Jonah will kill the oil with his webs!With this insane freaking oil rig down there shitting out all of the world’s oil at a pace that could reach six million gallons a day — the Exxon Valdez spill was 11 million gallons, total — destroying the entire Gulf Coast (again, but permanently) and sending price shocks throughout the global economy for a while, the National Review‘s in-house gimp Jonah Goldberg is getting all hot and bothered. Not so much about all that economic/environmental bunk — whatever. It’s that now Jonah will have to listen to these liberal wieners exploit this Actual Armageddon for their gay political gain, ugh.

Obviously, if I thought the oil-rig disaster was a calamity on Tuesday, I think it even more of one now. And if it really does take three months to stop the leak, the environmental catastrophe could be a mortal wound to offshore oil drilling, particularly the deep-water stuff. Three months of oil-covered birds leading the nightly newscasts. Three months of politicians hearing from their justifiably fearful constituents. Three months of environmentalists saying “we told you so.”

If it doesn’t take three months, if they get this thing fixed sooner rather than later, it’ll still be awful and critics of offshore drilling will still have ample ammo. But it’s worth noting that unless you’re going to abandon oil altogether, the case for offshore drilling — and domestic drilling generally — still has a lot of merit, even on environmental terms. Oil tankers are still way more dangerous than oil rigs. Thousands of tankers traversing the oceans raises the risks of spills considerably more than rigs close to shore.

(Hmm. Whatever oil we would get from increased drilling in America would have no effect on the number of oil tankers traversing the oceans, except to maybe increase them, because again GLOBAL OIL COMPANIES SELL TO THE HIGHEST GLOBAL BIDDER BECAUSE THEY ARE PROFIT-DRIVEN CORPORATIONS SELLING OIL, GLOBALLY.)

And yet, the ENVIRONAZIS.

Stupid liberal treefuckers and their liberal media showing liberal ducks covered in oil, which will literally happen to every duck and other animal in the region.

[The Corner]

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  1. We must have energy independence!

    Well yeah, I know you can’t really have it, but we must use less foreign oil, cuz it’ll keep the price down!

    Well, I know, if the price goes down, people start buying Hummers again and it goes right back up.
    But we must develop our own resources for independence!

    Well, I know it’s a global market and we can’t really be independent of it.

    But Haliburton needs the revenue!

    Whaddya got for that, Mister Greenjeans?

  2. See, I thought he was going somewhere good with the beginning of the sentence, “And if it really does take three months to stop the leak, the environmental catastrophe could be a mortal wound…” and then he finishes it off with “to offshore oil drilling.” Screw the seafood and tourist industries that are the main economic drivers of Gulf Coast states, not to mention the long-term environmental consequences. Weeeeeeeee only care about Exxon’s profit margin, which will still be ridiculous. God, what a pig fucker. Sorry, that’s my theme of the day.

  3. Dear Jonah:

    The very fact that Bobby Jindal–whose lips have been wrapped around ExxonMobilBPShellChevron’s cock since DAY FUCKING ONE–has declared this an epic environmental catastrophe, suggests that you should immediately STFU.

    QAE v 2.0

  4. [re=568097]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: Why must these awful liberal pricks be correct all the time?

    Jonah, we only get to say “we told you so” because the oil cheerleaders (you) have fucked up so spectacularly. But forget about that part, clearly it’s our fault.

  5. Jonah doesn’t seem to have much of a sense of scale here. Yeah, oil tanker spills may be more likely, but as bad as their spills are rig spills like this one is much, much worse, because it just keeps going and going like the Energizer bunny.

    He does actually have one good idea, though; yes, we should move towards abandoning oil altogether.

  6. As stupid as his fascism theories, but using “way more” Jonah? Ever go back and READ the shit you write? No? Cause you mumble into one of those voice-writer thingys? That’s no excuse, son.

  7. [re=568104]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: To be fair, you must note that Bobby Brown Jindal did initially offer prayers and sacrifices to his imaginary Hindu and Semitic gods, before finally choosing to ignore the soothing corporate fantasy of his oily masters…

  8. Yeah, I read conservative blogs pretty religiously for the purposes of what ought to be intellectual honesty. In practice, these blogs mostly serve to increase my blood pressure on a regular basis.

    Conservative blogs often do exactly what the post above mentioned:

    1. Pick a disastrous result of conservative policy. Or something stupid that a conservative did.
    2. Complain about the liberals who are complaining. That way, no matter whose fault the problem is, you can just complain about liberals!

    It’s a great formula, really. Oil spills? Oh, those annoying environmentalists are being annoying again. Conservative affairs? Eh, well, John Edwards. Violent/idiotic protesters? Not ours! Liberals are the violent ones! Remember the Black Panthers! Conservative racists? That’s always Obama’s fault somehow.

  9. There’s not going to be any “Three months of oil-covered birds leading the nightly newscasts.” Three days, more likely — we are a people with the attention span of gnats. But if Hopey’s government can’t get this fixed pronto, he and other Demos will take the heat for it in the coming elections, never mind whose fault it is. And if his government can get it fixed, pronto, what a bonus harvest of votes that will bring in.

