Deep-thinkin’ Mexican tort-reformin’ bidnessman Tim James, candidate for Alabama governor, has released the latest installment in his “wander ’round the mansion lookin’ pensive ‘n’ shit” series of advertisements. This one’s called “Sex Offenders” and opens with our hero, top shirt button undone and tie loosened for the first time, clutching his terrified wife and saying, “I’m Tim James. We’ve got three kids…” So it’s probably about difficult funding measures and/or necessary bureaucratic restructuring. No panderin’ this time.
Tim James says that he wants to make sex offenders re-register with the state every 90 days, just to see who they’ve been fuckin’. Why not make it every 45 days? A man can get to fuckin’ all sorts of young’uns in 45 days. And Tim James is gonna beat the shit outta each one of ‘em.
Some legislators, he adds, would disagree with this, because how’s they gonna get to fuckin’ their kids anymore? How “inconvenient,” he adds, using a word he can just barely pronounce. Don’t touch they bread-and-buttah.
Tim James also says that he is a businessman.
[YouTube]
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Only businessmen truly understand pedophilia.
Are those two rubbing their private areas together in that video? She looks ready to throw her head back saying “Take me, stud!”
I thought he was saying “incontinent”.
Hope he can fit the extra money in the state budget for the offices that have to re-register all dem der in-cone-venanced sex offenders.
Well, now, that’s exactly what a sex offending politician would say.
This will work great! Just like how the no-fly list kept those pesky terry-wrists like the (would-be) Shoe Bomber, the (would-be) Undie-Bomber, and the (even lamer would-be) Times Square Bomber off the airlines.
James is gonna go all ‘War On Drugs’ on the pedophiles, meaning there will soon be more more pedos, just like how there are no more drugs.
I’m glad someone is finally standing up to sex offenders. If there is any lobby with a deathlock on the Alabama state house, it’s pedophiles.
Tim’s gonna make it easy on ‘em, though. Every time a sex-offender comes in to re-register, he gets a 15%-off coupon for video games at any one of the seven Chuckee Cheeze franchises that Tim James own in the Montgomery metro area.
I assume this means that he wants to raise taxes to pay for all the extra bureaucrats who spend all their time registering all those folks who got arrested when a cop spotted them taking a piss behind a tree, ten years ago.
This video is a multi-headed tapeworm of non-sequiturs…even the editing seems to have this quality. Was this written and produced by the candidate at home, while drinking cough syrup and finger-banging that wife-lady?
It makes sex to me…
Does it to you?
I’m a bidnissman, so I understand how convenient it is to impose ineffectual measures that sound like they’re doing something but are expensive, time-consuming, and paperwork-generating, as well as, did I mention, ineffectual. Tim James. Because it’s time we give the appearance of accomplishing something.
[re=572581]jus_wonderin[/re]: [re=572594]SmutBoffin[/re]: “I’m Tim James, bitch!”
He does have a Buford Pusser sort of look to him, and old Buford knew how to take a big stick to some problems and get em fixed.
Does this make him a sex defender?
He seems like a douchebag to me… does he to you?
Ima biznezman, so it don’ make no doggone diffrence whethers I kin or kan’t say “sum politishin think might inconveniense the sex offernderz” without soundin’ like a ijit.
If only I knew if he was a bidnizmayn or not. Won’t someone tell us?
Tim is the multi-millionaire scion of a wealthy family.
He was educated at the Baylor School, a private boarding school whose grads include Donald Pippin, the former Musical Director of New York’s Radio City Music Hall; Arthur Golden, author of Memoirs of a Geisha; and Tom Jolley of the New York Times. He is a life-long Episcopalian.
Tim is owner of one of the largest garbage dumps in America, and since he opened it in 1988, there has been a 99% increase of pollutants released into the environment in Escambia County, Alabama. This places Escambia county among the worst counties in the U.S. for total environmental toxin releases and releases of carcinogens into the air.
He did very well in the acting classes, for which the Baylor School is so well known.
