HERCULES! HERCULES!Somewhat famous rock ‘n’ roll wingnut Ted Nugent is a contributor to the hot new TIME 100 list, which we are too scared to check out in full. (Did Meghan McCain make it, or did Didier Drogba “kick her out” of the last spot? That is a soccer joke!) While Nugent, tragically, did not make this list (again, we don’t know, maybe he did!), he was awarded the prize of writing Sarah Palin’s entry, which begins like so: “If Sarah Palin played a loud, grinding instrument, she would be in my band.” Jesus.

Amazing that he was able to type such overwrought gibberish with only one hand:

She embraces the critical duty of we the people by participating in this glorious experiment in self-government. The tsunami of support proves that Sarah, 46, represents what many Americans know to be common and sensible. Her rugged individualism, self-reliance and a herculean work ethic resonate now more than ever in a country spinning away from these basics that made the U.S.A. the last best place. We who are driven to be assets to our families, communities and our beloved country connect with the principles that Sarah Palin embodies. We know that bureaucrats and, even more, Fedzilla, are not the solution; they are the problem. I’d be proud to share a moose-barbecue campfire with the Palin family anytime, so long as I can shoot the moose.

You’d think that at least one copy editor at TIME, upon reaching “We who are driven to be assets…”, would suggest to the higher ups, “Uh, can we just get Piper or whatever to write it instead?”


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  1. No, Nugie, YOU would be in HER band. Sarah doesn’t play second fiddle to anyone.

    Of course you could take over when she quit playing halfway through the set.

  2. Work ethic? Didn’t she fucking quit her job halfway through? The “nudge” has always been an idiot and this just confirms it.

  3. I had no idea Going Rogue had come out on Sarah’s own imprint.

    She must have had a meeting with Ian Mac Kaye, last time she was thru DC.

  4. We are driven to be (fungible, widget-like) assets, not citizens, by our alien corporate overlords AKA Goldman Sachs, et alia.

    The Motor City Madman is still learning rudimentary Newspeak, cut him a break…

  5. If Sarah could, or would, play a grinding instrument, she wouldn’t have FIVE FUCKING KIDS! Poor Teddy Nugent (of the teeny tiny weeny Nugents) has been playing his own grinding instrument (by hand) so long, he doesn’t know a midget con-man from former Candidate Palin. Hint: one is a cunning runt.

  6. Relas, folks.

    We don’t have to start worrying until someone smart starts writing Odes to Sarah.

    Then, you’ll know it’s time to check out of here.

  7. As a child I loved that book – The Last Best Place.

    Don’t remeber the zombie Mark Slaughter being in it though. Must be a tie-in with this new Nightmare on Elm Street they’ve got coming out.

  8. She DOES play a loud instrument: FoxNews and all mainstream media.

    How else does an unelected, unappointed, half-term governor of a small economy facing multiple ethics allegations, without the ability to speak well, without policy understanding or insight, manage to get into a “hot” anything, except perhaps hot water?

  9. Didier Drogba wouldn’t kick Meghan McCain out of anything, he’d spit on her and then fall over.*

    *Yeah, that was ANOTHER soccer ‘joke’.

  10. [re=567002]SmutBoffin[/re]: Thanks to that link, we know that Ted has unprotected sex and is deaf. Probably deaf enough that Palin’s screechy voice doesn’t sound so bad. I freely admit to turning off my hearing aids when kids start to scream in an airplane or restaurant. Instant relief. Sadly, that’s the only benefit to having a high frequency hearing loss.

  11. Is there a disconnect between Ted sing the praises of the Snowbillie Grifter Queen and the Ted who said: “What’s a feminist anyways? A fat pig who doesn’t get it often enough?”

    mmm, guess not.

  12. Remember when it used to be fun to live in the U.S.? Y’know, back when has-been, washed up, irrelevant rock stars and comedians didn’t verbally jack-off patriotic, insane rightwing dogma?

    Yeah, me neither.

  13. History shows again and again
    How Sarah points out the folly of man
    Go go Fedzilla!

    If she played a loud grinding instrument… too easy

    Her Herculean work ethic… too easy

    I do however, like how he makes a point of saying her age, 46, in the second sentence.

    Sarah Palin, 46, is driven to be an asshat to her country, with her loud grinding instrument and work ethic that looks Herculean to Ted Nugent and few others.

    Shoot the moose!

    46. Also.

  14. “herculean work ethic”?

    Um, hasn’t it been about a year since she quit her job? And she still has no job? I may be commenting on a political dick joke blog in the middle of my work day, but at least I’m at the office.

  15. If I’m going to be an asset, I expect to be driven, everywhere, by a guy in a uniform, with bottled water and oh wait, not that kind of driven. nevermind

  16. This from the guy who shat his pants for two weeks before his induction interview and wore said pants to the induction center to get out of going to ‘Nam. A brave patriot, he.

