IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:02 am May 7, 2010

If By ‘Cocky’ You Mean ‘Obsessed With Cock,’ Then Too Late

by Josh Fruhlinger

In handsomer days

  • Former New York State Senate Leader Joseph Bruno, who was exactly half the reason why New York State government was such an amusement park of dysfunction (the other half being Assembly Leader Sheldon Silver), has been convicted of a crime, hooray! Two crimes, actually, involving doing paid “consultant” work for some dude who also wanted to get government contracts, and who also paid Bruno $40,000 for a worthless horse(!). But will John Roberts set this monster free to walk the streets again? Almost certainly! The Supreme Court is right now debating the constitutionality of the very law that Bruno was convicted of, which is hilariously called “honest services fraud.” Two of the other people who the court would save if they overturned this law are Enron scumbag Jeffrey Skilling and awful Canadian-British press baron (and literal, actual baron) Conrad Black, who are of course the exact sort of person that Roberts, Scalia, and Alito got into the law to defend. [NYT]
  • Stock markets are still going all crazy everywhere, but don’t worry, because the G7 leaders are totally going to have a conference call about it today. There has literally never been a conference call that hasn’t totally resolved all the problems that the people calling in have been worried about. [NYT]
  • GOP Indiana Congressfellow Mike Pence is worried that the Republicans are overconfident about the midterms, and warns them all against getting “fat, sassy, and cocky.” Good luck with that, Mike! [Politico]
     
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 30 comments }

Whitey May 7, 2010 at 8:16 am

Mike Pence’s face may not be the fattest of his peer group, but it is among the sassiest and cockiest. In the world.

Whitey May 7, 2010 at 8:21 am

Smug. Smirking. Cock-sure. A face any mother would want to slap, repeatedly.

And maybe he could stand to lose a couple of pounds, after all.

the problem child May 7, 2010 at 8:42 am

Correction: Conrad renounced his Canadian citizenship so he could become a British Lord. (Of course, once he found out he’d have to spend time in prison in the US, he applied to get it back. I’m guessing the answer will be no.)

wheelie May 7, 2010 at 8:44 am

I remember The Return of Bruno – it was the last time Bruce Willis appeared to have any talent at all. 1987, I think it was.

mustardman May 7, 2010 at 9:02 am

Free Jeff Skillings and Conrad Black. Oh yea, that’s gonna improve the Supreme courts Citizens United image!

slavojzizek May 7, 2010 at 9:07 am

Josh–You must not spend much time in New York. Your math is off. Joseph Bruno + Sheldon Silver < David Paterson, when doing the math about what makes New York politics so hilarious. And lets not even start with Hiram Monserrate.

pondscum May 7, 2010 at 9:09 am

That “fair services” thing is also high on Blago’s list of proceedings to watch. And as we all know, if it involves Blago, it’s got to be funny. And illegal/immoral.

Josh Fruhlinger May 7, 2010 at 9:10 am

[re=572239]slavojzizek[/re]: I grew up in New York. Patterson’s only had a few years to fuck things up, admittedly fairly spectacularly. Bruno and Silver had been keeping the state in a death grip of dysfunction since the mid-90s.

DoktorZoom May 7, 2010 at 9:11 am

That’s great, kid! Don’t get penisy!

El Pinche May 7, 2010 at 9:18 am

Wonkette wins the morning…..with cock.

Monsieur Grumpe May 7, 2010 at 9:19 am

It is too early in the morning for me to wrap my mind around “honest service fraud”. Is that anything like authentic fake poop with simulated stench?
http://www.liquidass.com/fake_dog_doo.html

yargisbargis May 7, 2010 at 9:20 am

[re=572239]slavojzizek[/re]: Hey! You forgot my man Pedro Espada!

freakishlystrong May 7, 2010 at 9:22 am

Isn’t fat, sassy, and cocky the Republican default setting?

yargisbargis May 7, 2010 at 9:22 am

OH and Bruce Willis makes my skin crawl. He’d be an excellent Senate Majority Leader.

DiscoUkulele May 7, 2010 at 9:25 am

There’s been an awful lot of cock talk on Wonkette this week. I’m gonna need some more Virginia Slims.