[re=572591]bureaucrap[/re]: “In 2004, James and his brothers entered into a deal with Orange Beach, Alabama to build a toll bridge over the Intracoastal Waterway. Although analysts expect the city to profit from the deal beginning in 2014 the city is presently having to borrow money to meet the terms of the arrangement. James no longer owns the bridge but sold it to an Australian company for $70 million. As of December 2009 the city had paid the company almost twice the amount the city collected in revenues from the bridge.”–http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_James_(politician)
[re=572605]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: And you know he’ll release an ad touting that he takes care of the environment.
What a pussy. Why not make them register every fuckin’ day like a real businessman would. Shit, every hour. Make them show up every freakin’ hour. And some freedom lovin’ bureaucrat should be required to smell their dicks to make sure it ain’t bin dipped in nothin’ naughty, like your 8 year olds vajajay.
[re=572605]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: Yeah, but Mrs. Tim James. I’d wreck that chick.
This guy is Grade A looney-bananas. I love it. If they exist, are the Alabama gubernatorial debates streamed on the world wide webertubes?
Half of Tim James is a sex offender. The other half is just black. Does it to you?
[re=572600]Scarab[/re]: That screenshot alone should be scrawled into every copy of Webster’s dictionary next to the entry asshole.
Guy looks like a grown up version of one of the bullies from Revenge of the Nerds.
[re=572611]MMS[/re]: It is unclear whether he or she played lacrosse. I believe his sport was football, which for an SEC region is not too far afield.
At least he’s not another son of a friggin’ mill worker. Wait–what does he do again?
Yes it does to me. Let’s put the fear of God into these sex offenders by making them fill out forms more frequently. I’m sure they’ll be scared straight by the very thought of it.
Over/Under on number of takes it took him to say “inconvenience” correctly?
I’m setting the line at 7.5 and taking the over.
/I’m a businessman
I can’t wait for the day when he gets caught in an airport toilet stall with an underage rentboy named Miguel. Seriously…you know this is going to happen.
Tim James saying, “Make sense to me,” translates into standard English as, “Ain’t this some retarded shit?”
I eagerly await his proposal to dis-inter all those criminals who received the death penalty, so he can re-execute them again, every 45 days. He’s Tim James, dammit.
It looks like all these ads were taped in the same day and Tim was knockin’ a few back as they went along. By the end he’s going to have on nothin’ but his socks and shorts and he’ll be sluring common sense racial epithets and Bible verses – you know, worse than he is at this point.
[re=572621]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: “Seriously…you know this is going to happen.”
–
I was thinking the same thing. Of course he will deny it saying “I was conferring Miguel about my sex offender registry package and then…I dropped my pen.”
[re=572611]MMS[/re]: yes, she is mesmerizing, for a 50-something; she looks like the mom on a 60s TV sitcom, the sexy mom. Elizabeth Montgomery. And her look of combined terror on account of the sex offenders, and utter confidence in, and adoration for, her strong and protective man there, well, she just makes my loins tingle, she does. I have a fucking liberal wife who is more succesful than I am and makes way more money and usually only looks at me when I have done something which amuses her or annoys her. This one, she is of the old school, I could learn to like that worshipful adoration thing.
Does this guy have even a chance of hell in being elected? Because I smell the first ever male Kitty Harris right here, and baby, I am up for those lulz. We should take up a collection for his campaign.
Every time he walks towards the camera, I’m afraid he’s going to punch me in the mouth! Does it to you?
[re=572605]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: He’s also the son of fumbling Fob, former two (non-consecutive) term Alabama governor, who once imitated a monkey at a press conference, in order to disprove the theory of evolution. The poisonous fucktard doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Probably wants to do a joint venture privatized reregistration centre/prison with the Cheney family. Makes sense to me!
[re=572625]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: Since he’s Church of England, I’m not sure he knows too many Bible verses — maybe some boarding-school Hopkins poems, once the gin really kicks in.
Frankly, it’s offensive that TimJames has been sexxed at least thrice by that attractive lady. Fifteen seconds of gruntin’ and snortin’ and that neck on top of you seems an awfully high price to pay for three annuities.
