alternative investment opportunies

Buy Charlie Crist’s Official Painting, On The eBay

This is real, you guys! The Florida Republican Party, as part of its ongoing efforts to scrub any hint of association with pariah Charlie Crist — most of which just involves wiping all of those orange smears from the walls of their headquarters — is selling Crist’s official state portrait on eBay. It cost the party $7,500 when commissioned (which seems like a pretty big ripoff, considering that the artist thought Crist was Mexican), and they want to recoup some cash. Your Wonkette has been needing to grow its office collection of fine oil portraits, which is a little too dominated by original 19th century Romantics and plump Renaissance nudes at the moment, so we’ll be keeping an eye on the bidding.

Uh oh, we have a wacky description, folks:

Privately Commissioned, High Quality, One of a Kind, Genuine Oil Painting on Fine Linen Canvas

★Canvas is naturally sensitive to changes of temperature and humidity, just as the Charlie Crist’s political convictions are subject to fluctuations in poll numbers.

★Depending upon variety of conditions, the stretch canvas may periodically lose and regain tautness, much like Charlie Crist periodically loosens or regains positions on a variety of issues.

Sponsored Video

★Ornate gold frame made of manufactured wood, similar to the fabricated conservative values of the politician depicted within.

Ha ha okay, we get it, don’t force it.

Since Crist is a Mexican in the painting, why aren’t they keeping it for Marco Rubio? Just change the hair color to blue or whatever it is. (We don’t really know what Marco Rubio looks like.)

[eBay via Washington Post]

Related

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

68 comments

  1. Cape Clod

    $7,500 for that piece of shit? That artist looks like they would have trouble doing a profile portrait of Zippy the Turtle.

  2. germansteel

    Can I bid a million, in oh I don’t know – pesos or sheckels or Greek euros?

  3. sezme

    The seller has a feedback rating of zero: Often a red flag that he or she is a a rip-off artist with something to hide, similar to the way the Republican Party is made up of con-men and closet cases.

    This is too easy.

  4. President Beeblebrox

    Go back a few more linx and the story gets more lulzy.

    Nothing illustrates questionable spending at the Republican Party of Florida like the $7,500 for oil paintings of Gov. Charlie Crist and ousted Chairman Jim Greer.

    The cost to the party would have been even higher if former executive director Delmar Johnson had his way. Johnson appears to have been the point man for the portraits and commissioned one for himself. But Johnson, who inked a hush-hush party fundraising contract for himself and Greer, was ultimately fired this January before the party could pick up the tab for his oil portrait and a few giclée prints.

    The expense might have slipped by had not Havana artist D. Arthur McBride called the party early this year, looking for her money. By then, Johnson was gone. And there was no desire to use party funds for this.

    “I thought I wasn’t going to get paid,” she said. Ultimately, Johnson paid her out of his own pocket.

  5. nappyduggs

    Really, can’t they use it to cover one of the many statehouse Republican carved glory-holes? Class things up a bit? Maybe then they could pass off the portrait as something like a Vermeer, after some randy GOPper gives it a pearl necklace.

  6. Tommmcatt

    The Wonkette Penthouse Suite is plastered with framed life-size blowups of Suicide Girls and you know it.

  7. bflrtsplk

    Somebody bid 1469.69 for that thing? Why the extra 69 cents? Is there a hidden message there somewhere?

  8. Limeylizzie

    Come on Wonketteers, how many of us are there..50 or 60? We could raise enough money for that as a gift for Ken.

  9. Snarkalicious

    Charlie Crist is the secret half-Messican love child of H Ross Perot? But I thought Marco Rubio was…ZOMG!!1!@! I smell a Lifetime special presentation in our future.

  10. Snarkalicious

    [re=569414]Tommmcatt[/re]: No, silly. You can’t inflate them if they’re framed. It’s more of a free-floating display scheme.

  11. I Heart Accuracy

    [re=569419]bflrtsplk[/re]: Sounds like Kathleen Harris trying to drive up the bids.


  12. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=569414]Tommmcatt[/re]: Actually the only art we have hanging is a printed .jpg of scott brown’s bush. Ken keeps taking it home with him at the end of the day and returning it the next morning, though, don’t know what that’s about.

