Hooray, Global Markets Collapse Again Because of … Greece! (Again)

  our flourishing economy

Bank error in your favor! Oh wait, bank error *NOT* in your favor, sorry fucky.Let’s check in with the Wonkette Business Desk for our morning economic roundup. U.S. pending home sales are at their highest point this year! U.S. manufacturing orders are at a two-year high! A terrorist plot against New York — the financial capital of the world — totally failed and the suspected/attempted car-bomber was caught by the cops! His alleged co-conspirators were caught in Pakistan! All kinds of bellwether companies are reporting solid profits, from MasterCard’s 24% first-quarter profit to Sirius XM Radio’s $41.6 million profit in Q1 — people must be buying new cars again! So, of course, the markets are collapsing, worldwide, total panic, ARGH SELL JESUS CHRIST IT’S ALL HAPPENING AGAIN.

Why is the NASDAQ down 3%? What’s knocking two-and-a-half percent of the S&P? Even Ron Paul’s magick golden doubloons are falling. It’s Greece and the EU, again. Shitty little Greece …. and, maybe, soon, Portugal and Spain and, uh, the UK. They are all broke. Can Germany afford to repair *all* these failed Euro States? And how quickly can what’s his name, “Clegg,” learn to Sprechen sie Deutsch? Oh right, he probably already speaks it, what with his Spaniard wife and all. [MarketWatch/Bloomberg]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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53 comments

  1. Manos: Hands of Fate

    Can’t the Germans just build a big wall around Greece and the world community can pretend like it never existed. It seems like everything else in the world is hunky-dory except for them.

  2. Jim Demintia

    Don’t worry, Ken, even if the EU gets its shit together and the markets rebound, Wall Street will find another way to destroy the world soon enough.

  3. slappypaddy

    markets all greased up for the downslope slide. whee! whar’s mah gold’n’bullets? thar them little boogers is.

  4. m_supercomputer

    Oh, this is probably my fault. I’m going to Spain on vacation next month and anywhere I go for that seems to be hit with some horrible disaster or another right before or right after. (Two years ago: Iceland.)

  5. ManchuCandidate

    [re=569866]Neilist[/re]:
    Or Goldman Sacks giving your national bank financial advice.

  6. Oblios Cap

    The Germans don’t like the Turks and now they don’t like the Greeks. It’s almost like they think they’re better than everybody else.

  7. x111e7thst

    In Greece trumpet players get to retire early because the “heightened risk of acid reflux” makes theirs a dangerous profession. My Italian cousin said so, so it must be true.

  8. Aurelio

    This is their punishment for calling the money “efros.” Yes, that’s what they used to call them. Now they call them “fucking efros.”

  9. FMA

    [re=569873]m_supercomputer[/re]: Well, in 2005, I went to New Orleans. And then, last year, I went to New Orleans again. Hmmmmmm.

  10. Aurelio

    [re=569876]Oblios Cap[/re]:
    The Germans don’t like the Turks and now they don’t like the Greeks.

    Well, the Greeks don’t like the Turks, either. Is this a basis for a vengeance three-way?

  11. charlesdegoal

    The reason the market goes down is that it went up. Current events have been anticipated long ago (sometimes wrongly) so today’s prices reflect the degree to which things have come true. The economy may look good to the public, but, to the markets, it’s only either better or worse than anticipated.
    Also, when speaking of countries that are over-indebted, its perhaps best not to overlook the United States.

  12. Aurelio

    [re=569880]jus_wonderin[/re]: Could this be a buying opportunity?
    Wait for a little more blood in the streets.

  13. x111e7thst

    [re=569866]Neilist[/re]: Awaiting your review of the Kel-Tec w/folding stock and rifle barrel.

  14. Extemporanus

    There’s a reason why Charlie Crist’s “staff” insists on being paid up front.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Greece has been bad news ever since Lord Byron died fighting the Ottoman Empire. Then all those soldiers got malaria and dysentery at Salonika before they even had a chance to fight back in the Great War. And then that whole Elgin marbles fuss — why it’s no wonder the bottom fell out of the drachma.

  16. Oldskool

    Yeah, easy to see how Mastercard is up 24%. Everyone has to buy on credit and then pay Mafia-like interest. No disrespect to the mob, who has more overall integrity than cc companies.

  17. Aurelio

    [re=569873]m_supercomputer[/re]: You should wear a sign that says, “Stop me before I travel again.”

