TODAY IN POETRY  12:58 pm April 29, 2010

Ted Nugent Writes Beautiful Ode To ‘Herculean’ Sarah Palin, For TIME

by Jim Newell

HERCULES! HERCULES!Somewhat famous rock ‘n’ roll wingnut Ted Nugent is a contributor to the hot new TIME 100 list, which we are too scared to check out in full. (Did Meghan McCain make it, or did Didier Drogba “kick her out” of the last spot? That is a soccer joke!) While Nugent, tragically, did not make this list (again, we don’t know, maybe he did!), he was awarded the prize of writing Sarah Palin’s entry, which begins like so: “If Sarah Palin played a loud, grinding instrument, she would be in my band.” Jesus.

Amazing that he was able to type such overwrought gibberish with only one hand:

She embraces the critical duty of we the people by participating in this glorious experiment in self-government. The tsunami of support proves that Sarah, 46, represents what many Americans know to be common and sensible. Her rugged individualism, self-reliance and a herculean work ethic resonate now more than ever in a country spinning away from these basics that made the U.S.A. the last best place. We who are driven to be assets to our families, communities and our beloved country connect with the principles that Sarah Palin embodies. We know that bureaucrats and, even more, Fedzilla, are not the solution; they are the problem. I’d be proud to share a moose-barbecue campfire with the Palin family anytime, so long as I can shoot the moose.

You’d think that at least one copy editor at TIME, upon reaching “We who are driven to be assets…”, would suggest to the higher ups, “Uh, can we just get Piper or whatever to write it instead?”


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Smoke Filled Roommate April 29, 2010 at 1:01 pm

Cunt Scratch Fever

Not_So_Much April 29, 2010 at 1:02 pm

Whoreculean work ethic”. Fixed.

MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend April 29, 2010 at 1:02 pm

Michelle Obama is #1 or fuck this list.

magic titty April 29, 2010 at 1:02 pm


ArugulaTeleprompterz April 29, 2010 at 1:02 pm

Doesn’t her voice count as a loud grinding instrument?

LittlePig April 29, 2010 at 1:02 pm

No, Nugie, YOU would be in HER band. Sarah doesn’t play second fiddle to anyone.

Of course you could take over when she quit playing halfway through the set.

norbizness April 29, 2010 at 1:03 pm

Apparently a symptom of cat scratch fever is senile dementia.

Dashboard_Buddha April 29, 2010 at 1:03 pm

Work ethic? Didn’t she fucking quit her job halfway through? The “nudge” has always been an idiot and this just confirms it.

Extemporanus April 29, 2010 at 1:04 pm

This part was good, too: “She’s so sweet when she yanks on my meat.”

RoscoePColtraine April 29, 2010 at 1:05 pm

Who edited out his ALL-CAPS? !!!!!11!!

bored with gravity April 29, 2010 at 1:05 pm

Herculean work ethic = quitting your job halfway through. Who knew? Also.

Neilist April 29, 2010 at 1:05 pm

“Herculean work ethic”?


Ted, you won’t have to shoot the moose. The poor creature will die laughing.

Dave J. April 29, 2010 at 1:06 pm

“We who are driven to be asshats….”

That’s pretty much the Teabagger ethos right there.

Long Form Def Certificate April 29, 2010 at 1:07 pm

I had no idea Going Rogue had come out on Sarah’s own imprint.

She must have had a meeting with Ian Mac Kaye, last time she was thru DC.

FMA April 29, 2010 at 1:07 pm

Wang Dang Sweet Poontang!

I’m ashamed that I know that.

Extemporanus April 29, 2010 at 1:07 pm

[re=566975]magic titty[/re]: Nugent is the beige, doughy stuff inside Milky Way candy bars.

Godot April 29, 2010 at 1:08 pm

I enjoy the Eddie Murphy Nutty Professor reference in the alt-text.

schvitzatura April 29, 2010 at 1:08 pm

We are driven to be (fungible, widget-like) assets, not citizens, by our alien corporate overlords AKA Goldman Sachs, et alia.

