THAT GREEN AND PLEASANT LAND  9:35 am May 7, 2010

Leaderless Britain Suspiciously Riot-Free

by Josh Fruhlinger

It's goofy album cover day!

As the mists rising from vomit-filled gutters all over the United Kingdom were chased away by the feeble northern sun, bleary-eyed drunken yobs all over the island awoke to discover that the votes they had cast the previous day on a lark had resulted in no clear winner. David Cameron, the posh Tory whose youthful hobbies included destroying property, six months ago was a shoo-in to demolish Labour’s Gordon Brown, who is hated by everyone including himself, and cute li’l Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats; and though the known cock-fantasizer did indeed come in first, his Conservatives didn’t get more than half the seats in Parliament meaning NOBODY IS IN CHARGE ANARCHY WHOOOOO!!!

The whole thing that made this election vaguely interesting was fickle Britain’s sudden love affair the adorably wonkish Nick Clegg of the Lib Dems, but it turns out that even over the course of the ludicrously short British election cycle (a month! God, how awesome would it be if our elections lasted a month, instead of, you know, infinity years) they couldn’t be bothered to remember their brief infatuation with him, so his party actually ended up losing seats. But still, nobody can get a parliamentary majority without him! In that polite way that the crumbling remains of the British upper class has, everybody is demurring to everyone else: Clegg says the Conservatives should get a first chance at forming the government, even though he fucking hates their guts; Brown just came out from the “British White House” (a tiny rowhouse that wouldn’t even go for half a million in Brooklyn) and gave a speech in which he said that if Clegg and Cameron wanted to buddy up, he’d totally understand, don’t mind him. Then he went back inside and wept tears of mingled relief and self-loathing.

The best part of the evening was when awful flat-earther Democratic Unionist leader Peter Robinson lost his seat in Northern Ireland to a nice lady from the only party in Northern Ireland not based on killing the fuck out of people from the flavor of Christianity that its members don’t subscribe to. This is probably less because of the Northern Irish embracing love and understanding and more because of a hilarious sex scandal in which Robinson’s wife (also an MP) helped her 19-year-old boyfriend get loans to start a restaurant.

Anyway, now that the British state is rudderless because all of these political leaders are too busy making awkward passes at each other on state-funded TV to govern, why haven’t roving gangs of chavs taken control of the streets? Why is Buckingham Palace not in flames? Most experts agree that it’s because the British people are such notorious and unreformable drunkards that even now, mid-afternoon “Queen Elizabeth Time,” they’re still groggy and hung over. When the sun goes down, that’s when the Victoria and Albert Museum goes up in flames and soused Stoke City supporters use Prince William’s head as an impromptu “football” in Hyde Park.

 
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{ 54 comments }

JMP May 7, 2010 at 9:40 am

The Lib Dems actually had their share of the vote go up quite a bit from the last election, and lost seats at the same time. It’s nice to see that America isn’t the only country with a really fucked up election system.

Or maybe that should be rightly buggered-up election system.

gurukalehuru May 7, 2010 at 9:41 am

A shoo-in, for fuck’s sake.

El Pinche May 7, 2010 at 9:42 am

I’d hate to be a dustbin in Shaftesbury.

Barry White Zombie May 7, 2010 at 9:43 am

So you’re saying roving gangs of chavs haven’t taken control of the streets? Based on my time there I respectfully disagree.

Josh Fruhlinger May 7, 2010 at 9:48 am

[re=572256]gurukalehuru[/re]: Argh! Fixed.

queeraselvis v 2.0 May 7, 2010 at 9:48 am

So “coalition government” = “sexytime threesome involving Brown, Cameron, and Clegg,” right? Why can’t this sort of shit happen on this side of the pond, people?

Josh Fruhlinger May 7, 2010 at 9:51 am

[re=572254]JMP[/re]: All the votes aren’t in, but the Lib Dem’s vote only looks to have gone up by one percent or so (22.1 in ’05 vs. around 23 today). Not that the system isn’t bollocked up, as they still didn’t end up with anything like 23 percent of the seats.

ella May 7, 2010 at 9:51 am

Brown’s been demoralized ever since Hopey gave him that box of DVDs instead of something he could pawn someday, so this is all Hopey’s fault.

Canmon (the Inadequate) May 7, 2010 at 9:52 am

[re=572254]JMP[/re]: They’ve only been at this for 750 years. Give them time to get the hang of it.

mirrorball May 7, 2010 at 9:52 am

I’m guessing some Labor voters for got to send their ballots in by trained monkey. Such a shame not to use the service.

drpangloss May 7, 2010 at 9:52 am

So bussiness as usual for the United Kingdom. It’s funny our own system looks broken and disfunctional. Until you look at someone elses system and it’s just as bad or worse.