[re=572632]Jim Demintia[/re]: “Poison fucktard”? I like that, but I fear that you are being way too kind.
Tim’s poor wifey, she has that “Beam me up now, sweet Jesus” look.
[re=572585]lizzieborden[/re]: Isn’t this the guy who was complaining about all the money spent on such bureaucratic bloat as printing things in more than one language? How has his head not exploded?
Hey Mr. Bidnissman — you realize, of course, that that’s gonna make your (should you win and become gubernator) employees work more. Which means more pay. Which means either higher taxes or less net income for the state. So how are you gonna fix that?
Here’s a suggestion — have the state set up a sex offenders registry at every gun show. It’ll be quick and convenient, at a minimal cost, and once the sex offender gets his hand stamped, he can buy guns to his heart’s content. Makes sense to me.
Duzzittoyew?
Fukkin Buford Pusser.
Where do I register to sexually offend Mrs. James every 90 days?
[re=572637]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: The word “belligerent” must be included in the final formulation of the appropriate string of epithets which describes him. He is all about being belligerent.
Why does he want to pass a law that would inconvenience almost every member of the Republican party?
I’m also not sure about his “Imma businessman”, since they’re the absolute last people you’d want having power in government; look at how fucked the US still is from our last businessman president.
Reminds me of those irritating twits I used to run into when I was a bartender at the airport – overgrown gone to seed jocks that still think they’re a big bully in college with the hanger-on trophy wife that can only think about making money and screwing over other people to make himself feel big.
I would pay a tranny with spiked heels to kick him in the groin. Does it to you?
When he says “I’ve got three kids,” he looks right through the camera at you with a look that says “top that, faggot.” He wants to win everything. And he’ll kick your ass if you beat him, so he wins, no matter what.
“I’m Tim James. We’ve got three kids. How ’bout you?”
We’ve got three kids, how about you?
Umm, James, no. I haven’t even got one kid. Me and my husband have been trying and trying, but I keep swallowing ‘em all. Just makes sense to me………………
………..does it to you?
[re=572644]ph7[/re]: It’s very simple; anything in a foreign language offends him, so just say something sexual in the non-English language of your choice.
[re=572643]Buzz Feedback[/re]: Walkin’ Tard: The Tim James Story
I’m pretty sure I can use “ginormous douche” at all these wingnut posts. Does it to you, asshole?
[re=572627]jus_wonderin[/re]: I dropped my pen Sounds like the title to a gay country song – I dropped by pen, but he picked up my luggage.
[re=572655]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: John C. Reilly would nail him.
[re=572629]Tommmcatt[/re]: You don’t need to send him a campaign contribution; he already has more money than God.
Which raises the question: with all his riches and extremely bangable wife, and the deference that combination gets you in the depths of ‘Bamasippi or whereverthehell he’s from, why bother going to the effort of being governor? No, it don’t make sense to me.
looks like he’s plumb outgrowing that bidnessman’s shirt he’s wearing. maybe blinky the wife can help him pick out some new ones that fit. makes sense to me…
[re=572600]Scarab[/re]: He’s a humanitarian, dammit. And a human rim job.
[re=572628]Prommie[/re]: Yeah, but you’d get tired of it after awhile, especially when you have to start supporting her. Ask my husband.
[re=572641]SayItWithWookies[/re]: And gun shows would be an excellent place to put it since a majority of the people who attend are definately kid-touchers.
Has Palin endorsed this shitferbrainz yet?
[re=572646]JMP[/re]: coughcoughFORBEScoughcough…cough. That is all.
[re=572652]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: If at first you don’t succeed, try stroking the shaft some. *(RIMJOB)*
I’m Roscoe P Coltraine, and I want the sex offender to re-register with the state, face to face, every SINGLE day. Some folks don’t wanna ‘inconvenience’ the sex offenders, like the pussy candidate, Tim James.
Whatchoo gon do now, huh? Whatchoo gon do NOW???
[re=572658]Prommie[/re]: “John C. Reilly would nail him.”
–
Charles Nelson Reilly probably would too, may he rest in peace.
