evasive maneuvers

White-People Masks Offered To Nervous Brown People In Arizona

Nathan 'n Buffy.Are you a Latino/Hispanic-type person stuck in Arizona because maybe you live there and it’s your home and you can’t just pack up and vanish because the KKK is suddenly writing state laws? Are you brown in any way at all, even maybe from too long in the tanning booth? Did somebody briefly put one of those “birthday sombreros” on your head at the Mexican restaurant? You’re screwed!

You need a disguise, fast. Wonkette operatives “Dan and Friends” put together this handy white-people-mask-maker website, so print ‘em out and say white-people stuff (“I love mayonnaise!” or “Del Webb builds quality communities for the active senior!”) when the Brownshirts catch you. [Deprofiler.com]

Related

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

54 comments

  1. ttommyunger

    The really sad thing is, these would probably work! The knuckle-draggers that would want to enforce this bullshit law are about as smart as a fucking box of rocks.

  2. Texan Bulldoggette

    I think “I love baconnaise” is more accurate. They should also AT ALL TIMES wear the US flag for a shirt, because people who wear those shirts are the real ‘Murricans.

  3. Norbert

    At this point, I don’t think I’d bat an eye if Nathan or Buffy were to become Governor of Arizona.

  4. Hopey dont play that game

    Other helpful phrases:
    1. “Bagel? Too ethnic”.
    2. “That Wayne Brady is so articulate”.
    3. “Isn’t Jay Leno a stitch?”

  5. nappyduggs

    This is going to be a hell of a lot easier than just catching that Michael Jackson disease

  6. The Rural Juror

    I suggest they peruse ‘Stuff White People Like’ regularly for handy tips. We’ll start seeing Hispanic people wearing vintage clothing, reading David Sedaris and watching Wes Anderson movies.

  7. JMP

    Not just a white person, they’ll need to come off as a Real Murrkin type. “Man, ah do love watchin’ the nascars drivin’ around in circles endlessly.” “That blond female country singer is fine-lookin’ gal, and ah do love that song ’bout how her man done her wrong.” “Git ‘r done.”

    And remember to get trucknutz for the pickup truck! Oh, and replace your decent vehicle with a pickup truck.

  8. Katydid

    More tips: Don’t be like Cleavon Little in Blazing Saddles and forget about those pesky dark hands and arms. Remember, white spray paint is your friend.

    Also too, call your sons “Son,” and your daughters, “Kitten.”

    And never, ever, ever utter this phrase .

  9. ManchuCandidate

    Mask faces too thin. Needs to be fatter to be REAL US ‘MURICuns cause they’d be mistaken for tourists or even worse, liebruls.

  10. Autochthon

    [re=569720]Katydid[/re]: Don’t forget “There’s no ‘i’ in ‘team.’”

  11. V572625694

    [re=569699]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Real Americans practice open carry too, but that might not be a good idea for people of the brown persuasion in Arizona these days.

  12. neoplatonic

    I don’t know…some of these “white people” look pretty ethnic. Some are positively…swarthy.

  13. Mr Blifil

    Further suggestions:

    “Please pass the salt, thank you very much.”
    “Excuse me, do you have the time?”
    “The condom broke.”

  14. mustardman

    When at the supermarket, make sure to have a box of Jimmy Deans Pancakes and Sausage on a stick in your cart to avoid suspicion.

  15. freakishlystrong

    [re=569735]Mr Blifil[/re]:
    “I prefer Depends”
    “Do you take American Express?”

  16. DirtyHarriett

    Or, “Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”
    Nevermind, too leetist!! Or is it?

  17. ArugulaTeleprompterz

    Dude mask looks like Matthew Broderick. He and his horsey-faced wife are DEFINITELY Obama-supportin’ gay-lovin’ libruls. You really want to go for more of a Larry the Cable Guy look to ensure your safety in Arizona.

  18. snoidoid

    I don’t know why all the fuss. The Arizona legislature passed amendments specifically banning skin color and ethnicity as reasons to detain someone. Clearly, it’s all about the “Mexicanny” shoes. If everyone would just take the damn huaraches off, they’d be fine.

  19. Berkeley Bear

    Do the masks come with a secret supply of hot sauce to cut into the mayonaise (ala the watch in Undercover Brother)?

    Other lines that may help:

    “Some of my best friends are brown folks.”

    “I don’t mind minorities, as long as they know their place.”

    “I paid for my Social Security benefits – I’m just getting my money back.”

    “Have you tried the new Country Kitchen Buffet?”

  20. Berkeley Bear

    [re=569742]DirtyHarriett[/re]: Only if you put it on a hamburger like that socialist, fascist, communist Kenyan who somehow got into the White House even though no God-Fearing Real Murrican would ever vot for him.

  21. Jumping Jim

    [re=569703]Hopey dont play that game[/re]:
    Didn’t we go to Prep School together?
    Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?
    Anything said by Sarah Palin.