Hello Sunshine May 7, 2010 at 9:53 am

Cameron, looking slightly pissed off, just announced to the world that he’ll play with the Lib-Dems if he absolutely has to, and tried to pretend that their parties are very much alike. Cleggy is due to respond shortly.

Also, plane crash victim Nigel Farage finished a distant third in his vote, and the guy who had his finger bitten off won his.

mirrorball May 7, 2010 at 9:55 am

damn it. Did that link not work

http://ballotmonkey.org/

Capitol Hillbilly May 7, 2010 at 9:56 am

Leave it to a draftsman to quote William Blake.

freakishlystrong May 7, 2010 at 9:56 am

The teeth! My God, will no one think of the teeth?

Limeylizzie May 7, 2010 at 10:01 am

[re=572274]freakishlystrong[/re]: Hi Ho Wonketteers, my hideously Conservative home town of Eastbourne, East Sussex, although full disclosure I really was born in a hospital in Tooting, has ousted the bastard Tory and we have a Lib/Dem for the first time …hic glug glug belch.

Monsieur Grumpe May 7, 2010 at 10:02 am

Those Daily Mail pictures almost make Mississippi look good. Almost.
Also!
I’m developing a theory that New Castle causes brain damage.

JamesMichaelCurley May 7, 2010 at 10:02 am

The reader doth have no fear for Squire Allworthy will conduct the contestants to a settlement of their disparities over a joint of mutton. As for the villianous Mr. Blifil, he became a methodist in the hope of marrying a rich woman and retired to the northern counties and acquired a pocket borough and a seat on the back bench.

madtowngooner May 7, 2010 at 10:04 am

Anarchy in the UK. Has a nice ring to it

Limeylizzie May 7, 2010 at 10:06 am

[re=572275]Limeylizzie[/re]: That wasn’t actually a reply to freakishly strong, sorry just dazed after a night of watching the Beeb.

MarieDeGournay May 7, 2010 at 10:07 am

[re=572273]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: “Sooner murder an infant in its cradle than nurse an unacted desire.” from the Marriage of Heaven and Hell. Apropo I think.

ArkansasFred May 7, 2010 at 10:11 am

Gordon Ramsay should start a new series called Parliament Nightmares. He will just walk into the Houses of Commons and Lords and loudly berate and humiliate everyone until all of the UK’s problems are fixed. Or the hour is up. Whichever.

I_Like_Tigers May 7, 2010 at 10:12 am

I’m awake and not at work. I win teh morning!

freakishlystrong May 7, 2010 at 10:13 am

[re=572274]freakishlystrong[/re]: Well, anyone born in Tooting, and willing to admit it, is a life-long friend of mine.

WadISay May 7, 2010 at 10:14 am

Prediction: Nick Clegg will not need to go begging for hookers and blow while Parliament stays hung.

Whiskeybaby May 7, 2010 at 10:17 am

I had only marginal interest in this election until last night when I found myself quite transfixed by the BBC coverage, which consisted of one dusty looking old geezer crossing to some other geezer who looked like John Cleese in an ill-fitting suit, and the conversation would go something like this:
“What ho, old chap? I say, we are in a right pickle now, tally ho!”
“So who’s running the country then would you say, old boy?”
“Buggered if I know, Charles!”

It was strangely riveting.

Joshua Norton May 7, 2010 at 10:20 am

Maybe they should consult with Scalia and crew. They just love fixing elections.

chaste everywhere May 7, 2010 at 10:20 am

In the immortal words of whatsisface (the jowly one with the cigar who won World War 2 all by his lonesome): Keep Buggering On!

Manos: Hands of Fate May 7, 2010 at 10:22 am

Canada deals with this shit all the time. They haven’t had a majority government in like seven years. Of course Canadians are a lot more laid back and thanks to all their icky dirt oil and annoying banking regulation, the government isn’t about to go bankrupt anytime soon, so everyone can just chill.

Cape Clod May 7, 2010 at 10:24 am

[re=572275]Limeylizzie[/re]: Is Tooting anywhere near Dorking? My Aunt lived in Dorking. It was hard not to snigger when we visited her.

ForTheTurnstiles May 7, 2010 at 10:27 am

[re=572281]MarieDeGournay[/re]: The cut worm forgives the plow. William Blake: strangely pro-circumcision and kinda ambivalent about the Jewish Question

chaste everywhere May 7, 2010 at 10:29 am

[re=572294]Cape Clod[/re]: My uncle lived in Sniggering, so you can imagine what visiting him was like.

jimmynail May 7, 2010 at 10:35 am

[re=572276]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: I’m from Newcastle myself. You’re not wrong.

qwerty42 May 7, 2010 at 10:35 am

This may help to understand what is going on “over there”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJhRMrFORNI&feature=related

And there is this.

Way Cool Larry May 7, 2010 at 10:42 am

[re=572279]madtowngooner[/re]: yeah, someone should write a song about it… I’d look up the YouTube but it’s too much of a pain on my iPhone.