  10. The convicted pedophile’s lament: “How am I supposed to rape more kids if they go puttin’ my picture, name and address up on that dang website?”

  11. Someone should run a commercial with Bible Spice saying Drill baby Drill with the oil spill in the background and then Jindal talking about volcano monitoring and why the hell are we funding THAT with pictures of all those people standing around Europe waiting for THAT to go away. Hmmmm, me thinks that would sink the Republicans for the next election.

  12. It sure is fun watching ol’ Jonah bend over backwards to avoid agreeing with people who think that we should consider no longer drilling for oil offshore because of the possible environmental consequences, or at the very least regulate the rigs we already have more closely, or anything that even vaguely hints that environmentalists might have a fucking point.

  13. I happened to be in my car this afternoon when Rush fielded a call from a guy who said that these spills are the risk we have to take if we’re going to go exploring. And yes, he actually invoked the spirit of exploration. Granted, it was more like Hernando de Soto’s type of exploring than Robert Ballard’s but I’m sure that’s just hair-splitting to the whackos.

    Anyway, Rush expanded on that theme (so to speak), and compared the forthcoming uproar over this to liberals (of course) trying to outlaw swingsets because little Jimmy bumped his head that one time. So I assume Rush is fine without his precious tilapia, grouper, shark fin soup, shrimp or anything else that comes from the Gulf — not to mention the lost income in the red states of LA, MS, AL and FL. Of course if there’s the slightest hint of oil on the beaches of Clearwater near Rush’s house, I’m sure it’ll all be President Obama’s fault.

  14. Are we going to avoid the elephant in the room here? The real question is what effect will this have on Red Lobster’s Endless Shrimp (both in availability and price)? There are a million diabetic tea baggers that will be seriously pissed you guys.

  15. Have any of the RedState / Freeper folks floated (ha-ha) the theory that the destruction of the Deepwater Horizon was an inside job, part of Obama’s plot to socialize everything? It’s such a perfect story–The Kenyan Usurper pretends to be open to expanded offshore drilling, even as he schemes (along with ACORN and Greenpeace) to create a huge “environmental disaster” that will undercut public support for said drilling. How long before we start seeing impassioned YouTube explanations (with charts!) that prove the BP rig couldn’t possibly have exploded and sunk without a controlled detonation? And are we to believe that it’s just a coincidence that the crew was lost without a trace?


  16. I was listening to a local right-wing talk radio program today and they were discussing the gulf oil spill. The radio host believes the oil spill and recent coal mine explosions are conspiracies perpetrated by Obama for the purpose of getting his cap and trade bill passed. And the worst part is that lots of people believe this shit.

  17. Gotta love them redstate assholes who are so worried about oil that they’re willing to nuke the middle east, but don’t think twice when they turn on the TV to watch NASCAR idiots drive 500 miles in a circle because THAT AIN’T A WASTE OF GAS SON, IT’S A FUEL-INJECTED TRIBUTE TO GOD, AMERICA, AND DALE EARNHARDT.

  18. I think the timing of this “environmental disaster” is suspect. Just as Congress is about to address energy and just a few weeks after Obama announces that he’s open to offshore drilling, we have this “oil spill” from an offshore drilling rig. It’s all a liberal plot to drive the price of gas up to like $10/gallon like in socialist Europe.

  19. This is what happens when you let the Brits drill for Murican oil. BP lurches from one disaster to the next. Before this, they tried to blow up their Texas City refinery. Before that, they allowed the Trans-Alaska pipeline to start leaking before starting maintenance. Several BP execs went to jail in France when they blew up a refinery there. BP promised they wouldn’t let it happen again on their watch, so they sold the refinery to INEOS.

    I believe the Sarah Pallin was once a BP employee. I don’t know if was during a time when she also would have been an employee of the Queen.

  20. “…the National Review’s in-house gimp Jonah Goldberg is getting all hot and bothered.”

    Meanwhile, the National Review’s outhouse gimp and illegal frozen burrito mule Kathryn Jean Lopez wonders what effect this calamity will have on bulk petroleum jelly prices.

  21. At what point will the Party Of Personal Responsibility take responsibility for making some stupid ass decisions?
    In November, when 99.99% of the Hispanics voters vote for Democratic candidates, will you blame the Democrats for that too?

  22. We could shove Jonah’s fat ass into the pipe, thereby stopping the leak until such time a more permanent solution can be engineered. Oh, and he can have a long snorkeling mask/tube. I’m not a monster. If two fat asses are determined to be required, Rushbo could be enlisted.

  23. How do supposed believers in market capitalism not understand commodities and their pricing / selling? Or are they ALL getting a kickback from big oil?

  24. Yeah well, they’re also talking about taking all the hair clippings from the floors of America’s barber shops and salons, and soaking up the oil with hair, which can then be easily scooped up with a pool net. They’re just cold brainstorming all kinds of shit.