  22. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=569709]The Rural Juror[/re]: Yeah, but the “Stuff White People Like” website is actually about “Stuff urban educated multi-cultural-friendly trendsetters like.” The stuff *Arizona* white people like is more along the lines of “Hot Pockets” and “leaving the plastic on the sofa arms.”

  23. alzronnie

    Going with those white mugs is not necessary, messicans should just use the image of Alberto Gonzalez for the mask and they’ll be instantly accepted by white folks.

  24. Dean Booth

    “Sure, I’m American. Didn’t you hear me say, ‘God bless George Washington. God bless my mother.’? I mean, now what kind of Mexican would say a fool thing like that?”

  25. Manos: Hands of Fate

    Hey a real-life progressive group came up with this idea. And it’s funny! Who knew.

  26. JMP

    [re=569762]Ken Layne[/re]: Hot Pockets should definitely be liked by real Americans, since the advertise on Rush Limbaugh; or at least did back in the day when I was stuck with a roommate who religiously watched his old TV show.

  27. BeWoot

    [re=569743]ArugulaTeleprompterz[/re]: Think beards. About half the men in Arizona wear a full beard–and I mean the untrimmed, post-sincere-beard crusty-old-prospector variety.

  28. An American in Toronto

    “Let’s take a relaxed attitude toward work, and watch the baseball match. The ‘Ny’ Mets are my favorite squadron!”

  29. Hello Sunshine

    If you want in-depth political analysis of the Arizona issue, the best place to turn is, uh, the soccer blog of the New York Times.

    In brief, wingnuttery could could the USA the chance to host the world’s biggest (and most lucrative) sporting event.

  30. WestEdEd

    Finish every sentence with “such as”. Start every sentence with “In regards to what, Charlie?”

    Name your kids, Trig, Track, Trucknutz and Moonshine.

    “Where is the meth?”

  31. GOPCrusher

    [re=569834]Hello Sunshine[/re]: Only a furriner would read anything related to soccer. Can we see your birf certificate, please?

  32. El Pinche

    [re=569864]WestEdEd[/re]: Yeah, just put jeans, “I love Jesus” t-shirts, and hats on four mounds of boneless beef roast and call them you’re precious angels.

    Not only would Officer Spichater let you off, but he’d ask you to sign his jizzed up copy of Going Rogue.

  33. Georgia Burning

    This being Arizona, dress the part. Men should wear a thin short-sleeve dress shirt two sizes too small with a t-shirt underneath. If over 45, wear suspenders along with the belt. For women: a pair of “mom” jeans, junky earrings and a purse the size of a jeep. The big bottle of water sticking out is a summer option. Also be sure the car (Ford Taurus) has one of those red-white-blue ribbon stickers on the trunk and the little green tree hanging from the rear view mirror. Loudly complain about how things are cheaper back in Ohio.

  34. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    These will be great at the Diamondbacks Hispanic Heritage night this Saturday.

    Now if we can just get Warner Brothers to re-colorize all of the Speedy Gonzalez cartoons, so we can show them to our kids in the back of our minivans without a threat of getting pulled over by the cops, all will be well.

    [re=569762]Ken Layne[/re]: Wait, you are supposed to take the plastic off?

  35. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=569944]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Actually, maybe I could start my own business re-colorizing Speedy Gonzalez and selling it to Arizonians as “Doing the Speed Limit Smith.”

  36. letsroll

    To the writer of this POS. You poke fun at Nazi-ism. It seems to be in all your posts. Trust me: You do not know Nazi-ism. Because you are such an idiot, I hope some day you find out what it truly is, the hard way. What is happening in Arizona is not racism, or Nazi-ism. It is patriotism. It is a State that has gone before the others and decried we have had enough. Come to us legally or do not come at all. The only racists I have known came to Arizona from other places. I have known far more black racists and brown racists than white racists. I am white. My wife is hispanic, and so is my son. Please come to my door and call me a racist. I promise you that something extremely unpleasant will happen to you. Of all my travels, I have never been in a more race friendly State than Arizona. Some of my very best friends have been from other races and religions. Our State is a strongly integrated one. For dumbasses like you clowns who live no where near the border, it is your free ticket to make complete moronic asses out of yourselves online. You would never say such things openly. You would never put your face to your treason to this nation. You support armed drug caravans ripping through the Southwest and killing anyone who gets in their path. You prefer the MS13 violent gangs. You support illegal activity. You have no use for someone who takes the time to come to this nation the right way, the legal way. It is idiots like you that are responsible for the deterioration of this nation. The drug violence is moving North very fast. But that is what you want. You want Juarez Mexico to be in our streets. You want to be caught in a drug war shoot-out with your family so you can become a cute little statistic in the paper for everyone to read. I hope you get what you want – that is my prayer for you. Then you will know what it is to live in fear.

Comments are closed.