There was no news this weekend. The only thing that happened was that a local trade association held its annual banquet, which, for some reason (shameless prostitution) the entire American media establishment had to attend. Jay Leno, also. And even your Wonkette was invited to a couple of parties, pre- and post-dinner, and we are nothing if not whores. Now let’s look at some crappy photos, for it’s your Wonkette’s annual White House Trade Association Photo Tour! We’ll explain the above wiggered-out Rush Limbaugh-y thing with the purple ladies and orange furry in due time.

Your editor and Wonkette’s Moonie videographer, Liz Glover, arrived at the Washington Hilton hotel to the usual scene: hundreds of tweens, jostling for position, screaming our names and fainting. One girl had traveled 2,300 miles by tricycle just to catch a glimpse of Wonkette editor Ken Layne on the red carpet. She had to be taken to the hospital for dying after realizing that Ken wasn’t there.

Joining all the elite newspaper reporters, television pundits, Hollywood celebrities and sweat-soaked liberal bloggers was this Fifth Race, a beta-version army of Michael Jackson clones. Hmm, could this have been a “viral marketing” thing, like they’re the key puzzle piece to Lost? Again: Michael Jackson clones are the key puzzle piece to Lost?

Anyway. We went to an ATLANTIC/NATIONAL JOURNAL PARTY! No, not this Atlantic party at David Bradley’s house — the one “underwritten” by major oil and pharmaceutical companies, yikes — but the other one, the one organized in a temporary space partitioned by curtains on the bottom floor of the Hilton, where folks go to get loaded before supper. The savviest pre-partiers timed their drunkenness with such precision that later in the night, they passed out mere seconds before Jay Leno would begin reading his first notecard (“I just flew in from Vegas, boy are my…”).

The curtain walls inside the Atlantic party featured a collection of beautiful art-photos as well THIS ONE PIECE OF INSULTING ANTI-AMERICAN SMUT. You know this “photograph.” It’s that one of the local African resting his wretched feet on the British Queen’s Woode-De∫ke. Hasn’t the Atlantic’s party planner gotten that forwarded e-mail about how offensive this photo is? [Sigh.] To the white grandmother of the Atlantic’s party planner: you clearly have not been meeting your monthly chain e-mail forwarding quota, leaving the Council no choice but to consider expulsion.

As much as you’ve been enjoying all of this inane bullshit so far, we should probably tell you about some of the party’s guests. No? Well, it’s happening.

We briefly saw Timmy Geithner walk in but lost him shortly thereafter. He probably got nervous and hid behind the curtains, panicking, practicing his small talk. (“‘How do YOU do?’ No that’s all wrong… ‘How DO you…’ no, that’s just worse!… ‘I am Timothy h-h-HOW does’… GODDAMNIT I CAN’T DO THIS!”)

Otherwise: Jessica Alba and Michael Calderone (dating??). Sen. Jay Rockefeller, a very tall, confident-looking figure, thanks to four generations of carefully-managed wealthy robberbaron inter-breeding. John McLaughlin, who gave Liz one of his famous incoherent barks when she asked for a photo, just like he does on television. Kal Penn, the Muslim, and his brother, Mark Penn. Hmm… well there were others, too, but who can remember these things. Oh right, the people in the photo! That’s Liz with Greta van Susteren, wearing her one outfit, and one of those Kardashian ladies from the Twitter or whatever. And no, your editor does not know why there was a strange 10-inch-tall human peeking his head above the Polaroid on the right when Liz took this photo. Geithner? Is that Geithner?

Anyway, thank you to the Atlantic/National Journal folks for inviting us to the open bar. We’re big “Clive Crook” fans over here, but you probably get that all the time!

Let’s speed this post up… after all the fancy people with banquet tickets went inside the banquet hall for the actual banquet, your Wonkette went to the bar upstairs, where everyone went silent to watch Barack Obama make some funny jokes. Those who didn’t pass out at the start of Jay Leno’s monologue just left instead. Onward.


Liz was feeling sick and had to go home, regrettably. She’s doing alright now, so don’t worry.

Your editor stumbled on, then, to the first-ever MSNBC After Party. Which leads us to the first 100% true thing we’ve written in this entire post: IT WAS SO FUN. MSNBC just went to the Fun Store and bought a whole bunch of great shit. It’s the most fun your Wonkette has had at a party since we stopped going to Washington parties a year or two ago out of ethical despair. (Laziness, also.)

The party was held at Mellon Auditorium, which is like a big ol’ Ancient Roman temple type thing. Each large banner hanging from the ceiling featured the visage of a different David Shuster intern.