  25. [re=568165]DoktorZoom[/re]: There it is again. We need a name for this phenomenon where not matter what you say as satire, no matter how crazy or outlandish you get, some conservative will say it in earnest nad beleive it is true.

  26. [re=568145]samsuncle[/re]: Oh Yeah! Completely missed connecting the dots with the coal mine explosion. Yes the conspiracy theory wigntards will really go bonkers on that.

  27. ANGERBEAR ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I’m so goddamn mad right now I don’t even want to try to be clever. Fuck!

    Where is that vicious snowbilly grifter. I fuckin’ DARE that skank to screech ‘drill baby drill ” again. God fucking damn.

    Goldberg can eat my filthy fingernails. Coke sucker.


  28. [re=568123]Hamster[/re]: No shit. Can you imagine how embarrassed we’ll all be if He shows up and we’ve gotta explain why we don’t havce more freedumz and the only way we can answer is to hand Him an underlubricated duck?

  29. [re=568176]betterDeadThanRed[/re]: Poe’s Law is what you want. Also, Reuters is now saying a second oil rig just flipped over near Louisiana. Can’t wait to see what Jonah says about that one.

  30. [re=568097]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: Unless you are into eating oily (petroleum oily, not the good kind) poison fish, crabs oysters etc. the gulf fisheries are going to be closed down for awhile longer than 3 months. The shrimp will just die so that’s OK. Oh and cleaned up means dispose of the dead carcasses and sink the visible oil to the bottom (where the crabs, oysters, fish etc. are or were).

  31. Moar shitting of BP oil on Red States nao plx.

    Maybe they should hire Sarah Palin. She once was the governor of a state that once had a large oil spill. Obviously, that means that she is the best qualified person to scream my name once I get a handful of that hair no baby don’t take off the glasses

  32. If we arrest all the libruls right now — all of ’em — then one of them is gonna have to be the one what set the oil rig on fire. CONCENTRATION CAMPS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!1!

  33. Would I be ridiculously naive for hoping that this photo really is Jonah Goldberg in an Evil Spiderman suit?

    If so, then fine… guilty as charged.

  34. The sad thing about this is that it was all so unnecessary. In our grandparents’ day, they would bring a chicken to the filling station when they needed gasoline. A return to good old-fashioned bartering will fix our energy problems just as surely as it would our so-called health care crisis.

  35. [re=568135]Elm Hugger[/re]: Make the commercial yourself. You may know someone who can help you edit. Post it on YouTube. We can’t wait for the DNC to have any good ideas about ads. YouTube reaches a lot of people.

    (And I love the idea.)

  36. [re=568207]Beowoof[/re]: Forrest Gump’s Mommy never bought him a job, did she? Although I seem to remember her whoring herself out once to get him a place in a good school.

    Lucianne Goldberg (Linda Tripp’s handler, for those tuning in 15 years late) does worse things 100 times before breakfast. Jonah’s basically The Comic Book Guy with a mother who’s an influential right-wing media thug.

  37. [re=568176]betterDeadThanRed[/re]: Poe’s Law (Nathan, not Edgar Allen): The more extreme a viewpoint, the harder to differentiate between it and satires of that viewpoint. There’s a page on TVTropes all about it.

  38. Yeah. The worst thing about lung cancer is that people use it to make the tobacco industry look bad. Where’s the fairness in that!??

  39. “Three months of environmentalists saying ‘we told you so.'”

    I was planning to use it for a lot longer than 3 months.

  40. [re=568153]GOPCrusher[/re]:

    The baggers think the GOP does badly amongst hispanics and blacks because they are not the party that promises the most free shit. In one comment I read, the fucker said that the liberals can pander all they want while the GOP gets busy fixing the economy and that this will attract voters.

  41. Laugh all you want, BP, but somebody Should Have Been Checking on your Stupid Butt when you said “the safeguards are working.” I call bullshit.
    It’s going to affect the places I eat (already having problems due to economy), as well as people I am friends with, and people I am kin to (In LA). This sucks!! Sorry I listed the places I eat first.)

    These folks are hardy, brave people who can handle natural disaster like Katrina, but HELLO! this is not a natural disaster.They didn’t check periodlcaly that those stupid valves would shut off. It’s bad enough to endanger the coastal zone, but people were killed. And mark my words, these assholes at BP, who made billions of dollars profit last year, will suffer no consequences except maybe a token fine. Meantime, 3 of the poorest states in America will be spending money they don’t have to clean this shit up. We can’t even graduate more than 60% of our high schools (inner cities)! Where the hell are we gonna get $$$$ to pay for this fucking cleanup???

    Um, oh…

    Ok. I’m off my soapbox. Rant over…. continue w/snark and ignore me.


  42. I think Jonah need to get covered in crude oil so he can better sympathize with those birds he so casually dismisses as publicity tools for the environmentalists. What a fucking fat wanker and waste of oxygen this guy is.

  43. Last time I check, we were about the 7th largest oil exporter, so this is probably Communist Chinese oil that the British Petroleum poofters were sucking out anyhow.

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