the texas delegation always comes through

Rep. Ted Poe Delivers Insane, Brilliant Rant About Illegal Brazilian Grasshoppers & Mexicans

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“Now it seems to me that if we are so advanced with technology and manpower and competence that we can capture illegal grasshoppers from Brazil, in the holds of ships that are in a little small place in Port Arthur, Texas on the Sabine River. Sabine River, madam speaker, is the river that separates Texas from Louisiana. If we’re able to do that as a country, how come we can’t capture the thousands of people that cross the border everyday on the southern border of the United States? You know they’re a little bigger than grasshoppers and they should be able to be captured easier. And maybe we need to make the guy down there in southeast Texas that captured this grasshopper from Brazil, he oughta be in charge of Homeland Security. If he’s able to do this with grasshoppers just think what he can do on the southern border of the United States.” — United States Congressman Ted Poe, Thursday, April 29, 2010. [HuffPo]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • An Outhouse

    This guy has never tried to catch a grasshopper or a Mexican. Mexicans are oilier than grasshoppers. That makes them hard to hold on to.

  • comicbookguy

    I used to catch fireflies with a mason jar. Why can’t we do that with illegals?

  • Libbygirl

    WTF happened to Texas? What happened to a kinda kooky state with awesome places like Austin and San Antonio and Gruene that had the good sense to elect Ann Richards?

  • TakingAmes

    I thought there for a minute that “grasshoppers” was a new euphemism for “wetbacks.” They get a lot of illegal immigrants crossing the border there at Beaumont, Congressman?

  • InsidiousTuna

    That’s my representative. Fuckin’ dingus.

  • Snarkalicious

    Muh cuzzin Bodean dun cawt this feller tryin to bang his daughter n’ wife in the back of an ecktendid cab Silverado, and then he dun cawt the herpes. I shore am glad he’s a minuteman.

  • rmontcal

    So what is your point, Wonkett? Are you saying that this _isn’t_ a question that someone should be asking?

  • ZombieRichardFeynman

    This is begging for a David Carradine joke but I’m not smart enough to think of one.

  • I Heart Accuracy

    Brazillians like that shit.

  • Libbygirl

    [re=567857]rmontcal[/re]: AH HA HA HA HA
    Really, do you know where you are?

  • OzoneTom

    I just know that they are delicious when fried.

  • Joehoya

    Mexicans _are_ just like grasshoppers — except they make a bigger mess when you step on them with the heel of your boot.

  • wilbro

    I do not rule out the possibility that Messicuns are predisposed to being more intelligent, on average, than Brazilian grasshoppers.

    Cow porn, also.

  • magic titty


  • Extemporanus

    Never assume that because a man has no eyes, he cannot see. Close your eyes. What do you hear?

    Do you hear your own heartbeat?

    Do you hear the grasshopper that is at your feet?

  • Scruffy_The_Janitor

    Mexicans are shorter than grasshoppers so that right there is a problem.

  • charlesdegoal

    People WHO cross the border. Not “that”. A little respect, please.

  • M Lite

    Combined with the guy who wants to put a chip in the Mexicans like he does in his dog, doesn’t this just illustrate the real beliefs of these folks; namely that these darkies aren’t really human and don’t deserve those “rights” that REAL AMURICANS do? It’s the same way that their ancestors justified slavery and segregation.

  • slappypaddy

    we could catch them if we wanted to catch them but we don’t want to catch them so we can’t catch them because we don’t want to spend the money to completely seal our borders and check everyone’s papers on the slightest premise because we don’t have the money because we spent it all on an unnecessary war on the other side of the planet and we cut taxes so we couldn’t pay for anything then we let the major investment banks wreck the currency and pour gasoline all over the money supply and play with matches because we don’t have the sense god gave a grasshopper.

    that’s why the most advanced nation ever in the history of anything can’t catch them, mr. congressman, so if you want them caught so bad, get your ass down there and do it yourself, earn your pay for a change.

  • Scruffy_The_Janitor

    Rep. Compares wont be happen when mexicans start using bags of grosshoppers to distract the grasshopper whisperer while they walk away.

  • SmutBoffin

    IT’S MATH PEOPLE! Mexicans are, like, 10x as big as grasshoppers so they are 10x easier to catch. The capture rate C (measured in milliZonas) of illegals is given by

    C = S (Ic / Ii)^2

    where S is the size of the illegal species and Ic is the intelligence of the immigration enforcement person and Ii is the intelligence of the immigrant.

    Solving for C, we find that Congressperson Poe couldn’t find an undocumented worker in a smallish paper sack.


    “And maybe we need to make the guy down there in southeast Texas that captured this grasshopper from Brazil, he oughta be in charge of Homeland Security. If he’s able to do this with grasshoppers just think what he can do on the southern border of the United States.”

    FANTASTIC IDEA! Station the bug guy on the border between Mexico and Arizona and when the ship pulls up and unloads the illegal immigrants, the bug guy can spray them all with DDT

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=567875]M Lite[/re]: If the Confederacy would have had microchips in the slaves, we’d all be talkin Murkin right now.

  • x111e7thst

    [re=567872]Extemporanus[/re]: Does the grasshopper at your feet hear the Mexican in the Sabine River?

  • Whiskeybaby

    Your move, Michelle Bachmann.

  • freakishlystrong

    Have Madame Speaker’s eyes returned back from the top of her eye sockets yet?

  • Crank Tango

    as much as I hate these assholes, I just love that they are attacking the single group that is growing within their own borders faster than they are. Gays, blacks, “elites,” I dunno, but Jose is the number one boy’s name in texas, followed closely by angel and juan. you are so fucked, grasshopper.

  • Extemporanus

    I just thought of something: Is this where Mexican jumping beings come from?!