Tim James taught his son to drive by entering him into the Indy 500. The kid wrecked, and died. James said, “It would have happened sometime!”
Did I ever tell you about the time Tim James forced me to wear a woman’s bikini? Well anyway, Tim tears off my clothes and forces me to wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct my business wearing only a woman’s bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily, but Ill be damned if at the end of the quarter my sales hadn’t tripled. He’s a businessman!
So, I’m in the back of a pickup with Tim James and a live deer! Well, Tim, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, “I’m Tim James! Say it!” Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth – “himyames!” It wasn’t exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!
That’s Tim James! He’s a businessman!
The wife looks like she’s in a hostage tape.
[re=572659]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Yeah, I don’t get that either. Stay home and bang your wife, dude.
Reminds me of a time me and a buddy were about to go on the evening news at a public park to bitch about a religious display there in the winter (guess which holiday that was). Some guy with a smoking hot girlfriend sees us and wants to engage us in a sidewalk debate. We could use the warm up, so we engage this tool, all the time looking over his shoulder at the woman’s growing irritation. Finally, I say to the guy something like, “If you’re not going to take her to dinner, one of us is going to. Fuck the news.” She gave us a real purdy smile and the dork still didn’t get the point.
All that money and a woman who looks at you like that? Dude!
Sounds like bigger gubmint and higher taxes to me, Mr. Republican Bidnissman. Duzzitteyew?
[re=572680]Gunner[/re]: His mother has a tattoo that says “Son.”
This guy can’t even fake being sincere. He looks angry in this video, just like in the one he said he’d make ‘Merican the official language. “I’m Tim James. Vote for me or I’ll BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU!!1!11!1!!”
[re=572655]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Hee hee.
To which Tim’s opponent responds: “sheeeeeit, if Timmy there was a REAL conservative, promoting REAL conservative values, he woulda done gone and advocated for executin’ (with 100% legal assault weapons, dammit) them-there sex offenders when they done go and show up to register. Damn sex-offender-lovin’ socialist.”
[re=572641]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Well, consider the money they will save once the state starts to print DMV forms solely in Alabama’s native language. Makes cents to Tim.
[re=572714]Crazybroad[/re]: [re=572669]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: YOUR POINT! (Well played.)
With the sound off, he looks like a rage-oholic pacing and stomping through the house in a drunken, angry tirade. Man, he’s mad at someone, and that someone is going to pay. The camera shakes every time he moves, as if the cameraman is quaking in fear of a sudden, hard shove or a punch in the mouth.
I would be willing to bet that Mrs. James hasn’t been sexually offended in quite awhile.
[re=572741]TubeCity[/re]: Baylor School, the elite boarding school that he attended, does have a lacrosse programme.
He talks like a prison guard right before the beat-down.
[re=572655]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: There’s something about James that makes me suspect he’s got to love his negro man.
Nothing reduces pathological dominance seeking behavior like constant exposure to civil service workers. This will be the best thing for our women and children since Catholocism.
1 She looks terrified and unaccustomed to being this close to him
2 He’s making sex offenders a campaign issue
ergo
he’s a sex offender. boys or girls? I’m betting she’s terrified because her 7 year old daughter is the one usually held this close.
Haven’t we learned reverse republican logic yet? married + sex issue = lover of that kind of sex
I live in Texas, where white Republican douchebags are manufactured. And ever single last one of them has a wife that looks identical to that lady.
[re=572605]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: Correction: he’s not the owner of the one of the largest garbage dumps in America, yet; he’ hasn’t been elected Governor of it yet!
[re=572705]PancakeBreakfast[/re]: He looks really angry to me, too. I think that’s the answer to [re=572659]Lascauxcaveman[/re]:’s question, “…why bother going to the effort of being governor?” He’s had the money for so long, he’s bored with it. Now he just wants more power over the few people left in the state who aren’t already his employees. He obviously loves issuing orders: Learn English! Register! Stop suing! You’ll find even more on his Website: Pay more attention to your children! Go to church! Love your mother! Leave bidnessmen alone!