El Pinche May 7, 2010 at 9:34 am

[re=572248]DiscoUkulele[/re]: Cock of the mornin to ya!

ManchuCandidate May 7, 2010 at 9:37 am

[re=572235]the problem child[/re]:
Even PM Hefty Harper (who loves moneybags as much as anyone) didn’t want to go near his former benefactor Black.

Who knew that schadenfreude tasted so good?

queeraselvis v 2.0 May 7, 2010 at 9:40 am

Can we add “douchey” to Mike Pence’s list? Because of truth, is all.

slithytoves May 7, 2010 at 9:49 am

And in other NYS dysfunctional news, I am furloughed in 3, 2, 1…

queeraselvis v 2.0 May 7, 2010 at 9:51 am

Josh, YOU LIE re: your alt-text. Bruce Willis has never been handsome. Ever. Also.

slithytoves May 7, 2010 at 9:52 am

[re=572263]slithytoves[/re]: Or dysfunctional NYS news. Where’s the modifier, moran?

norbizness May 7, 2010 at 10:30 am

“Bruce Willis’ version of ‘Respect Yourself’ is obviously one billion times better than the Staple Singers’ original.” — Mike Pence

Mr Blifil May 7, 2010 at 10:48 am

In the UK “cunt” can be regarded as a rakish term of endearment, along the lines of our ineffable “dude” or “old scalawag.” Whereas “shag” is considered so degrading, obscene, and vile that Mike Myers had trouble releasing his Austin Powers movies for fear of ending up at the “Old Bailey” (where he might be thrown in ye stocks and have bread thrown at him, a devilishly sarcastic means of illustrating a person’s fall to society’s lowest strata).

By my calculations, therefore, I believe that Mike Pence qualifies as “shaggy.” He’s also a cunt. The stinky kind.

m_supercomputer May 7, 2010 at 11:14 am

I thought for sure you were making one of your funny Wonkette jokes when you included the word “sassy,” but I guess not. Ohh, Republicans.

V572625694 May 7, 2010 at 11:29 am

Two individuals who are hopeful that the Supremes will overturn the “honest services” statute are the two-sevenths of the San Diego city council charged under this statute because they were (literally!) taking blowjobs and lapdances from girls (so far as we know) employed by a strip club owner who wanted to overturn the ordinance against lapdances. Free Michael Zucchet and Ralph Inzunza! Never fergit! And Duke Cunningham too–these upstanding leaders are political prisoners, except Zucchet who beat the rap on appeal and is now head of the public employees’ union.

Sorry for the local blather, but it’s pretty funny, in a sad way. Plus: Roger Hedgecock! (the poor man’s Rush Limbaugh)

JoeMac May 7, 2010 at 11:51 am

As a life long New Yorker, I can say that I am truly enjoying the fact that Bruno is going to prison. Where my hope is he will be introduced to cock, lots of cocks for fucking up the state for so long.

As for Mike Pence, he is a cock, a tiny little rat cock.

gossipgirl May 7, 2010 at 12:17 pm

Yeah, NYS politics is a complete shitshow….where else in the world could you have a cast of characters that includes: Bruno, Silver, Montserrate, Paterson, Pedro Espada, Ruben Diaz…et al. It would be a black comedy if it wasn’t my home state. Though I now live in Chicago, so obviously I like comical.

GOPCrusher May 7, 2010 at 12:53 pm

I will give Mike Pence credit for probably being the only Republiklan/Teabagger in the United States to recognize the slow motion train wreck they have been for the last year and a half. Fat, sassy, and cocky is the last thing he wanted to say, but telling the rest of the party to quit acting like a bunch of racist retards would have probably resulted in a harshly worded letter asking for any RNC funds returned.

Extemporanus May 7, 2010 at 2:00 pm

[re=572242]DoktorZoom[/re]: Said the man whose name is a euphemism for self-gratification…

MsQuasimodo May 12, 2010 at 2:20 am

[re=572248]DiscoUkulele[/re]: Needs moar lady bits talk. Vulvas! Look! Over there! (made you look, ha!)

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