• May 26, 2012

Apparently Some Jackholes Got Elected Somewhere, Or Nominated We Guess, Who Cares

by Josh Fruhlinger  

Who is this clown?  Ha ha, nobody even knows

  • Remember two years ago when we pored over every single primary’s results — Jesus, we would, like, live-blog returns from gross states that we never even wanted to visit — just to see who was up in the delegate count or how Hillary was doing among white men or whether Obama had the momentum or whatever? Well, it’s not so much fun when nobody’s running for president anymore, is it? Despite this lack of excitement, two — no, wait, three, we guess — states held primaries yesterday for Senate races that will probably turn out to be important somewhere down the line, but really, who can muster up the energy to be interested?

    So in Ohio the Democratic lieutenant governor beat some lady, and now will run against Rob Portman, who was Bush’s budget director and yet still has some kind of political career. In Indiana some boring-ass Republican beat a couple of other losers, and now will run against a Democrat named “Brad” to replace Quitty McLoser Evan Bayh, in a rerun of a race you didn’t care about when the same two guys were running for the House in 2006. And in North Carolina, nobody got more than 40 percent of the vote in the Democratic Senate primary, so everyone will have to vote again, as punishment. Even your pretend boyfriend Nate Silver couldn’t get excited about this crap, so he had one of his minions do all the explaining for you.

  • You know who was inspired by Barack Obama’s election by a majority white country? Black Republicans! There are a a bunch of them running for Congress this year, apparently, and they all claim that Obama showed them the way, even if, as one lady from Arkansas says, “I disagree fundamentally with all his views.” (Really, Arkansas lady? All of his views? Even the ones about how puppies are nice and pie is tasty?) Non-Republican black person Donna Brazile is unimpressed, but they all still dream of being the first black Republican in Congress since J.C. Watts. Did you know that the “J.C.” in J.C. Watts stood for “Julius Caesar”? Pretty rad, right?
  • Speaking of Republicans, Republicans in New York will probably not be able to take advantage of anti-incumbent sentiment and anger at the state’s government stalemate because they’re all incompetent nobodies who hate each other.

{ 33 comments }

bureaucrap May 5, 2010 at 8:32 am

I think that Democrats and Republicans can agree, at least, that Mrs. Lovett’s Meat Pies are tasty.

Lazy Media May 5, 2010 at 8:40 am

The national party is so concerned that Michael Steele, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, traveled to Manhattan recently for an emergency meeting with Mr. Cox.

Oh. Oh, dear, New York Republicans. You are so screwed.

yargisbargis May 5, 2010 at 8:48 am

As New Yorker would like to say am proud PROUD that our legislators make reading the news almost as exciting as watching the Sopranos. What does it say about both parties when the Republicans are considered toast because they associated with dirty Democrats Monserrate and Espada?

red sky May 5, 2010 at 8:52 am

[re=570589]Lazy Media[/re]: New York could be in more trouble than it thinks, Mr. Cox’s son, Christopher Cox, is running for the NY First Congressional district, oh, did I mention he’s RICHARD FREAKING NIXON’S grandson!!!!!!!! We don’t need this level of evil to return to America, isn’t the oil spill and the Times Square bomber bad enough.

Monsieur Grumpe May 5, 2010 at 8:53 am

I would think that someone who had the title Bush’s Budget Director would be so embarrassed that they would have changed their name and moved to some foreign land like Battle Creek MI much less run for public office. Never underestimate the Republican ability to deny reality.

charlesdegoal May 5, 2010 at 8:58 am

Small wonder, then that “More Wander Off in Fog of Age”.

JamesMichaelCurley May 5, 2010 at 9:06 am

“Obama will speak at a Cinco de Mayo (SINK’-oh deh MY’-oh) reception in the Rose Garden in the evening.”

ManchuCandidate May 5, 2010 at 9:06 am

The black GOPers have a very tough road to run. I don’t envy them, but they seem to have Mikey Steele sort of timing/wisdom.

1) The major black GOPer is an incompetent boob who is hated by a scared/pathetic base who can’t separate individuals from a group.
2) Encourage that same scared/pathetic base of mostly white people (except you and that ultra Xtian Asian guy who doesn’t like you) who are upset that a black man is running the nation to vote for you.
3) ?????
4) Win?

coolcatdaddy May 5, 2010 at 9:10 am

The national party is so concerned that Michael Steele, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, traveled to Manhattan recently for an emergency meeting with Mr. Cox.

That’s funny – that guy with Focus on the Family had an emergency meeting with the same person.

Johnny Zhivago May 5, 2010 at 9:12 am

I can’t believe Joe the Plumber wasn’t in that Ohio race.

karen May 5, 2010 at 9:12 am

In our 17th congressional district in ohio the republicans voted for a brainless teabagger to run against Tim Ryan (D). I look forward to the anti-Obama/Pelosi/anything signs and lawn chairs along the road.

Johnny Zhivago May 5, 2010 at 9:15 am

[re=570595]JamesMichaelCurley[/re]: What is Obama doing now? Surrendering Texas back to Mexico? Sending drones to blow up more oil rigs?? Reducing the Time Square bomber’s charges to just illegal parking???

V572625694 May 5, 2010 at 9:28 am

J. C. Watts, Jr (born November 18, 1957) is an American politician and Canadian Football League player from Oklahoma. Watts served in the US House of Representatives from 1995 to 2003 as a Republican, representing the 4th congressional district in south-central Oklahoma.

Ha ha, which would you rather be?

