IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:49 am April 28, 2010

Fun European Countries Going Bankrupt; Are The Boring Ones Next?

by Josh Fruhlinger

  • IMF institutes gyros for euros programRemember when the Europeans all gave up their funny money for the sober euro, and they were One Continent, United, Forever, no more wars, hooray? Well, uh, it turns out that maybe that isn’t working out so well? Nobody wants to lend Greece any money, which in turn makes it hard for it to borrow money, and they can’t just print money anymore because they don’t have their own money, so: problems! Soon it will go bankrupt and be sold to the Italians. It is just like Bear Stearns, but with better seafood. But of course Greece is just the “tip of the iceberg,” money-wise, and soon other relaxed booze-happy euro-fringe countries will follow (Portugal, Spain, Ireland, what have you). In the old days, the countries that were owed money would stone cold invade a place that defaulted on its debt, but since the main creditor here is Germany and everyone’s uncomfortable with them invading things, that probably won’t happen. Stock markets are totally tanking, though! [NYT]
  • Americans trust Democrats more than Republicans to run things by double-digit margins, according to a new WaPo-ABC survey, so naturally they also want to toss out every single member of Congress, which has a Democratic majority. They also think Obama is “just about right” ideologically, because your average American is also a baby bear. [Washington Post]
  • After trying and failing at various techniques to contain that giant oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the Coast Guard is seriously considering just straight up setting the thing on fire, because what have they got to lose? In related news, Ken Salazar is probably going to approve that enormous scenery-blocking wind farm off the coast of Martha’s Vineyard, the fucking hippie. [USA Today/NYT]
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Hola wonkerados.

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Katydid April 28, 2010 at 8:54 am

Leave Germany alooone!!!

yargisbargis April 28, 2010 at 8:55 am

mmmmm….bacon gyros.

snarkistani refugee April 28, 2010 at 8:55 am

Europeans could put on a killer bake sale. Just sayin’.

Katydid April 28, 2010 at 8:58 am

Also too, Salazar was going to make the wind farm approval announcement while pissing on Ted Kennedy’s grave, but Gibbs thought that would be the wrong visuals.

Monsieur Grumpe April 28, 2010 at 8:59 am

Mmmmmmm… flame broiled sea gulls.

WELCOME THRILLHO April 28, 2010 at 9:00 am

The Gulf of Mexico will be 100% crude oil and so-called libruls in Martha’s Vineyard will still be up in arms about a few windmills within view of their precious little haven.

norbizness April 28, 2010 at 9:01 am

They should help retire the debt by selling the sauce in bulk. We all like-a the sauce.

ladymacbeth April 28, 2010 at 9:03 am

breakfast meat!

x111e7thst April 28, 2010 at 9:06 am

You must leave now – you have no choice
Take the servants and ride west
Keep the child close to your chest
When the German troops withdraw
Let hedge funds take the rest take the rest

KnaveOfDiamonds April 28, 2010 at 9:09 am

So, when are a bunch of GS execs going to be called before the European Parliament? Or is the European Commission? Or is it the European Council? I dunno, Europe’s weird.

Naked Bunny with a Whip April 28, 2010 at 9:12 am

I’ll have to try that “set it on fire” idea next time my toilet is broken.

Manos: Hands of Fate April 28, 2010 at 9:18 am

But will Greece still have enough cash to set their cheese on fire? OPA!

One Yield Regular April 28, 2010 at 9:19 am

[re=565802]WELCOME THRILLHO[/re]: All Ken Salazar has to do is ask them to trade.

Chernobyl Soup April 28, 2010 at 9:19 am

The Redneck Riviera is about to get a whole lot more BBQey than it already is.

Geogre April 28, 2010 at 9:19 am

Setting it on fire…and then we can put a windmill in front of the flames and push our dead Hummers to shore.

Amazing how quickly “drill here, drill now” becomes “burn there, burn now.”

Cape Clod April 28, 2010 at 9:21 am

Most people in this area would be for the wind farm if the Cape Wind people hadn’t presented it this way.

“This wind farm is going to make us lots of money and if you even dare raise the slightest objection to our plans, we will smear you as a bunch of entitled, elitist douchenozzles who talk a big game about saving the enviornment as long as it isn’t in your back yard.”

I’m OK with the wind farm, but the Cape Wind guys can suck on 135 bags of 410 foot dicks.

Hello Sunshine April 28, 2010 at 9:22 am

Surely the best European story of the day is Gordon Brown trying to boost his failing poll numbers by accusing little old lady voters of being bigots?

Advocatus_Diaboli April 28, 2010 at 9:22 am

[re=565800]Katydid[/re]: How about pissing on John Kerry instead?

JMP April 28, 2010 at 9:24 am

It would be a nice change of pace for Greece to be bought by the Italians, instead of being conquered militarily by them, as has happened many times before in the last 2200 years.

Suck it, annoying rich New Englanders; the NE poors and middle class could use more energy!

Is this the first non-cartoon post by our esteemed Mr. Fruhlinger? And does this mean our weekly cartoon roundup will be returning?

