Goldman Sachs, The Bank, Will Be Put In Bank Jail

• Were you all bummed out because the Goldman Sachs investigation was just this wimpy little civil suit from a bunch of bureaucrat nobodies at the SEC, whose only enforcement power is imposing tiny fines on impossibly rich people? Fear not! Now federal prosecutors are sniffing around this slimy cadre of villains. Soon there will be mass arrests, savage prosecutions, entire wings of federal penitentiaries given over to dozens of bankers, etc. Or not? Who knows, actually! The New York Times will only say that the feds are investigating "trading" and that it's at a "preliminary stage" and that they would face a "higher bar" than the SEC , so, meh, probably nothing will come of it. Jail cells sit empty, hungry for banker-flesh.

• Oil has started to ooze ashore on the Gulf Coast, threatening pelicans and otters. Adorable otters, you monsters! Since this oil comes from a BP-owned platform, whoever wins the British election next week -- probably Posh Spice , based on last night's debate -- will have to deal with a full-scale nuclear war with the U.S., to defend our otters.

• Remember, like, fourteen years ago when everyone was convinced that Hawaii was going to let gays get married any fucking second and so we had to pass the terrible Defense of Marriage Act now, right now, lest Hawaii's gayness make all of America gay? Well, because everything is mellow and relaxed out there, the Hawaiian legislature just now got around to passing a boring civil unions bill , which the Republican governor may or may not veto.