Your Wonkette just went to the Washington Post website to see if it had anything about a supposed Dodd-Shelby financial reform deal. Maybe it does! But this was higher-up and a “must-click”: “Parallels to ’24′: N.Y. police commissioner measures country’s success against Jack Bauer’s fictional heroics on FOX drama.” Ha ha, no he doesn’t though! He made a light joke while congratulating the team. The Washington Post, they are the ones measuring “the country’s success against Jack Bauer’s fictional heroics on Fox drama.” Or something like that? Can anyone tell? It’s a weird article, let’s make fun of it.
In an era when television is often ahead of reality, perhaps it was inevitable that the New York police commissioner measured the country’s success Tuesday in the attempted Times Square bombing against the fictional heroics of Jack Bauer on FOX’s “24.”
At a midday news conference, Ray Kelly praised the actions of law enforcement officials for capturing a suspect in the car bomb case a little more than two days after the incident.
“Now, by my calculation . . . it was 53 hours and 20 minutes,” Kelly said. “Now we know that Jack Bauer can do it in 24 minutes. But in the real world, 53 hours is a — is a pretty good number.”
Kelly meant 24 hours, of course, a reference to the TV series in which Bauer always manages to solve a major terrorist event in a single day. But Kelly’s comparison was clearly meant to draw the comparison between real-life agents and the Hollywood version.
Nope, wrong. Ray Kelly did mean 24 minutes, clearly.
Was there anything else wrong with this, though? Oh right, everything else. Ray Kelly meant no such thing. Ray Kelly was telling a little fun celebratory joke, the type of thing you’d say to your staff during a cake-and-soda-pop office party after a successful endeavor. He was not meaning to draw any comparisons. If anything, he was implicitly mocking stupid people who see any reason to compare a Hollywood television show with actual police and counterterrorism work. Nothing can be gleaned by comparing such things, because there are no two parties to compare, because one does not exist. There is no such thing as a “Hollywood version” of anything. There is, however, this Washington Post article, a “journalism version” of wasted production capacity.
In fact, the similarities are eerie between reality and the television version of the terrorist plot now playing out in New York City. The main difference? The video surveillance is far better in the show.
As Bauer tracks a terrorist bomb hidden in a van through the streets of Manhattan in this season’s “24,” he is aided by secret spy drones flying over the city, training their cameras on virtually every intersection. With just a phone call, Bauer directs a drone to the location he wants and up pop detailed images — license plates, even the face of a suspect.
Oh don’t bend over backwards. They’re pretty much the exact same thing, “reality” and “the television version of the terrorist plot playing out in New York City.”
What a contrast to the short, grainy video the New York Police Department released Monday of a “person of interest” in the botched Times Square bombing. Worse than most YouTube clips, the picture of a man removing his jacket is fuzzy, obscuring his face and any other identifying features.
LAME-ASS NYPD! Fuck them. Next time we want Jack Bauer to protect us, since we have a choice. We wanna watch his drone YouTubes. We wanna watch his drone YouTubes in 1080p 3D resolution. And we want drones in the first place, too! Does the United States produce any flying drones of any kind? It must be pretty awesome to live with those birds flying over your head, protecting everyone. DO IT OR WE WON’T VOTE.
Anyway, why not strain to connect this all to an entirely different major news story? Ray Kelly intended for this when he laid out his very serious treatise on reality vs. fiction, demanding robust debate from major newspapers in response, so blame him.
The difference between reality and Hollywood is also playing out in the gulf, where the hope that the U.S. military could save the day with some super-secret technology is turning out to be unfounded. As federal officials struggle to respond to the oil gushing from more than 5,000 feet underwater, it’s been clear that the Defense Department does not have a silver bullet to fix what the oil company can’t. As Thad Allen, the commandant of the Coast Guard, said at a briefing for reporters: “The mere presence of, say, a Navy ship doesn’t necessarily add to the response, and a lot of the submersibles that are being used there that in some cases are very technically superior, have the ability to pick up small screwdrivers at a depth of 5,000 feet.”
Movie buffs might be surprised to learn that the submarines owned by a private oil company are superior to the ones at the disposal of the U.S. military.
Ha ha ha! STUNNING!
The reality, unfortunately, is that television always makes everything seem easier than it actually is. There are no drones overhead in New York City. There is no government oil-rig-disaster-fixer that can plug up the leak in the ocean.
B-b-but there’s still a Santy Claus, right?
What does exist — especially in the case of the failed New York bombing — are eerie similarities between the crisis playing itself out in real life and the television fantasy inspired by writers.
“Written” by writers. “Written.” Nerds, with pens, making shit up. Focus groups, profits.
