What a saucy idea!How’s the polling going over on the crime-ridden alcoholic colony known as the British Isles? Not too good! Here are some actual news reports from Queen Elizabeth’s version of CNN, “the Beeb,” about how nature/fate is treating the various sods running for election today:

  • Labour candidate Joe Benton “had the tip of his finger bitten off by what he claims was a pitbull terrier type dog while campaigning in his constituency.” Several chavs were arrested by bobbies.
  • British National Party anti-brown-people wingnut Nick Griffin Bob Bailey attacked a bunch of what the British call “Asians,” which usually means “Pakistani guys.” But first, they cussed him out and threw fruit at BNP’s leader, Nick Griffin. We think. This is very confusing! So confusing that we will link to The Sun‘s version of events.
  • UK Independence Party wingnut leader Nigel Farage planned to harass voters in Northamptonshire by aeroplane, which would also be dragging a banner for his wingnut party. Instead, the plane immediately crashed. Farage is alive, and the innocent pilot is said to be recovering in hospital.
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  1. [re=571739]trondant[/re]: It’s not an election until someone crashes a banner dragging aEROplane into a cricket match and the pilot and candidate are beaten with parts of the wreckage by Pakistanis wearing whites. Oh, um, while being barked at by a pit bull, I suppose.

  2. The Guardian is reporting that due to the high turnout, there’s a THREE MINUTE WAIT at some polling stations.

    Note for ‘merkins: They’re only voting for one or two things and it involves scrawling an X next to a name in crayon, which makes the voting process a whole lot quicker than in the US, with your 16 ballot initiatives and tiny little circles to shade in.

  3. If only our wingnut leaders had names like “Nigel Farage.” So much cooler than “Glenn Beck” or “Joe Lieberman.”

  4. An aeroplane dragging a banner? Sounds like the UKIP’s response to Web 2.0.

    BTW – Unfortunately, it wasn’t Nick Griffin himself who got pounded, but a local candidate. Griffin got the fruit.

  5. [re=571747]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: I have never in my life spent more than 10 minutes at a voting station. That’s including finding a parking spot and saying hello to neighbours. The most bothersome is when the provincial elections started to be held at the same time as the municipals, so now two xs to be marked.

  6. “…Nigel Farage planned to harass voters in Northamptonshire by aeroplane, which would also be dragging a banner for his wingnut party.”

    Fookin’ brits. Don’t they know that modern political systems only use blimps?

  7. Labour candidates are notorious pussies and liars. His boy friend probably bit it off when they were on vacation in Wales.

  8. [re=571747]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: Don’t forget the extra time required to write in “Lizard People” on every available write-in candidate line on the ballot.

  9. The bitten Labour candidate is running in Bootle on Merseyside, which has just become my favorite town name ever.

    It would be nice to see Tancredo, Duncan Hunter, Limbaugh et al. get the Griffin treatment from a group of angry Mexicans.

  10. [re=571747]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: That’s why we fought a revolution — so we could vote on everything. And then have the Supreme Court decide the winner.

  11. [re=571753]GayInMaine[/re]: before you go, you should know it’s pronounced “uppernorginshill.” the locals are very particular about that.

  12. [re=571747]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: The Brits should start electing there judges so they can have ballots pages and pages long, where almost none of the voters have any idea who the candidates are so the winner comes down to who gets listed first or has an interesting name. Then they’ll have true democracy!

    They really do try to make voting a tedious, pain-in-the-ass process here. Well at least they don’t have initiatives in these parts; we have a thing called the legislature that makes the laws.

  13. Also, according to the Beeb: “Polling station staff cannot refuse a voter simply because they are drunk or under the influence of drugs. However, if the presiding officer suspects you are incapable of voting you will be asked a series of questions to determine whether you are up to the task of casting your ballot. If the voter cannot answer satisfactorily they will be told to come back when they’ve sobered up.”

  14. [re=571774]I Heart Accuracy[/re]: No, America — our crazy, old out-of-touch reactionary absolute leaders wear robes but not turbans.

  15. Also the irony in the BNP racist bastards’s quote is delicious:

    “campaign of hatred and dehumanisation against any group of people, in this case us”.