(1) a handsome star running back in Norman Oklahoma with alumni and cheerleaders and sorority girls offering you everything you could ever want so long as you bang out more than 100 yards every Saturday; or

(2) the get-me-a-drink-young-fella congresscritter in the Republican caucus? It’s surprising he lasted that long.

gurukalehuru May 5, 2010 at 9:31 am

Steele/Cox 2012!

germansteel May 5, 2010 at 9:34 am

Anybody else notice how pissed off the Republicans are that that bomb didn’t go off in Times Square? They are counting on something bad like that happening – no, they’re fucking praying to their merciful Jesus for it – to boost their election chances. Good Americans.

ella May 5, 2010 at 9:36 am

If Nixon had gotten his way, Tricia would have married Prince Charles, but in a rare display of functioning brain cells, Charles shuddered and deemed her “plastic.”

JMP May 5, 2010 at 9:36 am

Your average Republican believes that puppies are tasty, so yes they disagree with Pres. Obama there.

I’m just shocked that in our primary, coming in two weeks, Sen. Specter and Rep. Adm. Sestak are just about neck-and-neck; it looked before like the party-switcher had the nomination sown up. Sadly, polls look good now for the sole Republican, the insane wignut Toomey; you’d think our last experience with a psychotic Republican embarrassment would have taught the state a lesson.

x111e7thst May 5, 2010 at 9:37 am

[re=570603]V572625694[/re]: But a Republican Congressman would not be interested in sorority girls or (female) cheerleaders.

nappyduggs May 5, 2010 at 9:47 am

Michael Steele is the David Blaine version of the “magical negro.”

DC Hates Me May 5, 2010 at 9:48 am

Micheal Steele got elected because he loved puppies. Oh right, he wasn’t elected.

yellowerdog May 5, 2010 at 9:54 am

On to South Carolina! YEEHAH!!!!

Pop Socket May 5, 2010 at 9:55 am

[re=570589]Lazy Media[/re]: Which means there must be great lesbian bondage bars in Manhattan.

V572625694 May 5, 2010 at 10:08 am

[re=570610]x111e7thst[/re]: After bullfighting, football is probably the gayest and most overtly homophobic sport there is, amirite? Now J C is a Baptist minister.

norbizness May 5, 2010 at 10:11 am

He’s clearly a budget director, he’s got a folder full of papers with lots of numbers on them.

JMP May 5, 2010 at 10:16 am

[re=570625]V572625694[/re]: You’ve obviously never seen genuine wrestling.

Now, as the only man not to have been a high school wrestler in my family I’ve better hope none of them are reading.

weejee May 5, 2010 at 10:16 am

Nate Silver our pretend boyfriend!!???

Shocking, Josh, just shocking. Obviously you’ve never had statistical buttsechs with quantitative diffusion tensor!!

V572625694 May 5, 2010 at 10:24 am

[re=570633]JMP[/re]: I have seen real wrestling, was made to do it in high school, and I’ve read John Irving books, and yeah, rasslin’s got a good dose of homo-eroticism. But the relative obscurity of the sport means the participants are not shameless fame whores, and what’s gayer than that (not that there’s anything, etc)?

arclight May 5, 2010 at 10:35 am

Apparently my fellow Ohioans totally forgot that Lee Fisher is a wishy-washy wimp and now we’re not going to get Voinovich’s stupid Senate seat in the fall. Jennifer Brunner has kicked total ass as this state’s best Secretary of State for the last 3 years, undoing all of the colossal stupidity Ken “Traitor” Blackwell had instituted in the eight years previous. She would have been part of a no-bullshit tag team of awesomeness with Sen. Sherrod Brown, making Ohio start looking a little more progressive. But noooo, now she gets to be unemployed and we get to watch baldy boring Lee Fisher lose to some douchebag in November.

But like the article says, nobody cares. Sigh.

Scimom May 5, 2010 at 10:56 am

Joe the Plumber was elected in Ohio — to the GOP Committee in Lucas County (Toledo). Here in Southwestern Ohio, a Tea Party candidate crushed three Republican opponents to win the primary for the Ohio House 28th District. Good to know Ohio remains Tea Party central!

Norbert May 5, 2010 at 11:12 am

[re=570652]arclight[/re]: [re=570608]JMP[/re]: I understand oh let’s say Wyoming. Oklahoma. Mississippi. But !Jesus Cristo sobre una chimichanga! if 2010AD Republicans can get elected in PA and OH, well, fucking fuck. That is all.

WindbagCity May 5, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Actually, the boring-ass Republican that won last night beat the loser that Brad beat in 2006, and that boring-ass Republican himself shat his pants and Quit when Quitty McLoser first ran in 1998; and then zzzzzzzz…

Tim May 5, 2010 at 5:32 pm

Who cares about stupid Ohio rednecks? I’m waiting for the results from my MAN Harley in Idaho.

Jukesgrrl May 5, 2010 at 6:20 pm

[re=570591]red sky[/re]: If anyone would like to see some pictures of the young douchebag Congressional candidate Christopher Cox and his Megs McCabe-ish heiress/financee, here’s a HuffPost slideshow of what is quite possibly the Most Republican-Looking Family on the Planet. Richard Nixon would be so proud. His policies, promoted by a gene pool that has had his unfortunate physical attributes removed and replaced by the DNA of blond fogies.

Don’t miss photo #4. It’s a “ready for a campaign poster pix” if I ever saw one.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/09/chris-cox-nixons-grandson_n_532003.html

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