Michelle Bachmann Is a Star, So Let Her Shine

  Leave Michelle Bachmann alone


Barack Obama’s been getting hugs and kisses galore for the comedy routine he performed for Scarlett Johansson and other hardscrabble White House “correspondents,” but where is the adoration for Real American stage actress Michelle Bachmann? The other day she gave a masterful performance of her new Off-Broadway show, I’m Not a Betting, Casino-Type Woman, as dinner theater for some freedom-fighting Marylanders. But so far nobody’s been HuffPo’ing or Tweeting about her talents, because of sexism. Obama’s Net Neutrality monsters and Bill Ayers are totally splitting a bottle of tequila over this.

Meanwhile, a terrible liberal newspaper is making the outrageous claim that Bachmann is spending lots of money on her staff without making them do any government work. The St. Cloud Times, which is the New York Times of Bachmann’s Congressional district, says she belongs to fewer committees than her coworkers in the Minnesota delegation. Yet grew her staff salary budget by “a whopping 26.4 percent” between 2008 and 2009 — and “her congressional workload didn’t appear to change.”

One explanation for this, the Times says, is that she’s got her staffers working on reelection things instead of running-the-government things, which “makes it difficult to determine when one’s congressional duties end and campaign duties begin.”

Isn’t it more beneficial to America if Michelle Bachmann and her staff aren’t distracted by government things? America doesn’t need her votes, but it does profit spiritually from her inspiring comedy shows. Let’s not hold back one of America’s greatest performers. [St. Cloud Times]

Related

 
Related video

About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

81 comments

  1. chascates

    Only dead fish flow upstream from the navericks who are going rogue for our freedom and our troops.

  2. whiskey tango foxtrot

    Oh, is Roscoe Bartlett finally retiring? And does anyone besides me give a shit?

  3. rmontcal

    Her hand & arm motions have nothing in common with what she is saying. My favorite was the karate chop “UNKNOWN!” straight into the “I’m a little teapot” arm-handle.

  4. Geogre

    Wait. Is she growing big government, or not? Or is it government when it’s for Republicans?

    The differences between Michelle Bachman Crazy Overdrive and Victoria Jackson get slighter and slighter by the second. I know that one of them has power, and one shows her underwear a lot, but I’m not sure which. Perhaps they should both be on SNL, or at least at a carnival.

  5. FlownOver

    Lincoln→Reagan→Bachmann.

    Proof conclusive that Ee-vo-lushin’ is a Libral Lie.

  6. Beowoof

    She is all about the freedom, and taking back America. I know why she is not a casino gambling woman, it is because in roulette, you can only put your money on the black or the reds, and her choice would obviously be white.

  7. twowheeljunkie

    The glorious thing we have is not called November. It’s called Voting.

    Bitch.

  8. Troubledog

    After listening to her, you might believe “The Founders” were actual bible characters.

    Slam the brakes on this Socialism Slide.

  9. Rich Tanguy

    The only cabal of radicals are those that are gnawing on what little brain matter she has remaining.

    And I’d still hit it.

  10. edgydrifter

    Regardless of how she feels about governance, anybody who has ever looked deep into her glittering orbs of frenzy knows Michelle isn’t so keen on starving The Beast.

  11. WonderWomyn

    “In all of time, no matter how old the earth is, we have only 5,000 years of human history…”

    There is early writing from 6,000 years ago… but never mind being off by 1,000 years… and i love how she says “no matter how old the earth is” as if it were some kind of mysterious open question… you just know the young earthers are listening.

    And she talks like there are no oppressed people IN the US…Oh boy.

  12. Troubledog

    Also, yeah, totally shop that Cocks thought-balloon over her head as well. I don’t have time.

    Wait.

    Okay. Fixed

  13. RoscoePColtraine

    Wingnut speeches just aren’t the same without the 10-minute lecture on drilling for oil, and drill here drill now. She made up for it though, with the extra serving of “recorded human history.” Europeans were very primitive 5,000 years ago, apparently.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cave_painting

  14. JMP

    Isn’t using government money to fund her staff’s campaign work (or indeed, to fund her staff at all) a form of, could it be, SOCIALISM?

    [re=569119]Geogre[/re]: One’s a blonde, the other a brunette. That’s it; that’s the difference.

  15. Troubledog

    [re=569142]Rich Tanguy[/re]: And I’d still hit it. Count me in for a MMF.

