BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT  9:17 am May 6, 2010

Sullen British Staggering To Voting Pubs Right Now

by Ken Layne

Britain's Got Cocks!Why do we care at all about the UK election taking place today? Aren’t the British to blame for our whole Tea Party problem? And didn’t those curry-spewing lobsterbacks burn down the White House that one time? Well, today we will let bygones be bygones, because the UK elections are really the only foreign politics we can cover without running everything through Google Translate. Plus, as a result of the US/UK “special relationship,” more than 90% of journalists in Washington and New York are British people. They “set the agenda,” which is the “posh spice” way of saying “Win the Morning.”

Due to the quaint customs of Merry Olde England, Stabby Olde Scotland, Weird Olde Wales and Troubled Olde Northern Ireland, vote counts will not be revealed until Friday — a full night after polling ends! The reason is as obvious as it is odious: British men are required to do their voting in “public houses,” with their party choice represented by the highest stack of emptied pint glasses. It takes a terribly long time to translate the piles of broken glass, Tesco ready-meal cartons and very occasional intact pint vessel into something resembling a local-vote tally. (British women, of course, “vote” by counting the number of cigarettes smoked whilst queuing up for their Election Day abortions.)

But who will win? The latest polls suggest David Cameron (pictured) will lead his conservative Tory party to a weak victory, with gloomy basset hound Gordon Brown’s Labour holding onto second place and the mysterious “Lib Dems” making a strong-yet-still-third-place showing thanks to an inspiring performance of “I Dreamed a Dream” by fresh-faced newcomer Nick Clegg during Britain’s first-ever television broadcast.

Until Clegg captivated the UK with whatever he did — basically, he was “not as creepy as Cameron” and “looked better than that sack of glum porridge standing in for Gordon Brown” — there was much talk about how substantial this election would be, what with the terrible debt and the collapsed banks. But, ultimately, it all came down to meaningless Debate Performance, and it looks like the Liberal Democrats will only prevent Labour from winning either a parliamentary majority or the leadership.

That’s kind of sad. Even the Economist admits Labour has had a very good run and dramatically changed the UK in important, positive ways. But nobody remembers, because people are dumb. And drunk, so very drunk.


Hola wonkerados.

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norbizness May 6, 2010 at 9:27 am

Why can’t they settle this with an Upper Class Twit of the Year (pronounced Yarrrrr) competition?

libwakman May 6, 2010 at 9:30 am

And any/all of this matters to whom/why?

Limeylizzie May 6, 2010 at 9:34 am

I voted by proxy, which is really crazy you just call a pal and have them say you are really who you are and they get up , knock back a pint and go and vote in your name.

weejee May 6, 2010 at 9:37 am

× conservative Torie candidate likes cocks – check
× librual Labour candidate is a pensive sack of shit (haz a sad) – check
× wonkie Lib Dem is sexytime for all – check
× voter response is to pub crawl until no one is standing – check

The UK will vote to become the new Czech Check Republic

JMP May 6, 2010 at 9:38 am

People also don’t remember the good Labour has done because of how Blair turned British foreign policy into whatever George Bush told him, which isn’t Brown’s fault but did soil the party a bit.

It’s too bad the PM will be some pasty middle-aged white bloke; it would be nice to have someone nice to look at as a world leader. I’d nominate “Crystal” from the Windows 7 ads.

doxastic May 6, 2010 at 9:39 am

Stupid people: Key swing voters in all democracies everywhere always.

Jim Demintia May 6, 2010 at 9:41 am

Of course ‘the Economist’ loves New Labour–it is Britain’s “Third Way” party, Thatcherism with a slightly more human seeming (cause we’re talking about Blair here, after all) face.

Jim Demintia May 6, 2010 at 9:46 am

[re=571437]Jim Demintia[/re]: Correction: Bliar.