  16. “The pilot had sent out a May Day signal and it basically crash dived. It’s all a bit of a shock, especially on polling day.”

    Silly pilot! May Day was, like, so five days ago.

  17. Some years ago I asked at the train station (in London) how to get to Horely. The woman said “Horely?” and my brother responded, “Yeah Horely, you know like a whore that’s doing poorly”. I still think its funny, I dunno why.

  18. Ken: I believe Bob Bailey, a BNP candidate, got in the fight but was not a victim of the fruiting. But I dunno. All white British people look alike to me.

  19. I cannot figure out what the fuck happened with the BNP guys and the “Asians.” I have been reduced to linking The Sun for clarification.

  20. [re=571760]Tommmcatt[/re]: a chav is a Brit species of white urban thug prone to gold chains, fake Burberry and mangled speech (see chav spotting or, etc for more). And yes, quite tasty.

  21. [re=571870]Ken Layne[/re]: A fight broke out between a British National Party parliamentary candidate and some Asian men as party members were out campaigning in east London.

    Some men earlier swore at leader Nick Griffin and threw fruit at him and he was taken away from the scene.

    The candidate for Romford, Bob Bailey, was filmed shouting out to men in Ripple Road when one of them swore and spat at him and Mr Bailey punched him.

    To misquote Jake Blues: “Ipswich Nazis. I HATE Ipswich Nazis.”

  22. Other highlights for Americans who are more interested in amusing constituency names than election results:

    Chipping Barnet
    Penistone & Stocksbridge
    Dwyfor Meirionnydd
    Na h-Eileanan an Iar

  23. The antics surrounding UK politics seem so quaint compared to the the nastiness of the US. I think people there may be smarter than letting Rupert Murdoch scare them into voting for Cameron.

  24. So it’s Thatcher again, init?
    I mean, come on. Every single man in the UK call phone sex operators wanting to be dressed like a girlie and done with a strap on. It’s in the Bible or the WikiPedia or summat.

  25. The funnest bit is when the returns come in and a BBC Voiced commentator gives helpful information in the background. While the dood on the stage is reading out the names and amount of votes BBC Voice follows with “Tory” or “Labor” or whatever, then as the dood gets down the list you hear the serious BBC fellow saying things like “Monster Raving Loony Party” or “I like fish and chips and cheese party” or “cabbages make you fart party” (okay I made that last one up). It is great entertainment.

  26. Breaking down all MPs for their body parts and selling them on eBay would only make a small dent in the UK debt, but it’s a start. Well, at least the House of Lords.

  27. Forget all that, Lillian’s about to shag Matt’s half-brother whilst Matt’s still in the nick. It’s total madness on knifecrime island.

  28. Yeah, but brits have a constituency called Tooting, and we can’t top that. I’m bummed sexy Nick Clegg isn’t doing better. One of my young English friends complained about how the House doesn’t actually reflect the vote because of their screwy system, but I’ll just do what I do when they piss and moan about taxes. To the latter, I say, “Want to talk about what we pay for health care over here?” and that shuts them up.

    If she gets whiny about the vote over there, I’ll give her a brief outline of the electoral college and the history of it along with a wiki link to the full explanation. And Bill Wyman, the old Rolling Stone (that’s redundant) is a Tory. WTF?

  29. [re=572193]DustBowlBlues[/re]: re: Bill Wyman– I’ve found that the original sixties folks have turned all what’s-in-in-for-me ? and get-those-damn-kids-off-my-lawn and, most importantly, “I’ve got mine, fuck you = no more medicare etc., for anyone older than 65″….. I voice your complaint: WTF?

    Altho, she (your Brit friend) should respond with: “Well, you all get high school, college education w/o having to pass (whatever the hell it is they have to take tests), and we do.” Which would normally suck, but, considering the state of most of our elem. & high school programs, especially in the South, where oh, my, I think, um, 45-50% of our elem. grads can’t read or write at 2nd grade level?—I’d have to give her a bye. Seriously.

    I’m planning on retiring to Canada or Ireland…. :-)

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