FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS  10:24 am April 30, 2010

Wall Street Assholes Will Eat Your Cushy Middle-Class Job

by Josh Fruhlinger

NOM NOM NOM TEACHERS ARE TASTYOnce General Secretary Obama and Chief Commissar Pelosi have banned all capitalist activity more advanced that barter and turned Lower Manhattan into a giant open-air market for selling organic produce and hemp blankets, what will become of the tightly wound young men who made all that money for you and me, right up until the point where they destroyed America? You were probably hoping that, having no other skills, they would literally die, after being knifed by hobos in a fight for the least filthy spots under the freeway overpass. But it turns out that they’re just going to take away your jobs (assuming, of course, that you still have a job, after they destroyed the economy.) Read on to find out how you can defend yourself! (Hint: You cannot, they are relentless and unstoppable.)

John Derbyshire posts an e-mail that is “going around Wall Street this morning” over on the Internet’s #1 blog, in which some nameless stockbroker threatens to become an actual migrant worker, taking the jobs away from ordinary Americans. We reproduce it here in full, because why not.

We are Wall Street. It’s our job to make money. Whether it’s a commodity, stock, bond, or some hypothetical piece of fake paper, it doesn’t matter. We would trade baseball cards if it were profitable. I didn’t hear America complaining when the market was roaring to 14,000 and everyone’s 401k doubled every 3 years. Just like gambling, its not a problem until you lose. I’ve never heard of anyone going to Gamblers Anonymous because they won too much in Vegas.

Well now the market crapped out, & even though it has come back somewhat, the government and the average Joes are still looking for a scapegoat. God knows there has to be one for everything. Well, here we are.

Go ahead and continue to take us down, but you’re only going to hurt yourselves. What’s going to happen when we can’t find jobs on the Street anymore? Guess what: We’re going to take yours. We get up at 5am & work till 10pm or later. We’re used to not getting up to pee when we have a position. We don’t take an hour or more for a lunch break. We don’t demand a union. We don’t retire at 50 with a pension. We eat what we kill, and when the only thing left to eat is on your dinner plates, we’ll eat that.

For years teachers and other unionized labor have had us fooled. We were too busy working to notice. Do you really think that we are incapable of teaching 3rd graders and doing landscaping? We’re going to take your cushy jobs with tenure and 4 months off a year and whine just like you that we are so-o-o-o underpaid for building the youth of America. Say goodbye to your overtime and double time and a half. I’ll be hitting grounders to the high school baseball team for $5k extra a summer, thank you very much.

So now that we’re going to be making $85k a year without upside, Joe Mainstreet is going to have his revenge, right? Wrong! Guess what: we’re going to stop buying the new 80k car, we aren’t going to leave the 35 percent tip at our business dinners anymore. No more free rides on our backs. We’re going to landscape our own back yards, wash our cars with a garden hose in our driveways. Our money was your money. You spent it. When our money dries up, so does yours.

The difference is, you lived off of it, we rejoiced in it. The Obama administration and the Democratic National Committee might get their way and knock us off the top of the pyramid, but it’s really going to hurt like hell for them when our fat a**es land directly on the middle class of America and knock them to the bottom.

We aren’t dinosaurs. We are smarter and more vicious than that, and we are going to survive. The question is, now that Obama & his administration are making Joe Mainstreet our food supply … will he? and will they?

In other words, all that talk about how corporate CEOs and Wall Street execs need sky-high compensation in order to entice them to work so hard is utter bullshit. Apparently there is a class who is just genetically predisposed to working with insane intensity for 18 hours at a stretch, and will do so whether it’s lucrative or not. We need to capture these people and harness them to solve our energy problems, possibly by making them run in giant hamster wheels.

The bit at the end about “making Joe Mainstreet our food supply” is fairly troubling, however. We will need many armed guards to make sure these stockbroker-zombies do not break free from their hamster wheels and devour our children under the pretext of “hitting grounders to the high school baseball team.”

(Thanks to Wonkette tipster hero “Nick” for bringing this horror to our attention.)

 
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{ 103 comments }

Mr Blifil April 30, 2010 at 10:28 am

Angry Anger Bear is Angry.

Hoverboy April 30, 2010 at 10:31 am

Terrifying!

