Why do we care at all about the UK election taking place today? Aren’t the British to blame for our whole Tea Party problem? And didn’t those curry-spewing lobsterbacks burn down the White House that one time? Well, today we will let bygones be bygones, because the UK elections are really the only foreign politics we can cover without running everything through Google Translate. Plus, as a result of the US/UK “special relationship,” more than 90% of journalists in Washington and New York are British people. They “set the agenda,” which is the “posh spice” way of saying “Win the Morning.”
Due to the quaint customs of Merry Olde England, Stabby Olde Scotland, Weird Olde Wales and Troubled Olde Northern Ireland, vote counts will not be revealed until Friday — a full night after polling ends! The reason is as obvious as it is odious: British men are required to do their voting in “public houses,” with their party choice represented by the highest stack of emptied pint glasses. It takes a terribly long time to translate the piles of broken glass, Tesco ready-meal cartons and very occasional intact pint vessel into something resembling a local-vote tally. (British women, of course, “vote” by counting the number of cigarettes smoked whilst queuing up for their Election Day abortions.)
But who will win? The latest polls suggest David Cameron (pictured) will lead his conservative Tory party to a weak victory, with gloomy basset hound Gordon Brown’s Labour holding onto second place and the mysterious “Lib Dems” making a strong-yet-still-third-place showing thanks to an inspiring performance of “I Dreamed a Dream” by fresh-faced newcomer Nick Clegg during Britain’s first-ever television broadcast.
Until Clegg captivated the UK with whatever he did — basically, he was “not as creepy as Cameron” and “looked better than that sack of glum porridge standing in for Gordon Brown” — there was much talk about how substantial this election would be, what with the terrible debt and the collapsed banks. But, ultimately, it all came down to meaningless Debate Performance, and it looks like the Liberal Democrats will only prevent Labour from winning either a parliamentary majority or the leadership.
That’s kind of sad. Even the Economist admits Labour has had a very good run and dramatically changed the UK in important, positive ways. But nobody remembers, because people are dumb. And drunk, so very drunk.