today in poetry

Ted Nugent Writes Beautiful Ode To ‘Herculean’ Sarah Palin, For TIME

HERCULES! HERCULES!Somewhat famous rock ‘n’ roll wingnut Ted Nugent is a contributor to the hot new TIME 100 list, which we are too scared to check out in full. (Did Meghan McCain make it, or did Didier Drogba “kick her out” of the last spot? That is a soccer joke!) While Nugent, tragically, did not make this list (again, we don’t know, maybe he did!), he was awarded the prize of writing Sarah Palin’s entry, which begins like so: “If Sarah Palin played a loud, grinding instrument, she would be in my band.” Jesus.

Amazing that he was able to type such overwrought gibberish with only one hand:

She embraces the critical duty of we the people by participating in this glorious experiment in self-government. The tsunami of support proves that Sarah, 46, represents what many Americans know to be common and sensible. Her rugged individualism, self-reliance and a herculean work ethic resonate now more than ever in a country spinning away from these basics that made the U.S.A. the last best place. We who are driven to be assets to our families, communities and our beloved country connect with the principles that Sarah Palin embodies. We know that bureaucrats and, even more, Fedzilla, are not the solution; they are the problem. I’d be proud to share a moose-barbecue campfire with the Palin family anytime, so long as I can shoot the moose.

You’d think that at least one copy editor at TIME, upon reaching “We who are driven to be assets…”, would suggest to the higher ups, “Uh, can we just get Piper or whatever to write it instead?”


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. LittlePig

    No, Nugie, YOU would be in HER band. Sarah doesn’t play second fiddle to anyone.

    Of course you could take over when she quit playing halfway through the set.

  2. Dashboard_Buddha

    Work ethic? Didn’t she fucking quit her job halfway through? The “nudge” has always been an idiot and this just confirms it.

  3. Neilist

    “Herculean work ethic”?


    Ted, you won’t have to shoot the moose. The poor creature will die laughing.

  4. Dave J.

    “We who are driven to be asshats….”

    That’s pretty much the Teabagger ethos right there.

  5. Long Form Def Certificate

    I had no idea Going Rogue had come out on Sarah’s own imprint.

    She must have had a meeting with Ian Mac Kaye, last time she was thru DC.

  6. Extemporanus

    [re=566975]magic titty[/re]: Nugent is the beige, doughy stuff inside Milky Way candy bars.

  7. schvitzatura

    We are driven to be (fungible, widget-like) assets, not citizens, by our alien corporate overlords AKA Goldman Sachs, et alia.

    The Motor City Madman is still learning rudimentary Newspeak, cut him a break…

  8. ttommyunger

    If Sarah could, or would, play a grinding instrument, she wouldn’t have FIVE FUCKING KIDS! Poor Teddy Nugent (of the teeny tiny weeny Nugents) has been playing his own grinding instrument (by hand) so long, he doesn’t know a midget con-man from former Candidate Palin. Hint: one is a cunning runt.

  9. germansteel

    Relas, folks.

    We don’t have to start worrying until someone smart starts writing Odes to Sarah.

    Then, you’ll know it’s time to check out of here.

  10. jagray

    Her “self-reliance”? Wasn’t it Levi who had to run out to get her daily Crunch Wrap Supremes?

  11. An Outhouse

    For $100,000 I’d read gibberish off my hand too, also. I don’t think that is an exceptional trait or a real asset.

  12. SmutBoffin

    That “loud grinding instrument” you hear is a turkey decapitator TURNED TO 11.

    Palin must have bribed this chump with some moose sausage, bullets, and an underage Alaskan girl or two to get a glowing endorsement like that.

  13. nappyduggs

    As a child I loved that book – The Last Best Place.

    Don’t remeber the zombie Mark Slaughter being in it though. Must be a tie-in with this new Nightmare on Elm Street they’ve got coming out.

  14. Geogre

    She DOES play a loud instrument: FoxNews and all mainstream media.

    How else does an unelected, unappointed, half-term governor of a small economy facing multiple ethics allegations, without the ability to speak well, without policy understanding or insight, manage to get into a “hot” anything, except perhaps hot water?

  15. ttommyunger

    ps. I submit the mini-loincloth as irrefutable proof. That, along with the firearm fixation and super-macho posturing.

  16. Hello Sunshine

    Didier Drogba wouldn’t kick Meghan McCain out of anything, he’d spit on her and then fall over.*

    *Yeah, that was ANOTHER soccer ‘joke’.

  17. steverino247

    [re=567002]SmutBoffin[/re]: Thanks to that link, we know that Ted has unprotected sex and is deaf. Probably deaf enough that Palin’s screechy voice doesn’t sound so bad. I freely admit to turning off my hearing aids when kids start to scream in an airplane or restaurant. Instant relief. Sadly, that’s the only benefit to having a high frequency hearing loss.

