The results of many tragic health studies were dumped on America last night, and the prognosis is Awful. You already knew 67% of us were overweight or obese, but did you know nearly half the adults in this country suffer from either high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or diabetes?
Meanwhile, a 20-year study of British adults — the closest thing to Americans in terms of slovenly losers shoveling “prepared meals” down their throats while watching nine hours of “telly” every night — has found that the U.K./U.S. “special relationship” of smoking, binge drinking, never getting off their lard asses and never eating fruits or vegetables all but guarantees an early death as reward for a miserable life. Depressed? We can tell, by all the chocolate wrappers collected around your filthy, sodden bedding. Those suffering major depression eat twice as many chocolate bars as the rest of you slobs. [Reuters/Medscape Today/CNN/ABC News/LA Times]
- Two-thirds of Americans support Wall Street reform and solid majorities support the major components of the Senate bill, so of course the Republicans blocked further mention of the bill with their 41-vote supermajority. Ben Nelson, the current Joe Lieberman of the Democratic Party, bravely joined the Republican obstruction, but heroic liberals Scott Brown and Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins and Chuck Grassley are all expected to come around maybe today or tomorrow, who knows. [Washington Post]
- Some Iranian cleric said women who dress immodestly are the cause of earthquakes, so a bunch of “Facebook feminists” went to work or school yesterday with their boobs hanging out, immediately causing a terrible 6.5-magnitude earthquake in Taiwan. [Vanity Fair]
IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA
April 27, 2010
We Are Sick, Depressed & Near Death, But Still Better Than the U.S. Senate
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{ 53 comments }
So women dressing immodestly brings on earthquakes. Well i want to live in that place! Bring it on Jerry Lee….a whole lotta shakin’ goin on!!
I am the perfect trifecta for this Wonkette post as I am British, live in America and have really big tits.
Shmeared chocolate swastikas!
I am so happy I stayed up all night out here in CA drinking and debugging code just to be able to to read this super cheery breaking “It’s Morning in America” dispatch. Thanks Wonkette!
At least you have your health.
Oh.
Iranian cleric is stupid. Iran has some of the hottest women in the world. Show it off ladies.
[re=564749]Limeylizzie[/re]: Well shit, sounds like you’re just the perfect trifecta in general.
[re=564749]Limeylizzie[/re]: Yeah for the new world order! I will have one of each with chips!
Will the women of the internet please aim their boobs somewhere else, please?
(There’s a request I never thought I’d make.)
[re=564754]Zadig[/re]: [re=564755]Edywin[/re]: Bats eyelashes furiously…Thanks, adorable Men of Wonkette.
Yay for Weiner snark first thing!
[re=564749]Limeylizzie[/re]: Pics or GTFO.
To cure our unabashed love for KFC double downs, we must sacrifice Rush Limbaugh.
Don’t think y’all skinnies are off the hook, neither. Intestinal troubles, nervousness, and spinal disorders are all yours, and will fill the coffers of your HMO quite nicely, thankyew.
[re=564753]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: Except a lot of them apparently have special dispensation from Allah to wear their legs upside down. More calf than an R. Crumb hottie!!! Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
Why is it always tits? Remember, nice legs can cause natural disasters too. Hopefully not a thighnami, however.
[re=564749]Limeylizzie[/re]: Well, you’re always welcome at my place. If that sounds depressing, please bring chocolate.
Yeah, funny thing about that fat-sick American thing. Life expectancy has been increasing and has gone up about 8 years (from 70 to 78) since 1960 in the US. Not that other people haven’t made higher gains, such as, you know, Costa Rica, who went from 62-ish to 79-ish. See here
Perhaps the Brits can repay us by sharing their orthidonture secrets.
Some Iranian cleric said women who dress immodestly are the cause of earthquakes, so a bunch of “Facebook feminists” went to work or school yesterday with their boobs hanging out, immediately causing a terrible 6.5-magnitude earthquake in
my pants.