Barry White Zombie April 30, 2010 at 10:31 am

Oh noes! They are going to get jobs that contribute to advancing the human cause! Also, asswipe who wrote this email: you should have had enough economics to know about the “lump of labor” fallacy.

PS. You think you work hard? Bring it, bitches. -the scientists

Crank Tango April 30, 2010 at 10:32 am

So this asshole with no skills thinks he is going to take MY job? Good luck with that, asshole. Here’s your first job: va te faire voire chez les grecs, connard.

mynameisdetroit April 30, 2010 at 10:34 am

A Fury Grows in Murray Hill.

Mr Blifil April 30, 2010 at 10:35 am

Our money was your money. You spent it.

And this dude is going to teach third grade? My daughter spent the entire last week prepping for the third grade standardized math test. Believe me if the word problem was “Wall Street douchebags inveigled people to invest in esoteric financial instruments, promising eternally growing returns, while reaping large fees and receiving bonuses based on how ruthlessly they were willing to defraud people. Then they bought large houses, went on nice vacations, and bought multiple-diamond whores for sexytime. Then the market tanked and investors lost their investments. Solve: Who got to spend the money?” she’d figure it out. Well, OK she might get tripped up by the word “inveigled.”

GeneralLerong April 30, 2010 at 10:35 am

What, nothing about Viking helmets and pirate eye patches?

JMP April 30, 2010 at 10:36 am

You know, Mr. Angry executive, most schools and other places would quickly fire obvious sociopaths, so know you can’t run in and take everyone else’s jobs.

You also are not smarter than other people; many others are as smart or smarter that you Wall Street creeps but have the empathy and human decency that you lack and so don’t work there, but instead do something that’s actually useful for society. Money does not equal intelligence, ass.

PineyWoodster April 30, 2010 at 10:36 am

Meh, I’ve shot, field dressed, and eaten bigger jerks than him.

Hemp Dogbane April 30, 2010 at 10:37 am

“Do you really think that we are incapable of teaching 3rd graders and doing landscaping?” This is a trick question. He’ll have the 3rd graders doing the landscaping.

Ruhe April 30, 2010 at 10:38 am

The irony free conflation of Wall Street and Vegas in that first paragraph is just staggering.
The guy is right. The quants are smarter than the rest of us. They were smart enough to figure out that investing in growth and waiting for dividends and incremental increases was for suckers and the real money was just waiting to be taken by anyone with the brains and balls to work the system as though it were just a big casino.
I guess if we ever manage to end the demand for illegal drugs the guys in that business will come to steal our jobs and eat us too.

JMP April 30, 2010 at 10:38 am

It would be strange to see a kindergarten where kids were given a “time out” for sharing, and the teacher egged on fights instead of breaking them up. But I wouldn’t want my hypothetical kids there.

Simba B April 30, 2010 at 10:38 am

Apparently there is a class who is just genetically predisposed to working with insane intensity for 18 hours at a stretch

Nah, it’s called cocaine, and it’s a hell of a drug.

magic titty April 30, 2010 at 10:39 am

Have you ever seen a banker fight? No need to fret, people.

BlueStateLiberal April 30, 2010 at 10:42 am

“We would trade cow porn if it were profitable.”

This has to be the funniest thing Wonkette has ever posted. “I am going to be washing my own car from now–take that!” Oh by the way, nitwit, most states are laying off teachers, good luck with that.

Mahousu April 30, 2010 at 10:43 am

How about we have Arizona swap its immigrants for Wall Street’s stockbrokers? Both sides should be happy, then – Arizonans wouldn’t have to see as much melanin in their gardeners, and Wall Street wouldn’t have to see as much rampant greed and dishonesty on its trading floors. Win-win.

grendel April 30, 2010 at 10:45 am

Oh noes! Wall street charlatans who know nothing but cooking books 24 hours a day are going to “go Galt” on us! Whatever will we do? Who will make our… nothing? Who will produce our… meaningless paper worth that blows away in a stiff economic breeze?

Face it anger bear, you do nothing but line your own pockets.

The most telling was when he said he’d have to make a modest low wage of $85k. LOL out of touch much?

Way Cool Larry April 30, 2010 at 10:47 am

What an amazing asshole. Does he even know what the average teacher makes? 85K my ass. He’s so full of shit, it’s hard to believe someone like this can exist.

Roger Williams hates your ways April 30, 2010 at 10:47 am

Patrick Bateman, is that you?