    If so, keep fukkin that grasshopper, illegals!

    [re=567862]ZombieRichardFeynman[/re]: [re=567872]Extemporanus[/re]: I should’ve gone with a quick & dirty auto-erotically-asphyxiated arthropod quip, instead of wasting time googling Kung Fu quotes.

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    Dumbass Supreme – Ships hold: contained and small. National Border: Vast trackless desert. Besides…who tries to capture an invasive species of insect? You exterminate them.

    Oh, wait…

  • Whiskeybaby

    “We never want to get one Hispanic vote ever again, until the end of time.”
    – The entire Republican party

  • Rosie Scenario

    I suppose some of us could talk about controlling the WASPS, but that’s a pest problem for another day.

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=567849]comicbookguy[/re]: Good idea. Let’s get the Masons involved.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    An hour before landing into Sydney or Aukland, we used to walk through the cabin just cold emptying cans of insecticide into the air above everyone’s head, in compliance with the strict agricultural requirements of those bucolic nations (now the aircraft are “pre-treated” on a regular basis.) So here’s my solution: erect mist machines all along the border that continually spray immigranticide. On windy days, you’d only need to run them at 50%.

    So many illegals die in the dessert, anyway, so my idea seems more humane when you really think about it.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Q: I can catch my breath after running up several flights of stairs, why can’t the border patrol catch the illegals?

    A: Donuts. Waaaaay too many donuts.

  • Troubledog

    Skipping right past the struggling “Does it to you?” proto-meme on this one, because it reminds me of a This American Life episode where they went on patrol with the Minutemen.

    The Minutemen are white guys in 4x4s who like to drive around in the desert at night with guns. Their foes are not illegal immigrants. Their foes are the anti-Minutemen bleeding liberal fag hippies. These anti-Minutemen also drive around in the desert in the night, finding Minutemen in hiding and outing them with loud music, bullhorns, and lulzy taunts.

    So, you see, it makes it hard for the Minutemen to bring any wetbacks to justice, when hippies are finding them and yelling in Spanish, “Go a different way, my brothers, the white man waits in hiding, here by these picnic tables covered with empty beer cans.”

    Although a guy yelling in Spanish through a bullhorn over some crackin’ electric piano samba music is Muy Bueno, apparently in the minds of the Minutemen it’s a matter of timing and context. Then the Minutemen get all en fuego and they fire up the Benny Hill music while they chase each other around in the desert for a while at 2x speed.

    Then they go home and talk about how they are making the world safer.

    Apparently, not many actual Mexicans are involved in the operation.

    Here’s the original story:

  • Lud

    Homeland Security Master Po: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
    Young Caine: I hear the water, I hear the birds.
    Master Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
    Caine: No.
    Master Po: Do you hear the grasshopper which is at your feet?
    Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
    Master Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?

  • notreallyhelping

    And, just like illegals, grasshoppers make a little whirring sound when they fly.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    [re=567909]notreallyhelping[/re]: I thought they played fiddles.

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=567862]ZombieRichardFeynman[/re]: Grasshopper…if you can remove the greencard from my hand, you can stay.

  • snideinplainsight

    She asked me if I wanted a Brazilian, but it really wasn’t anything like what I was expecting –

  • paxpax

    The Rape of the Sabine Women!

  • Tundra Grifter

    So if all the Mormans prayed really really hard a huge flock of seagulls would leave their ocean homes and fly hundreds of miles inland and eat all the illegals and that would be that? So to speak? Isn’t a grasshopper just a more friendly locust?

    You betcha!

  • Tundra Grifter

    Brazil: Home to thong models and grasshoppers. Who knew?

  • Tundra Grifter

    [re=567921]snideinplainsight[/re]: Because you forgot to ask “A Brazilan what?”

  • JMP

    I’ve heard the Rep. Poe has caught a Mexican crossing the border, and killed him and stashed the body under his house’s floorboards. However, the guilt is catching up to him, as he keeps hearing the pounding beating of the man’s heart, growing louder — louder — LOUDER — until he must scream or die; and give his crime away.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Still for all time the best Brazilan grasshopper ever:

  • Crankenstank

    Which is he? Humble, or Beaumont? Because we all know you can’t be both.

  • Suds McKenzie

    This is the sound of one synapse firing.

  • ttommyunger

    Soooo, Governor Perry, when is Texas seceding? Please!

  • Lazy Media

    Let’s up the difficulty factor for the grasshopper guy. He can only detain Brazilian grasshoppers, not Texan ones, and he can’t use appearance as an excuse to examine them more closely. And….go!

  • ennui go

    Couldn’t watch, but in my head I hear “jess thank wut heecudoo onthuh suthern barder uvthuh Yoo Naated Staitz.”

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=568004]Lazy Media[/re]: So, your argument is the grasshopper guy’s record is better because he’s allowed to profile and perrom vivisections? Who’s side ar eoyu on?

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=568030]Snarkalicious[/re]: Lurn to tipe and spel, dikhed.

  • GOPCrusher

    [re=567885]Crank Tango[/re]: Well, according to Tom Tancredo, President Obama was elected by illegal aliens that can’t speak English. So this fits into that whole “We Want Our Merika Back” theme.

  • Mr Blifil

    O Ass Cancer, where are you when we need you?

  • DoktorZoom

    Wow. Given his name, I just assumed the guy was trolling, but I guess not.

  • seriesoftubescleaner

    You sir, are an idiot.

  • Jestme

    [re=567949]JMP[/re]: Ah, The Tell-Tale Grasshopper.

  • mardam422

    Then why can’t we make a good 5cent cigar!!11??//

  • AngryLagomorph

    Jesus; these are the people Republicans elect. *downs bottle of Jack*.