[re=564760]El Pinche[/re]: Since Glenn Beck says Dubya is a progressive, I say we sacrifice him in the interests of — um — bipartisanship.
What kind of disasters do butts cause?
Muslim clerics in the middle east continue to make western societies seem fantastically progressive, comparatively. Total win!
[re=564769]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Assunami
Apparently fat, drunk (on chocolate) and stupid is the way to go to be a Superpower.
Suck on that, Dean Wormer!
I moved to socialist Europe, but it didn’t work. I’m still fat.
[re=564769]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Mudslides
[re=564759]Lazy Media[/re]: http://imagecache5.art.com/p/LRG/12/1259/8Y2T000Z/margaret-rutherford.jpg
[re=564774]mumblyjoe[/re]: [re=564769]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Oh, and sinkholes. Also.
I think that Rush Limbaugh’s panoply of health problems is skewing the average.
At least we can still draw photo’s of Muhammed.
Do you “suffer” from diabetes and heart disease, or do you have an f’n awesome time “earning” the disease? Food for thought…
[re=564775]Limeylizzie[/re]: Tits on an ex-Brit, now with Wonkateer wit.
Ah so! I could never understand why they keep asking if the earth moved for me.
What about booties? What can a nice exposed booty cause?
Just askin’ – no reason especially
I have man boobies, in part due to smoking cannabis sativa. What do I cause? Volcanic eruptions?
[re=564749]Limeylizzie[/re]: You have won the morning!
The Brits are getting fat, too? Who would have thought that a diet of beer and deep-fat fried Mars (US Snickers) Bars would be fattening?
[re=564749]Limeylizzie[/re]: Is your bedding sufficiently sodden? Because I can help with that.
[re=564765]TGY[/re]: It looks like the conspiracy between giant agribusiness (High fructose corn syrup in everything!), big pharma, and the insurance giants is working out splendidly. One partner delivers fat, disease ridden drones to the other partner, who manages to keep these flabby, oxygen tank gaspers alive long enough for the insurance companies vacumn away their life savings before dumping the remains on the government dole.
[re=564833]Ken Layne[/re]: Gosh, I am all of a dither now, me Bristols are a trembling with delight.
[re=564849]Mr Blifil[/re]: Dirty, dirty boy.
Sounds like Xtube wouldn’t load up right for Ken Layne’s internets last night….
Don’t worry, Tehran. The only quaking is in my pants.
Remember during the HCR debate when Repubs claimed polls showed a majority of Americans were opposed to the reform bill and therefore Dems were ignoring the will of the people by passing it? Good time…
As someone with the major D-word (actually it’s as much general as major, and sometimes private), I can attest to the chocolate-bar thing. Also chocolate: milkshakes, donuts, mousses (meese?), pudding cups, muffins, pizza, crackers, hockey-pucks . . .
[re=564928]imissopus[/re]: Oh, just give it another 13 months, I’m sure those numbers will come down.
You know, after a year and a month more of blanket obstruction, brain-damagingly-inane chatter, and outright lying by congressional Republicans makes us so fed up and frustrated with the Financial Reform debate, and, by extension, the non-functionality of the very institutions of our Democracy, whilst the bill itself is watered down into a pale, miserable shadow of the legislation it could have been, you’ll probably see those numbers dip a bit, is all I’m saying.
To be truly scientific about the boob thing we need a control planet.
[re=564966]Balls![/re]: Considering how common earthquakes of 6 or higher somewhere in the world are, what we need are large-breasted women (and hell, small-breasted ones too) to keep wearing low-cut tops everyday for a long period, at least a year and compare that to the normal rates.
[re=564768]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I looked into it. Rush and Glenn do not qualify. Our Pagan Gods specify “human” sacrifice, not pig-eyed sacks of dooky.
[re=564851]Limeylizzie[/re]: Now why’d ya have to go and bring HER up? Don’t we talk about the Palins enough here?
[re=565065]JMP[/re]: Wouldn’t we also need man-boobs as a control group? You know, make it look more like one of them there science-y randomized control studies.
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