Berkeley Bear April 30, 2010 at 10:49 am

Dumbass thinks you get an “extra 5k for hitting grounders” over a summer? More like you get 5k a year for running the whole athletics departments at most schools these days (unless you are the football coach in Texas, in which case the illegal payments make up a nice bundle). College professors in anything other than cutting edge hard sciences start at $40K these days, and that’s with a PhD. Elementary school teachers make less than that starting out, unless you include almost impossible to get gigs in flush school districts. Yes, if you get a gig in a law or MBA program you’ll start in the 80K range, but right now there’s an absurd imbalance of qualified people to jobs, and the skill set of a trader ain’t exactly compatible with teaching and writing academic work.

Moran – we don’t need him nearly as much as he thinks.

freakishlystrong April 30, 2010 at 10:49 am

Somehow, I don’t see surly McWhity pants there picking lettuce, get my drift?

x111e7thst April 30, 2010 at 10:50 am

[re=567624]magic titty[/re]: Word

Alex_P April 30, 2010 at 10:52 am

Dear Mr. Wall Street,

Sure, you know how to spend 18 hours a day writing entitled screeds fueled by Reaganomics. But, to succeed in the world of conservative blogging, you’ve got to have a really compelling angle — like K-Lo’s porn fixation, Jonah’s fascist denialism, Erick’s obsession with mailing geegaws — to bring in the crowds.

I suggest dialing the cannibalism imagery up to 11. Like this: “DEAR OBAMA NATION, I WILL RAPE-EAT YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN WITH MY FAT ASS”.

Good luck at your new job!

– Alex

GeneralLerong April 30, 2010 at 10:52 am

If they really had big swinging dicks, they’d go down to Mexico and take over the drug cartels.

rambone April 30, 2010 at 10:52 am

I’m gonna go ahead and assume that the emailer recently watched Spose’s “I’m Awesome” video but missed the irony.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYws8biwOYc&feature=channel

An American in Toronto April 30, 2010 at 10:52 am

I, for one, can’t wait for the PRO-Wall Street marches against those Fat Cat landscapers and schoolteachers. Stick it to those WalMart greeters too, while you’re at it.

And where ARE these landscapers making $85K anyway? Clearly, I had them pegged all wrong.

ForTheTurnstiles April 30, 2010 at 10:57 am

[re=567644]An American in Toronto[/re]: If you see a landscaper making that kind of green, ask for his fuckin papers already.

Waldo Geraldo Faldo April 30, 2010 at 10:58 am

The funny thing (besides everything this fella wrote) is that he’s not even qualified to teach 3rd grade.

Incidentally, this guy doesn’t have time to take bathroom breaks, but does have the time to write pseudo-Charles Bronson revenge fantasies.

Ruhe April 30, 2010 at 10:58 am

What’s really scary is that throughout the Great Recession some of the Hedge Funds who helped create this mess have made huge profits because they had plans in place to short the marked when the (inevitable) tanking started. Nothing succeeds like success, so unless Congress can pass actual effective regulatory reform all the Wall Street Fight Clubbers who blew up in ’08 will find a way to get back in the business and emulate the guys who cashed in. We see our money as “investment”. They see it as “chips”.

Mr Blifil April 30, 2010 at 10:59 am

I wonder if John Derbyshire knows anything about the provenance of the email. Surely John Derbyshire must know a John Derbyshire-approved IT guy or two who could, oh I don’t know, take 5 minutes to discover the original IP address of John Derbyshire’s Mr. Anonymous. John Derbyshire should really consider doing a follow up. That way John Derbyshire’s name would become even more closely associated with this John Derbyshire exclusive, so much so that people might even take the opinions of John Derbyshire’s anonymous hero as John Derbyshire’s own views. If I were John Derbyshire writing a John Derbyshire column, that’s what I would do. I wonder if John Derbyshire is reading this right now.

WadISay April 30, 2010 at 11:03 am

This bitch should move to Massachusetts, where he can gay-marry his money.

Jerri April 30, 2010 at 11:04 am

Fucker wouldn’t last a day in retail. Those old lady customers with their “where’s my senior discount?” and “is this going on sale?” and “are you the one who’s waiting on me?” are enough to destroy even the hardiest soul. Those old girls would eat him alive. Factor in yuppie mothers with control issues and no brains and the bus ride to work…put that on TV and cook me up some hobo beans over the garbage fire while I watch you take my precious precious job.