Lazy Media April 28, 2010 at 9:24 am

I’m not sure who I have less sympathy for, the rich people or the fake Indians who claim their religion bans windmills in their view of the sunrise (but is apparently OK with gigantic container ships). I think I’m gonna say Indians, since the wind farm would be north-northeast of their reservation, and the sun rises in the east to southeast.

Sussemilch April 28, 2010 at 9:24 am

Germany taking ownership of Greece would set a pretty bad precedent, and no one I know speaks a lick of Chinese.

Nigerian Business Executive April 28, 2010 at 9:25 am

Hey Comics Curmudgeon guy, I didn’t recognize you without all those doodles. When did you learn to write about politics without graphics?

Berkeley Bear April 28, 2010 at 9:25 am

I don’t buy that “baby bear” and “just right” crap for a second. My littlest cub is a complete pain in the ass when it comes to food.

Maybe if the Greeks weren’t always so smug about being the “birthplace of democracy” the cool kids would lend them some pocket change.

Herman the German April 28, 2010 at 9:28 am

Unfortunately our invasion skills have declined since the good old times. They have reached roundabout the same deplorable level as American car building skills.
And we aren’t so stupid to invade a country that is completely bankrupt anyway.

bureaucrap April 28, 2010 at 9:30 am

[re=565816]JMP[/re]: It would be more appropriate for Turkey to invade Greece — more recent historical precedent, and Turkey can finally enter the EU by invading it.

I also second you re: Cartoons. Fridays just aren’t the same without cartoons. Welcome back, Josh.

Naked Bunny with a Whip April 28, 2010 at 9:32 am

@Nigerian Business Executive: Perhaps Wonkette has stolen Josh away from ITWorld. Look for many funny posts about Apple products in the near future! (?)

JMP April 28, 2010 at 9:34 am

[re=565814]Hello Sunshine[/re]: To be fair to Brown, based on the article the woman sounded like a Brit teabagger, complaining about taxes and the brown (no pun intended) immigrants, and even starting with “I used to be a Labour voter, but…”

Having said that, the surge in Lib Dem support is a great thing to see, at least from this side of the pond.

Nappied Hypotenuse April 28, 2010 at 9:37 am

There’s just one leeetle problem with the Gyros-for-Euros deal: superintelligent Gyrobots are coming, as they already have for the Döner kebab. (,A href=>video).

PsycGirl April 28, 2010 at 9:37 am

[re=565799]snarkistani refugee[/re]: PsycGirl is attending European Bake Sale. click here if you’re attending

Terry April 28, 2010 at 9:38 am

Ireland won’t go bankrupt as long as they can lure Americans, Canadians, and Australians to come back to gaze longingly at recreations of thatched roof cottages, imagining how their ancestors must have lived. Oh, and to shop for crystal now made in eastern Europe.

Nigerian Business Executive April 28, 2010 at 9:41 am

[re=565824]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Apple products are hilarious. I’m using one right now to type this and I can’t stop laughing.

4tehlulz April 28, 2010 at 9:41 am

Trade Greece to Turkey for Noah’s Ark and a hoax to be named later.

chaste everywhere April 28, 2010 at 9:45 am

“It is just like Bear Stearns, but with better seafood.” Plus Maria Callas. And hunky–albeit not always anatomically complete–statues.
But Gyros for Euros looks suspiciously like the new Quintuple Down from Kythiros Fried Cretan.

WarAndG April 28, 2010 at 9:45 am

We should probably invade them, you know to ah…liberate them from…um…the brutal dictatorship of bankruptcy.

ManchuCandidate April 28, 2010 at 9:47 am

At this point, I think the Greeks are probably saying: Beware of Goldman Sacks bearing advice.

magic titty April 28, 2010 at 9:47 am

So Wonkette didn’t get my resume and headshot, or is Wonkette pretending like they didn’t get my resume and headshot? Was my objective “my erection has been Winning the Morning since 1992″ not appropriate?

mardam422 April 28, 2010 at 9:51 am

[re=565807]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: If it can’t be fixed by hitting it with a hammer or setting it on fire, it isn’t worth fixin’.

Hart88 April 28, 2010 at 9:51 am

Sell the Parthenon to the Chinese – problem solved.

Numbat Dundee April 28, 2010 at 9:52 am

[re=565827]JMP[/re]: She was a “Little Old Lady” and a bigot. This is surely not surprising. What is surprising is that Brown didn’t roll over and apologise and promise to her to kill more of the Muslims for her.

snideinplainsight April 28, 2010 at 9:56 am

I think it would be cool if Apple bought Greece. Imagine souvlaki with 4G and a forward-facing webcam!

Numbat Dundee April 28, 2010 at 9:56 am

[re=565816]JMP[/re]: The Italians stopped being good at conquering things a very long time ago (about the time Russell Crowe and Marcus Aurelius were slaughtering gthe Marcomanni). They actually tried to conquer Greece in 1940 and failed.
Pasta is better than conquest. This is a GOOD thing.

The Toot April 28, 2010 at 10:00 am

Claire McCaskill read that this whole Greece mess is bullshit. Aloud.