The Motor City Madman is still learning rudimentary Newspeak, cut him a break…

ttommyunger April 29, 2010 at 1:08 pm

If Sarah could, or would, play a grinding instrument, she wouldn’t have FIVE FUCKING KIDS! Poor Teddy Nugent (of the teeny tiny weeny Nugents) has been playing his own grinding instrument (by hand) so long, he doesn’t know a midget con-man from former Candidate Palin. Hint: one is a cunning runt.

ennui go April 29, 2010 at 1:09 pm

[re=566971]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: WIN. End of thread.

germansteel April 29, 2010 at 1:09 pm

Relas, folks.

We don’t have to start worrying until someone smart starts writing Odes to Sarah.

Then, you’ll know it’s time to check out of here.

jagray April 29, 2010 at 1:09 pm

Her “self-reliance”? Wasn’t it Levi who had to run out to get her daily Crunch Wrap Supremes?

An Outhouse April 29, 2010 at 1:09 pm

For $100,000 I’d read gibberish off my hand too, also. I don’t think that is an exceptional trait or a real asset.

sati demise April 29, 2010 at 1:09 pm

I guess Ted is going to host a sensible book burnin’ to roast that Moose.

SmutBoffin April 29, 2010 at 1:10 pm

That “loud grinding instrument” you hear is a turkey decapitator TURNED TO 11.

Palin must have bribed this chump with some moose sausage, bullets, and an underage Alaskan girl or two to get a glowing endorsement like that.

nappyduggs April 29, 2010 at 1:10 pm

As a child I loved that book – The Last Best Place.

Don’t remeber the zombie Mark Slaughter being in it though. Must be a tie-in with this new Nightmare on Elm Street they’ve got coming out.

Geogre April 29, 2010 at 1:11 pm

She DOES play a loud instrument: FoxNews and all mainstream media.

How else does an unelected, unappointed, half-term governor of a small economy facing multiple ethics allegations, without the ability to speak well, without policy understanding or insight, manage to get into a “hot” anything, except perhaps hot water?

norbizness April 29, 2010 at 1:11 pm
ttommyunger April 29, 2010 at 1:12 pm

ps. I submit the mini-loincloth as irrefutable proof. That, along with the firearm fixation and super-macho posturing.

Baldar T Flagass April 29, 2010 at 1:13 pm

“Godzilla > Fedzilla”
—Buck Dharma

Hello Sunshine April 29, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Didier Drogba wouldn’t kick Meghan McCain out of anything, he’d spit on her and then fall over.*

*Yeah, that was ANOTHER soccer ‘joke’.

steverino247 April 29, 2010 at 1:17 pm

[re=567002]SmutBoffin[/re]: Thanks to that link, we know that Ted has unprotected sex and is deaf. Probably deaf enough that Palin’s screechy voice doesn’t sound so bad. I freely admit to turning off my hearing aids when kids start to scream in an airplane or restaurant. Instant relief. Sadly, that’s the only benefit to having a high frequency hearing loss.

weejee April 29, 2010 at 1:18 pm

Is there a disconnect between Ted sing the praises of the Snowbillie Grifter Queen and the Ted who said: “What’s a feminist anyways? A fat pig who doesn’t get it often enough?”

mmm, guess not.

RoscoePColtraine April 29, 2010 at 1:18 pm


I thought Dubya finished his term as governor. Ohhhhhhhhh…you mean Palin. Never mind.

SayItWithWookies April 29, 2010 at 1:19 pm

She is Herculean in the sense that she reminds me of the Augean Stables. Before they were cleaned.

Deacon Frank Orris April 29, 2010 at 1:19 pm

“Shoot the Moose”? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Abou Diaby April 29, 2010 at 1:20 pm

I bet this motherfucker will live a long life. Most pieces of shit do.

freakishlystrong April 29, 2010 at 1:21 pm

Remember when it used to be fun to live in the U.S.? Y’know, back when has-been, washed up, irrelevant rock stars and comedians didn’t verbally jack-off patriotic, insane rightwing dogma?

Yeah, me neither.

Rush April 29, 2010 at 1:21 pm

We can all hunt great white buffalo from helicopters.

comicbookguy April 29, 2010 at 1:21 pm

History shows again and again
How Sarah points out the folly of man
Go go Fedzilla!

If she played a loud grinding instrument… too easy

Her Herculean work ethic… too easy

I do however, like how he makes a point of saying her age, 46, in the second sentence.