Also: Hahaha, hour long lunches. Vacation! Unions! Insurance! Oh, it is to dream.

Damn it, my life sucks. Where’s my work booze?

jjgittes April 30, 2010 at 11:04 am

Blissfully-unaware self-immolation: always entertaining. It’s so galactically stupid that I’m starting to wonder if he isn’t a plant from the Center for American Progress or something.

Troubledog April 30, 2010 at 11:07 am

Hilarious troll is hilarious.

TakingAmes April 30, 2010 at 11:12 am

Pig fucker.

Terry April 30, 2010 at 11:12 am

“Do you really think that we are incapable of teaching 3rd graders and doing landscaping?”

Actually, that’s exactly what I think.

Naked Bunny with a Whip April 30, 2010 at 11:13 am

So now that we’re going to be making $85k a year without upside

Thus joining the Poors, I guess.

TGY April 30, 2010 at 11:15 am

In psychological compensation theory, see narcissism.

I Heart Accuracy April 30, 2010 at 11:16 am

This guy is going to make an awesome prep cook some day.

Gorillionaire April 30, 2010 at 11:16 am

This douchebag is more than welcome to the jobs I had after college – busting up fights in the state psychiatric ward, teaching smelly middle schoolers how to read 3rd grade English, or compiling evidence for the saddest family abuse cases in the universe. Oh yeah, great great paying jobs there too, douchebag, hell, enough to buy a decent used car every four years probably. Come and get it. Turnover is pretty fucking high, you could probably get all three jobs today. Do it now.

Troubledog April 30, 2010 at 11:17 am

We are Times Square. It’s our job to make money. Whether it’s a half-and-half, around-the-world, happy ending, or a hand job behind Krispy Kreme, it doesn’t matter. We would suck dog cocks if it were profitable. Everybody takes it for granted when you get solicited by a whore every ten seconds out there, but now that Obama is taking us whores off the streets, taking away our God-given rights to pursue peaceful commerce as the Founders intended, the government and the average Joes are still looking for a scapegoat. God knows there has to be one for everything. Well, here we are.

JMP April 30, 2010 at 11:18 am

[re=567659]Jerri[/re]: I would like to see this anonymous piece of shit actually try some of these jobs he claims he could do; where he has to be surrounded by normal people instead of other douchebags with super-sized egos. He (and it’s almost certainly a he; Wall Street’s one of most sexist places in America) would quickly learn that people don’t like guys who think they’re better than everyone else, especially when it’s completely unearned.

Oh, and judging by his attitude, I think most waiter/waitresses would glady forgo his 35% tips (yeah right, only if the company’s paying; otherwise he probably tips 10% at most) if it meant not having to deal with him.

Naked Bunny with a Whip April 30, 2010 at 11:18 am

[re=567616]JMP[/re]: I’m still trying to figure out how working 18-hour without taking breaks to eat or go pee is a sign of advanced intelligence.

AngryBlakGuy April 30, 2010 at 11:19 am

…this reminds me of the time when I was 12 years old and Bobby Jones wasnt able to give me the Nolan Ryan rookie card that he promised and I had to foreclose on his parents house! Awwwwwww, sweet memories of childhood!!!

obfuscator April 30, 2010 at 11:20 am

“will he? and will they?”

i don’t know, anonymous wall streeter. does it to you?

i’d take a short position on this email being real.

Plasmasmell April 30, 2010 at 11:22 am

Imagine his classroom:
It is 2 a.m. Joe Wallstreet is pacing like a jailed tiger, recapping his spittle-flecked tirade on fractions for the tenth time. By God, he will not leave his post until Suzy Johnson knows the sum of 1/4 and 1/8. An hour ago he pissed in a bottle, drank it, and called it dinner. He knows how to hold a position.

Thirty children weep before him with soiled pants.

Cape Clod April 30, 2010 at 11:26 am

And at the end of the letter, his huff came and he left in it.

BaconTime April 30, 2010 at 11:26 am

“Do you really think that we are incapable of teaching 3rd graders and doing landscaping?”

What does he think a teaching job entails, exactly?

Troubledog April 30, 2010 at 11:27 am

[re=567677]obfuscator[/re]: Concur. Kudos to whomever trolled Lord Whiteness with this fiction.

