Buy Charlie Crist’s Official Painting, On The eBay

by Jim Newell

This is real, you guys! The Florida Republican Party, as part of its ongoing efforts to scrub any hint of association with pariah Charlie Crist — most of which just involves wiping all of those orange smears from the walls of their headquarters — is selling Crist’s official state portrait on eBay. It cost the party $7,500 when commissioned (which seems like a pretty big ripoff, considering that the artist thought Crist was Mexican), and they want to recoup some cash. Your Wonkette has been needing to grow its office collection of fine oil portraits, which is a little too dominated by original 19th century Romantics and plump Renaissance nudes at the moment, so we’ll be keeping an eye on the bidding.

Uh oh, we have a wacky description, folks:

Privately Commissioned, High Quality, One of a Kind, Genuine Oil Painting on Fine Linen Canvas

★Canvas is naturally sensitive to changes of temperature and humidity, just as the Charlie Crist’s political convictions are subject to fluctuations in poll numbers.

★Depending upon variety of conditions, the stretch canvas may periodically lose and regain tautness, much like Charlie Crist periodically loosens or regains positions on a variety of issues.

★Ornate gold frame made of manufactured wood, similar to the fabricated conservative values of the politician depicted within.

Ha ha okay, we get it, don’t force it.

Since Crist is a Mexican in the painting, why aren’t they keeping it for Marco Rubio? Just change the hair color to blue or whatever it is. (We don’t really know what Marco Rubio looks like.)

[eBay via Washington Post]

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Hola wonkerados.

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GOPCrusher May 3, 2010 at 5:44 pm

Nothing like a Stalinist Purge, to prove you’re a real American!

Cape Clod May 3, 2010 at 5:45 pm

$7,500 for that piece of shit? That artist looks like they would have trouble doing a profile portrait of Zippy the Turtle.

SmutBoffin May 3, 2010 at 5:48 pm

Looks like a snow-maned Norm MacDonald.

germansteel May 3, 2010 at 5:48 pm

Can I bid a million, in oh I don’t know – pesos or sheckels or Greek euros?

sezme May 3, 2010 at 5:48 pm

The seller has a feedback rating of zero: Often a red flag that he or she is a a rip-off artist with something to hide, similar to the way the Republican Party is made up of con-men and closet cases.

This is too easy.

Crazy Like Fox May 3, 2010 at 5:49 pm

You mean “white smears.”

President Beeblebrox May 3, 2010 at 5:49 pm

Go back a few more linx and the story gets more lulzy.

Nothing illustrates questionable spending at the Republican Party of Florida like the $7,500 for oil paintings of Gov. Charlie Crist and ousted Chairman Jim Greer.

The cost to the party would have been even higher if former executive director Delmar Johnson had his way. Johnson appears to have been the point man for the portraits and commissioned one for himself. But Johnson, who inked a hush-hush party fundraising contract for himself and Greer, was ultimately fired this January before the party could pick up the tab for his oil portrait and a few giclée prints.

The expense might have slipped by had not Havana artist D. Arthur McBride called the party early this year, looking for her money. By then, Johnson was gone. And there was no desire to use party funds for this.

“I thought I wasn’t going to get paid,” she said. Ultimately, Johnson paid her out of his own pocket.

llibra May 3, 2010 at 5:50 pm

doesn’t look much like ole Charlie

gurukalehuru May 3, 2010 at 5:53 pm

A study in gray and orange.

Way Cool Larry May 3, 2010 at 5:53 pm

[re=569401]SmutBoffin[/re]: wow, totally!

nappyduggs May 3, 2010 at 5:54 pm

Really, can’t they use it to cover one of the many statehouse Republican carved glory-holes? Class things up a bit? Maybe then they could pass off the portrait as something like a Vermeer, after some randy GOPper gives it a pearl necklace.

Tommmcatt May 3, 2010 at 6:00 pm

The Wonkette Penthouse Suite is plastered with framed life-size blowups of Suicide Girls and you know it.

ManchuCandidate May 3, 2010 at 6:09 pm

If they have this on black velvet, I might think about it.

bflrtsplk May 3, 2010 at 6:12 pm

Somebody bid 1469.69 for that thing? Why the extra 69 cents? Is there a hidden message there somewhere?

