BLOGS OF THE OIL SPILL  10:52 am April 29, 2010

Offshore Drilling Industry Website Just Reportin’ the Facts

by Ken Layne

Remember when 'Drill Baby Drill' was a Sarah Palin porno movie?
So you work for some oil-industry shill blog with chocolate-sucking amoral sleazebag has-been Newt Gingrich as the spokesbaby, and the 527′s main program is “Drill Here, Drill Now,” and whoops, a predictable thing happens when you line your nation’s coastline with offshore rigs.

So, sure, just stick to the facts with your blog post. And Newt Gingrich can keep getting his million of dollars from the dirty-fuel energy sector, and America can once again stand tall, or at least crawl around on its hands and knees, covered in delicious spilled oil and dead wildlife. Oh yeah and do enjoy the name of Gingrich’s slush fund: [American Solutions For Winning the Future via Wonkette pals The Bourbon Dynasty]

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Hola wonkerados.

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Red Zeppelin April 29, 2010 at 10:58 am

Alt.txt FTW

Spike April 29, 2010 at 11:01 am

Oddly, there is no mention of the Oil Spill on Fox News’ website right now. There is, however, some scaremongering about Puerto Rico becoming a state.

weejee April 29, 2010 at 11:02 am

Could we get the Newtie fitted with one of these here blowhard blowout preventers like the fucking rig shudda had? Maybe for the Newtster fit both ends.

ManchuCandidate April 29, 2010 at 11:02 am

Goodbye Oysters Rockefeller, Hello Oysters Gingrich.

Oysters Gingrich
Take Oysters contaminated with oil from leaking oil rigs
Add powdered detergent and bleach
Flambe with USCG approved lighter

Hmmmm, hydrocarbony goodness

Way Cool Larry April 29, 2010 at 11:02 am

I heard Newtie was a big fan of getting drilled

engulfedinflames April 29, 2010 at 11:02 am

What will be the next disaster to come back and bite these fools?

Hannity, O’Reilly and Beck walk into a bar…

JMP April 29, 2010 at 11:09 am

The oil industry is getting fairly old now; it better beware that Newt’s likely to dump them for a younger, hotter industry while it has cancer.

Terry April 29, 2010 at 11:11 am

I’m not certain that the Drill Baby Drill crowd actually care that there’s a massive oil spill in the Gulf right now.

S.Luggo April 29, 2010 at 11:11 am

Polute Here, Polute Now. Baby.

JamesMichaelCurley April 29, 2010 at 11:15 am

I need medication. Just the boss and me and after two and a half hours I can finally check in with Wonkette with the thought “Now, I can get back to the sane world.”

ph7 April 29, 2010 at 11:16 am

[re=566845]Terry[/re]: Bitters don’t cling to surfboards.

norbizness April 29, 2010 at 11:17 am

He’s divorcing cancer-ridden wives while Rome burns.

Ducksworthy April 29, 2010 at 11:19 am

Gnutt is, never the less, a lying, shite spattered, obese, pig bastard as evidenced by the rest of his shite spattered fat lying blog.

SUPER Chundy April 29, 2010 at 11:21 am

No, no you’ve got it wrong. Oil is the *cleanest* form of energy available to us–NOT!

swarm of bees April 29, 2010 at 11:21 am

[re=566840]engulfedinflames[/re]: Please, please, PLEASE tell me they trip over it! *crickets* Is this thing on?

ph7 April 29, 2010 at 11:22 am

The Deepwater Horizon rig was reportedly not equipped with a shutoff switch that could have been used to try to close the well. Such switches are not required in the United States, but are used in other countries such as Norway and Brazil.

‘Cause, you know, requiring a shutoff switch on a water based oil rig is socialist.

Ducksworthy April 29, 2010 at 11:22 am

Also, any news yet that David Vitter is heading to the gulf coast to begin blotting up oil with his diapers?

Seriously, this will only inconvenience those Louisianans who make their living from or might eat seafood. Or the tourist industry. Also. So Spill Baby Spill.