DoktorZoom April 30, 2010 at 11:27 am

[re=567620]Ruhe[/re]: “The irony free conflation of Wall Street and Vegas in that first paragraph is just staggering.”

This–plus, as I’m sure he knows, even the casinos throw out anyone who they catch counting cards.

BOOBIES! April 30, 2010 at 11:28 am

Mr. Derbyshire deserves to work in a hospital cleaning bed pans and mopping up vomit for 14K a year. Supervising a class of third graders for a week would kill him – the ADHD kids, the kids who try to kill or molest each other, the kids who have asthma, seizures or allergies, the kids who don’t sleep, the kids who won’t shut up and pay attention, the kids whose parents abuse them, the kids with dyslexia, the kids who tell him to go fuck himself, the kids whose parents don’t care whether the kids live or die. He doesn’t have a clue what it is like to live in the real world.

Naked Bunny with a Whip April 30, 2010 at 11:29 am

I make half of this guy’s imaginary 85K downgrade, yet I still tip 25% – 35% because being wait staff sucks bigtime and I’m not a douchebag. Though I’m wondering how it even comes up,m what with Wall Street troll boy constantly working. Must be hard keeping your story straight, huh?

DoktorZoom April 30, 2010 at 11:30 am

[re=567685]BaconTime[/re]: Derbyshire TeaBaggins cleaned up the original email, in which the Wallstreeter brags of “teaching 3rd graders to do manscaping.”

snideinplainsight April 30, 2010 at 11:33 am

Uhhh… the thing he’s missing here is that he’s NOT a scapegoat. Wall Street really did blow itself up. No teacher or landscaper caused Leman Brothers to collapse – they have no one to blame but themselves. They lobbied and lobbied for decades for deregulation, and when Glass-Steagall went, and they invented a bunch of new instrument types that had no oversight or regulation at all, they played as if gravity itself had been repealed, untly they imploded a huge chunk of the economy, and it took all of Wall Street’s trust and credibility with it.

That’s the part the people on the other side of the aisle never get, no matter what kind of geniuses they call themselves. If it doesn’t have a price tag on it, they don’t believe it has value. Whatever value there was in forthright political discourse, turd blossom calculated it was more expedient to lie about everything and play to the cameras rather than actually engaging in discussions of ideas. Whatever value there was in an independent and vigilant fourth estate, it couldn’t possibly be worth what could be gained in the short term by wiring up your own fake news channels and echo chambers. Whatever value there was in the credibility of the entire US intelligence apparatus, W traded it away wholesale in one morning at the UN, in order to pursue his own little vendetta against Saddam. The credibility and trustworthiness of Wall Street, the real value of which included bringing a lot of long term investment from foreign sources into the country, was really embedded in the regulation and transparent business practices, isn’t on anybody’s quarterly statement but you’ll surely recognize that now its gone and it might be decades, or never, that it could be built back to what it once was.

Sorry, I’m low on snark this morning -

Jerri April 30, 2010 at 11:36 am

[re=567674]JMP[/re]: I know! Put that shithead behind the counter on the night shift at a 24 hour Walgreens and let’s see how he does. Or how about on the assembly line at a factory, if you can find one. Let him manage an Auntie Annie’s at the mall, or go be a government clerk, or a high school math teacher, or if you want to have some extra-fun fun, make him be an executive assistant to a smug prick.

35% tip! Yeah okay, guy. And I’m the Queen of Sheba.

mercure April 30, 2010 at 11:36 am

[re=567669]TGY[/re]: God damn it. You stole my comment. Guess you’re the high-achieving broker who’s going to come steal my job, and I’m the lazy slob who needs to be a bit quicker on the draw if I want to survive in the highly competitive world of Wonkette.

yellowerdog April 30, 2010 at 11:36 am

In his cosmology, making ’85K without an upside’ is a nightmare scenario! Oh, the horror!

JMP April 30, 2010 at 11:36 am

[re=567675]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Because the rest of us little people don’t realize we’re wasting time by going to the bathroom instead of pissing our pants; it makes us dumb apparently.