Limeylizzie May 3, 2010 at 6:13 pm

Come on Wonketteers, how many of us are there..50 or 60? We could raise enough money for that as a gift for Ken.

Snarkalicious May 3, 2010 at 6:13 pm

Charlie Crist is the secret half-Messican love child of H Ross Perot? But I thought Marco Rubio was…ZOMG!!1!@! I smell a Lifetime special presentation in our future.

Snarkalicious May 3, 2010 at 6:15 pm

[re=569414]Tommmcatt[/re]: No, silly. You can’t inflate them if they’re framed. It’s more of a free-floating display scheme.

I Heart Accuracy May 3, 2010 at 6:18 pm

[re=569419]bflrtsplk[/re]: Sounds like Kathleen Harris trying to drive up the bids.

Jim Newell May 3, 2010 at 6:20 pm

[re=569414]Tommmcatt[/re]: Actually the only art we have hanging is a printed .jpg of scott brown’s bush. Ken keeps taking it home with him at the end of the day and returning it the next morning, though, don’t know what that’s about.

No we don’t have an office.

Radiotherapy May 3, 2010 at 6:24 pm

It’s kinda like investing in gold.

Capers May 3, 2010 at 6:24 pm

Slow news day.

Extemporanus May 3, 2010 at 6:26 pm

[re=569419]bflrtsplk[/re]: Oh my god, why is the Republican Party of Florida soliciting back-to-back gay Greek sex acts with a white nationalist on eBay?!

Also, are the “88 precepts” shipped separately?

Okie Dokie Dog May 3, 2010 at 6:28 pm

How much is the postage?

I Heart Accuracy May 3, 2010 at 6:29 pm

And Katherine Harris too. Fuck. Nevermind.

Not_So_Much May 3, 2010 at 6:33 pm

Is this why you can’t find Orange in the acrylic paint section of the art supply store any longer?

Autochthon May 3, 2010 at 6:34 pm

[re=569427]Radiotherapy[/re]: And orange.

Extemporanus May 3, 2010 at 6:34 pm

“Since Crist is a Mexican in the painting, why aren’t they keeping it for Marco Rubio?”

Because Rubio’d only do what all Florida Mexicans do when given something orange and fruity — he’d try to sell it to passing motorists next to an I-4 on-ramp.

Dr. Spaceman May 3, 2010 at 6:34 pm

Oh, that isn’t the only Crist picture on ebay right now. Gawker has a link to an alleged cocaine photo.

Red Zeppelin May 3, 2010 at 6:36 pm

I bid ten whore diamonds and a lightly used dildo.

Rotundo May 3, 2010 at 6:38 pm

Oils? I thought it was a multimedia work in cheetos and santorum…

qwerty42 May 3, 2010 at 6:38 pm

[re=569426]Jim Newell[/re]: I thought you guys operated out of the Wonkette Towers, with lavish perqs and all.

Tommmcatt May 3, 2010 at 6:38 pm

[re=569426]Jim Newell[/re]:

Awww. Leave me with my sick fantasies, Newell, it’s all I have…

slappypaddy May 3, 2010 at 6:39 pm

a painting in oil of a gulf-coast republican. seems timely.

Buzz Feedback May 3, 2010 at 6:43 pm

55 of the 56 bids belong to Mark Foley.

TJBeck May 3, 2010 at 6:48 pm

Gizmodo would buy it. Don’t you want page views, Wonkette?

Snarkalicious May 3, 2010 at 6:58 pm

[re=569449]TJBeck[/re]: lesbian::horse::feet::teens::cougar::jobs::employment. Page view issue solved.

Servo May 3, 2010 at 7:01 pm

I’m waiting for the Boris Vellejo version depicting a sword-wielding Sir Charles with a Fabio bod and Confederate flag loin cloth and his almost-nude damsel with fancy steel titty shields.

Extemporanus May 3, 2010 at 7:02 pm

[re=569453]Snarkalicious[/re]: You’ve just described the plot of…

Servo May 3, 2010 at 7:06 pm

Oops. Boris Vallejo. No spell check for legendary artists for rednecks.

