Rick Perry Kills Desert Beast In Elaborate Manhood Ritual

Texas Governor Rick Perry admitted to the press yesterday that he actually occasionally feels fear deep within his mighty, manful chest -- fear of legless, poisonous reptile-monsters. This confession took place in the only context in which a male Texan is allowed to discuss vulnerability or emotions of any sort: as part of anecdote about how he shot some living thing in the head and left its corpse to moulder, out in the blighted wasteland that he calls home.

So, yeah, Rick Perry was out jogging with his daughter's dog and shot and killed a coyote, is the thing. If we had to choose between our own adorable domestic pet and some mangy cur, we'd probably do the same thing, if we carried around a .380 Ruger loaded with hollow-tip bullets when we went jogging! But when we told the story to the press, we would probably not be this hilarious:

"I'm enjoying the run when something catches my eye and it's this coyote. I know he knows I'm there. He never looks at me, he is laser-locked on that dog," Perry said.

"I holler and the coyote stopped. I holler again. By this time I had taken my weapon out and charged it. It is now staring dead at me. Either me or the dog are in imminent danger. I did the appropriate thing and sent it to where coyotes go," he said.

Perry said the laser-pointer helped make a quick, clean kill.

"It was not in a lot of pain," he said. "It pretty much went down at that particular juncture."

Please use the phrase "at that particular juncture" today to make a traumatic but life-affirming moment in your day sound like a dull meeting of middle managers! Perry later drank the coyote's blood and praised its spirit for all the good it had done during its time on this plane of existence.

Perry also said, "Don't attack my dog or you might get shot ... if you're a coyote." Why does soft-on-crime Perry refuse to shoot human dog-threateners? (Thanks to reader "Monsieur Grumpe" for the tip.) [ CBS ]