There was just so much food and alcohol at this party. About ten fully-stocked bars in addition to dozens of waiters walking around with drink trays, trying to give you fancy drinks all the time. A so-called “diner” in the back of the auditorium serving hamburgers and cheeseburgers and chicken fingers and bacon hamburgers and… milkshakes too, maybe? Other waiters walking around with food trays, trying to give you fancy foods all the time, like mini apple pies and ice cream sandwiches and sushi and “cheesesteak bites” and cookies and bags of donuts. A second-story smokin’ balcony with two open-fire s’mores bars, as well as another full alcohol bar and those drink-tray folks giving you all the drinks, still. A third-floor cockfighting ring with Cuban cigars and professional bookies, and cocks, fighting. (We made up that last one. On the other hand, we never checked out the third floor, so who knows?)

Are we forgetting something…

OH RIGHT, AND THEN KC AND THE SUNSHINE BAND PERFORMED FOR SOME REASON. It was funny and lots of old folks were dancing. Scott Brown was standing off to the side, though, sipping his drink alone, like a wallflower. No, seriously, he was. That’s the second 100% true fact in this post.

Can we just reiterate that KC AND THE SUNSHINE BAND PLAYED AND APPARENTLY ARE NOT DEAD? Far from it, actually: they are, appropriately, the #1 most sought-out entertainment act in Washington. A Republican person we met and were talking to said she sees them all the time playing gigs at various Republican fundraisers, dinners, events, etc. Republicans love KC and the Sunshine Band “almost as much as they love ABBA.”

The biggest celebrity at MSNBC’s after party was probably Dave Weigel, who interns for Richard Cohen at the Washington Post. Look at this slob, double-fisting drinks! Scandal! Spank him, Richard Cohen, spank him! (Granted Dave was only double-fisting because we asked him to hold our drink and pose for a photo of him double-fisting. But still,) Why does Dave Weigel have such a horrible, horrible drinking problem, double-fisting cocktails like this?

Other attendees included Andrew Breitbart and Mickey Kaus and some other people BLAH BLAH BLAH.

THAT’S IT. So look. Your editor had the only fun night at WHCD-related events he’s had in three years and won’t apologize for it, okay?

If anyone’s still reading, one last thing, the third and final 100% true fact in this post: MSNBC’s friendly publicist was kind enough to introduce us to Rachel Maddow, who was bartending all night. She loves your Wonkette and said she does “dramatic readings” of Wonkette posts in staff meetings. Who knew? (We just read it for the comments.) So you all should watch her show all the time and say nice things to her, in return, at “the next Wonkette party,” on 9/11.

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  1. I never knew that KC was a general in the Sri Lankan Army.

    As for the event, it sounds about as much fun as a Stargate:Atlantis convention that had no Stargate:Atlantis-related paraphernalia or speakers, leaving us just with the sad little Stargate:Atlantis fans milling around.

  2. Jim, if that had been me at that CNBC party with the booze, food, and drugs, I would have never been able to coherently write a post that long the next morning

  3. Three 100% true facts may actually break the truth-o-meter I recently installed on my desktop, oh, never mind, that was Bullfighter.

  4. Wait, so Jessica Alba was at the party, but we get pictures of that angry wrinkly Fox screamer instead? So disappointing.

    I imagine John McLaughlin just screaming “Wrong!” when asked for a picture; of course, the man in my imagination is more the Dana Carvey version of McLaughlin than the real man.

    So Rachael Maddow might be reading this, right now? That makes me nervous and afraid I’m just not clever enough; if she is, then Hi, Rachael, and I do love watching your show!

  5. If by any chance the illustrious Dr. Maddow showed any tendency towards the truly appropriate response to an overdose of KC and the Sunshine Band (which is to strip off your undergarments and swing them around your head while gargling blue margaritas), please do let your desperate readers know. I would kidnap them and deploy them accordingly. The whole damn band. Now I must go die of envy.

  6. Holy shit. Furries, Dave Weigel double fisting, KC and the fucking Sunshine Band and Jay Leno? Sorry Newell, I’d rather put pins in my eyes.

  7. Open bar and bags of doughnuts? If KC and the Sunshine band weren’t there I’d say you died and went to heaven.

    Hi Rachel! I’m minding the restraining order this time. Call me!!!!

  8. Ohmygosh, that sounds so exciting! I’m really happy you had a good time — you should get out more. Oh, and Rachel if you’re reading this, I love you and listen to your show religiously on the ipod. KC AND THE SUNSHINE BAND!

  9. [re=568895]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Somehow, I was not surprised to read that Republicans love disco; both because it’s an old-fashioned, outdated, mostly-dead genre and, you know, the gay thing.

  10. Next year’s dinner should go for the local angle & have native son & Black Flag singer Henry Rollins pumping iron on stage instead of some silly comedian.

    Did I mention he was in Black Flag?

  11. The natives frolicked to KC and the Sunshine band and gorged on donuts while MSNBC overlords Joe Scarborough and Andrea Mitchell stared down from the rafters benevolently….yeah glad you enjoyed yourself Jim.

  12. I want to know what fucker thought that Jessica Alba, Kate Hudson and Casey Affleck would be good choices for roles in “The Killer Inside Me?”