Baldar T Flagass April 29, 2010 at 11:23 am

Where are John Wayne and Jim Hutton when you need them? Oh yeah, they’re dead.

(Too obscure? Probably.

I am not sure what good it’s going to do calling in the military. Maybe they can perform a surgical nuclear strike on the location. Yeah, that’ll help.

Ducksworthy April 29, 2010 at 11:24 am

I clicked on the Corruption tab on Gneut’s site expecting to see a price list.

Cape Clod April 29, 2010 at 11:26 am

If Newtie starts shilling for the nuclear power industry, I’m getting off the planet.

Ducksworthy April 29, 2010 at 11:28 am

[re=566854]ph7[/re]: Shutoff switches are not required in the United States “but are used in other countries such as Norway and Brazil” were the people, not the oil companies, control the government.

JamesMichaelCurley April 29, 2010 at 11:29 am

[re=566838]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Saccharin (benzoic sulfimide) comes from the bottoms of crude distillaries, in the coal tar which is left after everything else is heated out of the crude oil.

Bruno April 29, 2010 at 11:34 am

When was the last time the Drill Baby Drill crowd went to a beach? I thought they wouldn’t want to expose their layers and layers of fatty lard asses in public.

artpepper April 29, 2010 at 11:35 am

Obviously this was caused by government over-regulation.

TGY April 29, 2010 at 11:35 am


Bruno April 29, 2010 at 11:36 am

[re=566840]engulfedinflames[/re]: “What will be the next disaster to come back and bite these fools?”

I remember something about volcano monitoring?

WadISay April 29, 2010 at 11:40 am

Other experts were quick to put the spill into context. Dr. Dagmar Etkin of Environmental Research Consulting said oil seeps naturally from the Gulf floor “at a rate of 1,500 to 4,000 barrels per day”, or as much as two to three times larger than what is currently leaking from the exploded rig. Etkin also mentioned that the constant appearance of oil has produced a large amount of natural bacteria that breaks down oil and reduces contamination.

Still other experts, including a Professor from the College, took their briar pipes from their lips and stated this spill may be related to the recent escape of Rodan, the Flying Monster, off the coast of Japan, or the gay pride parade in New Orleans.

TGY April 29, 2010 at 11:41 am

Yeah, well, this sort of uncovers the strategy behind your half-Muslin president’s ‘Drilling by the Retard States’ plan.

Bruno April 29, 2010 at 11:47 am

“BP says it is spending $6 million a day to battle the oil spill”

OK, $6m / $75 barrell = value of 80,000 barrells a day
+clean up costs
+lost barrells leaking into the sea
+dead fish and other things that could have been consumed as food (because animals aren’t good for anything but eating)
+no more coastal tourist business (OK, that’s a strech for that part of the world)


Tuna Industry Payback April 29, 2010 at 11:49 am

Spill, baby, spill?

BOOBIES! April 29, 2010 at 11:51 am

Wait ’til momma nature whips up one her hurricanes and drags that big puddle of flaming grease to Texas. It’s Mother Nature’s revenge for trying to drill her like a congressional page.

thescooter April 29, 2010 at 11:51 am

The industry lives by the “if you nothing good to say, say nothing at all” axiom

Tuna Industry Payback April 29, 2010 at 11:52 am

[re=566880]thescooter[/re]: Spill here, spill now, say less.

WhatTheHeck April 29, 2010 at 11:53 am

How’s that Oiley/hopey thing working out for ya, Newtie?

JMP April 29, 2010 at 11:59 am

[re=566870]WadISay[/re]: Yep, the regular natural seepage of oil from parts of the ocean floor where life has adapted to it means a surface spill is perfectly safe. Sure. Would Dr. Etkin like us to pour oil all over his front yard and inside his house? It must be perfectly safe.

Dashboard_Buddha April 29, 2010 at 12:03 pm

[re=566849]ph7[/re]: Why are we spilling oil here? Bitter don’t surf.

liquideve April 29, 2010 at 12:08 pm

I like how they cite the White House saying this is no reason to stop drilling… five days ago. When “no oil appeared to be leaking.” Because facts look better with some temporal distortion sprinkled on top.