  17. [re=567009]Hello Sunshine[/re]:

    And to add insult to simulated injury Mourinho is going to the Bernabeu to play the Champions League finals while he watched the game in London.

  18. Before he became the numbfuck that he is today, he came to a little house party my older brother was throwing while our parents were out of town. Ted left his guitar there and had to retrieve it the next day. He gave my brother shit for letting him leave with the party without it. Come to think of it, Nugent was always numbnutted. You hear that, Ted? Older brother Tommy, says, “fuck off”!

  19. [re=567031]ThePuckStopsHere[/re]: Greg Allman had the balls to shoot himself in the foot. And Iggy Pop’s self induced full on erection immediately prior to the physical exam was gutsier.

  20. what a self-promoting, disingenuous, cynical, money whoring cockmonger this one is.

    i don’t know if i’m talking about palin or the guitarist from damn yankees at this point.

  21. This is the genius who said he didn’t know “Journey to the Center of the Mind” (the only decent cut he ever played on) wasn’t about drugs. His political judgment appears to be equally keen. Working hard to turn off car radios since the Seventies…

  22. [re=567047]WhatTheHeck[/re]: Indeed. It’s just that he’s a magnificent beast who spits on people and falls over a lot. If click “SUBMIT COMMENT” too hard he’ll fall over and appeal for a penalty.

  23. [re=567030]freakishlystrong[/re]: I’d love to put Palin alone in a room for half an hour and make her write a paragraph or two about her favorite subject. Then compare it to all the writing that she’s published on Facebook and elsewhere (didn’t she have a book, too?) and compare it. That would make for fifteen minutes of fun.

  24. She does play the base pretty well. Made it popular, too, now everyone’s playing it.
    Though it is one of those self-playing instruments.

  25. Back in my young partying days, my roommate and I discovered the best way to get people to leave out apartment was to put on Ted Nugent and The Amboy Dikes live and turn it up real loud. Took less than 5 minutes and everybody would leave.

  26. I do not agree with Mr. Nugent on his opinion of former Governor Palin.

    I would, however, not be opposed to getting her in a stranglehold, baby, and crushing her face.

  27. [re=567030]freakishlystrong[/re]: 100 Palins in a room with typewriters couldn’t come up with something that well written in 1000 years.

  28. [re=567002]SmutBoffin[/re]: To hear Courtney Love tell it, she serviced Mr. Ted once when she was just twelve (12) years old.

    *sigh* That would’ve been a video for the ages.

  29. [re=567127]Elephants Gerald[/re]: Are you kidding? They’d eat the typewriters then turn on each other in a cannibal clone orgy feast of Roman proportions. Running around naked with bloody chunks of thigh meat in their beaks, shrieking, slurping up eyeballs like oysters, then puking it all up and going back for more.

    This would all start about two minutes after you shut the door to the room.

  30. Ted Nugent, the mind reels:

    Military Service — not so much, deferment, plz!
    Creative “ideas” to get out of military service — eat nothing but crap for two weeks, poop your own pants (for two weeks)
    Women — the younger, the better, underage, if possible
    Sex Outside of Marriage — of course!
    Paying Child Support for Child Born Out Of Wedlock — are you fucking high?
    Marriage — a sacred institution
    Fidelity to spouse — meh
    Animals — God’s gift to mankind for the shootin’ and skinnin’ opportunities they represent
    Author of such titles as “God, Guns and Rock ‘n’ Roll” and “Kill It And Grill It”

    Bottom line: I can’t make a lick of sense out of any of this.

  31. [re=567079]Extemporanus[/re]: Ha! Despite the romanticized stories of WWII, my Dad told me that it was popular in DC area in 1940s to smoke an iodine laced cigarette prior to physical exam for the draft, which would cause you to fail the chest x-ray.

  32. I am em-bare-assed to admit I clinked on Smutboffins “underage Alaskan Girl” link.
    Methinks I was still feeling rather randy post-moo porno.

  33. [re=567184]trondant[/re]: According to Levi, Sarah hasn’t played Todd’s loud, grinding instrument since Trig was conceived, so your scenario might be possible. Her kids say when Sarah’s in Alaska she spends all day alone in the “master” suite, wearing pajamas when she’s not soaking in the tub, so all The Nudge has to do is crawl in the window and all hell could break loose. With his self-aggrandized animal tracking skills, he ought to be able to find the right window.

    [re=567204]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: That comprehensive list could apply to more than half the Republicans holding public office, except some of them had less gross ways of escaping the draft, aided and abetted, as they usually were, by Daddy.

  34. Wasn’t this scumbag busted for screwing a 14-yr-old groupie once? But, er, David Letterman is dirt for telling a mild joke about Palin’s 17-yr-old pregnant daughter? Ahh, there’s that right-wing hypocrisy we all know and enjoy.

  35. I’m so ashamed to admit that I ever liked a Nugent song EVER. But, it was ‘Stranglehold’ and I thought it was great. Hated everything else, including his ‘fine work’ with the Amboy Dukes. Ergh.

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