V572625694 May 6, 2010 at 9:47 am

zzzzzzzzzzzz….How’d I wind up at

ForTheTurnstiles May 6, 2010 at 9:54 am

Dave’s been smiling lately, thinkin’ about his wife’s cold bum…

alzronnie May 6, 2010 at 9:54 am

The PM election is much like the Westminster Dog Show except that the winner is always a poodle.

qwerty42 May 6, 2010 at 9:55 am

I thought they were ruled by the “Lord Sea & Air Warden of the Cinque Sublime Portes and Admiralty” and the requirement was they sit on a bale of wool or cotton or barrel of wine with drowned bodies in it wearing a beefeater costume with a black handkerchief over their tricorn hat and scream “God Save the King” and “Rule Britannia” and “Bloody” and “Articles of War” a lot. And drink pints of mead or port. Has this changed? Did the Irish or Scots have anything to do with it? Why am I the last to find out these things?

magic titty May 6, 2010 at 9:56 am

Maybe the Arctic Monkeys will win, via write-in vote?

jimmynail May 6, 2010 at 10:04 am

You fancy yanks with your penile voting machines, hanging chads and whatnot. I just voted using a piece of toilet paper and a pencil on a string. And now I’m going to drink beer until I pass out mumbling imprecations about my country full of fucktards.

Hello Sunshine May 6, 2010 at 10:09 am

You can mock, Ken, but British elections always take place on Thursdays because in The Olden Days people got paid on Fridays and the powers that be assumed that having received their wages the working classes would immediately rush to the pub and get too drunk to vote responsibly.

Highlight of today so far is the former leader of right-wing crazies the UK Independence Party
crashing a plane while attempting to fly around the skies above Buckinghamshire towing a huge “VOTE UKIP” banner, apparently proving that life has stopped imitating art and started imitating Deperate Housewives.

obfuscator May 6, 2010 at 10:09 am

karl pilkington for pm! he’s got a head like a fucking orange!

Sarah Palin ( May 6, 2010 at 10:10 am

I can see Britain from my house!


WadISay May 6, 2010 at 10:11 am

I am surprised the Repubs, in our healthcare “debate”*, never held up English orthidonture as an example of what can happen with socialized medicine.

*read, lying contest

Joshua Norton May 6, 2010 at 10:15 am

I heard Disraeli was running again.

jimmynail May 6, 2010 at 10:16 am
ella May 6, 2010 at 10:17 am

Can anyone explain what, exactly, the House of Lords is for, other than rubber stamping legistlation passed by the Commons? What’s the point?

crapshooter102 May 6, 2010 at 10:18 am

What the hell happened to the Communists? Are the Eton Boys too busy buggering each other to care?

Norbert May 6, 2010 at 10:18 am

Most people know about the bad teeth and the alcoholism, but did you know about another thing they do in Britain? viz., drive around in unmarked vans with fancy spy equipment to detect whether you have an UNLICENSED TELEVISION lurking in your pebble-dash dark-satanic-mills-style row home? It’s true, and I, Norbert, was a victim of this sinister practice! There is probably still a cold case file in the archives of a certain city council which shall remain unnamed. The point is: this is socialist Europhile Nobama’s wet Kenyan dream, to take away our shows. Remote…cold dead hands…etc…

McDuff May 6, 2010 at 10:18 am

[re=571459]Hello Sunshine[/re]: “The plane, carrying two people, crashed at Hinton-in-the-Hedges Airfield at Steane, near Brackley, at 0759 BST.”

Those silly English — building an airport inside a hedge!

TGY May 6, 2010 at 10:22 am

England expects every man to duty his do. Indeed, today we are all blood puddings.

JMP May 6, 2010 at 10:23 am

[re=571468]ella[/re]: To make the anachronisms feel special.

queeraselvis v 2.0 May 6, 2010 at 10:25 am

The photo spread at is the Kew Gardens of Satire. And I can’t believe y’all missed the Most Important News coming out of Britain: Woman’s vagina devours Donny Osmond poster.

Hello Sunshine May 6, 2010 at 10:26 am

[re=571468]ella[/re]: It’s a reasonably priced storage solution for braindead olds.

the problem child May 6, 2010 at 10:29 am

[re=571468]ella[/re]: Well, their highest court (and that for a number of other countries) is composed of the Law Lords aka the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council for the foreigns.

Oh, and they sometimes help fill cabinet posts, if there aren’t enough incompetents in the House.

qwerty42 May 6, 2010 at 10:30 am

[re=571450]magic titty[/re]: Lizard people. They’re everywhere.