  18. weejee

    Is there a disconnect between Ted sing the praises of the Snowbillie Grifter Queen and the Ted who said: “What’s a feminist anyways? A fat pig who doesn’t get it often enough?”

    mmm, guess not.

  19. RoscoePColtraine


    I thought Dubya finished his term as governor. Ohhhhhhhhh…you mean Palin. Never mind.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    She is Herculean in the sense that she reminds me of the Augean Stables. Before they were cleaned.

  21. freakishlystrong

    Remember when it used to be fun to live in the U.S.? Y’know, back when has-been, washed up, irrelevant rock stars and comedians didn’t verbally jack-off patriotic, insane rightwing dogma?

    Yeah, me neither.

  22. comicbookguy

    History shows again and again
    How Sarah points out the folly of man
    Go go Fedzilla!

    If she played a loud grinding instrument… too easy

    Her Herculean work ethic… too easy

    I do however, like how he makes a point of saying her age, 46, in the second sentence.

    Sarah Palin, 46, is driven to be an asshat to her country, with her loud grinding instrument and work ethic that looks Herculean to Ted Nugent and few others.

    Shoot the moose!

    46. Also.

  23. Kool Keith

    “herculean work ethic”?

    Um, hasn’t it been about a year since she quit her job? And she still has no job? I may be commenting on a political dick joke blog in the middle of my work day, but at least I’m at the office.

  24. MOG

    If I’m going to be an asset, I expect to be driven, everywhere, by a guy in a uniform, with bottled water and oh wait, not that kind of driven. nevermind

  25. ThePuckStopsHere

    This from the guy who shat his pants for two weeks before his induction interview and wore said pants to the induction center to get out of going to ‘Nam. A brave patriot, he.

  26. Abou Diaby

    [re=567009]Hello Sunshine[/re]:

    And to add insult to simulated injury Mourinho is going to the Bernabeu to play the Champions League finals while he watched the game in London.

  27. Buttery1000

    Can you believe this asshole’s name has been tossed around for governor of Michigan? … On second thought, never mind.

  28. shypixel2

    [re=566971]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: You just won the internet.

    And maybe got me fired from my job….

  29. bitchincamaro

    Before he became the numbfuck that he is today, he came to a little house party my older brother was throwing while our parents were out of town. Ted left his guitar there and had to retrieve it the next day. He gave my brother shit for letting him leave with the party without it. Come to think of it, Nugent was always numbnutted. You hear that, Ted? Older brother Tommy, says, “fuck off”!

  30. ManchuCandidate

    Is this the same Ted Nug who literally shit himself to get out of the Vietnam War Draft?

    U betchya.

  31. Oldskool

    So Ted is an ‘author’ just like Sayruh. I think it’s time to change the definition.

  32. ph7

    [re=567031]ThePuckStopsHere[/re]: Greg Allman had the balls to shoot himself in the foot. And Iggy Pop’s self induced full on erection immediately prior to the physical exam was gutsier.

  33. obfuscator

    what a self-promoting, disingenuous, cynical, money whoring cockmonger this one is.

    i don’t know if i’m talking about palin or the guitarist from damn yankees at this point.

  34. notreallyhelping

    This is the genius who said he didn’t know “Journey to the Center of the Mind” (the only decent cut he ever played on) wasn’t about drugs. His political judgment appears to be equally keen. Working hard to turn off car radios since the Seventies…

  35. Hello Sunshine

    [re=567047]WhatTheHeck[/re]: Indeed. It’s just that he’s a magnificent beast who spits on people and falls over a lot. If click “SUBMIT COMMENT” too hard he’ll fall over and appeal for a penalty.

  36. Gregoire

    Cyndi Lauper wrote the entry on Lady Gaga.

    Thus reinforcing the equation Lady Gaga > Sarah Palin

  37. SayItWithWookies

    [re=567030]freakishlystrong[/re]: I’d love to put Palin alone in a room for half an hour and make her write a paragraph or two about her favorite subject. Then compare it to all the writing that she’s published on Facebook and elsewhere (didn’t she have a book, too?) and compare it. That would make for fifteen minutes of fun.

  38. AliBabaInBA

    She does play the base pretty well. Made it popular, too, now everyone’s playing it.
    Though it is one of those self-playing instruments.

  39. coolcatdaddy

    “If Sarah Palin played a loud, grinding instrument, she would be in my band.”

    She _is_ a loud, grinding instrument.

  40. Mr Blifil

    Interesting that he does not seem to pick up on what a fucking annoying bitch-on-wheels she can be. Funny that.

  41. Extemporanus

    [re=567054]ph7[/re]: I shot myself in the erection while shitting myself.

    I ship out May 5.

  42. Sussemilch

    I see your Ted Nugent and raise you Elvis Presley: “When things go wrong don’t go with them.”

  43. Native of SL UT

    Back in my young partying days, my roommate and I discovered the best way to get people to leave out apartment was to put on Ted Nugent and The Amboy Dikes live and turn it up real loud. Took less than 5 minutes and everybody would leave.