  16. nappyduggs

    Here’s to her next theatrical venture; next time , with her new stage name:

    Eleanora Doucha in “Afterbirth of a Nation”

  17. HoBeaux

    “If not for the United States, where would the opressed of the world repair” your car?

  18. slappypaddy

    congressional duties and campaign duties are the same thing. been that way for a while now.

  19. toemac

    Having had the, ahem, privilege of growing up in Saint Cloud I loved the comparison of the Saint Cloud Daily Crimes and the Post. Did the rest of the entry have anything important because I was too busy laughing to keep going.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    Next to Bachmann, Leno is stimulating, thought-provoking and cliche-free. Also, Jay Leno is not growing government bureaucracy. Now isn’t there a mountainside in Turkey she needs to be at?

  21. god.was.stingy

    Sorry Wonkette, but Bachmann is so crazy that one of the ‘l’s in her first name said “Fuck it, I’m out,” and moved to Costa Rica. Hence her first name being Michele. Both those ‘n’s in her last name seem to be in it for the long haul, however.

  22. steverino247

    [re=569157]Troubledog[/re]: Well, whatever you two do, make sure a cock is in her mouth often enough that she can’t spew anymore bullshit into the Congressional Record, will ya?

  23. Extemporanus

    I no longer find shit like this the least bit amusing.

    Michelle Bachmann and her craven cohorts in Christ — as well as those chromosonally-blessed mouth breathers whom continue to elect them — fill me with such seething rage and utter dispair that I’m thisclose to getting off the couch and pretending to punch the wall about it.

    But her ilk, ultimately, are the cockroaches of American culture, and so I shall instead just sit here and drink myself into such a glorious stupor that I’ll hardly even notice the risen zombietards overrunning my godless enclave and sucking out my brain like a Serotonin-and-Scotch Slurpee.

  24. BlueStateLibtard

    Bachmann’s family farm received over $250,000 in farm subsidies, she is so full of shit.

  25. PortlandSmartAss

    “Where will the oppressed of the world repair, if not in the United States?”
    Well, Michele, it sure isn’t in fucking Arizona!

  26. Extemporanus

    [re=569153]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Also, best of luck with your re-election campaign, Roscoe!

  27. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Are you sure that was the Lincoln-Reagan dinner? From the looks of her audience, it seemed more like a Colonel Sanders Impersonators Reunion.

  28. Upthruster

    But what if the fruits of our labor allow us to be hedonists, what then? Oh yeah, then we run for congress, I forgot. Sorry, my bad.

  29. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=569153]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Hey, c’mon, gimme a break. I was going through a ‘primitvist’ phase. Don’t tease me about it; I’m very sensitive, y’know.

  30. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=569182]Extemporanus[/re]: Awww shucks, I done dribbled gravy on my Merkan flag tie.

  31. Mr Blifil

    Only God gives giant puddles of tar covering whole oceans to decimate the world, for laffs. Only God gives Michele Bachmann freedom, liberty, and the vaginal capacity to accomodate a Louisville Slugger. Only God gives (etc.)…

  32. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=569166]madtowngooner[/re]: I was thinking she has a really annoying voice, but next to Palin, she’s practically Diana Krall.

  33. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=569190]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Your cave is the envy of the neighborhood, with all those original soil on stone paintings. Suggestion: try using a different berry juice for your reds, or you could look into this new stuff, “madder.” Love the way your capture that bull’s balls btw. So realistic, with just the right amount of dangle.

  34. Extemporanus

    [re=569191]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: “Gravy”, huh? Okay, sure…

    Maybe next time you’ll remember to take it off before “mashing” Bachmann’s “potatoes”.

  35. June Cleaver 2.0

    [re=569158]Limeylizzie[/re]: Yeah, I like her suit, but I would fill it out much better.

  36. ella

    Can’t wingnuts EVER spit out more than 3 sentences without bringing God into it?

  37. Ducksworthy

    Also, she’s not on many committees because of the sexism, too. And also, would you invite her to be on Your Committee?

    Furthermore, the freedom-fighting reminded me of a question I would like to have seen asked of the heroic Nicaraguan marine teabagger: to whit “” So when you were a contra, did you find it easier to rape the nuns before or after you killed them? Or was it a little of both?”

  38. Extemporanus

    [re=569219]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: “Churn, baby, churn! Crisco inferno!”

  39. Native of SL UT

    “Pulling the rug of freedom out from under our feet”.

    You know why we are doing that? Because you assholes are walking all over our freedom, you dumb bitch!

