ONLINE FETISH SHOWS  11:05 am May 11, 2010

Michele Bachmann Performs Online Tonight — Don’t Miss Out!

by Lauri Apple

America's Clown.OMG you guys, this is more awesome than a Night Ranger/Styx double-bill: According to the teabagging fetishist website Ensuring Liberty, “rock star” Congressvixen Michele Bachmann will be performing LIVE and IN CONCERT at a virtual town hall meeting tonight at 8 PM EST, with fellow Congressional “rock star” Steve King as her opening act. Real America’s two greatest talents will perform a set of shriek-y fight-the-power ballads about “the disasterous [sic] implications of the Dodd Financial Reform Bill,” and other things that make them feel all emo inside. Then they’ll answer questions from viewers at home — that’s you, maybe! — about their latest collaborative EP, We Poop Flags, available at Walmarts and feed mills now.

Don’t miss this all-star online extravaganza! Head over to Ensuring Liberty’s website RIGHT NOW and click on the clip-arty “Register” button (it’s on the left). It will take you to a screen where you punch in your email address and send it to some Internet goblin who will respond with directions, URLs, and rules (“no questions about playing Joseph McCarthy in the bedroom,” “no questions about eating barbed wire for lunch,” etc.).

When it’s time for the show to start (remember, it’s time-zone sensitive!), grab your six-pack of Hamm’s and head down to your basement computer terminal, where you will type in some things and hopefully be able to take part in this glorious opportunity. Please save your chats and send the evidence to your Wonkette.

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Hola wonkerados.

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Buzz Feedback May 11, 2010 at 11:08 am

That screeny reminds me of that scene in Fahrenheit 451 where Linda is taking part in the evening broadcast. Also.

Mr Blifil May 11, 2010 at 11:11 am

If the friction from her thighs were ever to spark a conflagration from her gastric by-products, the toxic explosion could probably take out an entire Census processing center. May 11, 2010 at 11:11 am

a 30-pack o’ hamm’s goes for about $11.50.
mmmmm, hamm’s….

Dolmance May 11, 2010 at 11:12 am

That cunt.

dum librul May 11, 2010 at 11:13 am

Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
and then I see the look in your eyes
(Turnaround bright eyes)

the problem child May 11, 2010 at 11:13 am

Instead of giving the internet goblin your email address, consider giving it the email address of someone who really annoyed you last week. I have a feeling that “Ensuring Freedom” is a spammer of the first order.

Prommie May 11, 2010 at 11:13 am

Didn’t Night Ranger do Sister Christian? Shit, they should be there, and play that song as her intro!

JMP May 11, 2010 at 11:15 am

Hey now, Styx is awesome, but a double-bill with a group that’s basically a one-hit wonder (although one very good song) would be a little weird.

Oh, and uh, this is really about Bachmann and King. Their thoughts must be complete confusion, but yet they somehow won the game. I wish their power was just a grand illusion, because deep inside they’ve got no brain.

jetjaguar May 11, 2010 at 11:17 am

If you liveblag, I will come.

freakishlystrong May 11, 2010 at 11:19 am

[re=574488]Mr Blifil[/re]:That comment erases my disdain for your forgotten in the previous post. Consider your self of steam restored.

jetjaguar May 11, 2010 at 11:19 am

How I wish my Wonkette would take opportunities like these to use a site like so we can share the pain together, in realtime… Oh the adventures we would have…

snideinplainsight May 11, 2010 at 11:23 am

No White Zombie?

I love that song where they sing “Yea-aah” about a double zillion times.

Hopey dont play that game May 11, 2010 at 11:25 am

If we collected all the word salad from this event we could feed the homeless for a week. Or Steve King’s mom for a day- HIOOOOOO!

ArkansasFred May 11, 2010 at 11:26 am

A 30 pack of hams is the standard school lunch in Mississippi.

ManchuCandidate May 11, 2010 at 11:26 am

The only problem with this is that the “singers” are the groupies sucking off the Financial Industry.

Mr Blifil May 11, 2010 at 11:26 am

[re=574495]JMP[/re]: Only time I ever saw Styx was on a double bill with Starz at a mid-sized arena in 1978, I think. There was me and a few thousand willowy high school girl pumping pheromones in gushers, dreaming of making it with long-locked troubadours. I had shortish hair and acne and consequently did not get laid, since I had not provided myself with any contraband substances to share with my neighbors, a major miscalculation. So yeah, Styx definitely sucked.

zhubajie May 11, 2010 at 11:33 am

Can’t we get Jesse Ventura to beat these people up?

Escape Goat Nation May 11, 2010 at 11:36 am

I totally love her!

Jerk Cade May 11, 2010 at 11:37 am

Not EDT?

proudgrampa May 11, 2010 at 11:39 am

[re=574509]Mr Blifil[/re]: Best Styx Lyric EVER!

I know you feel these are the worst of times

I do believe it’s true.

When people lock their doors and hide inside

Rumor has it, it’s the end of Paradise.

