america's greatest magazine

Kaplan College-Test Company Selling Loser Newsweek Magazine

Where else are you going to find dumb bullshit like this, on the Internet?
Famous college-testing company Kaplan is now racing to get rid of all its loser “print journalism” properties, with forgotten newsweekly Newsweek now officially being handed to some broker who will put it out of its misery. (Kaplan also owns the Washington Post, the struggling youth-blogging consortium and holding pen for insane old neo-cons.) But Newsweek is an important media brand, right?

As newspapers and magazines continue to fold in our “New Economy With No Room For Newspapers and Magazines,” we are all expected to mourn — literally mourn — every doomed editorial title. Why? Because the news is written by people with a vested interest in keeping newspapers and magazines afloat, of course! This is why there were about a dozen actual reported articles on the massive immigration protests in every big American city last Saturday, and approximately 5,000 articles about the closure of the food magazine Gourmet.

Where will America learn about Hollyweird gals showing their hoo-hahs?The whole concept of the American Newsweekly is dated and unnecessary, because anyone who vaguely gives a shit about anything has already heard all the dumb national news and the one international story allowed each week and the pointless retread of whatever pop-culture or sports thing and the already-discredited New Study Proves It linking blueberries to obesity and handjobs to breast cancer, etc. There is No Point to getting an even more dumbed-down version in a flimsy glossy magazine barely held together with a couple of allergy and erectile-dysfunction ads.

But what do media-watchers have to say about the shocking/utterly expected news that Kaplan/WaPo is getting rid of the money-bleeding weekly? Here you go: “Why Not Combine Newsweek With Slate?”

Sure, why not? Just dump all of America’s rote contrarian topical essays — “People think dogs are good pets, but they’re actually the worst things alive,” etc. — at one URL the rest of us can safely ignore, forever.

OH BUT WAIT, Newsweek editor Jon Meacham wants to buy it himself! We can say with some personal experience that this is the guaranteed route to incredible wealth. [Guardian/The Awl]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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33 comments

  1. mustardman

    Get your facts straight Wonkette. Blowjobs PREVENT breast cancer. Got it! Good!

  2. ManchuCandidate

    How can you lose money with tax cuts, low capital gains taxes, small gubbiment and bidniz accumen from the finest MBA skules?

    I was led to believe that a pot o’gold and all the rentboys you needed to carry your package awaited for anyone who parroted RW bullshit and trial balloons.

  3. x111e7thst

    OT. GOP about to go online with ‘Commitment to America’. And the are going to be opening this thing up so everyone can submit their ideas.

  4. donner_froh

    “We can say with some personal experience that this is the guaranteed route to incredible wealth.”

    Meacham probably thinks Kaplan will not insist on squeezing every single drop of blood from the editor and new owner of its valuable media property to the extent that Gawker Media does.

  5. Citizen Kang

    [re=570850]mustardman[/re]:

    Does anyone need a cure? I’ve got plenty of cure if anyone wants some. Anyone…?

  6. SayItWithWookies

    As annoying as Slate is, at least their business model is in the right century. Joining with Newsweek would be like hooking up your sloth-drawn cart to a dead sloth. Then again, it’ll be months before anybody notices.

  7. jus_wonderin

    [re=570853]x111e7thst[/re]: “GOP about to go online with ‘Commitment to America’.”

    This is bound to end with a tearful apology as America stands by her “man”, though she should kick “him” to the curb. The GOP/man is most definitely going to play around while America is out shopping or at a PTA meeting.

  8. DemmeFatale

    I wonder if asking: “Is Your Baby a Racist?” had anything to do with it.

  9. TGY

    “We can say with some personal experience that this is the guaranteed route to incredible wealth.”

    Such ice cold sarcasm. Wonderful!

  10. V572625694

    [re=570853]x111e7thst[/re]: Oooh, ooooh, what channel for the Repub Festival of Fail?

  11. V572625694

    “Slate”‘s epic six-part series on which binkie to buy for your baby propelled them to the forefront of on-line “journalism.” A merger w/Newsweek is a logical extension of this strategy. The best thing about newsweeklies is their undying devotion to “trends,” which they define as “three of anything our editors feel like talking about or have been directed by our advertisers to talk about this week.”

  12. Way Cool Larry

    I really just wish the war-crime enabling and apologizing mainstream media would just wither up and die already. Fuck, also.

  13. JMP

    But who will tell us that America is awesome now?

    Ah well, at least we still have Time for useless analysis that’s little more than a summary of the prevailing center-right baby boomer Washington media establishment views with a respectable veneer and glossy shine. And they give us lots of pointless lists too!

  14. Aurelio

    From the Guardian: “The Washington Post’s publisher, which has owned Newsweek since 1961, announced today that it was calling in an investment bank, Allen & Company, to seek a buyer for the magazine.”

    All those asshole reporters and pundits were riding so high while pimping complacent screed about Our Wonderful Political and Economic System. They will now be lucky to get a job at some obscure website. Obscurer than Wonkette, which wouldn’t take them. This is evidence for the existence of God.

  15. disgustedcitizen

    The only thing Newsweak the mag is good for is keeping your mind off the sounds of drills and screams in the dentist’s office.

  16. DemmeFatale

    [re=570879]mustardman[/re]: Or the Snowbilly Grifter one. (Actually, I had some fun defacing that cover.)

  17. trondant

    I’ll address the question head-on: Cheney should run because the demons that come to collect after you’ve sold your soul move like greased hell-hounds on meth.

  18. ArugulaTeleprompterz

    A weekly news magazine wouldn’t be such a bad thing if they actually took that week to provide some thoughtful analysis of topic X. But instead it’s just the same lazy, reactionary, ill-thought bullshit that you can find on any blog (present company excluded, of course). Thus making Newsweek pointless to the extreme. And tree killers, also.

  19. Whatever Blows Your Skirt

    [re=570850]mustardman[/re]: YES!!!! This RIGHT-WING Conspiracy must be stopped, more cancer prevention must be mandated!!!!

    /Rant

    on a lighter note: Prevent Breast Cancer give a BJ today.

  20. WadISay

    If I were Jon Meacham’s neighbor and he asked to “borrow” a cup of sugar, I would want about 100% collateral on it.

    [re=570894]trondant[/re]: Win!

  21. Snarkalicious

    [re=570888]disgustedcitizen[/re]: So you’re saying that adding dental to Nazicombamacare would save print media?

  22. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    But if there was no Newsweek, how would Karl Rove tell me how Barack Obama is destroying America this week?

  23. DP

    “Why Dick Cheney should run in 2012.”

    Hmmm, tough one…because he’d keel over and die in the first 48 hours?

  24. thefrontpage

    It would be awesome if Philip Anshultz bought Newsweek AND The Washington Times.

    It’d be really funny if he named the new entity The Washington Examiner-Times and Newsweek.

  25. thefrontpage

    What if The National Enquirer bought Newsweek and The Washington Times?

    That would be fun, too.

  26. G. Friday

    I remember delivering bar-b-que to Newsweek and seeing Elanor Clift’s office and thinking “Oh, cool.” Now I realize why I was a college graduate working bar-b-que.

Comments are closed.