  44. freakishlystrong

    [re=567067]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Silly grifter, she lost me at “history buff”.

  45. smitallica

    I do not agree with Mr. Nugent on his opinion of former Governor Palin.

    I would, however, not be opposed to getting her in a stranglehold, baby, and crushing her face.

  46. disgustedcitizen

    [re=566977]ArugulaTeleprompterz[/re]: Like fingernails on a chalkboard grinding, or should I say grating?

  47. Ducksworthy

    [re=567002]SmutBoffin[/re]: Wow! What a guy! And a paragon of traditional Republican Family Values ™.

    Thanks for that.

  48. sezme

    Would have snarked but then read the whole paragraph. Was only left with pity. So very sad…

  49. Elephants Gerald

    [re=567030]freakishlystrong[/re]: 100 Palins in a room with typewriters couldn’t come up with something that well written in 1000 years.

  50. mustardman

    Yes, she would be in the band, piss everyone off and blame everyone else for it, and then quit.

  51. trondant

    Jesus, Nugent is a fucking asshole. Can’t we get an ATF informant to sell him a sawed-off?

  52. boy_howdy

    [re=567002]SmutBoffin[/re]: To hear Courtney Love tell it, she serviced Mr. Ted once when she was just twelve (12) years old.

    *sigh* That would’ve been a video for the ages.

  53. trondant

    [re=567127]Elephants Gerald[/re]: Are you kidding? They’d eat the typewriters then turn on each other in a cannibal clone orgy feast of Roman proportions. Running around naked with bloody chunks of thigh meat in their beaks, shrieking, slurping up eyeballs like oysters, then puking it all up and going back for more.

    This would all start about two minutes after you shut the door to the room.

  54. RoscoePColtraine

    Ted Nugent, the mind reels:

    Military Service — not so much, deferment, plz!
    Creative “ideas” to get out of military service — eat nothing but crap for two weeks, poop your own pants (for two weeks)
    Women — the younger, the better, underage, if possible
    Sex Outside of Marriage — of course!
    Paying Child Support for Child Born Out Of Wedlock — are you fucking high?
    Marriage — a sacred institution
    Fidelity to spouse — meh
    Animals — God’s gift to mankind for the shootin’ and skinnin’ opportunities they represent
    Author of such titles as “God, Guns and Rock ‘n’ Roll” and “Kill It And Grill It”

    Bottom line: I can’t make a lick of sense out of any of this.

  55. ph7

    [re=567079]Extemporanus[/re]: Ha! Despite the romanticized stories of WWII, my Dad told me that it was popular in DC area in 1940s to smoke an iodine laced cigarette prior to physical exam for the draft, which would cause you to fail the chest x-ray.

  56. libwakman

    I am em-bare-assed to admit I clinked on Smutboffins “underage Alaskan Girl” link.
    Methinks I was still feeling rather randy post-moo porno.

  57. Jukesgrrl

    [re=567184]trondant[/re]: According to Levi, Sarah hasn’t played Todd’s loud, grinding instrument since Trig was conceived, so your scenario might be possible. Her kids say when Sarah’s in Alaska she spends all day alone in the “master” suite, wearing pajamas when she’s not soaking in the tub, so all The Nudge has to do is crawl in the window and all hell could break loose. With his self-aggrandized animal tracking skills, he ought to be able to find the right window.

    [re=567204]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: That comprehensive list could apply to more than half the Republicans holding public office, except some of them had less gross ways of escaping the draft, aided and abetted, as they usually were, by Daddy.

  58. rocktonsammy

    I pray each day that there is an animal that Ted is about to shoot but instead the animal eats him.

  59. parenthetical

    Herculean work ethic, eh? My favorite story from Greek myth *is* the one about the 6 Labors of Hercules.

  60. Rusty Shackleford

    It’s just sad what a lifetime of not doing drugs can do to a person’s mental well-being.

  61. trondant

    [re=567381]rocktonsammy[/re]: “Mediocre musician devoured by lemurs” would be a righteous fucking headline for an obit.

  62. Scruffy, The Janitor

    If the U.S.A. is the last best place, doesn’t that technically make it the worst place?

  63. J

    Wasn’t this scumbag busted for screwing a 14-yr-old groupie once? But, er, David Letterman is dirt for telling a mild joke about Palin’s 17-yr-old pregnant daughter? Ahh, there’s that right-wing hypocrisy we all know and enjoy.

  64. Neoyorquino

    ” . . . so long as I can shoot the moose.” Please, Lord. Let that not be a sexual metaphor.

  65. Pat Pending

    I’m so ashamed to admit that I ever liked a Nugent song EVER. But, it was ‘Stranglehold’ and I thought it was great. Hated everything else, including his ‘fine work’ with the Amboy Dukes. Ergh.

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