But I know

If the world just passed us by Baby, I know

I wouldn’t have to cry. No, no.

ddenby May 11, 2010 at 11:40 am

I think I will take my Hamm’s at Saint Paul’s own Nook tonight. Mmm, Nook. (Where, apparently, Clarance Thomas supped on Saint Patrick’s Day—how was I not there for that? Would have been best out-state Wonk’d ever. Oh wait I was passed out after drinking lots and lots of Jameson. That’s where I was.)

V572625694 May 11, 2010 at 11:44 am

Come on Lauri — you’re an artist, admit you Photoshopped a little Xtra-Crazee into Michelle’s eyes in that image. Is there a button for that in the program?

Prommie May 11, 2010 at 11:44 am

[re=574517]proudgrampa[/re]: “Light up, everybody, light up, and be happy,” thats the fucking best Styx lyric ever, motherfucker.

weejee May 11, 2010 at 11:45 am

[re=574489][/re]: Isn’t anything over a penny a can for Hamms too much?

Manos: Hands of Fate May 11, 2010 at 11:47 am

It’s the two-minutes hate done from the comfort of your own basement.

freakishlystrong May 11, 2010 at 11:49 am

Next up after We Poop Flags; We Fart the Founders.

Prommie May 11, 2010 at 11:50 am

[re=574525]weejee[/re]: It was $1.90 a pitcher, in Gainesville in the early 80s. I had a budget of $10 on a Saturday night, so its a good thing. That worked out to 3 pitchers, 20 chicken wings, and a $1.00 tip.

Come here a minute May 11, 2010 at 11:55 am

Lauri, that is your best portrait yet — I love the way you exaggerated the crazy beyond anything that could exist in reality.

JMP May 11, 2010 at 11:59 am

[re=574509]Mr Blifil[/re]: How could you be such an angry young man when your future looed quite bright to me?

SayItWithWookies May 11, 2010 at 12:07 pm

Is it a virtual town hall because they’re too chickenshit to meet with their real constituents live? Well as long was we can be disruptive and shouty that’s all the democracy the teabaggers really want. I’m just sad I won’t be able to egg the bus.

Way Cool Larry May 11, 2010 at 12:10 pm

[re=574536]JMP[/re]: I don’t know what’s worse about Styx– their incredibly hackneyed lyrics or their melodramatic, histrionic opera-style lead singer

Lascauxcaveman May 11, 2010 at 12:11 pm

[re=574521]Prommie[/re]: That may be Styx’s best single lyric, but their best song ever is Put Me On.


(hope the link works) if not, here’s the pop up:

BOOBIES! May 11, 2010 at 12:13 pm

I always thought Bachmann, Kitty Harris and Sarah Palin would be great ZZ-top girls – ya know, the skimpy clothes, the fuck-me shoes, the ass wiggling and boob shakin’, and no speaking parts.

x111e7thst May 11, 2010 at 12:13 pm

[re=574520]V572625694[/re]: Those eyes are locked on an alternate reality in which either Cthulhu or Shrub rule forever.

Mr Blifil May 11, 2010 at 12:15 pm

[re=574499]freakishlystrong[/re]: I owe everyone a mea creampie for that. Here, to make amends, but it won’t make a lick of sense to most people…

slappypaddy May 11, 2010 at 12:15 pm

those eyes!!1!!1!! where no man has gone before…

Texan Bulldoggette May 11, 2010 at 12:23 pm

Only on Wonkette can a post about Bachmann turn into a thread about Styx! :-)

That being said, as much as I love Wonkette, there isn’t enough alcohol in the world, tea in China, etc. that could make me tune into a Steve ‘fucking crazy’ King & Bachmann town hall. The crazee would make my head explode.

comicbookguy May 11, 2010 at 12:24 pm

That picture…


Or is it a scene from the movie Scanners?

lizzieborden May 11, 2010 at 12:34 pm

[re=574495]JMP[/re]: Yea, but wasn’t the “cute” (for Styx)guitarist in Night Ranger. And Night Ranger was a super group consisting of 4 members belonging to other 80′s super hair groups whose names escape me (sorta like my ability to spell and put coherent sentences together).

lizzieborden May 11, 2010 at 12:37 pm

[re=574521]Prommie[/re]: Puh-Leeeze! “Mr. Roboto”! No other group since Queen has been able to bring the beauty and culture of Japan to the sweaty American teen.

Elm Hugger May 11, 2010 at 12:38 pm

[re=574509]Mr Blifil[/re]: You got me thinking. I saw Styx at my high school, took a date and everything. I had tenth row tickets, she couldn’t stand it, too loud. It was the best of times, the worst of times. Come to think about it, she did look a bit like Bachann, Oh the humanity of it all!

WriteyWriterton May 11, 2010 at 12:41 pm

[re=574525]weejee[/re]: Participated in a blind taste-test of canned beer a couple of years ago: Hamm’s Milwaukee’s Finest, PBR, couple of others I can’t even remember. Everyone agreed that the worst was – wait for it – PBR, the beer of hipsters everywhere. If the dictionary people ever want a new illustration for “swill,” they should go with a picture of a PBR can.

jus_wonderin May 11, 2010 at 12:50 pm

[re=574549]BOOBIES![/re]: I’ve got a non-speaking part for Palin. I think it would shut here up for at least 20 minutes.

weejee May 11, 2010 at 1:03 pm

[re=574587]WriteyWriterton[/re]: In a lot of blind test of ‘Merican beerz Stroh’s from Detroit often wins, leaving Coors, PBR, MGD, and all the lites in the dust.