Sarah Palin, 46, is driven to be an asshat to her country, with her loud grinding instrument and work ethic that looks Herculean to Ted Nugent and few others.

Shoot the moose!

46. Also.

Kool Keith April 29, 2010 at 1:22 pm

“herculean work ethic”?

Um, hasn’t it been about a year since she quit her job? And she still has no job? I may be commenting on a political dick joke blog in the middle of my work day, but at least I’m at the office.

comicbookguy April 29, 2010 at 1:23 pm

[re=567013]weejee[/re]: Lipstick.

MOG April 29, 2010 at 1:24 pm

If I’m going to be an asset, I expect to be driven, everywhere, by a guy in a uniform, with bottled water and oh wait, not that kind of driven. nevermind

freakishlystrong April 29, 2010 at 1:24 pm
ThePuckStopsHere April 29, 2010 at 1:25 pm

This from the guy who shat his pants for two weeks before his induction interview and wore said pants to the induction center to get out of going to ‘Nam. A brave patriot, he.

Abou Diaby April 29, 2010 at 1:25 pm

[re=567009]Hello Sunshine[/re]:

And to add insult to simulated injury Mourinho is going to the Bernabeu to play the Champions League finals while he watched the game in London.

Buttery1000 April 29, 2010 at 1:26 pm

Can you believe this asshole’s name has been tossed around for governor of Michigan? … On second thought, never mind.

Extemporanus April 29, 2010 at 1:27 pm

[re=567013]weejee[/re]: What’s a sexist little Love Grenade amongst hypocritical wingnuts, eh?

Tim Was Tim April 29, 2010 at 1:28 pm

Shut up and sing!

Er, on second thought…

shypixel2 April 29, 2010 at 1:29 pm

[re=566971]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: You just won the internet.

And maybe got me fired from my job….

GeneralLerong April 29, 2010 at 1:30 pm

[re=567015]SayItWithWookies[/re]: By jove, well played!

Abou Diaby April 29, 2010 at 1:30 pm


Bitch didn’t write that.

Fox n Fiends April 29, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Her rugged individualism? You mean her slavish addiction to the cult of Ayn Rand?

WhatTheHeck April 29, 2010 at 1:33 pm

I’ll have you know Didier Drogba is a Magnificent Beast.

bitchincamaro April 29, 2010 at 1:33 pm

Before he became the numbfuck that he is today, he came to a little house party my older brother was throwing while our parents were out of town. Ted left his guitar there and had to retrieve it the next day. He gave my brother shit for letting him leave with the party without it. Come to think of it, Nugent was always numbnutted. You hear that, Ted? Older brother Tommy, says, “fuck off”!

ManchuCandidate April 29, 2010 at 1:33 pm

Is this the same Ted Nug who literally shit himself to get out of the Vietnam War Draft?

U betchya.

Oldskool April 29, 2010 at 1:34 pm

So Ted is an ‘author’ just like Sayruh. I think it’s time to change the definition.

ph7 April 29, 2010 at 1:36 pm

[re=567031]ThePuckStopsHere[/re]: Greg Allman had the balls to shoot himself in the foot. And Iggy Pop’s self induced full on erection immediately prior to the physical exam was gutsier.

obfuscator April 29, 2010 at 1:38 pm

what a self-promoting, disingenuous, cynical, money whoring cockmonger this one is.

i don’t know if i’m talking about palin or the guitarist from damn yankees at this point.

notreallyhelping April 29, 2010 at 1:38 pm

This is the genius who said he didn’t know “Journey to the Center of the Mind” (the only decent cut he ever played on) wasn’t about drugs. His political judgment appears to be equally keen. Working hard to turn off car radios since the Seventies…

Hello Sunshine April 29, 2010 at 1:39 pm

[re=567047]WhatTheHeck[/re]: Indeed. It’s just that he’s a magnificent beast who spits on people and falls over a lot. If click “SUBMIT COMMENT” too hard he’ll fall over and appeal for a penalty.

rmontcal April 29, 2010 at 1:40 pm

He needs a “cocks” in his thought-bubble.

Gregoire April 29, 2010 at 1:43 pm

Cyndi Lauper wrote the entry on Lady Gaga.