Numbat Dundee April 28, 2010 at 10:03 am

[re=565854]snideinplainsight[/re]: As long as they don’t put soggy chips in the Souvlaki. Frigging British tourists have much to answer for.

Hello Sunshine April 28, 2010 at 10:09 am

[re=565852]Numbat Dundee[/re]: According to the BBC, he’s busy doing that right now…

GeneralLerong April 28, 2010 at 10:11 am

Oh, boy, is this great!

Gail Collins on toast!

Dashboard_Buddha April 28, 2010 at 10:11 am

[re=565805]x111e7thst[/re]: Nice

JMP April 28, 2010 at 10:12 am

[re=565839]chaste everywhere[/re]: This thread has me wishing there was a decent place for gyros around here.

[re=565852]Numbat Dundee[/re]: It’s just so impolite to call a bigot a bigot; a much bigger offense than the actual bigotry. The Brits seem to have been infected by some of the worst aspects of our politics.

[re=565854]snideinplainsight[/re]: Then the country would have to change its name to iGreece, and be inundated by hipster douchebags who won’t shut up about how great iGreece is and telling everyone else they need to move there no matter how much they like the country they’re already living in.

Katydid April 28, 2010 at 10:45 am

[re=565854]snideinplainsight[/re]: lololol

Ruhe April 28, 2010 at 10:48 am

[re=565796]Katydid[/re]: You mean “Your lucky they even lend any money to you bastards! Leave Germany alone!”

CthuNHu April 28, 2010 at 10:55 am

She didn’t sound much like a bigot. Yeah, she made one comment about a million Eastern Europeans, but it seemed much more of a “we’re raight oot of munneh en yoor lettin in moor pipl to tek oor jerbs?” thing than a genuine bigot thing. Also, she’s infinitely more calm and eloquent than any of our Murrican bigots. And her unashamed demand for more tax exemptions is rather quaintly charming.

On the other hand, I now see why the Brits can’t stand Brown. Plodding, rehearsed, incapable of listening to, let alone relating to, his lessers, repeatedly interrupting, utterly void of passion: throw this wretch onto the beige dustheap of history.

Go Liberal Dems! Go Liberal Dems! Whatever you stand for.

Ruhe April 28, 2010 at 10:55 am

[re=565929]Ruhe[/re]: Grammar!!! It tasks me!

RoscoePColtraine April 28, 2010 at 10:55 am

Maybe the Grecians could just try making everyone a large baklava platter. I think folks would feel more generous then.

pirate king of the Jews April 28, 2010 at 11:17 am

fish boil for the homeless, double WIN!

Hello Sunshine April 28, 2010 at 11:21 am

[re=565938]CthuNHu[/re]: “I mean, all these Eastern Europeans. Where are they all coming from?”

Madaloon April 28, 2010 at 11:29 am

It is hard to be a hippie in a cowboy hat and bolo tie, but Salazar makes it work.

sati demise April 28, 2010 at 12:25 pm

[re=565812]Geogre[/re]: we have gone from rivers catching on fire in the ’70′s to a whole oceanic gulf catching on fire.

mustardman April 28, 2010 at 12:33 pm

I can understand why the other Euro’s don’t want to lend Greece any money. That country is a basket case. Always has been. Most disorganized country I have ever been to. Only thing Greeks do well is cook with minimal ingredients.

Zadig April 28, 2010 at 12:44 pm

Americans trust Democrats more than Republicans to run things by double-digit margins…

Why do Americans hate America?

GOPCrusher April 28, 2010 at 1:19 pm

I’m torn. The environmentalist in me hopes that they control the oil spill and save the flora and fauna that would be impacted by it. But the asshole in me knows that the people that would be the most affected are the same idiots that bought “Drill, Baby Drill” as a viable campaign slogan, and so I would like to see them suffer and come back with the tired argument that the treehuggers are causing high gas prices. And then force them out on the beaches with their personal toothbrush to clean up the resulting devastation, while reminding them “No Gubmint money for you!”

Naked Bunny with a Whip April 28, 2010 at 1:35 pm

@GOPCrusher: Those people would just blame the spill on government regulation and socialism.

Seanyboy April 28, 2010 at 2:30 pm

[re=565803]norbizness[/re]: juice

Lascauxcaveman April 28, 2010 at 2:31 pm

These richies are bitching about windmills FIVE MILES offshore blocking their views?

Sure they peak out a 440 feet high, but at that distance curvature of the earth is going to take off some of that, not to mention haze, fog and other things you might find off the New England coast.

What exactly is it you’re trying to look at past the five mile mark, people?

bamaboy April 28, 2010 at 2:45 pm

[re=566153]GOPCrusher[/re]: Let the inner environmentalist out. That shit is washing up on my hometown day after tomorrow and the Great State of Alabama doesn’t give a shit.

“That’s what you get for living on the coast” is all we’ll hear.

OfTheTheatricalPersuasian April 28, 2010 at 7:10 pm

Where the fuck are your Peggy Noonan posts?

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