This guy reminds me of the worst job interview I ever had. It was for a law firm that did corporate real estate work, and he said he liked gone to a top undergrad college but then said he wonder if there was something wrong with me because I didn’t go on to work for one of the big financial firms immediately afterwords and went to a state law school. Guy was a total douche and I realized I had no desire to get that job.

gjdodger April 30, 2010 at 11:38 am

[re=567652]Mr Blifil[/re]: I presume Koch Industries paid John Derbyshitheel to concoct this asswipe fantasy and then to promote it as coming from a real Wall Streeter. Rick Santelli, you’re so 2009.

marinmaven April 30, 2010 at 11:39 am

This guy reminds me of Sean Hannity when he was claiming that water boarding wasn’t torture and offered that he could do it. We all know he chickened out. I bet this guy would crack in a couple of hours of doing real work. It is easy to work 15 hours a day when you have a staff like your assistant, IT staff, and office manager supporting you. Sitting in a cushy desk job doesn’t quite prepare you for picking strawberries while pesticides being sprayed down from above, or dealing with a classroom of bored kids, working at a slaughterhouse, or landscaping. This guy probably doesn’t even know what to do when something goes wrong with his computer – none of them do. They would be hopeless in an office position.

To those who wanna “Go Galt” just go ahead already. Go. Given the economic downturn you caused, we would be better off without you.

JMP April 30, 2010 at 11:41 am

[re=567698]snideinplainsight[/re]: This guy makes me low on snark too. Why can’t these cretinous fucks who caused this recession have the shame and decency shown by their predecessors who caused the Great Depression, follow their example and defenestrate themselves?

Darkness April 30, 2010 at 11:41 am

News flash, Mr. Gambles With A Computer Mouse with Someone Else’s Money And Calls It A “Productive” Activity. Those buy-outs you funded shutdown the innovative medium sized businesses in our state. Where do you think you are going to get one of those jobs, exactly, again? The money you funneled to your personal accounts is money sucked out of the hands of entrepreneurs. Maybe you missed this recent chart on the 12 monitor screens that apparently damaged the connections between what was left of your non-sociopathic brain cells but the trough to trough growth over the last nine years was 1%. That ONE PERCENT. The population grows at 1% per year, so we done nothing but get dragged down by deregulating you delusional thieves. You and your ilk are nothing but vampire leaches concentrating wealth for a few and leaving the real engines of the economy short on resources.

The real engine of the economy is small business, Bitch, you know the ones who work the same fucking hours you do but get to mortgage their house for liquidity to avoiding firing their key people when times get tough. You want to work a real job that actually fucking makes something? I’d love to see you try. That would be good for a few months of laughs.

ArugulaTeleprompterz April 30, 2010 at 11:41 am

[re=567630]grendel[/re]: Yeah, I was wondering what teacher/landscaper combo career paid $85K. If I could make $85K trimming hedges in the sun all day, you can bet your sweet bippy I’d never sit in a cubicle doing soul crushing hell-work for my corporate overlords ever again.

canadasteve April 30, 2010 at 11:42 am

[re=567642]GeneralLerong[/re]: Hear, hear.

BaconTime April 30, 2010 at 11:43 am

Hah, jokes on you libs I’ll just be a high school baseball coach who pulls $85K

proudgrampa April 30, 2010 at 11:43 am

Guano faucet.

BaconTime April 30, 2010 at 11:44 am

[re=567715]ArugulaTeleprompterz[/re]: argh, beat me to it you elitist green leaf

edgydrifter April 30, 2010 at 11:44 am

So what? This is nothing more than the fabled “this isn’t over!” wail of a loud-mouthed punk who just tasted his first mouthful of dirt. Waaaa waaaa! All bang and no bullet–a teabagger with thesaurus. Memo to this guy and his enraged LNS fuckface breathren: my lawn isn’t going to mow itself, so shut up and get to it, stud!

JMP April 30, 2010 at 11:45 am

[re=567702]Jerri[/re]: Oh, high school would be good. The third grade thing he suggests would be a horrible thing to do to those poor kids, but high school kids would eat him alive; they’d be using their evil ways for good for once.

Lascauxcaveman April 30, 2010 at 11:51 am

Now that all the Wall street Traders have lied and cheated themselves out of a job been screwed by main street middle class, they can earn a living by selling shit on eBay taking ours away!

canadasteve April 30, 2010 at 11:52 am

I love the smell of raging self-entitlement in the morning.