Thus reinforcing the equation Lady Gaga > Sarah Palin

Seymour Butts April 29, 2010 at 1:44 pm

We know she’s common, alright.

SayItWithWookies April 29, 2010 at 1:44 pm

[re=567030]freakishlystrong[/re]: I’d love to put Palin alone in a room for half an hour and make her write a paragraph or two about her favorite subject. Then compare it to all the writing that she’s published on Facebook and elsewhere (didn’t she have a book, too?) and compare it. That would make for fifteen minutes of fun.

AliBabaInBA April 29, 2010 at 1:44 pm

She does play the base pretty well. Made it popular, too, now everyone’s playing it.
Though it is one of those self-playing instruments.

coolcatdaddy April 29, 2010 at 1:45 pm

“If Sarah Palin played a loud, grinding instrument, she would be in my band.”

She _is_ a loud, grinding instrument.

Mr Blifil April 29, 2010 at 1:48 pm

[re=567008]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: Galtzilla?

Mr Blifil April 29, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Interesting that he does not seem to pick up on what a fucking annoying bitch-on-wheels she can be. Funny that.

Georgia Burning April 29, 2010 at 1:51 pm

Ted Nugent, looking for meaning since they stopped making 8-tracks.

Extemporanus April 29, 2010 at 1:52 pm

[re=567054]ph7[/re]: I shot myself in the erection while shitting myself.

I ship out May 5.

Poochie April 29, 2010 at 1:55 pm

Ghost written by another out-of-work Randinista, no doubt.

Sussemilch April 29, 2010 at 1:55 pm

I see your Ted Nugent and raise you Elvis Presley: “When things go wrong don’t go with them.”

Native of SL UT April 29, 2010 at 1:56 pm

Back in my young partying days, my roommate and I discovered the best way to get people to leave out apartment was to put on Ted Nugent and The Amboy Dikes live and turn it up real loud. Took less than 5 minutes and everybody would leave.

JMP April 29, 2010 at 1:56 pm

[re=566998]germansteel[/re]: Too late; you obviously have yet to hear of Ray “The Streak” Stevens’ “Caribou Barbie”:

[re=567015]SayItWithWookies[/re]: She is Herculean in the sense that she likes sex with teenage boys.

freakishlystrong April 29, 2010 at 2:01 pm

[re=567067]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Silly grifter, she lost me at “history buff”.

smitallica April 29, 2010 at 2:10 pm

I do not agree with Mr. Nugent on his opinion of former Governor Palin.

I would, however, not be opposed to getting her in a stranglehold, baby, and crushing her face.

disgustedcitizen April 29, 2010 at 2:10 pm

[re=566977]ArugulaTeleprompterz[/re]: Like fingernails on a chalkboard grinding, or should I say grating?

Ducksworthy April 29, 2010 at 2:14 pm

[re=567002]SmutBoffin[/re]: Wow! What a guy! And a paragon of traditional Republican Family Values ™.

Thanks for that.

sezme April 29, 2010 at 2:17 pm

Would have snarked but then read the whole paragraph. Was only left with pity. So very sad…

Elephants Gerald April 29, 2010 at 2:19 pm

[re=567030]freakishlystrong[/re]: 100 Palins in a room with typewriters couldn’t come up with something that well written in 1000 years.

mustardman April 29, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Yes, she would be in the band, piss everyone off and blame everyone else for it, and then quit.

RoscoePColtraine April 29, 2010 at 2:34 pm

[re=567002]SmutBoffin[/re]: Ted Nugent’s crusty butt. Thanks.

trondant April 29, 2010 at 2:38 pm

Jesus, Nugent is a fucking asshole. Can’t we get an ATF informant to sell him a sawed-off?

boy_howdy April 29, 2010 at 2:44 pm

[re=567002]SmutBoffin[/re]: To hear Courtney Love tell it, she serviced Mr. Ted once when she was just twelve (12) years old.

*sigh* That would’ve been a video for the ages.

desertwind April 29, 2010 at 2:46 pm

“herculean work ethic”… Ha ha!

I don’t think it means what you think it means.

HoBeaux April 29, 2010 at 2:47 pm

“Scratch That Beaver”

trondant April 29, 2010 at 2:52 pm

[re=567127]Elephants Gerald[/re]: Are you kidding? They’d eat the typewriters then turn on each other in a cannibal clone orgy feast of Roman proportions. Running around naked with bloody chunks of thigh meat in their beaks, shrieking, slurping up eyeballs like oysters, then puking it all up and going back for more.