  40. DoktorZoom

    [re=569210]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: “Love the way your capture that bull’s balls btw. So realistic…”

    Truly–like paleolithic trucknutz, they are.

  41. BOOBIES!

    After BP caps their spewing oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, could they please try capping that woman’s mouth?

  42. Jumping Jim

    [re=569118]Dolmance[/re]: She’s a twat. A twit with a cunt.

    And the reason there is no recorded human history farther back than then is that the aliens came 5500 years ago, flooded the planet and as an apology gave us writing.

    Sorry, too much History(?) Channel lately.

  43. Katydid

    I’ll give the bitch “whence” and ‘cabal.”

    Shit-fer-brains vomits out “Declaration of Independence,” triggering the cerebellums (cerebelli?) of her cabal of idiots to perform a seal clap, automatically bypassing the higher functions of the prefontal cortex, which in their case they have not got. I do not know from whence these morons cometh.

    Apologies to the seals.

  44. An Outhouse

    That was 3 minutes too long. BTW, what divinity school did she attend? She sure claims some ‘unique’ thoughts about god. Anyway, hope her family farm is enjoying my tax dollars.

  45. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    “Only God gives liberty and freedom.”

    Does that mean anything? All the dipshits seemed to nod in agreement, but I’m baffled.

  46. Katydid

    [re=569218]ella[/re]: I’d like to point out to the twat that God starves the little babies and visits upons them horrible deaths and such, but she’s not worth the effort.

  47. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Maybe she will prove herself a truly great Republican, and quit half-way through her term.

  48. JMP

    [re=569148]WonderWomyn[/re]: It’s a nice little reminder that yes, she’s one of them, a complete and total deliberately obtuse moron. There’s also a little site called “wikipedia” that she should look into – although I suppose to true believers it has a liberal bias.

    [re=569240]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: It means that she disagrees with the foundations of American democracy.

  49. Ducksworthy

    [re=569130]Troubledog[/re]: And the Constitution originally allowed us to ride dinosaurs but the evil liberals took that right away from us.

  50. GOPCrusher

    If there is a God, all the members of her Congressional District will heed her advice to not send in their Census forms. Any District that would vote for her to represent them, does not deserve to exist.

  51. King of the Dipshits

    I realize parsing what Republicans say for its literal meaning is a road to insanity but when Bachmann says the right to pursuit of happiness “is not JUST a license for hedonism, pursuit of happiness means you have the right to your labor, to what you work for” she seems to be arguing that the pursuit of happiness encompasses BOTH a license for hedonism AND a right not to be alienated from your labor. I have to admit that I am pleasantly surprised that she thinks the Founding Fathers gave us this is a radical melding of de Sade and Marx.

    I also was a little surprised by her open border policy for the oppressed peoples of the world that she seems to have announced when she asked “where do the oppressed people of the world repair” if not the U.S. Will this asylum to all people in need policy be part of the Republican platform in the midterms?

  52. sezme

    Her standup is pretty edgy as a searing satirical indictment of the wingnuts. But I’d still prefer it if she stuck to Ole and Lena jokes.

  53. TheRealJimbo

    If I can’t pull the rug of freedom out from under them, can I at least try to yank the tablecloth of liberty out from under the plates and silverware of democracy?

  54. whiterabid

    Freedom is just another word for praise Jesus.
    Freedom is a word I rarely us without praising Jesus.

  55. Tundra Grifter

    [re=569123]Beowoof[/re]: When she put all her chips out there were they Cow or Buffalo?

  56. Geogre

    Wonkette readers wouldn’t allow Bachmann to define Islam for them, I assume. Don’t let her define Christianity, either.

    The “young Earth” stuff is pretty absurd in religious circles. I should add “obviously,” but, apparently, it’s not obvious. The person screaming gets a microphone and a megaphone, while the person with details and reason doesn’t get reported in a free market press, where sensation sells papers and ads and click-throughs. For Pete’s sake, Augustine was uneasy with literal interpretations of the Bible and wondered about whether or not Noah’s Ark could have been literally true. Before Wallace (not Darwin), the organized churches were moderately comfortable with the pushing back of the Earth’s age.

    Bachmann believes human history goes to 5,000 years because there’s money in it. As Lou Reed sang, “You’d eat shit and say it tasted good/ If there was any money in it for you” (“Dirt”).