    No we don’t have an office.

  13. Extemporanus

    [re=569419]bflrtsplk[/re]: Oh my god, why is the Republican Party of Florida soliciting back-to-back gay Greek sex acts with a white nationalist on eBay?!

    Also, are the “88 precepts” shipped separately?

  14. Not_So_Much

    Is this why you can’t find Orange in the acrylic paint section of the art supply store any longer?

  15. Extemporanus

    “Since Crist is a Mexican in the painting, why aren’t they keeping it for Marco Rubio?”

    Because Rubio’d only do what all Florida Mexicans do when given something orange and fruity — he’d try to sell it to passing motorists next to an I-4 on-ramp.

  16. Dr. Spaceman

    Oh, that isn’t the only Crist picture on ebay right now. Gawker has a link to an alleged cocaine photo.

  17. qwerty42

    [re=569426]Jim Newell[/re]: I thought you guys operated out of the Wonkette Towers, with lavish perqs and all.

  18. Tommmcatt

    [re=569426]Jim Newell[/re]:

    Awww. Leave me with my sick fantasies, Newell, it’s all I have…

  19. Snarkalicious

    [re=569449]TJBeck[/re]: lesbian::horse::feet::teens::cougar::jobs::employment. Page view issue solved.

  20. Servo

    I’m waiting for the Boris Vellejo version depicting a sword-wielding Sir Charles with a Fabio bod and Confederate flag loin cloth and his almost-nude damsel with fancy steel titty shields.

  21. Radiotherapy

    [re=569435]Autochthon[/re]: For Crist’s sake, hue’d think people would get the tone right.

  22. Capers

    By the way, does anybody know the status of the official Joe Lieberman portrait?

  23. President Beeblebrox

    [re=569437]Dr. Spaceman[/re]: Methinks it’s one o’ them eBay hoaxes. After all, the bidding starts at only $600K!

  24. Aurelio

    Vi>Havana artist D. Arthur McBride…
    So Crist doesn’t look like a Mexican in the picture. He looks like a Cuban. And wtf kinda name for a chick is “D. Arthur McBride”? And wtf is someone with a name like that doing living in Havana? Inquiring minds want to know.

  25. JMP

    [re=569420]Limeylizzie[/re]: Although it would be nice, the best gift for our Wonkette staff would be the for-sale Washington Times.

  26. nycmadefoodie

    Jim:

    Either all non-White people are Mexicans to you, or you haven’t seen a White retiree from Florida.

  27. Mahousu

    I’m a bit leery about buying anything from an organization called R(i)POF(f).

  28. coolcatdaddy

    This would look great next to the official Michael Steele portrait on black velvet…

  29. coolcatdaddy

    Two words I don’t wish to see underneath a picture of Charlie Crist — “zoom” and “enlarge”.

  30. SayItWithWookies

    Nice portrait — Crist looks like the unholy offspring of James Earl Ray and Joel Osteen.

  31. DDD

    Something to make your imagination wander: you just stepped into the Haunted Mansion, and this is one of those portraits overhead…

  32. sezme

    Current price of $3550 is a bit high. I think I might downgrade to searching eBay for a potato chip or some other food item with an image of Crist on it.

  33. zhubajie

    “original 19th century Romantics and plump Renaissance nudes”

    I always figured Wonkette’s offices were decorated with antique Hustler and Playboy centerfolds.

  34. 23 Skidoo

    Charlie Crist? The subject of this painting looks like he should be standing next to a giant wheel talking about having your pets spayed and neutered and what not.

  35. BobTheBuilder

    Hey folks, it’s a 7-day, money-back guarantee. Buy it, have some fun with it, take pictures of your friends with it, if you’re George Reker or Mark Foley maybe jack off to it while thinking of a guy “periodically losing and regaining tautness” – and then send the paint-by-numbers piece of shit back.

    If you really trust the zero-rated Republican Party of Florida to give you your money back.

  36. President Beeblebrox

    Hm.

    “This listing (150440082471) has been removed, or this item is not available.
    Please check that you’ve entered the correct item number
    Listings that have ended 90 or more days ago will not be available for viewing.”

Comments are closed.