This would all start about two minutes after you shut the door to the room.

RoscoePColtraine April 29, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Ted Nugent, the mind reels:

Military Service — not so much, deferment, plz!
Creative “ideas” to get out of military service — eat nothing but crap for two weeks, poop your own pants (for two weeks)
Women — the younger, the better, underage, if possible
Sex Outside of Marriage — of course!
Paying Child Support for Child Born Out Of Wedlock — are you fucking high?
Marriage — a sacred institution
Fidelity to spouse — meh
Animals — God’s gift to mankind for the shootin’ and skinnin’ opportunities they represent
Author of such titles as “God, Guns and Rock ‘n’ Roll” and “Kill It And Grill It”

Bottom line: I can’t make a lick of sense out of any of this.

F*T*S* April 29, 2010 at 3:40 pm


ph7 April 29, 2010 at 4:07 pm

[re=567079]Extemporanus[/re]: Ha! Despite the romanticized stories of WWII, my Dad told me that it was popular in DC area in 1940s to smoke an iodine laced cigarette prior to physical exam for the draft, which would cause you to fail the chest x-ray.

Lascauxcaveman April 29, 2010 at 4:17 pm

[re=566998]germansteel[/re]: Oh, but they DO write odes (sorta) to Sarah Palin. This one’s quite touching:

libwakman April 29, 2010 at 4:28 pm

I am em-bare-assed to admit I clinked on Smutboffins “underage Alaskan Girl” link.
Methinks I was still feeling rather randy post-moo porno.

Jukesgrrl April 29, 2010 at 4:36 pm

[re=567184]trondant[/re]: According to Levi, Sarah hasn’t played Todd’s loud, grinding instrument since Trig was conceived, so your scenario might be possible. Her kids say when Sarah’s in Alaska she spends all day alone in the “master” suite, wearing pajamas when she’s not soaking in the tub, so all The Nudge has to do is crawl in the window and all hell could break loose. With his self-aggrandized animal tracking skills, he ought to be able to find the right window.

[re=567204]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: That comprehensive list could apply to more than half the Republicans holding public office, except some of them had less gross ways of escaping the draft, aided and abetted, as they usually were, by Daddy.

rocktonsammy April 29, 2010 at 6:18 pm

I pray each day that there is an animal that Ted is about to shoot but instead the animal eats him.

parenthetical April 29, 2010 at 6:26 pm

Herculean work ethic, eh? My favorite story from Greek myth *is* the one about the 6 Labors of Hercules.

Rusty Shackleford April 29, 2010 at 6:45 pm

It’s just sad what a lifetime of not doing drugs can do to a person’s mental well-being.

trondant April 29, 2010 at 7:24 pm

[re=567381]rocktonsammy[/re]: “Mediocre musician devoured by lemurs” would be a righteous fucking headline for an obit.

AutomaticPilot April 29, 2010 at 8:46 pm

[re=567030]freakishlystrong[/re]: “self-taught” = flunkie

Scruffy, The Janitor April 29, 2010 at 9:47 pm

If the U.S.A. is the last best place, doesn’t that technically make it the worst place?

BarackMyWorld April 29, 2010 at 9:54 pm

I got lost in the blizzard of words, there.

J April 30, 2010 at 12:21 am

Wasn’t this scumbag busted for screwing a 14-yr-old groupie once? But, er, David Letterman is dirt for telling a mild joke about Palin’s 17-yr-old pregnant daughter? Ahh, there’s that right-wing hypocrisy we all know and enjoy.

Neoyorquino April 30, 2010 at 1:50 am

” . . . so long as I can shoot the moose.” Please, Lord. Let that not be a sexual metaphor.

Pat Pending April 30, 2010 at 4:55 am

I’m so ashamed to admit that I ever liked a Nugent song EVER. But, it was ‘Stranglehold’ and I thought it was great. Hated everything else, including his ‘fine work’ with the Amboy Dukes. Ergh.

Pat Pending April 30, 2010 at 4:56 am

“I don’t know where she comes from, but she sure do come…” Also.

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