Conservative granny-porn outlet Newsmax has discovered the greatest technological device ever conceived and would like to give it to you for free, because the terrorists are coming, and how else are you going to listen to Rush Limbaugh for crucial security updates from your family’s burrowed hole in the backyard? Just crank this gizmo a few times, one two three, just like that. You’re welcome. Newsmax will return in the near future with even more products from its Comically Indiscreet Attempts To Exploit Stupid Peoples’ Fears line of broken children’s toys.
TODAY IN NEWSMAX EMAILS
May 3, 2010
Hurry Up And Buy This Fancy Crank-Gear Radio From Newsmax, Before The Terrorists Kill You
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{ 47 comments }
How’s that Crankey Windey thing workin’ out for ya?
These are also sold on Coast to Coast AM (same line of toys).
While you’re crankin’ it, will it talk dirty to you?
I will personally buy several devices for reactionary acquaintances of mine if it comes with a free cyanide pill for when things get really hairy.
Can we get duct tape as well?
I’m pretty sure Newsmax readers do not have the cognitive capabilities to appreciate the irony of Newsmax using governmental advice to sell Chinese stuff to self-proclaimed real Americans who are against government.
That’s a value of almost -5.00.
Newell, between “slave-operated Sugar Caves” and “Granny porn outlets” you are winning the internets. Must be all that free booze and donuts on Saturday. Hazzzaaa!
If you overcrank, Tom Ridge will sell you some duct tape.
I love me the Newsmax e-mails.. With it’s fine balance of right wing talking points, stock “tips”, and health updates I can understand why it’s Sarah P’s favorite news outlet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Rq8Jrl5lk8
Hahaha, I own 2 of these, curtesy of my MIL who is actually not a crazy wingnut. She just thought they would be good additions to the emergency kit she gave us for our first wedding anniversary a few years back.
I’m holding out till they give away Authentic Goldtone Ameros.
if you set it up right, you can use it to detonate a bomb.
NO — THAT’S A LIE AND A BAD JOKE. IT IS NOT FUNNY. BAD KITTY!
anyway, if real terrorists had been behind the times square car bomb, the first we would have known about it would have been when it exploded.
This would look great in the subterranean bomb shelter built by my former neighbors during the Red Scare, assuming it wouldn’t be misused by the the kids who use the place now to get high.
I’d really like to know what that asterisk next to “U.S. Department of Homeland Security” references. I’m going to assume that it sources the claim to the Bush Administration DHS, because all Newsmax readers know that the Obama Administration DHS would only recommend hand-crank emergency radios that picked up nothing but ACORN Re-Education Broadcasts, which will of course be supplied at all FEMA internment camps, at taxpayer expense by mortgaging our children to the Chinese.
Because terrorists have planned in advance to blockade the world’s supply of AA batteries.
Although I have to admit cranking up the little cranky thing is sorta fun. it’s like having a wind-up toy that doesn’t go anywhere. Or do anything.
I have the Coleman model for camping. It’s not approved for use against the browns.
I’m holding out for the emissions-free Flintstones car.
Don’t hate on the crank radios! Provided you get one with metal–not plastic–gears, they last for years and work really well. Of course, you should check to ensure your particular model isn’t preset to only receive Limbaugh, especially if you’re ordering one via Newzmaxxx.
Has anybody figured out the asterisks?
Is it made in ‘Murrica or one of the socialist commie yellow people countries?
What’s the frequency, Kenneth?
Oh, here it is:
*This offer from Newsmax and this radio is not approved or endorsed by the Department of Homeland Security or the federal government.
https://www.newsmaxstore.com/nm_mag/emerg_radio3aT2.cfm
[re=569047]Prommie[/re]: I don’t think it’s entirely emissions free.
Here are your astericky disclaimery thing, working out for you:
https://www.newsmaxstore.com/nm_mag/radio_offer.cfm
Seriously what real American would want to listen to “world band radio” in a crisis?
These are a great emergency supply — with this and three rocks, you can hold down the bedsheet with SOS painted on it so the Coast Guard can come and pick you up. Also you won’t miss the lottery numbers.
Thank God for Newsmax! How else would Limbaugh be able to tell me how Obama secretly planned the attack after I duct tape my house to seal out the real world.
[re=569050]Capers[/re]: “*This offer from Newsmax and this radio is not approved or endorsed by the Department of Homeland Security or the federal government.”
Also, professional FUPA-dupa Pat Boone has a Newsmax blog! Who knew?
Of course, if Newsmax really wanted to help their readership, they could just away lithium to anyone that clicks on their website.
[re=569040]isadelia[/re]: If you expect the worst, you’ll seldom be disappointed!
Holding out for their usual offer of free Banjo with order.
This is good news for Mr. Tango.
I have several shortwave radios. But I have a solar cell powerpack, with rechargeable batteries, for each one. Because I figure that I won’t be able to get the blacks or the browns to turn a handcrank generator, as their forefathers used to do, while singing those quaint spirituals.
The only problem now is that shortwave is pretty much dead, except for that enormous station in Holland. And the entire of relying on the Dutch in the event of a World-Wide Emergency is not very reassuring.
“The Dyke’s BREAKING!!!!!” (Like we need a radio update about Rachael Maddow dancing . . . .)
[re=569074]ttommyunger[/re]: win!
But gotta love that sell line: “Terror chatter high, protect your family”!!!
ZOMG, we’re all going to diiiieeeee!
I already have one, but then it isn’t the terrorist I think of in upstate NY, rather the very cold winters and downed powerlines are my excuse.
[re=569055]Simba B[/re]: If you are listening to Rush on it, I am sure there are plenty of noxious fumes coming out.
Don’t you people ever camp? These radios are the best thing ever. Next thing you’ll be saying gold isn’t shiny and pretty just because Beck hawks it to the pleebs.
I am both in awe of and horrified by the fact that they laid the ad out to resemble forwarded emails from the crazy uncle.
Newmax sucks, yea, but crank radios are very handy in emergencies. I live in hurricane country and I have one in my hurricane supply box.
Say… this will go swell with my Easy Bake oven and my
WalMart styrofoam beer cooler.
[re=569038]Come here a minute[/re]: I worked for amanufacturer of duct tape when Tom Ridge made that annoucement. We had our best month EVER after that announcement, much like the bread and milk companies pay off the weather guys to invent snow storms. We got rid of old and written down inventory like we were owned by Goldman Saex. And, by the way, all duct tape and 6 mil poly would do during a chem attack is allow you to see your neighbors die first followed by you about 5 minutes later. So, you’d get to see what your death would look like. Nice.
Also, the Russian Communists invented the crank radio for their army. Thank you CCCP!
Do you get a copy of Going Rogue with the purchase of this device?
Does it vibrate? Silently??
Win a date with ShamWOW’s Vince on FOX!
NewSmax, the glasspipe of internet news sources.
Wingnut version of that twilight zone episode about the last man in the world: They turn on their windup emergency radios, get the robotic Glenn Beck show only during the “buy gold!” scare-mercial, suddenly they realize they cannot buy said gold because the government check’s aren’t coming any longer! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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