

  41. Scaggsville guy

    [re=574905]rambone[/re]: “All I need to know about the South, I learned from Gomer Pyle, USMC when I was home sick from third grade with the chicken pox.”

    Yeah, the best part of this video is the creepy music in the background (Hee Haw theme played backwards maybe?), and the Southern accent of the lady who thinks she’s all that because she doesn’t believe in evolution.

  42. Words

    [re=575000]Alldat[/re]: Actually, the story goes, a couple of them tried that. He was deeply hated, from what I understand.

  43. user-of-owls

    [re=575000]Alldat[/re]: [re=575019]Words[/re]: Only the bad don’t die young.

  44. WhatTheHeck

    Mr. Byrne should be burned at the stake. If he dies, it proves he was not the devil. If he lives, then he is of the devil and should be stoned to death. These are pure and just religious thoughts.

  45. Words

    [re=575006]JMP[/re]: Supposedly. Welcome to Alabama, where you can buy a county commission for $500 worth of one pair of shoes and a trip to New York for the weekend. And don’t even get me started on “electronic bingo gaming.”

  46. Prommie

    These degenerate pigfuckers, they have de-evolved, they are accelerating their return to the past. This is like the fucking dark ages. I am surprised that Mr. 10 Comandments Judge there doesn’t start promising to create a baptist inquisition if he is elected, to travel the land, burning witches, torturing jews till they convert, and rooting out heresy in all its forms, until finally, the evil specter of literacy itself is driven from the State of Alabama.

  47. Extemporanus

    [re=574975]user-of-owls[/re]: Kwik-E-Marts are an inconvenience truth.

    And my hat’s off to Daddy Appleseed — nowadays, most Burpee-jackings are committed by illegals.

    [re=574990]user-of-owls[/re]: Abe Vigoda is: alive.

  48. Prommie

    [re=574956]Dear Diorama[/re]: Leviticus most assuredly does NOT allow the eating of locusts. A clear distinction is made between locusts and grasshoppers, which one may eat. Nope, the important thing is that you may eat the animals with the cloven hoof, which cheweth the cud. Its the chewing the cud thats key. Horses, they have no cleavage in their hooves, and they cheweth not the cud, so they are right out. Get your batshit ancient superstitions right, if you want to survive Judge Moore’s Bible-Believin’ Inquisition, which will be touring the country after this November, if the GOP-Baggers take congress.

  49. Oldskool

    Haha, Jesse Helms woulda loved that one. Yeah, he set a standard that other retards can only dream about. Of course he sleeps in a urine soaked grave so there’s a downside to being the best at what you do.

  50. steverino247

    I was stationed at Redstone Arsenal in Huntsville for most of 1976 and if you went more than about four miles from the base in any direction, you were in deepest, dumbest Alabama. Our black troops couldn’t play golf anywhere off base and two of my men (one Italian from New Hampshire and one Polish from Michigan) were refused service more than once in area restaurants for not being white enough. The schools were still segregated, too. They’re proud of being stupid down there and deeply resent being told their zippers are down and shoes untied.

  51. JMP

    [re=575045]Prommie[/re]: Give him time; he’s saving the biggest shots for his second term.

  52. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=575055]Prommie[/re]: If you have one that was born without the cloven hoof, like say, it was deformed, would it be alright to go ahead and eat it, if it was all there was in the house and you were so hungry? It will be nice to have a governor fully equipped to handle the vexing questions.

  53. RoscoePColtraine

    Also, Governor Roy Moore will push for a law expressly forbidding anyone to labor or do any work whatsoever on the Sabbath, which was Saturday, but now is Sunday because they changed it somehow down through the mists of time, and God was all like “meh.”

  54. Georgia Burning

    [re=575055]Prommie[/re]: How does one explain the rednecks’ love of Bacon Cheeseburgers, which gets you busted on two charges according to Leviticus

  55. Alldat

    [re=575019]Words[/re]: Well, dang it, fellas! If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again! (Sigh) Oh, who are we kidding. God obviously had the young officer marked for greatness, even then.

  56. Prommie

    [re=575056]Oldskool[/re]: I have developed and patended a great invention for bitter liberals, the “Wicked Pisser,” I call it, it consists of a sheath which covers the penis (technically known as the “weiner,” or “schlong”) which is attached to a length of clear plastic tubing. You place the sheath over your “schwantz,” and then run the tube down your leg, it has clips so you can attach it to your sock, until it is hanging beside the sole of your shoe at almost ground-level. Its a clear tube, so its hardly noticeable. With the “Wicked Pisser” you can actually piss on people’s graves during the fucking interment, and no one will be the wiser. You can do a tour of the graves of the great confederate heroes, or head out to California and see the Reagan Library and the Nixon Library. Only $19.95, from Won-Ko.

