britain's got talent

Sullen British Staggering To Voting Pubs Right Now

Britain's Got Cocks!Why do we care at all about the UK election taking place today? Aren’t the British to blame for our whole Tea Party problem? And didn’t those curry-spewing lobsterbacks burn down the White House that one time? Well, today we will let bygones be bygones, because the UK elections are really the only foreign politics we can cover without running everything through Google Translate. Plus, as a result of the US/UK “special relationship,” more than 90% of journalists in Washington and New York are British people. They “set the agenda,” which is the “posh spice” way of saying “Win the Morning.”

Due to the quaint customs of Merry Olde England, Stabby Olde Scotland, Weird Olde Wales and Troubled Olde Northern Ireland, vote counts will not be revealed until Friday — a full night after polling ends! The reason is as obvious as it is odious: British men are required to do their voting in “public houses,” with their party choice represented by the highest stack of emptied pint glasses. It takes a terribly long time to translate the piles of broken glass, Tesco ready-meal cartons and very occasional intact pint vessel into something resembling a local-vote tally. (British women, of course, “vote” by counting the number of cigarettes smoked whilst queuing up for their Election Day abortions.)

But who will win? The latest polls suggest David Cameron (pictured) will lead his conservative Tory party to a weak victory, with gloomy basset hound Gordon Brown’s Labour holding onto second place and the mysterious “Lib Dems” making a strong-yet-still-third-place showing thanks to an inspiring performance of “I Dreamed a Dream” by fresh-faced newcomer Nick Clegg during Britain’s first-ever television broadcast.

Until Clegg captivated the UK with whatever he did — basically, he was “not as creepy as Cameron” and “looked better than that sack of glum porridge standing in for Gordon Brown” — there was much talk about how substantial this election would be, what with the terrible debt and the collapsed banks. But, ultimately, it all came down to meaningless Debate Performance, and it looks like the Liberal Democrats will only prevent Labour from winning either a parliamentary majority or the leadership.

That’s kind of sad. Even the Economist admits Labour has had a very good run and dramatically changed the UK in important, positive ways. But nobody remembers, because people are dumb. And drunk, so very drunk.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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52 comments

  1. norbizness

    Why can’t they settle this with an Upper Class Twit of the Year (pronounced Yarrrrr) competition?

  2. Limeylizzie

    I voted by proxy, which is really crazy you just call a pal and have them say you are really who you are and they get up , knock back a pint and go and vote in your name.

  3. weejee

    × conservative Torie candidate likes cocks – check
    × librual Labour candidate is a pensive sack of shit (haz a sad) – check
    × wonkie Lib Dem is sexytime for all – check
    × voter response is to pub crawl until no one is standing – check

    The UK will vote to become the new Czech Check Republic

  4. JMP

    People also don’t remember the good Labour has done because of how Blair turned British foreign policy into whatever George Bush told him, which isn’t Brown’s fault but did soil the party a bit.

    It’s too bad the PM will be some pasty middle-aged white bloke; it would be nice to have someone nice to look at as a world leader. I’d nominate “Crystal” from the Windows 7 ads.

  5. Jim Demintia

    Of course ‘the Economist’ loves New Labour–it is Britain’s “Third Way” party, Thatcherism with a slightly more human seeming (cause we’re talking about Blair here, after all) face.

  6. alzronnie

    The PM election is much like the Westminster Dog Show except that the winner is always a poodle.

  7. qwerty42

    I thought they were ruled by the “Lord Sea & Air Warden of the Cinque Sublime Portes and Admiralty” and the requirement was they sit on a bale of wool or cotton or barrel of wine with drowned bodies in it wearing a beefeater costume with a black handkerchief over their tricorn hat and scream “God Save the King” and “Rule Britannia” and “Bloody” and “Articles of War” a lot. And drink pints of mead or port. Has this changed? Did the Irish or Scots have anything to do with it? Why am I the last to find out these things?

  8. jimmynail

    You fancy yanks with your penile voting machines, hanging chads and whatnot. I just voted using a piece of toilet paper and a pencil on a string. And now I’m going to drink beer until I pass out mumbling imprecations about my country full of fucktards.

  9. Hello Sunshine

    You can mock, Ken, but British elections always take place on Thursdays because in The Olden Days people got paid on Fridays and the powers that be assumed that having received their wages the working classes would immediately rush to the pub and get too drunk to vote responsibly.

    Highlight of today so far is the former leader of right-wing crazies the UK Independence Party
    crashing a plane while attempting to fly around the skies above Buckinghamshire towing a huge “VOTE UKIP” banner, apparently proving that life has stopped imitating art and started imitating Deperate Housewives.

  10. WadISay

    I am surprised the Repubs, in our healthcare “debate”*, never held up English orthidonture as an example of what can happen with socialized medicine.

    *read, lying contest

  11. ella

    Can anyone explain what, exactly, the House of Lords is for, other than rubber stamping legistlation passed by the Commons? What’s the point?

