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  • Were you all bummed out because the Goldman Sachs investigation was just this wimpy little civil suit from a bunch of bureaucrat nobodies at the SEC, whose only enforcement power is imposing tiny fines on impossibly rich people? Fear not! Now federal prosecutors are sniffing around this slimy cadre of villains. Soon there will be mass arrests, savage prosecutions, entire wings of federal penitentiaries given over to dozens of bankers, etc. Or not? Who knows, actually! The New York Times will only say that the feds are investigating “trading” and that it’s at a “preliminary stage” and that they would face a “higher bar” than the SEC, so, meh, probably nothing will come of it. Jail cells sit empty, hungry for banker-flesh.
  • Oil has started to ooze ashore on the Gulf Coast, threatening pelicans and otters. Adorable otters, you monsters! Since this oil comes from a BP-owned platform, whoever wins the British election next week — probably Posh Spice, based on last night’s debate — will have to deal with a full-scale nuclear war with the U.S., to defend our otters.
  • Remember, like, fourteen years ago when everyone was convinced that Hawaii was going to let gays get married any fucking second and so we had to pass the terrible Defense of Marriage Act now, right now, lest Hawaii’s gayness make all of America gay? Well, because everything is mellow and relaxed out there, the Hawaiian legislature just now got around to passing a boring civil unions bill, which the Republican governor may or may not veto.
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41 COMMENTS

  1. Man, when all the bass-holes and other Angler-Americans down south get out on the bayous again lookin for fish, they are going to be so mad when it all smells like the bathroom at Jiffy Lube. They are going to be all “we need more government, and we’re willing to pay for it! Regulation is the protector of society! The free market is not an unalloyed good!”

    That’s what they’ll say.

  2. Remember how in “Wild in the Streets” Hawaii missed out on all the death camps for the olds action because the entire population of Hawaii was this big Kahuna dude sitting on a beach looking really, really stoned and then a coconut fell on his head?
    Great moments in comedy.

  3. How come the “lamestream” media isn’t asking Queen Sarah about the oil spill, given that she is the princess of drilling???

  4. We should send Sarah a bottle of Fantastick (or some other heavy duty cleaner) and a rag, with the friendly note, “You made the mess; you clean it up”. And a little smiley-face, of course.

  5. Vitter’s diapers in the Gulf!

    In other news, Goldman Sachs is now trading on prison stocks and secretly betting that the prisons will close.

  6. [re=567538]Whitey[/re]: Oh yes. And yet these same douchebag are actually making comments on the story like…”Why has it taken Obama so long to respond!” “This is Obama’s Katrina!” “The media killed Bush and of course the messiah gets a pass”. Their teeny brains can’t seem to process that they keep screaming about the big bad gubment getting involved in private enterprise. Also.

  7. I don’t know what has happened but it seems that universe has decided to go one of its mind fucking streaks of shitting on the stupid ideas of the deluded. Everything from volcano monitoring to an offshore oil drill clusterfuck. And yet, they still cling that intelligent mind boggling corporate PR stupid shit they utter lest they realize they are truly that dumb and the joke was really on them.

    Shows that Einstein was right, human stupidity is limitless. Only if we could turn stupid into energy then Palin and the rest of her crowd could power all of humanity till the end of time. Now that I think about it, that was probably how the Matrix worked (powered not on human energy, but stupidity.)

  8. [re=567552]tootsieroll[/re]: Fuck it. Let the free market clean up the gulf. The invisible hand could be out there at work right now–who would know?

  9. I have this ridiculous concept where they throw up a huge wall across the island just north of the financial district with high tech robot laser gatling guns. And this dude name Snake Pliskin-a former trader at Lehman is forced to go in there and rescue Malia from the baddies-she’d been at a piano recital when they through up the wall…..just a few details to work out and the script will be ready…..

  10. There’s only one way we can actually make the financial executives do something useful for society; the oil executives too. That’s Soylent Green, people.

  11. [re=567555]ManchuCandidate[/re]: “Clinging to PR stupid”

    If you would know why, check out When Prophecy Fails, by Leon Festinger. It’s called cognitive dissonance (the term was coined there). For it to happen, the victim must have given up something for the belief, suffered ridicule, and then gotten “disconfirmation.” The person then has to choose between sacrificing all those sacrifices or doubling down. They double down.

  12. Instead of this hand-wringing about killing adorable otters, let’s hear a bit more about petroleum-enhanced freedom varmints. We need some positive spirit, it’s morning in America!

  13. [re=567559]cheeto_jeebus[/re]:
    Sounds good to me. As long as you don’t set a sequel in LA.

    [re=567563]Geogre[/re]:
    I know a few folks who have doubled down on cognitive dissonance. It’s not going to pretty.

  14. I’ve gotta be honest, I’m kind of on Goldman’s side in this whole SEC case thingy. News stories about housing bubbles first started popping up in 2001 and by 2005 were pretty prevelant. Unlike the Fed, Goldman actually did something about it.

  15. Because the age of consent in the Aloha State is 14, all the pederasts in the Republican party should probably move there immediately.

  16. [re=567537]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: No, that is a photo of a bunch of lesbians getting married in Hawaii. The horizontal stripes and moustaches are a Polynesian symbol for commitment.

  17. [re=567555]ManchuCandidate[/re]: “I don’t know what has happened but it seems that universe has decided to go one of its mind fucking streaks of shitting on the stupid ideas of the deluded.”

    I was thinking the same thing. And don’t forget about the Iceland volcano’s eruptions to remind everyone of the GOP climate control smarts. But the biggest sign of all from God was September 2008, when the Republicans were getting headlines, with the “lamestream” media’s help, about lipstick on pigs. Lehman Brothers was a sweet sign that God was fed up and is a liberal. I said, “Go, God!”

  18. [re=567568]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I was thinking more along the lines of somewhere with lots of ice and snow? see there’d be this alien they melted out of the ice inside the prison camp. see they found it when they were trying to dig out and led by this snowbilly chick decked out ala tomb raider…she’d do battle with it, but not really she’d just pretend to ’cause the twist is she’s one of the aliens and she wants to set it free. get it? and their blood is actually oil! good eh? well, then they’d get Snake to go in there and kick alien ass.

  19. [re=567557]Crank Tango[/re]: Word. These people scream about the free market, but the free market doesn’t value things like wetlands. Which is why the government must regulate the free market. But by all means, let’s just throw up deep water oil rigs all over the Gulf, and fuck the shrimpers and the tourists. Oh wait…

  20. Here’s some good news for the federal coffers. Goldman just bought a wing of the Danbury Country Club Federal Pen. They get a plaque and 20 years to life. Win-Win.

  21. Yes. Why hasn’t America’s Energy Queen, Bible Spice weighed in yet on this oil spill? Perhaps she could impart some sage-like Alaskan remedy to not only halt the environmental devastation, but also reclaim the oil for refining.

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