  57. What Fresh Hell is This?

    Meh. All my bluebird boxes have nests in them, and wrens have settled into my glove basket in the garage. The Indian pinks and wake robins are flowering in my woods. Mississippi kites and barn swallows have returned. I have turnips, spinach, and three colors of radishes for supper tonight. Mushrooms are coming in. The night air is cool and sweet with the smell of honeysuckle. The latest vintages of the Enchanted Path and Carnival of Love are waiting for me at the wine shop.

    Is there an election coming up? Except for the “Young Boozer For State Treasurer” signs, I had not noticed.

    Sigh. Alabama: Where Appalachia Meets The Delta.

  58. Pilate

    The voice actors are great! “Bradley Byrne: h-why, Ah bayut hay duzzn even tawlk lahyk us!”

    Alabama: makin’ Georgia proud. And provin’ Squidbillies is one of them there dock you MENtaries.

  59. Prommie

    [re=575092]AWOcoholic[/re]: Well, he has a point where he says DC is all queer. At least all the GOP staffers are.

  60. Words

    [re=575095]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: You need to let the other commenters know that Boozer is a family name in AL, or they will take it as a joke & run with it!

    Thought Boozer was running in North Alabama somewhere, not further south, where you are. Guess I missed.

  61. Prommie

    It just occurred to me, when its the race for governor of Alabama, shouldn’t they spell it right; the “goobernatorial” election?

  62. user-of-owls

    [re=575050]Extemporanus[/re]: I meant jerk, you jack. I bet your mean ol’ dad refused to serve What-a-melon, Black Cherry and Hawaiian Punch Fruit Juicy Red.

  63. user-of-owls

    [re=575077]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Also, Governor Roy Moore will push for a law expressly forbidding anyone to labor or do any work whatsoever on the Sabbath, which was Saturday, but now is Sunday

    Given the legendary girth of state’s denizens, it would seem mighty laborious to heft oneself up to the second deck at the obligatory Sunday NASCAR race. Judge Moore, what would Solomon do?

  64. What Fresh Hell is This?

    [re=575103]Words[/re]: Oh yeah, the Swiss spelling is Buser, but you know how those migrants screw things up. I’m in Auburn, but saw Young Boozer signs all the way to Tuscaloosa the other day. They lit my path into the Heart of Darkness.

  65. user-of-owls

    [re=575103]Words[/re]: Ha, one more reason we Arkansawyers (yes, god help me, many do insist that this is the official designation) are superior through inferiority. We don’t have a Boozer, we have a BOOZMAN! Not only that, we made him a valued member of the Small Bus Caucus in the Senate of the US of A!

  66. Words

    [re=575117]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: War Eagle!! We are a mixed-marriage couple; my misguided husband’s people all went to Alabama, so he was taught from the cradle to love the wrong team.

  67. Words

    [re=575128]user-of-owls[/re]: Good gracious! I’ve been mispronouncing it Ar Kan sian. Thanks for the heads-up!

  68. What Fresh Hell is This?

    [re=575116]user-of-owls[/re]: Racist. The obesity levels of Alabama African-Americans is 40.4%. The rate for Alabama Hispanics is 29%. The rate for Alabama whites is a mere 27.3%.

  69. user-of-owls

    [re=575142]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]:

    I’m sorry. I forgot how brimming the NASCAR events are with shouts of “Bring it!” and “Ole!.”

    That’s not racial putrescence!

  70. user-of-owls

    [re=575135]Words[/re]: Worse yet, they pronounce it the same way the pronounce lawyer (i.e., “law-yer”) That may make more sense, but it still rasps the ears of this yankee who pronounces it as all good Northern Aggressors do: “loy-yer”

  71. weejee

    Can’t teach the kids some evolution
    Well, you know
    We can’t be changing the word
    But when you talk about instruction
    Don’t you know that you can count me out

  72. Ducksworthy

    [re=574929]Bearbloke[/re]: My gawd! Its the origin of Truck Nuts! Thanks for that.

  73. TheWaltonFirm

    [re=575091]Prommie[/re]: or just set a mason jar aside for your upcoming road trip. I HAVE SEEN THIS DONE. In fact, I have overheard: “hey, can you pour this on the capitol of Nebraska while you’re over there?”

