“Now it seems to me that if we are so advanced with technology and manpower and competence that we can capture illegal grasshoppers from Brazil, in the holds of ships that are in a little small place in Port Arthur, Texas on the Sabine River. Sabine River, madam speaker, is the river that separates Texas from Louisiana. If we’re able to do that as a country, how come we can’t capture the thousands of people that cross the border everyday on the southern border of the United States? You know they’re a little bigger than grasshoppers and they should be able to be captured easier. And maybe we need to make the guy down there in southeast Texas that captured this grasshopper from Brazil, he oughta be in charge of Homeland Security. If he’s able to do this with grasshoppers just think what he can do on the southern border of the United States.” — United States Congressman Ted Poe, Thursday, April 29, 2010. [HuffPo]

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  1. WTF happened to Texas? What happened to a kinda kooky state with awesome places like Austin and San Antonio and Gruene that had the good sense to elect Ann Richards?

  2. I thought there for a minute that “grasshoppers” was a new euphemism for “wetbacks.” They get a lot of illegal immigrants crossing the border there at Beaumont, Congressman?

  3. Muh cuzzin Bodean dun cawt this feller tryin to bang his daughter n’ wife in the back of an ecktendid cab Silverado, and then he dun cawt the herpes. I shore am glad he’s a minuteman.

  4. I do not rule out the possibility that Messicuns are predisposed to being more intelligent, on average, than Brazilian grasshoppers.

    Cow porn, also.

  5. Never assume that because a man has no eyes, he cannot see. Close your eyes. What do you hear?

    Do you hear your own heartbeat?

    Do you hear the grasshopper that is at your feet?

  6. Combined with the guy who wants to put a chip in the Mexicans like he does in his dog, doesn’t this just illustrate the real beliefs of these folks; namely that these darkies aren’t really human and don’t deserve those “rights” that REAL AMURICANS do? It’s the same way that their ancestors justified slavery and segregation.

  7. we could catch them if we wanted to catch them but we don’t want to catch them so we can’t catch them because we don’t want to spend the money to completely seal our borders and check everyone’s papers on the slightest premise because we don’t have the money because we spent it all on an unnecessary war on the other side of the planet and we cut taxes so we couldn’t pay for anything then we let the major investment banks wreck the currency and pour gasoline all over the money supply and play with matches because we don’t have the sense god gave a grasshopper.

    that’s why the most advanced nation ever in the history of anything can’t catch them, mr. congressman, so if you want them caught so bad, get your ass down there and do it yourself, earn your pay for a change.

  8. Rep. Compares wont be happen when mexicans start using bags of grosshoppers to distract the grasshopper whisperer while they walk away.

  9. IT’S MATH PEOPLE! Mexicans are, like, 10x as big as grasshoppers so they are 10x easier to catch. The capture rate C (measured in milliZonas) of illegals is given by

    C = S (Ic / Ii)^2

    where S is the size of the illegal species and Ic is the intelligence of the immigration enforcement person and Ii is the intelligence of the immigrant.

    Solving for C, we find that Congressperson Poe couldn’t find an undocumented worker in a smallish paper sack.

  10. “And maybe we need to make the guy down there in southeast Texas that captured this grasshopper from Brazil, he oughta be in charge of Homeland Security. If he’s able to do this with grasshoppers just think what he can do on the southern border of the United States.”

    FANTASTIC IDEA! Station the bug guy on the border between Mexico and Arizona and when the ship pulls up and unloads the illegal immigrants, the bug guy can spray them all with DDT

  11. as much as I hate these assholes, I just love that they are attacking the single group that is growing within their own borders faster than they are. Gays, blacks, “elites,” I dunno, but Jose is the number one boy’s name in texas, followed closely by angel and juan. you are so fucked, grasshopper.

  12. I just thought of something: Is this where Mexican jumping beings come from?!

    If so, keep fukkin that grasshopper, illegals!

    [re=567862]ZombieRichardFeynman[/re]: [re=567872]Extemporanus[/re]: I should’ve gone with a quick & dirty auto-erotically-asphyxiated arthropod quip, instead of wasting time googling Kung Fu quotes.

  13. Dumbass Supreme – Ships hold: contained and small. National Border: Vast trackless desert. Besides…who tries to capture an invasive species of insect? You exterminate them.

    Oh, wait…

  14. An hour before landing into Sydney or Aukland, we used to walk through the cabin just cold emptying cans of insecticide into the air above everyone’s head, in compliance with the strict agricultural requirements of those bucolic nations (now the aircraft are “pre-treated” on a regular basis.) So here’s my solution: erect mist machines all along the border that continually spray immigranticide. On windy days, you’d only need to run them at 50%.

    So many illegals die in the dessert, anyway, so my idea seems more humane when you really think about it.

  15. Q: I can catch my breath after running up several flights of stairs, why can’t the border patrol catch the illegals?

    A: Donuts. Waaaaay too many donuts.

  16. Skipping right past the struggling “Does it to you?” proto-meme on this one, because it reminds me of a This American Life episode where they went on patrol with the Minutemen.

    The Minutemen are white guys in 4x4s who like to drive around in the desert at night with guns. Their foes are not illegal immigrants. Their foes are the anti-Minutemen bleeding liberal fag hippies. These anti-Minutemen also drive around in the desert in the night, finding Minutemen in hiding and outing them with loud music, bullhorns, and lulzy taunts.

    So, you see, it makes it hard for the Minutemen to bring any wetbacks to justice, when hippies are finding them and yelling in Spanish, “Go a different way, my brothers, the white man waits in hiding, here by these picnic tables covered with empty beer cans.”

    Although a guy yelling in Spanish through a bullhorn over some crackin’ electric piano samba music is Muy Bueno, apparently in the minds of the Minutemen it’s a matter of timing and context. Then the Minutemen get all en fuego and they fire up the Benny Hill music while they chase each other around in the desert for a while at 2x speed.

    Then they go home and talk about how they are making the world safer.

    Apparently, not many actual Mexicans are involved in the operation.

    Here’s the original story:

  17. Homeland Security Master Po: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
    Young Caine: I hear the water, I hear the birds.
    Master Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
    Caine: No.
    Master Po: Do you hear the grasshopper which is at your feet?
    Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
    Master Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?

  18. So if all the Mormans prayed really really hard a huge flock of seagulls would leave their ocean homes and fly hundreds of miles inland and eat all the illegals and that would be that? So to speak? Isn’t a grasshopper just a more friendly locust?

    You betcha!

  19. I’ve heard the Rep. Poe has caught a Mexican crossing the border, and killed him and stashed the body under his house’s floorboards. However, the guilt is catching up to him, as he keeps hearing the pounding beating of the man’s heart, growing louder — louder — LOUDER — until he must scream or die; and give his crime away.

  20. Let’s up the difficulty factor for the grasshopper guy. He can only detain Brazilian grasshoppers, not Texan ones, and he can’t use appearance as an excuse to examine them more closely. And….go!

  21. [re=568004]Lazy Media[/re]: So, your argument is the grasshopper guy’s record is better because he’s allowed to profile and perrom vivisections? Who’s side ar eoyu on?

  22. [re=567885]Crank Tango[/re]: Well, according to Tom Tancredo, President Obama was elected by illegal aliens that can’t speak English. So this fits into that whole “We Want Our Merika Back” theme.

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