WhatTheHeck April 29, 2010 at 12:08 pm

Drill Here, Drill Now, Pay Less

Ken, you just don’t think evil enough. Oil company evil.
Estimate how much oil has been lost, how much oil will be lost. Add clean up costs plus Federal fines.
Claim the demand is outstripping supply due to the leak. Estimate how much to raise the cost of gasoline and oil related products to recover the “loss” and then some, and presto, a disaster becomes a capitalist’s wet dream.

comicbookguy April 29, 2010 at 12:10 pm

Well well. According to the news report, this isn’t a big deal at all and the oil will all be eaten by bacteria. So why the big fuss? Mother nature leaks oil all the time. You want to outlaw mother nature? Libtard crybabies.

Also, the more oil we spill, the more oil-eating bacteria get produced. So really this is working out quite well.

How come no comments on the oil blog?

Sussemilch April 29, 2010 at 12:18 pm

[re=566866]TGY[/re]: In the future everyone will be a renegade independent, with people leaving their parties before they’ve even finished winning their first election. It’ll be like the NCAA, but with fat white guys.

RoscoePColtraine April 29, 2010 at 12:19 pm

As long as we can still fill up our SUVs and drive the one-and-a-half blocks to pick up some “bread and milk,” I think we can all agree this minor inconvenience will have been worth it. And if we can’t all agree to that, then we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

O/T: Where the hell is AnnieGetYourFun? Was he/she abducted by space aliens and being probed not in a good way; or find some form of gainful, time-consuming employment of some sort? I miss Annie.

bitchincamaro April 29, 2010 at 12:24 pm

[re=566860]JamesMichaelCurley[/re]: Wait. You work with Gingrich?

Ruhe April 29, 2010 at 12:39 pm

Question: If law suits seeking to stop the wind farm development off Cape Cod are successful wouldn’t that open the door for folks on the Gulf Coast to file suits demanding that drilling be stopped? I mean the folks in MA are suing to protect their “view” for God’s sake while people on the Gulf are facing a genuine disaster.

GOPCrusher April 29, 2010 at 12:40 pm

The Republiklans have moved past The Party Of No. They have officially become The Party Of Epic Fail.
Everything they touch, blows up in their face.

gurukalehuru April 29, 2010 at 12:46 pm

I would think that even for greedy, evil, megalomaiacal corporations an off-switch would be a good idea. Who’s their CEO, Dr. Doofenschmirtz?

Looy April 29, 2010 at 12:46 pm

[re=566836]Spike[/re]: It’s there now. But the Peurto Rico logo is better: “Backdoor to Statehood”

Smoke Filled Roommate April 29, 2010 at 12:55 pm

That’s Gingrich’s slurry fund, not slush fund.

Tommmcatt April 29, 2010 at 12:57 pm


You know what that is? It is a proposed bill in the house which provides Puerto Rico the chance every eight years to decide to vote to become a state; in essence it is a vote to allow Puerto Ricans to vote to see if they want to vote to become a state every decade, more or less.

Glen Beck and Andrew Brietbartocolyspe are presented it as an immediate legislative end-around to get more browns to vote Democrat, and to give all Mexicans everywhere American Citizenship, and to require all of them to fuck your baby sister under penalty of law. Which got wingnuttia up in arms.

So, here we are. Put briefly, just your average Thursday in these United States.

yellowerdog April 29, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Regarding the oil spill off my coast – “Just put a diaper on it”
David Vitter

GeneralLerong April 29, 2010 at 1:09 pm

[re=566941]GOPCrusher[/re]:So? Palinistas have proven that Epic Fail doesn’t prevent entities generously classified as “people” from voting Republican.

Help me out here on the Venn diagram – animals, people, supernatural beings, and…what?…Republizombies? The overlap the adjacent Dead circle?

Hoplight April 29, 2010 at 1:16 pm

[re=566840]engulfedinflames[/re]: Scary thought considering how many Volcanos rose up in answer to Jindal.

Come here a minute April 29, 2010 at 1:22 pm

Newt is the FAIL of the Future.