  12. crapshooter102

    What the hell happened to the Communists? Are the Eton Boys too busy buggering each other to care?

  13. Norbert

    Most people know about the bad teeth and the alcoholism, but did you know about another thing they do in Britain? viz., drive around in unmarked vans with fancy spy equipment to detect whether you have an UNLICENSED TELEVISION lurking in your pebble-dash dark-satanic-mills-style row home? It’s true, and I, Norbert, was a victim of this sinister practice! There is probably still a cold case file in the archives of a certain city council which shall remain unnamed. The point is: this is socialist Europhile Nobama’s wet Kenyan dream, to take away our shows. Remote…cold dead hands…etc…

  14. McDuff

    [re=571459]Hello Sunshine[/re]: “The plane, carrying two people, crashed at Hinton-in-the-Hedges Airfield at Steane, near Brackley, at 0759 BST.”

    Those silly English — building an airport inside a hedge!

  15. Hello Sunshine

    [re=571468]ella[/re]: It’s a reasonably priced storage solution for braindead olds.

  16. the problem child

    [re=571468]ella[/re]: Well, their highest court (and that for a number of other countries) is composed of the Law Lords aka the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council for the foreigns.

    Oh, and they sometimes help fill cabinet posts, if there aren’t enough incompetents in the House.

  17. TGY

    [re=571468]ella[/re]: “When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte, as every child can tell, the House of Peers (Lords), throughout the war, did nothing in particular and did it very well.” Gilbert and Sullivan, “Iolanthe”

  18. thefrontpage

    Interestingly, David Cameron is prominently featured as a character in “The Jesus Secret,” and, in one chapter, he explains England’s elections laws and how they were derived from teachings in the Bible. This is all clearly explained in “The Jesus Secret,” which is largely set in London.

  19. thehelveticascenario

    [re=571462]WadISay[/re]: Heard this at a Health Care town meeting, once.

  20. Cape Clod

    [re=571481]qwerty42[/re]: I believe that, in England, they are called “the Lizard Persons.” Otherwise known as “the House of Lords.”

  21. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=571466]jimmynail[/re]: The most beautiful things in that article are the fact that there is an actual place named “Barking” and that the police force there is known as “The Barking Community Safety Unit.”

    And ’tis beauty enough. Thanks for the link.

  22. user-of-owls

    [re=571517]Cape Clod[/re]: In England, maybe, but definitely not in No. Ireland. Thanks to that bloody papist St. Patrick, it is impossible to vote for Lizards of any sort, as they followed their legless serpent brethren in the great banishment.

  23. pub_option

    [re=571462]WadISay[/re]: Thatcher gutted the socialistic dental care system, so the last twenty years of bad teeth show the failings of privatized care.

  24. donner_froh

    [re=571466]jimmynail[/re]: What a perfect headline. Of course anything that happens in Barking has to be funny.

  25. lawrenceofthedesert

    Basic political difference between UK and US — when system is highly stressed, UK falls back on conservative party to re-establish stability; US tends to elect liberal Dems to effect change. Italians go for candidate with the nicest car.

  26. ella

    [re=571480]the problem child[/re]: Thank you! They’re not exactly overworked then.

    @TGY – I guess they’re still doing that.

  27. Canuck13652

    [re=571468]ella[/re]: House of sober second thought. And by sober, I mean “I say, old chap, make me three pints of pimms at the club before I head over to vote, what?”

  28. Oblios Cap

    Didn’t need no welfare state. Everybody pulled their weight.
    Mister, we could use a man like Harold Saxon again.

    And don’t forget the Toclofane!

  29. Darkness

    [re=571470]Norbert[/re]: That won’t work anymore with LCD tellies, me thinks. It only worked before because CRTs (Cathode Ray Tubes) had a big fat spinning magnet throwing a UFO’s worth of electromagnetic radiation everywhere.

  30. Darkness

    [re=571586]Canuck13652[/re]: Speaking of Pimms . . . if someone offered me strawberries and cream after voting I’d vote four or five times per election. As it is, I currently only bother to vote once.

  31. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    burn down the White House that one time?

    They turned it into a Black House JUST LIKE OBAMA!!!1!

  32. jimmynail

    Barking is no laughing matter! Billy Bragg was born there. Show some fuckin’ respect. Also, because it’s basically our Detroit, itr’s being heavily targeted by the BNP, one of those quaint little neo-nazi parties which we Olde Europeans specialize in.

    Also this, which is beautiful largely because UKIP are our main furriner-hatin’ fringe party, and love to invoke the Battle of Britain, all the bleeding time:

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2010/may/06/ukip-nigel-farage-plane-crash

  33. keepinitrealyo

    [re=571589]Oblios Cap[/re]: On top of the obscurity of the Dr Who reference, All In The Family is based on a British sitcom! I had to look up Oblio, but it only confirmed what I already knew.

    Sometimes the Wonkette comments section is better than the NY Times crossword.

  34. zhubajie

    [re=571642]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Maybe mobs will soon burn the Capitol, like in Greece?

Comments are closed.