The only possible rational response to “I’m Tim James. We have three kids . . . ” is a fast call to the FBI Hostage Rescue Team.
[They have really kewl guns, by the way. And BETTER than pipe bombs!]
I’m Tim James. We’ve got three kids…How ’bout you?
How about me? Is Tim James offering to fill me up with his baby batter? I’m so confused.
[re=572819]mumblyjoe[/re]: Actually, he does own in. It’s the Timberlands Landfill in Escambia County, north of Destin and Seaside. It leaks mercury and other contaminants into the groundwater.
Dear Tim James,
You should have some kind of transition between talking about your having three children and then talking about sex offenders, because it sounds like you have children locked in your basement and are offering to swap.
I’m just glad that George Winston is still writing music — even if it is for television advertisements.
Wow, the singer from My Morning Jacket cleans up really well once he got a hair cut. He still talks funny though.
[re=572586]gurukalehuru[/re]: Actually, you are probably right there. The conservatives advocating harsher measures for kid-diddling sure seem to get caught kid-diddling enough times to make this ad seem suspicious.
[re=572880]loquaciousmusic[/re]: +1 obscure reference point. My jazz choir nerd boyfriend took me to a Winston concert in seventh grade.
I peed on a Mexican. I better go register.
Who is the frightened looking woman Walking Tim is apparently holding hostage in the vid?
Tim James needs to parade his children out like Scott Brown did before I can make a decision on whether I support this proposal.
Duh, — I finally understand Tim’s interest. A web search with “Baylor School” and “sex offender” turns up characters like Willie Idlette and Michael Muskiet, part of a great tradition, I’m sure.
“The Sex Fenders” sounds like a good name for a band, which I pretty much just copied from Jim’s headline. Does it to you?
[re=572980]Sharkey[/re]: I agree. Send me a copy of the demo–and it better be rockabilly.
[re=572593]Spike[/re]: “all those folks who got arrested when a cop spotted them taking a piss behind a tree, ten years ago.”
Still bitter, are we?
The clear winner here is the his campaign consultant, who is laughing all the way to the too-big-to- fail bank.
[re=572880]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Hey, I wallpapered my apartment once with George Winston’s tinklings. Just kidding. He helped me score with new age chicks.
[re=572830]Jukesgrrl[/re]: [re=572659]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Or he could have a micropenis, and wants to does it to you. Makes sense to me.
Laugh all you assholes want to, but the upshot of all this damn publicity is he’s been separated from the rest of the field of Republicans running in the primary, and he now (as compared to, say, 3 months ago, has a great chance of winning the primary over the jerk Repub. who was ahead, who at least wouldn’t be such a douchebag.
Artur Davis (I hope, but since he’s black he has his work cut out for him in AL) is projected to be the Dem. primary winner. With the Yahoos in this retarded state, we’ll be stuck w/ this James character—– His Dad was Gov. before him, and he at least had a tiny amount of sense. Even HE turned out to be a big piece of pig droppings in the end (umm, Chain Gangs, anyone? Don’t get me started on what he did to the school systems (shitty to start with as it was).
Tell you what, you folks take this twit on, and let us muddle through the rest of our sorry-ass primary/election season as good as we can, ok? Please???
[re=573107]Words[/re]: Lighten up, Francis.
[re=573107]Words[/re]: Oh dear. You live in ‘Bamasippi? I’ve no words.
Except: why?
I bet you he needs to hear his wife call him a businessman before he climaxes.
Wow, a ‘bidnessman.” Well, he’s got my vote, for bidnessman. Not so much for the other stuff… I wonder how he would sound with a baling hook in his jaw while being drug upwards in a cotton gin tower towards the roof on a rough hemp rope. You know, like an uppity nigger. Just wondering.
[re=573107]Words[/re]: Get an avatar–you’ll be taken more srsly here.
[re=573107]Words[/re]: See, the thing is the Republicans used to win elections by acting dumb to appeal to fucktards like this bidnessman character, or crazy housewives like Michelle Bachmann. Now, they’re reduced to having the fucktards take over the party from the inside. Like Huckabee said, “I don’t just come to you asking for your vote, I come from you.”