In the television series, terrorists use an improvised “dirty bomb” with radiological rods to inspire terror in pursuit of their political agenda against factions in their country. In the real world, officials said Monday that it is increasingly likely that the New York bombing attempt is linked to foreign terrorists.
A strong comparison: each “plot” has international players. But that is an interesting note on which to end (and yes, we just blockquoted through the whole article; there was no choice.) It would seem that certain “terrorists” act so as to install “fear” in order to force some sort of “change” often of a “political” nature. The vast majority still act because they hate our Freedoms, of course, but it’s something to consider.
Ray Kelly clearly meant for this article.
(And to the writer of the article, we understand that this could’ve been one of those situations where the terrible editor walks over to your desk and says, “Hey, I’ve got this great color piece you should do! So I’ve been watching 24 this year…” If that’s the case, then we sympathize. If not, then go eat poop.)
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This “newspaper” has jumped the shark.
Allow me to quote Justice Scalia:
Scalia, in defense of torture, proclaimed that “Jack Bauer saved L. A.! Who’s going to convict Jack Bauer?”
These people are the equivalent of the kid who puts on the Superman pajamas and jumps off a roof.
fuck, forgive the double post.
What this has to do with Murphy Brown I can’t quite wrap my head around….
What a buffoon!!! Chloe runs the drones, not Jack
[re=570434]freelancer[/re]: Jack Bauer would effectively implement an air-tight police state. Why can’t our lazy elected officials be more like Jack?
The Onion is more ahead of reality than television.
“DAMMIT, ALLEN! I’m only gonna ask you this question one more time:
Hot dogs: Are they a meal, or are they a snack? Are HOT DOGS a MEAL or a SNACK? ANSWER ME GODDAMMIT! MEAL or SNACK, Mike?! MEALLL? ORRR! SNAAACKKK?!!”
i have never seen 24. i have never read wapo. coincidence? i don’t think so…
Also too this means Ray Kelly will soon do time and Bloomberf will start wearing a dress. I think.
They read Miranda rights on 24? No way.
[re=570455]Katydid[/re]: Gah. Bloomberg. Damn iPhone. Srsly. Now what the hell is a “Bloomberf?”
This is absolutely nothing like that newspaper in ‘All the President’s Men’ (wait, that comparison made too much sense).
Television is now news.
YouTubes too grainy? ENHANCE!
I’m certain ain’t seen 24 minutes of “24.”
Just want to think we have competent people we’re paying to do the job they wanted to do.
And we do.
What does exist is the eerie ramblings of a Washington Post writer losing his/her tenuous grip on reality.
Jack Bauer is no Rudy Giuliani. Rudy would’ve arrested all the sidewalk vendors in Times Square. Dirty ‘Nam vets.
Tonight, on a very special episode of 24, Jack discovers he’s pregnant.
I made a movie with Jack Bauer. He didn’t seem like an asshole at all.
The Defense Department, thanks to its meager $703 billion taxpayer dollars and only slight access to unconstitutional surveillance programs, has been unable to get an agent to successfully pass as a spy into domestic terror suspects’ homes. Yet Daniel Hillard was able to fool his children and Miranda, his wife of many years, as a British nanny in the film, “Mrs. Doubtfire.”
[re=570459]Katydid[/re]: I think your on to something. “Bloomberf” is sort of a catchy name for Hizzoner.
Now that our homeland has almost suffered another serious terrorist attack, when will Obama start a senseless war against some unaffiliated country?
[re=570451]Extemporanus[/re]:
9:00 P.M. Iron Chef America (FOOD) Iron Chef Mario Batali takes on challenger Jack Bauer.
[re=570434]freelancer[/re]: Right! And Denny Crane got me a $1 million settlement for a bad case of gas I came down with after eating Swastika® brand refried beans. And the Eleventh Doctor kept Earth safe from the Atraxi and Daleks, SO THERE, the end.
The main difference between 24 and real life is that Michael D. Shear of the Washington Post has never masturbated to pictures of the daughter and wife of the real FBI agent in charge of the investigation.
Tomorrow, the Washington Post will analyze how James Bond would have dealt with incompetent terrorists, (Preview: send them to a gross, sadistic death and follow it up with a humorous quip.)
Remember when Dan Quayle (whose son is running for office this year) complained about Murphy Brown being a bad role model for having a child out of wedlock? And which rightwinger said Bart Simpson should have his mouth washed out with soap? The only authentic people ever on television were the Three Stooges (and only Curly & Shemp as the third stooge).
