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  • Portrait of America.The results of many tragic health studies were dumped on America last night, and the prognosis is Awful. You already knew 67% of us were overweight or obese, but did you know nearly half the adults in this country suffer from either high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or diabetes?

    Meanwhile, a 20-year study of British adults — the closest thing to Americans in terms of slovenly losers shoveling “prepared meals” down their throats while watching nine hours of “telly” every night — has found that the U.K./U.S. “special relationship” of smoking, binge drinking, never getting off their lard asses and never eating fruits or vegetables all but guarantees an early death as reward for a miserable life. Depressed? We can tell, by all the chocolate wrappers collected around your filthy, sodden bedding. Those suffering major depression eat twice as many chocolate bars as the rest of you slobs. [Reuters/Medscape Today/CNN/ABC News/LA Times]

  • Two-thirds of Americans support Wall Street reform and solid majorities support the major components of the Senate bill, so of course the Republicans blocked further mention of the bill with their 41-vote supermajority. Ben Nelson, the current Joe Lieberman of the Democratic Party, bravely joined the Republican obstruction, but heroic liberals Scott Brown and Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins and Chuck Grassley are all expected to come around maybe today or tomorrow, who knows. [Washington Post]
  • Some Iranian cleric said women who dress immodestly are the cause of earthquakes, so a bunch of “Facebook feminists” went to work or school yesterday with their boobs hanging out, immediately causing a terrible 6.5-magnitude earthquake in Taiwan. [Vanity Fair]
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53 COMMENTS

  1. I am so happy I stayed up all night out here in CA drinking and debugging code just to be able to to read this super cheery breaking “It’s Morning in America” dispatch. Thanks Wonkette!

  2. Will the women of the internet please aim their boobs somewhere else, please?

    (There’s a request I never thought I’d make.)

  3. Don’t think y’all skinnies are off the hook, neither. Intestinal troubles, nervousness, and spinal disorders are all yours, and will fill the coffers of your HMO quite nicely, thankyew.

  4. [re=564753]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: Except a lot of them apparently have special dispensation from Allah to wear their legs upside down. More calf than an R. Crumb hottie!!! Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

  5. Yeah, funny thing about that fat-sick American thing. Life expectancy has been increasing and has gone up about 8 years (from 70 to 78) since 1960 in the US. Not that other people haven’t made higher gains, such as, you know, Costa Rica, who went from 62-ish to 79-ish. See here

  6. Some Iranian cleric said women who dress immodestly are the cause of earthquakes, so a bunch of “Facebook feminists” went to work or school yesterday with their boobs hanging out, immediately causing a terrible 6.5-magnitude earthquake in

    my pants.

  7. [re=564760]El Pinche[/re]: Since Glenn Beck says Dubya is a progressive, I say we sacrifice him in the interests of — um — bipartisanship.

  8. Do you “suffer” from diabetes and heart disease, or do you have an f’n awesome time “earning” the disease? Food for thought…

  9. [re=564765]TGY[/re]: It looks like the conspiracy between giant agribusiness (High fructose corn syrup in everything!), big pharma, and the insurance giants is working out splendidly. One partner delivers fat, disease ridden drones to the other partner, who manages to keep these flabby, oxygen tank gaspers alive long enough for the insurance companies vacumn away their life savings before dumping the remains on the government dole.

  10. Remember during the HCR debate when Repubs claimed polls showed a majority of Americans were opposed to the reform bill and therefore Dems were ignoring the will of the people by passing it? Good time…

  11. As someone with the major D-word (actually it’s as much general as major, and sometimes private), I can attest to the chocolate-bar thing. Also chocolate: milkshakes, donuts, mousses (meese?), pudding cups, muffins, pizza, crackers, hockey-pucks . . .

  12. [re=564928]imissopus[/re]: Oh, just give it another 13 months, I’m sure those numbers will come down.

    You know, after a year and a month more of blanket obstruction, brain-damagingly-inane chatter, and outright lying by congressional Republicans makes us so fed up and frustrated with the Financial Reform debate, and, by extension, the non-functionality of the very institutions of our Democracy, whilst the bill itself is watered down into a pale, miserable shadow of the legislation it could have been, you’ll probably see those numbers dip a bit, is all I’m saying.

  13. [re=564966]Balls![/re]: Considering how common earthquakes of 6 or higher somewhere in the world are, what we need are large-breasted women (and hell, small-breasted ones too) to keep wearing low-cut tops everyday for a long period, at least a year and compare that to the normal rates.

  14. [re=564768]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I looked into it. Rush and Glenn do not qualify. Our Pagan Gods specify “human” sacrifice, not pig-eyed sacks of dooky.

  15. [re=565065]JMP[/re]: Wouldn’t we also need man-boobs as a control group? You know, make it look more like one of them there science-y randomized control studies.

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