The sooner we find the lowest common denominator of the Republican party, the sooner we destroy them. But hot damn that’s a deep well!
Also, is does it to you the new also? Makes sense to me.
I hear that Mrs. Tim James was a thespian before their marriage and even performed the act in front of paying customers. And — shocking, but true — there is a slight bit of the homo sapien about Tim himself.
Sigh, Alabama. The Don Siegalman lesson was to never again get our hopes up.
Ugly scandal coming in 1 … 2 … 3 …
[re=573159]hunter.blatherer[/re]: You are quite wrong. As I have noted, Tim is an educated person from a wealthy family. The Neanderthal persona came from the George (Ivy League) Bush script.
Although I doubt he screws his own kids, because he’s a republican, and protests Waaaaay too much, I suspect he is probably screwing someone else’s kids. That’s the way it seems to work lately.
[re=573161]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: And you’ve probably heard the mastication rumor, too: he not only masticates, in front of his kids, he encourages them to masticate too.
Right there at the dinner table!
[re=573163]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: Well, education and wealth don’t equal intelligence. Yet it may still be probable James is playing off of the old script. Maybe we could get Trig to run?
Sorry @ the rant/lack of humor from last night. The oil spill has me disgruntled in general..
[re=573163]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: As been shown in other states, education and wealth don’t necessarily make good leaders. George Wallace had both (wealth later, that’s true) and look where he took Alabama. Thanks to the fact that he never carried Jefferson County in any election, that county was the last to get any type of interstate and highway work started, much less finished. As you sighed, Alabama. Never has lived up to its possibilities.
I met Wallace once, years after he was shot. Deaf as a fence post and confined to a wheel chair. He was at some banquet I had to attend. The President of the Hanks Williams International Fan Club, an excessively curly-haired woman from Pine Apple, accidentally tumped a gravy-boat full of I-talian dressing into his lap.
In a sad way, it was one of the high points of my life.
[re=573190]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: OMG! That’s a great anecdote!!
You’re probably off-line by now. But for tomorrow:
My husband went to Indian Springs, at the time an expensive nerdy boys’ boarding school a few miles outside B’ham; and when he was a junior, it was the student body’s request to have Wallace come and speak (1968)—- they were a little ahead of their time: their idea was to ambush him and (as they were Southeastern debating champs and oh-we’re-so-smart teenagers at the time) crush him with their mighty intellectual debates. Well, Lo and Behold!! Mr. Wallace, having a law degree and as a Southern Alabama debater who could talk a donkey into putting on a tuxedo, he just (albeit Very Gentlemanly etc… ) gently put these uppity white wealthy boys down. They were very frustrated. But thank God, they continued to be and stand against segregation and bigotry.
Like I said earlier, Wallace was a very smart man, at least at debating. So, I hear, is the Devil; Hitler was a great rabble rouser, too.
Upon occasion, I am asked why I stay in Alabama. Then there’s the time, during Mobile’s Mardi Gras, I sailed a miniature Moon Pie across Dauphin Street and hit an obnoxious drunk square in the center of his forehead.
Only in Alabama….
Please stop calling him Tim James. His name is TimJames.
Does it to you?
That’s one of those phrases that, the more you say it, the less sense language makes.
In that opening photo they both look like his wife just walked in.
And – if he were a real business man he wouldn’t have those sex offenders register. He’d have ‘em punch a timeclock.
Hell, with all those gay conservative incest crazy and closet upscale hypocrite gay republicans in Alabama , he is going to have his work cut out for him.
“I’m TimJames, and I own a cow. It’s a black cow, but it still gives white milk, why is that? Imagine how much time we lose having to mix Nestle’s Quik into our milk to make chocolate milk? I’m a businessman and I know time is money. But those Washington bureaucrats don’t care, they go all the time in the world. When I’m Governor, I’ll make black cows give chocolate milk. Makes sense to me. Does it to you?”
Paid for by Retards for TimJames
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATjM1eolfGg
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