  74. FormerDCite

    I knew a few people on Sen. Shelby’s staff back in the early 90′s. According to them Sen. Shelby didn’t know how to use an ATM. Of course he was on the Banking Committee.
    Another rumor is that Sen. Sessions is a wide-stance Republican.

  75. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=575223]FormerDCite[/re]: It’s the figuring out that you have to make the first move, prolly. After that, you just let the thing tell you what it wants.

  76. assistant/atlas

    It is nothing short of amazing that Alabama manages to have a functioning government at all…

  77. guangho

    Them’s some mighty rusted swinging cocks you got there Alabama. Up the lube before “taking the kids to school” as you call it.

  78. PsycGirl

    [re=574935]ph7[/re]: Don’t forget about that guy who was still alive despite being in a whale’s stomach or whatever they have for three days.

  79. JadedDIssonance

    I’ve never bowled over 140 in my life, but I can’t imagine trying to do it with a stiff crosswind.

  80. Rock Ripsnort

    [re=574963]SayItWithWookies[/re]:
    which of those folks does Roy Moore think is still alive?

    Larry King?

  81. What Fresh Hell is This?

    Okay, we are low-hanging fruit. Seven of Alabama’s 67 counties are among the 100 U.S. Counties with the lowest median household income. Much of our state is owned by big timber companies based in Washington and Oregon who keep it in forestland so they don’t pay taxes. Now even our beautiful white sand beaches are being smeared by our international over-lords.

    Some of us try to make a difference, and it’s much easier to mock us than to help us.

  82. Limeylizzie

    [re=575223]FormerDCite[/re]: I believe that about Pete Sessions and he looks about 5″2″ tall, so I imagine he wants to be buggered by some large black man.

  83. Oldskool

    [re=575276]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: Pfft, years ago I worked in Alabamer and I hafta say we had fun there. Ok, Oneanta is or was in a dry county and it cost us a night in the clinker but the local girls more than made up for it. Fond mammaries.

  84. One Flew Over the Wingnut

    As anyone in the great state of alabama knows, the only bigger faux paus than being insufficiently jesusey, or ya know..not racist is forgetting to slap your sister’s ass so she knows to roll over.

  85. plowman

    Jebus Fuckin’ Christ, I got Florida’s Senate race on my front porch and Alabammy’s Governors race in the back yard but I’d rather be mocked here than live up in that Godless hell-hole Atlanta, all smug and urbane. And if I’d known a Young Boozer could run for State Treasurer I’d have done it years ago, dammit! As it is, I sit and enjoy the night breeze carrying the perfume of the Confederate Jasmine across the yard while my 20 years younger than I am girlfriend tells me ’bout her daddy cleanin’ a deer on her Big Bird swang-set when she was just a slip of a thing…

  86. Words

    [re=575276]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: Thank you for your last remark. Ditto. They don’t know @ our 1910 constitution being the biggest document in the US with 400+ amendments just so we can get local roads paved

    .[re=575223]FormerDCite[/re]: He does, however, bring home the bacon, and until recently was a genuine librul. He changed early in the game when he saw which way the wind was blowing in this state… no pun intended.

    [re=575280]Limeylizzie[/re]: Sessions is an idiot who got into gov’t by loving Jesus and guns. I don’t claim him.

  87. Words

    [re=575348]Words[/re]: Um, Shelby was a Democrat and changed to Repub… that might not be clear there. Sorry.

    [re=575336]plowman[/re]: Yea, verily, you speak the truth. And, I bet your young friend helped her daddy do the cleanin’? Did he give her a little handgun for her 16th b’day? That’s more a Texas tradition, but ….

  88. HoBeaux

    Bible thumpin’
    and cousin humpin’
    Tim James dumpin’
    and grits a-lumpin’.

    Sorghum syrup
    and mountain dew,
    makes sense to me
    duz it to yew?

    penned by a native son of Birmingham, who grew up in Florida and South Carolina and Georgia, and for the last 35 years has lived only in Manhattan and Los Angeles, Praise The Lord!!!!

  89. disgustedcitizen

    [re=574899]Mr Blifil[/re]: From the headlines I’ve been seeing lately, it seems to be the religious rightwingnut conservatives that have been doin’ most of the blowing.

  90. kapeman

    [re=575276]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]:

    It seems like you know as well as I that it’s not easy being the only liberal person in the room.

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