TheWaltonFirm April 30, 2010 at 11:58 am

I work a white-collar-ish job and theres a lot of free floating dickishness fuelled by our latent puritanism, making us feel guilty that we have a job that is fairly easy, (even when we do work overtime, it is not difficult work) people say a lot of dumb shit when they are trying to cover their shame in this reguard, and this guy is just a hugely overblown example of that.

Lascauxcaveman April 30, 2010 at 12:10 pm

I’d like to see one of these Wall Street cupcakes try to last a single morning with the landscaping crew I used to foreman. The ones who spend a lot of time in the gym might make it to lunchtime – maybe.

Starts at 9 bucks an hour, cupcake. Bring your own gloves and steel toed boots if you want to still have use of your hands and feet at the end of the day. And speaking of which, we lay you off for three months every winter, so you are a ‘seasonal’ employee and therefore not qualified for the company health care plan. Maybe ObamaNation can do sumpin’ for yeh there, heh heh.

geminisunmars April 30, 2010 at 12:12 pm

So this is what a Wall Street Whino sounds like.

Bo April 30, 2010 at 12:15 pm

I want to know what he thinks of the intelligence of Black people. Can Wonkette ask him, for Journalism’s sake?

Cape Clod April 30, 2010 at 12:16 pm

Love the cannibal banker suit, Josh, but this post is just screaming for the wailing baby photo.

Zadig April 30, 2010 at 12:19 pm

[re=567674]JMP[/re]: For reals. The only people who tip 35% are the ones who have been waiters.

JMP April 30, 2010 at 12:20 pm

[re=567754]TheWaltonFirm[/re]: But this is a Wall Street guy; unlike other white collar folks, they do not have senses of guilt or shame. Remember, these were the guys who saw a satirical movie that lambasted them with a character giving a speech praising greed, and they actually thought it was praising them.

Naked Bunny with a Whip April 30, 2010 at 12:25 pm

[re=567778]Zadig[/re]: My sister was the waitress, but close enough.

sham69 April 30, 2010 at 12:27 pm

Here are the facts Mr. Wallstreet pussy-boy:

1. You couldn’t do any of our jobs. You don’t have the knowledge, skill or backbone.

2. You have spent years sitting on you flat, doughy ass bringing the world economy to the brink of disaster. I play organized baseball, run 3 to 5 miles a day and have been places you don’t even know exist. If you step to me, I will fuck you up.

sham69 April 30, 2010 at 12:36 pm

[re=567791]sham69[/re]: I would add that high school baseball coaches haven’t hit gounders for a decade. They use a machine which this douchebag wouldn’t know how to operate. The ones at my son’s school are ex-pro players too, so I think their jobs are safe from this dickweed.

phildeaux April 30, 2010 at 12:45 pm

“We get up at 5am & work till 10pm or later. We’re used to not getting up to pee when we have a position. We don’t take an hour or more for a lunch break.”

He would be perfect for my WOW guild.

Mostly_Harmless April 30, 2010 at 12:52 pm

It’s not real. Just John Derbyshire masturbating about being a man-whore. This says waaaaaay more about his sociopath fantasies than anything else.

“nameless stockbroker”… Bullshit. Anyone that writes this sort petulant penis-thrashing would definitely want everyone to know who he is.

In the 1% chance it’s not… HA! He doesn’t even have the courage to author an email let alone DEVOUR YOUR SOULS.

Anger comes from being powerless.

engulfedinflames April 30, 2010 at 1:04 pm

“It’s our job to make money” my head is spinning from simply reading such utter nonsense, the authors cranium must resemble a gyroscope.

Kuda Bux April 30, 2010 at 1:05 pm

How is this not signed “I’m Kenny Fuckin’ Powers!”

YesWeKant April 30, 2010 at 1:07 pm

He’s going to wash his own car, guys. I think we better take him seriously.

HuddledMass April 30, 2010 at 1:08 pm

This guy is a dick. A dumb dick. That is all.

YesWeKant April 30, 2010 at 1:10 pm

[re=567859]engulfedinflames[/re]: Agreed. Someone that runs a printer at the US mint can also claim that it’s his “job to make money” and, really, the US mint employee’s claim would have more merit than this asshat’s.

jingajo April 30, 2010 at 1:30 pm

The impotent rage of Mr. Wall Street here is absolutely delicious.