[re=570492]chascates[/re]: Rightwingers prefer Curly Joe to Curly. That is how you know they are evil.
WaPo is next going to try to tell me that Mork and Mindy wasn’t a reality teevee show.
Look forward to reading how Arizona’s immigration law compares to “Breaking Bad”.
That article is what happens when you let the drunk news editors and ‘lifestyle’ reporters get together for a happy hour with wifi access. Somebody’s ass is getting ‘sourced’ and stupidity will result.
Fuck, is there even a source or article outline used, or is it just incoherent rambling much like mine…
Fuckin’ V’s!!!!
Well, of course it was like 24. Except if it was like 24, this guy would also have been involved with a plot to set off another, deadlier bomb four hours later, and the person to survive Jack’s stopping of that threat would know of another one to go off exactly six hours later, then that would lead to the discovery of the involvement of rogue defense contractors trying to stage a coup against the President who real the real, final threat. And no one would get tired, even after being awake for 23 hours, and at some point Jack would have to go rogue TO GET THE JOB DONE.
24: the original, unaired, 1994 Pilot:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMLH_QyPTYM
That’s ok, most of things under Dubya I compare to scenes from Police Academy “film” series. Taaaaacklebeeerry!!!!!!
[re=570514]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Hahaha. “Lycos is dry, trying Encarta now..”
It’s a sad day when the Washington Times seems like the sensible paper in that town.
If life is going to imitate art, couldn’t it just as easily imitate Sex and the City, where NY is terrorized by slutty, materialistic minxes?
[re=570470]rocktonsammy[/re]: I’ve never seen 24 seconds of that show. But, there was a Sarah Silverman episode where they spoofed 24 (I think). “I left the bomb in the car”. I can’t find a clip, but I remember ROTFLMAO, and, reaffirming to myself I never actually have to waste 24 seconds watching an overcooked terrodrama.
What a sad sight — two failed beginnings to a Serious Essay bookending an equally aborted second thread that never got tied in, given so much more pathos by uniting idea that the author announces he’s going to show us similarities and then enumerates only differences. It’s like being in an After School Special where your retarded (“he’s just different!”) brother observes a cuckoo hatchling that’s been laid in a robin’s nest push its little step-siblings out of the nest, then eat its parents out of house and home, then try to consume both of them at once and chokes on them, and the three corpses, the imposter consuming his parents, fall out of the nest and slowly dry over the course of a couple of weeks and then he brings the husks to you as a present wrapped up in a darling little bow that he tells you is made out of the intestines of a kitten that was hit by a car.
Okay, maybe it’s not quite like that, but once I got going I couldn’t stop.
(And to the writer of the article, we understand that this could’ve been one of those situations where the terrible editor walks over to your desk and says, “Hey, I’ve got this great color piece you should do! So I’ve been watching 24 this year…” If that’s the case, then we sympathize. If not, then go eat poop.)
Don’t get soft on us, Jim. Aside from Walter Pincus and a few others, the WaPOOP is just that. A cesspool of whores and liars and Ceci Connollys and George (I lie about science and stuff) Wills.
~
Is that pic supposed to be Jack Bauer roughing up Karl Rove? If so, they needed to add about 60 pounds to that stand-in. Just another example of art fucking up reality.
[re=570525]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Man, I may have to finally break down and buy a teevee!
Jim, no writer, no matter how young, stupid, drunk, or virginal, would willingly submit that piece of crap for public viewing in any print form. So, you are faced with nerds who can’t write.
BTW, did a case of Red Bull get ya started on this longer-than-usual post? It’s ok…. But you’re gonna have a pounding headache in the am….
Remember when that bald dude was the curly haired red-headed angel boy from Fame? Jack Bauer’s lucky he didn’t bust out some Fosse on his ass. LITERALLY.
“There is, however, this Washington Post article, a “journalism version” of wasted production capacity.”
Extraordinarily perfect. Copied, pasted and filed for future use.
Without the fifty or so comments ahead of this one, this could easily have been the most depressing Wonkette post since Nov 2004.
This article was a prank, right? Satire? Come on.
[re=570540]Mr Blifil[/re]: Jack Bauer’s also lucky he doesn’t have cancer — the bald dude wolfed down tumors like they were chemo-flavored cupcakes in an episode of The X-Files.
Not to get all personal, but I work next door to a forensics lab. The receptionist of that office would turn ol’ Jack into disappeared in about 24 minutes. KILLZ UR LYIN TV KITTEHS.
[re=570555]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Hum…… You are normally an upbeat person,
Remember, tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo!!!
Be of good cheer, Oh caveman. Much joy comes in the morning.