Dr Dave May 7, 2010 at 10:54 am

It’s not “state funded tv”. It’s a corporation established by Royal Charter and funded by a compulsary licence. Totally different.

Mr Blifil May 7, 2010 at 10:56 am

And only the wounded remain
the Generals have all left the game
with no will to fight
they’ll fade with the light
the whole world is going insane

Hello Sunshine May 7, 2010 at 11:04 am

[re=572294]Cape Clod[/re]: Not by English standards. Tooting (where I live) is in south-west London, Dorking is in the Surrey countryside about an hour’s drive away. Labour’s Sadiq Khan (first Muslin to attend cabinet, fact fans) was relected as Tooting’s MP last night, prompting chants of “Yes we Khan” from his jubilant supporters.

notreallyhelping May 7, 2010 at 11:25 am

I had no idea Christopher Hitchens had so many children.

June Cleaver 2.0 May 7, 2010 at 11:33 am

[re=572275]Limeylizzie[/re]: This is a real question– why won’t the Liberal Democrats and the Labour Party hook up? That seems more logical to me. Or maybe the conservatives from the UK aren’t the devil’s imphs?

peeno nwar May 7, 2010 at 11:47 am

Anarchy in the UK! So, do we get to circulate the “Revocation of the Magna Carta” now, or some shit? Limetards had it coming.

Lascauxcaveman May 7, 2010 at 11:57 am

[re=572289]Whiskeybaby[/re]: Did they report on gains/losses by the Silly Party? http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=silly++party+python

Capitol Hillbilly May 7, 2010 at 12:08 pm

[re=572295]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: I love his poems and I love his paintings, but what I love most was the fact that he thought of himself first and foremost as a printer.

Mr Blifil May 7, 2010 at 12:08 pm

[re=572370]June Cleaver 2.0[/re]: You are touching the third rail a bit. The reason the US press didn’t pile on Gordon Brown for his “bigot” comment, was because the outraged constituent lady was chiefly concerned that the browns were preventing socialism from working more better. What we know as Conservatism (excluding religious fundamentalists) they call Thatcherism. Thatcherism is not very popular, which means the rest of the Conservatives love socialist welfare and are dedicated to the idea of keeping things “British,” which is why they pretend to be against the European Union, even though they know the UK has to participate. Nothing about this election endangers the social welfare state, so even though Conservatives gained, it’s not what the right wing here at home can really embrace with any satisfaction. To put it more succinctly, the British are all a bunch of fags.

pub_option May 7, 2010 at 12:54 pm

I was expecting the ‘cocks’ photo to reappear today, together with mention of a hung parliament.

GOPCrusher May 7, 2010 at 12:58 pm

King Arthur: I am your king.
Woman: Well I didn’t vote for you.
King Arthur: You don’t vote for kings.
Woman: Well how’d you become king then?
[Angelic music plays... ]
King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

-Monty Python and The Holy Grail

DraneSpout May 7, 2010 at 1:10 pm

Cocktail hour has commenced.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 7, 2010 at 1:46 pm

You know that Charles is somewhere just thinking “If I could just get rid of my mom, that old biddy, then I could show them all how you really run things.

even over the course of the ludicrously short British election cycle (a month! God, how awesome would it be if our elections lasted a month, instead of, you know, infinity years).

Josh, don’t forget where your bread is buttered. It is not like we come here just for the butterstick and buttsex reports.

iwillsavethispatient May 7, 2010 at 1:50 pm

Another highlight was the Green Party getting an MP elected from Brighton. Also, the BNP are in disarray.

JMP May 7, 2010 at 1:53 pm

[re=572422]Mr Blifil[/re]: My British-American dictionary tells me you just called the British a pack of cigarettes. So Brits are carcinogenic and addictive, make you feel calm and relaxed, make you look cooler, and stain your teeth?

joementum May 7, 2010 at 1:55 pm

So who did Sid Vicious vote for?

Lascauxcaveman May 8, 2010 at 2:01 am

[re=572572]joementum[/re]: Sid is currently dead, and has been for quite some time. But if he could vote these days, I’m sure he’d vote for more heroin. http://imagecache01a.allposters.com/images/pic/DMPOD/WA442740-FB~Sid-Vicious-of-the-Punk-Group-Sex-Pistols-Injects-Himself-with-Heroin-in-1978-Posters.jpg

Swessdawg May 8, 2010 at 12:30 pm

Well done, Josh.

Lake Affected May 8, 2010 at 10:42 pm

[re=572289]Whiskeybaby[/re]: It was really compelling television. I stayed up until 3:00 am watching the BBC coverage via C-Span in my hotel room in D.C. and laughing at towns named things like “Pudsey.” And at Fox News, for trying to turn the Tories’ non-decisive plurality into a victory for American conservatives, somehow.

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