Dashboard_Buddha April 29, 2010 at 1:23 pm

80k barrels a day x 2 to 3 month to drill a relief well. Eee fuck. The Gulf is screwed.

comicbookguy April 29, 2010 at 1:26 pm

[re=566965]Tommmcatt[/re]: My biggest disappointment is no comments on the Puerto Rico threatens our freedom article. i would love to see the tea bag fury unleashed on that topic!

S.Luggo April 29, 2010 at 1:28 pm

Floating Volcano Forces Jindal To Issues State of Emergency

bunnyhead April 29, 2010 at 1:33 pm

drill baby drill = spill baby spill

Lionel Hutz Esq. April 29, 2010 at 1:37 pm

Look at it from Sarah Palin’s and Newt Gingrich’s perspective, and this is a massive win.

After all, the oil has already spilled, so now there is no reason not to drill baby drill now.

comicbookguy April 29, 2010 at 1:38 pm

[re=567037]S.Luggo[/re]: Is Jindal really such a crybaby? Didn’t he read the Drill Now blog? The oyster’s shells will protect them from contamination! Also, this isn’t even as bad as the worst spill in 1979. With any luck voters are either too young to remember or didn’t live on the Gulf Coast at the time and find themselves taking a nice swim only to have tar balls in their hair, clothes, and towels which they had to throw away, being so mucky they would ruin washing machine if you tried to clean them. And how do you get those tar balls out of your hair so they don’t wind up in the bathtub? Get a haircut, hippie!

So what they hey is he worried about? Dumb libtard.

Someone please send Jindal a link to this informative blog of expert opinion.

Extemporanus April 29, 2010 at 1:38 pm

To be fair, that website does offer a wide range of fashionable, affordably priced footwear.

Native of SL UT April 29, 2010 at 1:41 pm

Seriously, how big of a problem do you have when your solution consists of setting the ocean on fire?

slappypaddy April 29, 2010 at 1:50 pm

no shutoff switch. jesus fucking christ.

Mr Blifil April 29, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Shill, baby shill.

Zorg April 29, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Well, the Gulf is lined with red states, so this should be quite a little game changer. Or not. Let’s see how Glenn Beck figures out a way to blame the spill on That Negro in the White House. And Bobby Jindal! I can’t wait to hear what Mahatma Dandi has to offer on this one. Maybe he’ll be able to exorcise the oil demon.

Smoke Filled Roommate April 29, 2010 at 3:02 pm

[re=567061]Extemporanus[/re]: Payless GooSource?

Snarkalicious April 29, 2010 at 3:45 pm

[re=567075]slappypaddy[/re]: Self correcting problem. Now that they know how much the would have been getting, they know how much to jack up the price in the short term. And I’m sure the actuaries already have the longterm model figured out to recoup the cleanup and lawsuit costs. What other corective safeguards do you think are needed? HENGH!?! IVAN?!?

momus April 29, 2010 at 4:27 pm

I’ve never understood the “Pay Less” part. Are fine American companies like British Petroleum, Royal Dutch Shell, and Citgo going to accept less payment for their oil because it was produced in the US? IMHO, no! Unless some freedom-loving Republican administration implements price controls.

AxmxZ April 29, 2010 at 5:05 pm

drill baby drill
spill baby spill
grill baby grill
krill baby krill

DoktorZoom April 29, 2010 at 6:18 pm

Could we please make plans to collect dead, oil-soaked seabirds and other critters from the spill zone, and dump huge, stinking, petroleum-oozing piles of them at the offices of any candidate who’s chanted “Drill Baby Drill”? Please?

forgracie April 29, 2010 at 9:08 pm

At ground zero. We’re fucked! Yea, a boom’s gonna hold it. Where’s Captain Nemo?

forgracie April 29, 2010 at 9:17 pm

At ground zero. We’re screwed! Yea, employ more booms.. . that will work. Someone send Captain Nemo!

BarackMyWorld April 29, 2010 at 9:57 pm


Jestme April 30, 2010 at 5:18 am

Please folks, from now on we are to refer to the oil spill as Lake Palin.

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