Being an old fart staying hip is no longer an issue for me so I tend to go towards a pint of bitters or porter, with the odd ale here and there. Since there is a 13 year old under the gray mantle, that still drags me to the mountains to get served my pride in the moguls, I haz to watch the intake to keep the waistline down. I consider it my spiritual equivalent to a bushel basket of OFs & HMs.

Carrabuda May 11, 2010 at 1:11 pm

I want a double bill of Styx and the Stones.

SmutBoffin May 11, 2010 at 1:11 pm

HAMM’S!? You are all such elitists.

Grain Belt 4-eva!

Bruno May 11, 2010 at 1:18 pm

On the Flag point: If all the flags are now made in China (available at a Walmart near you), is it OK to poop on them, or is that still considered unconsteetootional?

Extemporanus May 11, 2010 at 1:20 pm


Ready your keyboards and drink Hamm’s, for tonight, WE TEABLOG IN HELL!

crapshooter102 May 11, 2010 at 1:22 pm

I once saw a Pole Dancer in California with eyes like Michele. They hauled her off to Rehab a couple of days later, never to be heard from again.

Jumping Jim May 11, 2010 at 1:24 pm

[re=574577]lizzieborden[/re]: Turning japanese is good for so, so many different reasons.

AutomaticPilot May 11, 2010 at 1:31 pm

[re=574495]JMP[/re]: Excuse me! TWO-hit wonder! Don’t you remember “Don’t tell me you love me”?

JMP May 11, 2010 at 1:32 pm

[re=574556]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Lauri brought up the Styx, so it just flows naturally. That said, if Bachmann even did become President, I’d have to go sailing away, set an open course on the virgin seas…

[re=574587]WriteyWriterton[/re]: The secret of PBR is that hipster kids can claim to be drinking it ironically, because of the scene in Blue Velvet (which I think is still big at colleges; it was when I was in school and it was a decade old then) while they’re really buying it because it’s really, really cheap.

4tehlulz May 11, 2010 at 1:41 pm


Prommie May 11, 2010 at 2:08 pm

[re=574551]Mr Blifil[/re]: Be still, my heart, oh, it is her, what a vision of loveliness.

richardwb1 May 11, 2010 at 2:11 pm

[re=574655]JMP[/re]: The Styx flows preternaturally…

oldsteel211 May 11, 2010 at 2:12 pm

Golly, one of my my darkest secretest, naughtiest “juice out” fantasies would be to make babies with that nice conservative all womyn lady, thank you Wooodrow Wilson for giving the “other” white meat their god given right to interfere in the political process… Oh how my pants tighten

Prommie May 11, 2010 at 2:12 pm

[re=574688]4tehlulz[/re]: I invented that, the screaming “play freebird” ironically, at folk music concerts and piano recitals, and to heckle local bar bands. Yup, that was me; it was 1981, in the Shipwheel, in Brielle, New Jersey.

predilectrix May 11, 2010 at 2:41 pm

Thanks for all the Hamm’s shout outs. Now I’ve got damned tom-toms beating in my head.

Jukesgrrl May 11, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Finally! Someone acknowledges that Tractor Supply Company is the best place to buy EPs.

the problem child May 11, 2010 at 3:33 pm

[re=574655]JMP[/re]: Yup, Blue Velvet was to blame.

[re=574754]Prommie[/re]: Damn you to hell for that!

One Flew Over the Wingnut May 11, 2010 at 7:01 pm

GAAHHHH, good god, I looked right into those crazy cockeyes. They’re strangely hypnotic…and when you stare at them…suddenly her insanity makes sense….YOU’RE ALL LIBERAL NAZI FASHICT COMMONISTS PORGRESSIVES!…oooh, ohhh, I stopped looking…where am I?

Tundra Grifter May 11, 2010 at 7:14 pm

[re=574489][/re]: Or Busch.

new complexnegro May 11, 2010 at 8:55 pm

Madame Bachman is such a hyper Beeeathch!!!! She does have some good dick sucking looking lips though.

HoBeaux May 12, 2010 at 1:51 am

[re=574509]Mr Blifil[/re]: I was at that gig too. In fact I’ve been at every STARZ gig ever, but that’s cuz it’s sort of required when you’re the singer.When we toured with Styx, the part of the show when each guy did a solo turn, the other guys would come in our dressing room, one by one, and rag on how much the guy currently on stage sucked.

So yeh, I guess by their own collective judgement,they reek.

Sorry you didn’t get laid, you should have come to the hotel and hung out. In fact, I think I actually,umm, “met” Michelle Bachman one night. We played in St. Paul and I woke up next to a 5 foot 16 year old whose eyes glowed in the dark like those neon stick things they waved around during the encore….

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