GOPCrusher April 30, 2010 at 1:43 pm

What’s with all the anger? First we have the Teabaggers “If you vote for health care reform, we will cut your gas line or shoot you with our guns.”, now this bullshit?
I hope the author of this screed feels better, because I would be willing to bet, it did not change the opinion of the American public toward Wall Street one iota.

brown unicorn April 30, 2010 at 1:46 pm

This douche has it all backwards…OUR money was his money. Who’s money did he think he was getting rich off of, anyway? Now he lost it all because he is a boner.

geminisunmars April 30, 2010 at 1:48 pm

[re=567926]GOPCrusher[/re]: You mean that didn’t move you to feel profound empathy and pity for this poor poor hardworking American. After all he did for you, too. You must be heartless.

lulzmonger April 30, 2010 at 2:08 pm

This is a case-study in Why You Don’t Chop Up 12 Rails At Once … & thus, inevitably hilarious.

“What do you mean, you’re pissed that I nuked your stupid pensions? Fucking ingrates! From now on, I’ll rototill my OWN garden & wash my OWN car, & then – then I’ll go work at Burger King! Do you hear me? FUCKING BURGER KING, YOU SWINE! THEN you’ll all see who the REAL power is in this town! Hnnng! Gllgkkh! Glurgle!(aspirates on vomit)”

snideinplainsight April 30, 2010 at 2:23 pm

Everyone is a f**king Napoleon.

Looy April 30, 2010 at 2:28 pm

My bullshit detector is ringing loudly. “Going around Wall Street”??? What did Derbyshire do, write it and send it to a buddy selling hot dogs outside the NYSE? I get no comfort from Derbyshire’s Web site. http://www.johnderbyshire.com/ Where did he get his clothes, Gitmo? The “We are Wall Street” piece reads like everything else on the site.

I_P April 30, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Obama & his administration are making Joe Mainstreet our food supply

Soylent Green is….PEOPLE!!1!

Egypt Steve April 30, 2010 at 2:47 pm

If the fuck who write this ever tipped anyone 35 percent at any establishment other than a lesbian bondage club, I’ll eat my hat.

drewfromct April 30, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Did anybody else catch how this asshole screwed up by exposing the sham of “trickle down” economics? I thought that the Gospel Of St Ronnie dictated that the reason these greedy fucks were in charge was because of all the jobs they “created”. Yet, he freely *admits* that

“*We’re going to landscape our own back yards, wash our cars with a garden hose in our driveways*”

In other words, all that money “trickling down” never amounted to anything more than a few jobs for landscapers and carwash attendants. Hoo-Boy, they sure did create a lot of wealth! Not.

boadicea April 30, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Trust a wall street princeling to assume that holding his water so he doesn’t pee all over his expensive Italian shoes with actual work.

obfuscator April 30, 2010 at 3:49 pm

real or not, this ranty rant is destined to become the “letter from a birmingham jail” for smug, self-aggrandizing, delusional insufferable pricks with god complexes so big that they’re visible from outer space.

Hacky421 April 30, 2010 at 5:23 pm

Assuming this is to be believed, good luck going back to school (costs a lot) to get the training and certifications you wall street bozos are going to need to take our jobs. And exactly who do you think you will be answering to? Oh right that’s us, assuming we don’t harbor a grudge and deny you a position in the first place. Like you’re only ones busting their tails at work, I would love to see a wall street executive sit in my desk and try and do what I do. How is a middle aged professional going to get an entry-level position over a recent college grad who works for less? I would love to see a wall street exec on the verge of a heart attack from sucking down coffee and crap do a physical job.

And 85K?! You’re gonna cry about making 85K, thats hilarious.

atriana April 30, 2010 at 7:44 pm

It’s good to know that these soon-to-be-out-of-work Wall Streeters have FINALLY learned that trickle down economics does NOT mean pissing on everyone — it is good practice to “hold a position” in that respect. That said, I have an opportunity for them!

If they’d like to “let go,” so to speak, they could become programmers! Same hours, same intensity, $85K (or less) a year BUT you have to make shit that mostly works. As a bonus we’d let you to pee in your pants whenever you wanted if that’s what it took to get you to meet a release deadline. We are all heart. Twelve hour days are considered part-time.

cashaholic May 2, 2010 at 3:31 pm

These people are seriously out of touch. What’s on my dinner plate (unlike theirs?) is already dead. Anyway, you don’t need to kill cat food.

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