    This is an intensely gritty, ugly and violent Jim Thompson novel and they put these three lightweights in it? Casey Affleck…maybe, but Alba and Hudson? These two are always in shitty movies and their presence makes them all the more shittier.
    It’s like they’re purposely trying to destroy the legacy of one of America’s greatest Crime Noir novelists.

    They did a good job with, “The Grifters”, but this one has TOTAL SHIT written allover it.

  13. That KC setup reminds me of the ending of Rocky Horror — I expect the alien overlords to show up and cancel the whole thing. Then again I’ve been expecting that for quite some time. The home planet must be farther away than I thought.

  14. [re=568873]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]:

    Wow, are you old. I know because I am at this point a barely-animated litch, held together by medical science and arcane rituals, and if I remember “Up With People” then….

  15. The last time I heard KC and the Sunshine Band was at the Fourth of July Festival in West Palm Beach. Good to see his gigs are going upscale again.

  16. A third-floor cockfighting ring with Cuban cigars ?

    Color me impressed. I haven’t seen one of those since I use to get invited to Microsoft Xmas parties back in the early 90’s.

  17. [re=568891]JMP[/re]: Two misspellings of Rachel’s name in one post: she’s guaranteed to put you on ignore now. If this site has that feature, anyway.

  18. Oh, and the burning question is, Jim, did you finally get laid? And if not, why not? Because it’s getting to the point where some of us are thinking of taking up a collection…

  19. For the life of me, I can’t figure out the composition of the photo with the polaroids of Liz and Greta and whoever. Is there some guy holding giant polaroids up? Are the Polaroids normal sized and suspended in air by magick in front of some weird curtains with a dude there? Is there a ghost at the bottom of the picture making everything all washed out and wavy?

    So confused.

  20. [re=568873]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: Oh yeah. I remember them coming to my high school and making a big splash Up up with people you meet ’em whereever you go. Up up with people. They’re the best kind of folks I know. If more people were for people then people everywhere, there’d be a lot less people to worry about and a lot more people to care EWWWW.

  21. This dinner, and all of its parties, is a huge stinking pile of crap. It’s an embarrassement to journalism, reporting, broadcasting, and the world. It’s time never was. It’s time is certainly not now. And it should never, ever, be held again.

    These rich, spoiled, bubble-world people don’t need to force this stinking bubble-world pile-of-crap party weekend on the rest of the world, which is dealing with losing their homes, losing their jobs, and struggling to pay their bills.

    No one outside of these pyscho bubble-world B-level morons hosting these piles of crap gives a damn about this dinner, these parties, or these people. Except Betty White–everyone loves Betty White.

    Betty White was just about the only thing normal and common-sense about the entire weekend.

    But beyond the great Betty White, everything about this dinner and its concurrent parties stinks like bullshit. Huge, snowstorm-level mounds of smelly, stinking bullshit.

  22. Mmmmm Rachel Mmmmaddow…that woman is #1 with a bullet ( or Strap-on) if I ever go the lesbian route , I have seen pics of her GF and Rachel appears to appreciate we of the large bosoms.

  23. as an undercover census enumerator i had to stay sober while trolling these parties in case my 3G obama O-phone went off and i was required to report for death panel duty. but nothing happened. and you thought you had a bad time!

  24. Poor Jay Leno, why did anyone think he’d be funny when he can’t even do it at work. The only thing I see missing is Jim Carey in his biker disguise talking about all the fine _____ out here tonight.

  25. I saw KC and the SB at Disney World on Senior Night in 1976. They were booted out of the Mouse House when one of the band members tripped over a cable and said a dirty word.

    They’re still alive, too?

  26. [re=568915]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: Given a choice between Henry Rollins and the Sunshine Band, I’ll take KC every time … But I am proud that the Wonkette troops resisted what must surely have been a powerful urge to go around punching noses, kicking shins. I remember one short moment when John McLaughlin walked in front of me (GOP convention, 1992) and the blood lust was almost overpowering. Greta van Smegsthren … gee, I just don’t know.

  27. It seems Steve Clemons of The Washington Note was there, and agrees with Jim’s assessment of The Atlantic/National Journal party. He might agree re the MSNBC one as well, BUT HE WASN’T ON THE LIST! So our Wonkette (Jim) won the evening (well, Clemons ended up at a party at the French Ambassador’s house).

  28. Newell – I really wanted the food to be the #2 100% true fact of the night. Guess those little bags of donuts weren’t real after all. *sigh*

  29. [re=569049]Oblios Cap[/re]: Ironically enough, they appear to be more popular now than they were in 76. Anyone that would have admitted to listening to KC and The Sunshine Band back then would have immediately been soaked in gas and set ablaze. Kind of like how people that listen to Nickleback are treated these days. Hopefully, I will have shed this mortal coil before the day comes when Nickleback is popular.

  30. [re=568991]Mustang[/re]: that was heartless and uncalled for! How dare you bring back that horrible memory from my tender teen years?! How DARE you?!

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