Living here in socialist Europe, I have never actually seen this 24 of which everyone speaks. However, there is a plethora of American Cop Shows: CSI, Criminal Minds, NCIS, Third Watch, Blind Justice…and every single one is an advertisement for a police state.
The cops violate suspect’s rights routinely, beat the hell out of their prisoners (even the fucking blind guy)and lie like crazy.
There are also an Australian cop show I watch, called Rush, I think. Plenty of car chases, gunfights, clever quips, etc…but the police are not fascist assholes.
Feliz Cinco de Mayo, everybody!
Apologies for OT blogwhoring comment, but I have my “book of the month” up on my website, http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com I think. I’m having some computer problems. I’d appreciate if anybody could let me know whether you can see it or not.
No, guru, I see a May 4 post about nature school and completely unrelated comments.
I’m proud that I have never watched 1 second of “24″. One reason I’ve avoided it is when I’ve read about rethugs gushing over it like school girls— that and the insidious pro-torture propaganda of the show.
[re=570584]Way Cool Larry[/re]: I think I’ve seen bits of it while channel-surfing, but it offends me the way “documentaries” or movies about ancient aliens, demonic possession and angels do. It’s not fiction; it’s bullshit.
I wonder how Fox ‘n’ Fuckwits is going to spin the fact that the Failbomber is singing his head off (and his co-conspirators in Pakistan have been busted), mere hours after he was arrested, Mirandized, and treated like a human being/criminal suspect. Not that I’m going to tune in to find out.
[re=570584]Way Cool Larry[/re]: amen
Plus I can’t stand all those god damned split screens (some of the same scene at a slightly different angle!!). It’s designed for men with the attention span of a 5 yr old with extreme ADD.
24 has been cancelled. The Bush era is over.
If only there were humor to be mined, or even siphoned from the empty tank of sanity in American jurisprudence, the broken sippy straw of American journalism, or the broken handle of the ice scraper of American policing, it would be ok. Instead, Jane Mayer’s The Dark Side already showed that the asshats of the terror cops were watching “24″ and getting inspiration from it. They saw it as validation and as a challenge to go further.
The Washington softboys who got tumescent at the thought of inflicting screams on the bullies of their youths also watched the show and saw it as a justification. Republican lunatics even used the show’s ratings as “proof” that “the American people support torture.”
This all from Hollywood script writers who were desperate to up the stakes on the theatricality every episode and never knew what they were doing in the first place.
This sets U.S. domestic and international policy.
Have you or someone you love been injured by Jack Bauer? Call the Law Offices of Sue Goodman, get the settlement you deserve. Call today.
Needs moar “zoom and enhance”
[re=570621]comicbookguy[/re]: I prefer Breaking Bad’s Saul Goodman myself.
The article was terrible–a sorry excuse for real journalism.
Here’s the reality–something that the smart people at Wonkette alreay know: television, the movies, songs and books that are fiction are just that, fiction.
Fiction. Meaning, they are not real. They have very little to do with reality.
Thus, that just about renders the Post story imbecilic from the start. It’s a terrible article.
[re=570478]user-of-owls[/re]: “Tonight, on a very special episode of 24, Jack discovers he’s pregnant.”
Oh my, how many seasons would it take for Jack to give birth. Tick, tock, tick, tock.
How do we KNOW that the bomb wasn’t part of a plot to steal zillions of dollars of bearer bonds from an underground vault by international thieves? Just because Bruce Willis wasn’t in the photos doesn’t mean he wasn’t there.
[re=570706]jus_wonderin[/re]: He will be in labor for exactly 24 hours.
Jack Bauer will never be in labor! Don’t let Tony Blair fool you. It’s more that Labour will join Jack Bauer.
Richard Cohen: Do you expect me to talk?
Faisal Shahzad: No, Mr. Cohen. I expect you to die.
[re=570602]Geogre[/re]: I was shocked at this as well. As a person who grew up watching TV, I always thought that torture in cop shows was just used as a cheap and easy plot device, and when they dug up authors of torture policy making references to it in meetings and such it really came home to me how dangerous idiocy can really be.
Nobody’s gonna see this post at this late hour, but, uh, it turns out there probably was military aerial hi-tech used in Shazad’s takedown. Well, Joint Special Operations Command (North America) Special Forces SIGINT RC12s, anyway:
http://www.thenation.com/blog/were-us-special-forces-involved-arrest-faisal-shahzad
[re=570492]chascates[/re]: If only Homer had laid off of Poppy in ’92 maybe the republicans wouldn’t be carrying a grudge this whole time. “But we’re just like the Waltons – we’re waiting for the Depression to end, too.”
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