  18. chaste everywhere

    [re=569885]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Yup, beware of Greeks bearing Trojans.

  19. GoinGreen

    [re=569873]m_supercomputer[/re]: Would you consider coming to Texas, and, say, tour the Governor’s Mansion? It already burned to the ground once – but the slimy little fucker was at his mansion mansion at the time!

  20. bureaucrap

    Don’t worry, this will all be over soon. You might want to learn how to work a horse-drawn plow, though. It’s important to have a marketable skill.

  21. donner_froh

    [re=569906]bureaucrap[/re]: And if you can’t learn to guide the plow you can always be used to pull it.

  22. Anonymous Office Zombie

    Hey, no problem. I’m sure Greece has plenty of opportunities to bounce back. Like… uh, revitalizing their philosophy sector… and, uh, reviving their world class tragedy industry, and… um, olives, or something.

  23. Way Cool Larry

    Well, this was all so predictable once shares in Grecian Formula started tanking. The question is, where was Goldman Sachs in all of this?

  24. jus_wonderin

    [re=569911]Snarkalicious[/re]: I always did want me a Parthenon.

    LOL. I can’t top that.

    If only we had gotten in under the real estate tax credit deadline. Dang it. However, it is still available. Just get an inspection before you close.

  25. bureaucrap

    [re=569925]donner_froh[/re]: I’m trying to teach my parents to do that right now.

  26. Aurelio

    Are the Greeks shorting the euro?. They just borrowed a bunch of ‘em. Now their job is to sell ‘em to someone whose name does not end in “opolous,” whine and complain until the price goes down, and pay them back in cheaper euros, or “efros” as they like to say. That would buy a hell of a lot of Ρετσίνα for their big mean three-way with the Germans and Turks.

  27. JMP

    According to Pat Robertson, it’s god punishing the Greeks for inventing that sinful rational thought idea, back in the day.

  28. SuedeDwayne

    dude, it’s “Sprechen Sie Deutsch” – gotta capitalize that “Sie”, since it’s the formal “you”. jesus.

  29. Mr Blifil

    [re=569965]SuedeDwayne[/re]: No, no, when it’s lowercase it means “she.” Now I know the verb does not agree, as it should be “Spricht” not “Sprechen,” but I believe what is being attempted is a colloquial slang along the lines of “get her!” with a full-on Vogue-ing tranny hooker three finger snap “Mm…mm…MMM”special.

  30. snideinplainsight

    Q: Hey, what’s a Grecian urn, anyway?
    A: Oh, about two hundred drachmas a week – but that’s about a buck-and-a-quarter in Euros!

  31. snideinplainsight

    I like that wine that they make – the one they put fishy-shaped bottles. They should sell more of those, that could be a growth industry for them.

  32. betterDeadThanRed

    It’s all my fault. When ever I buy a stock, it goes down. If I buy a few different ones, the market collapses. I’ve learned my lesson and promise to stay out of the market from now on. Forever. Sorry.

  33. GOPCrusher

    [re=569873]m_supercomputer[/re]: Wyoming is beautiful this time of year. Spend your ameros here in the States.

  34. Ruhe

    [re=569885]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: You should keep in mind that there is a long tradition, since the renaissance at least, in the rest of Europe, especially Germany, of holding that these Greeks (C.E.) aren’t those Greeks (B.C.E.).

  35. sati demise

    [re=569868]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Except they still want Germany to return the solid gold bars that were stolen during the last world war. They figure, with interest, Germany owes them a quadrillion dollars.

    Market crashing? Guess everyone figured out all the banks are now using Arthur Anderson accounting principals.
    Even the Fed.

  36. steverino247

    Let me see if I’ve got this straight. The EU thought they were Greek gods, but actually they were goddamned Greeks?

  37. boatapple

    [re=569945]Aurelio[/re]: First, it’s not an EFRO, it’s called an EVRO. When the letter Υ follows a vowel it becomes a consonant. Why are you denouncing them for a labial-dental fricative they don’t even use? Knock it off.

  38. Aurelio

    [re=570422]boatapple[/re]: Knock it off. Well, excuuse me. It sounded like “efro” when I travelled in Greece. Besides, a high class culture would say “euro,” so these subtleties don’t really matter. I mean, who cares? They are just a bunch of people whose sole dream in life is to open a restaurant.

Comments are closed.