TGY May 6, 2010 at 10:30 am

[re=571468]ella[/re]: “When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte, as every child can tell, the House of Peers (Lords), throughout the war, did nothing in particular and did it very well.” Gilbert and Sullivan, “Iolanthe”

SlouchingTowardsWasilla May 6, 2010 at 10:41 am

But wait, how does this affect me?

thefrontpage May 6, 2010 at 10:57 am

Interestingly, David Cameron is prominently featured as a character in “The Jesus Secret,” and, in one chapter, he explains England’s elections laws and how they were derived from teachings in the Bible. This is all clearly explained in “The Jesus Secret,” which is largely set in London.

thehelveticascenario May 6, 2010 at 11:01 am

[re=571462]WadISay[/re]: Heard this at a Health Care town meeting, once.

Cape Clod May 6, 2010 at 11:22 am

[re=571481]qwerty42[/re]: I believe that, in England, they are called “the Lizard Persons.” Otherwise known as “the House of Lords.”

Lascauxcaveman May 6, 2010 at 12:00 pm

[re=571466]jimmynail[/re]: The most beautiful things in that article are the fact that there is an actual place named “Barking” and that the police force there is known as “The Barking Community Safety Unit.”

And ’tis beauty enough. Thanks for the link.

user-of-owls May 6, 2010 at 12:07 pm

[re=571517]Cape Clod[/re]: In England, maybe, but definitely not in No. Ireland. Thanks to that bloody papist St. Patrick, it is impossible to vote for Lizards of any sort, as they followed their legless serpent brethren in the great banishment.

pub_option May 6, 2010 at 12:10 pm

[re=571462]WadISay[/re]: Thatcher gutted the socialistic dental care system, so the last twenty years of bad teeth show the failings of privatized care.

user-of-owls May 6, 2010 at 12:10 pm

[re=571454]jimmynail[/re]: I trust you cast your vote for meaningful change in this time of crisis.

Mr Blifil May 6, 2010 at 12:19 pm

This is the generation currently running England. Bunch of tossers.

donner_froh May 6, 2010 at 12:28 pm

[re=571466]jimmynail[/re]: What a perfect headline. Of course anything that happens in Barking has to be funny.

Min2.0 May 6, 2010 at 12:28 pm

I say let ‘em arm wrestle for control of the country.

lawrenceofthedesert May 6, 2010 at 12:35 pm

Basic political difference between UK and US — when system is highly stressed, UK falls back on conservative party to re-establish stability; US tends to elect liberal Dems to effect change. Italians go for candidate with the nicest car.

ella May 6, 2010 at 12:35 pm

[re=571480]the problem child[/re]: Thank you! They’re not exactly overworked then.

@TGY – I guess they’re still doing that.

Canuck13652 May 6, 2010 at 12:56 pm

[re=571468]ella[/re]: House of sober second thought. And by sober, I mean “I say, old chap, make me three pints of pimms at the club before I head over to vote, what?”

Oblios Cap May 6, 2010 at 12:58 pm

Didn’t need no welfare state. Everybody pulled their weight.
Mister, we could use a man like Harold Saxon again.

And don’t forget the Toclofane!

Darkness May 6, 2010 at 1:00 pm

[re=571470]Norbert[/re]: That won’t work anymore with LCD tellies, me thinks. It only worked before because CRTs (Cathode Ray Tubes) had a big fat spinning magnet throwing a UFO’s worth of electromagnetic radiation everywhere.

Darkness May 6, 2010 at 1:02 pm

[re=571586]Canuck13652[/re]: Speaking of Pimms . . . if someone offered me strawberries and cream after voting I’d vote four or five times per election. As it is, I currently only bother to vote once.

Naked Bunny with a Whip May 6, 2010 at 1:31 pm

burn down the White House that one time?

They turned it into a Black House JUST LIKE OBAMA!!!1!

jimmynail May 6, 2010 at 1:55 pm

Barking is no laughing matter! Billy Bragg was born there. Show some fuckin’ respect. Also, because it’s basically our Detroit, itr’s being heavily targeted by the BNP, one of those quaint little neo-nazi parties which we Olde Europeans specialize in.

Also this, which is beautiful largely because UKIP are our main furriner-hatin’ fringe party, and love to invoke the Battle of Britain, all the bleeding time:

keepinitrealyo May 6, 2010 at 3:24 pm

[re=571589]Oblios Cap[/re]: On top of the obscurity of the Dr Who reference, All In The Family is based on a British sitcom! I had to look up Oblio, but it only confirmed what I already knew.

Sometimes the Wonkette comments section is better than the NY Times crossword.

zhubajie May 6, 2010 at 8:42 pm

[re=571642]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Maybe mobs will soon burn the Capitol, like in Greece?

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