Dean Booth May 3, 2010 at 7:10 pm

Here’s the black velvet version:

(I’ll try the HTML linky thing: Here it is.)

schvitzatura May 3, 2010 at 7:11 pm

[re=569401]SmutBoffin[/re]: Germans love Charlie Crist!

predilectrix May 3, 2010 at 7:17 pm

60 quatloos for the orange man!

Radiotherapy May 3, 2010 at 7:19 pm

[re=569435]Autochthon[/re]: For Crist’s sake, hue’d think people would get the tone right.

joementum May 3, 2010 at 7:21 pm

Shipping is very reasonable.

Capers May 3, 2010 at 7:28 pm

By the way, does anybody know the status of the official Joe Lieberman portrait?

President Beeblebrox May 3, 2010 at 7:33 pm

[re=569437]Dr. Spaceman[/re]: Methinks it’s one o’ them eBay hoaxes. After all, the bidding starts at only $600K!

Can O Whoopass May 3, 2010 at 7:35 pm

Charlie Crist, meet Dorian Gray!

Carrabuda May 3, 2010 at 7:40 pm

Florida’s Creamsicle[TM].

Sharkey May 3, 2010 at 7:41 pm

I always thought eBay and PayPal were fine, upstanding companies. Oh well.

Aurelio May 3, 2010 at 8:09 pm

Vi>Havana artist D. Arthur McBride…
So Crist doesn’t look like a Mexican in the picture. He looks like a Cuban. And wtf kinda name for a chick is “D. Arthur McBride”? And wtf is someone with a name like that doing living in Havana? Inquiring minds want to know.

JMP May 3, 2010 at 8:19 pm

[re=569420]Limeylizzie[/re]: Although it would be nice, the best gift for our Wonkette staff would be the for-sale Washington Times.

nycmadefoodie May 3, 2010 at 8:21 pm


Either all non-White people are Mexicans to you, or you haven’t seen a White retiree from Florida.

Mahousu May 3, 2010 at 8:53 pm

I’m a bit leery about buying anything from an organization called R(i)POF(f).

coolcatdaddy May 3, 2010 at 10:29 pm

This would look great next to the official Michael Steele portrait on black velvet…

coolcatdaddy May 3, 2010 at 10:33 pm

Two words I don’t wish to see underneath a picture of Charlie Crist — “zoom” and “enlarge”.

SayItWithWookies May 3, 2010 at 11:03 pm

Nice portrait — Crist looks like the unholy offspring of James Earl Ray and Joel Osteen.

DDD May 4, 2010 at 12:42 am

Something to make your imagination wander: you just stepped into the Haunted Mansion, and this is one of those portraits overhead…

sezme May 4, 2010 at 12:46 am

Current price of $3550 is a bit high. I think I might downgrade to searching eBay for a potato chip or some other food item with an image of Crist on it.

Mr Blifil May 4, 2010 at 1:09 am

When he looks at me that way, I feel shame.

Zorg May 4, 2010 at 3:04 am

Hey, Wonkette, maybe we can trade some of those surplus Renaissance nudes for a few items from my favorite eBay store, at:

zhubajie May 4, 2010 at 6:45 am

“original 19th century Romantics and plump Renaissance nudes”

I always figured Wonkette’s offices were decorated with antique Hustler and Playboy centerfolds.

zhubajie May 4, 2010 at 7:41 am

Don’t they have photographs that look exactly like that?

Snarkalicious May 4, 2010 at 11:56 am

[re=569456]Extemporanus[/re]: Mere coincidence? MUA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

OhBoy May 4, 2010 at 1:13 pm

Alright Chuck, hands where I can see ‘em

chaste everywhere May 4, 2010 at 1:33 pm

He looks WAY too much like Brack in “This Island Earth.”

23 Skidoo May 4, 2010 at 2:29 pm

Charlie Crist? The subject of this painting looks like he should be standing next to a giant wheel talking about having your pets spayed and neutered and what not.

BobTheBuilder May 4, 2010 at 8:45 pm

Hey folks, it’s a 7-day, money-back guarantee. Buy it, have some fun with it, take pictures of your friends with it, if you’re George Reker or Mark Foley maybe jack off to it while thinking of a guy “periodically losing and regaining tautness” – and then send the paint-by-numbers piece of shit back.

If you really trust the zero-rated Republican Party of Florida to give you your money back.

President Beeblebrox May 5, 2010 at 4:52 pm


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