  57. momus

    First off we must settle on the spelling of her first name! Is it Michele or Michelle or dingbat? As far as I’m concerned it doesn’t matter how she spells it, we just need to be consistent.
    Second, was that guy wearing a US Flag tie? That is perilously close to desecration.
    Third, maybe a prayer to America’s god will stop the well drilled by those socialist Brits of BP from spewing our precious oil!

  58. One Flew Over the Wingnut

    Memo to dumb bitch…aren’t you one of those “people in washington”? This speech is beneath contempt…I can’t even muster the energy to snark it…she drains the life from me…I will say this though…she should receive a purple mushroom as an award for stupidity…in fact, purple mushrooms all around! $100 to whoever dick slaps the orange off Boners face.

  59. One Flew Over the Wingnut

    I always wonder…if conservatives are so contemptuous of washington, why are they so god-damned obsessed with getting government jobs? Most of these people have never held a job outside of washington…the hypocrisy just retards the brain, like Trig’s daily existence.

  60. JadedDIssonance

    [re=569115]whiskey tango foxtrot[/re]: Roscoe is a good family friend. That’s Mah Olde District! I once performed an Earth Day Celebration Song for him as a wee chorister. We were celebrating a new stamp. Oh th’ Memories.

  61. WideStance

    I get so tired of these people threatening some kind of uprising against our government. Michelle Bachmann, this is America. Love it or leave it!

  62. SaveAmerica

    Michelle is the best. It is great to see someone trying to stop all the freeloaders and special interest groups trying to steal the country from the hard working people with values and ethics. Just because the homosexuals, illegal aliens and other self proclaimed victims want special rights and money for doing nothing doesn’t mean Michelle and other quality, useful people are going to give in to loud mouths, whose only method of argument is yelling and swearing. The tea party movement is going to take back America in the elections and all the worthless people will be sent back to their dens of ill-repute. I met Michelle last week in person and she is a wonderful woman, who is trying to save this country from Obama lies and Obama zombies who do nothing but spew hate and racism at the good people of the country. Last weekends illegal alien riots were 100 times more radical and violent then the thousands of tea party rally’s in which no violent actions have occured except for the “progressive plants” who tried to sabotage the event. 70% or so of the American people see through these tactics and it will show in the next election, regardless of how many times the libs try to use the fake race card allegations. You want racism – look at the census form. Let’s stop talking about special interests and race and just treat everyone based on the content of their character and not the color of their skin. Hmmm, funny how the libs hold MLK up as their hero but they don’t follow these words of wisdom. The Obama admin is the worst thing that ever happened to the minority community, yet Obama keeps asking for their vote, like in last weeks Utube campaign speech when he asked Latinos and blacks to vote for libs in Novemeber – what a racist disgrace he is. Imagine if a GOP President asked for white votes??!! Stay strong Michelle, we and millions of others stand strong with you!!

  63. MsQuasimodo

    [re=569121]FlownOver[/re]: It’s Devo-lution, baby, Devo – see the Kent State/ Devo post. We have devolved as a country, but NOT the way the Teabaggers think we have.

  64. WideStance

    [re=570056]SaveAmerica[/re]: I thought maybe this was some kind of parody until I saw the apostrophe in “rally’s.”

  65. SaveAmerica

    Tea Party protesters are the type of people with the values that made America great in the 20th century. When America was dominating in the 1950s, 60′s, 80′s and 90′s it was not special interest groups or diversity that made us excel, it was a single minded team focus on objectives and achievements. The “progressive” movement only progresses to regressive outcomes like those in Europe where very little growth and achievement occurs anymore, and that will get worse. Celebrating abnormal and unnatural behavior is anything but progress. And to the intellectually handicapped like freak and hunchback above, using vulgarity does not make you sound any smarter than your ghetto, barrio, and trailer park wannabees like Biden, Pelosi, Reid etc. Oh wait, they only want to be like that in rhetoric, but then they snap back to reality before driving home to their multi-million dollar homes. And yes, I said drive. Biden never rode the train everyday like he said. He talked about his favorite businesses along that line, then he was informed most of those places didn’t exist anymore. What a lying threat to our own American security that guy is.

  66. SaveAmerica

    The only thing accurate about widestance is your name, standing naked above your fat homo friend. Maybe you can join a teachers union and make $20k a year as a lazy tenured teacher. I don’t have time to proofread my papers for people who don’t have the capacity to focus on the broad issues. Narrow-minded folks such as you will never be reachable in any way other than years of liberal school indoctrination, or after hanging with your friends who you want to let out of Guantanamo.

Comments are closed.