hooker-lovin' slimeballs

Scary Loser Scott Lee Cohen Will Be Governor of Illinois

I'll cut a bitch.Alleged hooker-girlfriend-having/domestic abuser and admitted steroid eater and pawnbroker Scott Lee Cohen is planning to run for governor of Illinois, as an independent. It’s a job for which literally everyone in America is qualified. Cohen won the Democratic primary for lieutenant governor in February after the media had neglected to pay him any mind, because they were too busy twittering “It’s so cold UGH!!!!” or whatever. But they woke up and outed him as a super-strain version of the standard Illinois politician-wackadoodle, and the Dems read the news reports and freaked. So Cohen took his kid to a bar and quit the race. And that’s the end of that, right? NO. HE IS BACK.

Where others saw a creepy failure, Cohen saw gubernatorial potential:

Just weeks later, rumors began to circulate that Cohen was conducting polling to determine what voters thought of him. Officials at Grainger Terry, a consulting firm that helped run Cohen’s lieutenant governor campaign, confirmed Friday that Cohen paid them $30,000 to do the polling in March.

It’s not clear what the poll results actually said, but who cares anyway because politics isn’t a popularity contest, it’s a CALLING. Now Cohen needs to forcibly sex 25K voters into signing his petition to get on the November ballot and attempt to unseat Governor Pat Quinn, who’s admittedly done a poor job of turning his office into a 24-hour clown show. Oh, and JOB ALERT!!! Cohen’s looking for a “suitable” running mate. Ideas, anyone? [Chicago Tribune]

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About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple

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51 comments

  1. Terry

    Illinois? How about Blago? Sure, he was impeached as governor, but who says that precludes him from being Lt. governor?

  2. Aflac Shrugged

    “Two words have kept Illinois from being legitimately pro-hooker: my checkbook.”

  3. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Wait, it’s wrong to take your kid to a bar? ‘Cause I gotta plead ignorance on that one.

  4. Simba B

    Meh. These people are mere pretenders. I’m sorry, but Rod Blagojevich, or more accurately, Rod Blagojevich’s hair, will always and forever be the personification of Illinois politics.

  5. Simba B

    It is too bad that Phil Hartman is dead. I think he would have done a killer Blago impersonation.

  6. pub_option

    Did he find a way to use state funds to pay off this woman? If not he’ll never make it in politics.

  7. Norbert

    Running mate? David Lee Roth, obviously. Adding Lee as a middle name conveys instant credibility with Real America.

  8. JMP

    Scott needs to win this thing, because so far Pat Quinn looks like he might not honor the timeless Illinois tradition of elected Governors resigning or being impeached under a great scandal. The girlfriend-cutter promises to continue with tradition.

  9. JMP

    [re=563981]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: I’ve seen a few people do so when I’ve been in the bar, more so since the moronic smoking ban was enacted; who knows what the hell they’re thinking.

    [re=563984]pub_option[/re]: Wasn’t Jerry Springer reelected mayor of Cleveland after gettinig caught using city funds to pay a hooker? Ah, Ohio.

  10. chidem

    [re=563995]JMP[/re]: The moronic smoking ban? Some of us actually like coming back from an all night boozer and only smelling like bar farts, not the stench emanating from the cigarettes in the dirty fingers of countless scratchy-voiced smokers.

  11. nappyduggs

    [re=563981]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]:

    Nope. Somebody’s gotta drive our sorry asses home.

  12. JMP

    [re=563998]chidem[/re]: Then go to places that choose not to allow smoking instead of forcing people outside even when it’s ten degrees and snowing.

  13. Rosie Scenario

    [re=563986]Norbert[/re]: Just think what Lee Harvey Oswald could have accomplished if he was named Harvey Lee Oswald. What? Too soon?

  14. V572625694

    [re=563981]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: Some states don’t allow you to take kids into a bar.

  15. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=563995]JMP[/re]: In fairness, that was Cincinnati. By all accounts Springer was simultaneously a pretty good mayor and an unrepentant Kennedy-style liberal. (obviously… would have been a dude he was super-tubing otherwise)

  16. Mr Blifil

    As someone who grew up as a kid in Chicago in the late 60s, I will attest that it used to be quite common to take your kid to a bar. I remember being taken to a small bar at the age of 7, and watching the house organist play (every tavern that didn’t have a piano had an organ), over his shoulder. He could tell from my solemn expression I had taken lessons and he asked me if I wanted to play. A few renditions of “Ebb Tide” and “Toot Toot Tootsie Goodbye” later, the sods parked at the bar were glad-handing me and saying “Nice job kid” through their cigar-stuffed lips.

    Because of Dr. Seuss and Charles Schultz and a million or so drunk driving related deaths, the culture seems to have got the idea that parents have other options than simply dragging their kids along on their adult routines, especially the routines involving getting snockered on martoonies and old fashioneds among throngs of strange Dickensian/Runyonesque types.

    It was also more common in those days for a man to choke a bitch and be able to successfully get her to shut her big yap afterward. So Scott Lee Cohen is really the Nostalgia Candidate, and I suppose his running mate should be Garfield Goose.

  17. JMP

    [re=564006]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: D’oh; I hate it when I mix up my shitty industrial Ohio cities.

    [re=564005]V572625694[/re]: Now that would be nice. If there’s one place where you could be free of the things, I’d think it would be a bar; but no.

  18. pirate king of the Jews

    [re=563981]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: It’s wrong to expect your kid to buy a round.

  19. Minnie Mean

    [re=564016]pirate king of the Jews[/re]: unless it’s allowance day. Then of course the kid should buy a round – I mean, c’mon! Kid just got paid!

  20. pirate king of the Jews

    [re=564011]Mr Blifil[/re]: Thanks for the Garfield Goose link, it brought back a lot of memories.

  21. obfuscator

    the candidate in the goobernatorial race is a right wing nutter who actually sponsored a bill in the state senate that would legalize mass euthanasia for dogs. basically a daisy hill puppy farm/auschwitz thing. turns out that a veterinarian in his district has a facility which could be used for such purposes. evil bastard.

  22. zhubajie

    [re=563995]JMP[/re]: Jerry Springer was Mayor of Cincinnati, and his greatest claim to fame was paying a hooker with a bad check.

  23. zhubajie

    [re=564006]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Cincinnati has a city manager, so the mayor is just chair of the city council, not an executive. Springer’s apparently not given up on politics. He supposedly lusts to be an Ohio senator, and hence has a talk radio show on WSAI (I think; it also hosts the exceptionally insane evangelist, Bro. Stair.)

    In general, Ohio politics is as kooky and corrupt as Illinois’, but somehow manages to be ten times as boring.

  24. JMP

    [re=564054]zhubajie[/re]: Springer in the Senate would be so fun, it’s too bad that it’s not likely to happen. David Vitter and John Ensign would fit right in among his guests.

  25. caieva

    Thank you Wonkette for the Chi-town news!
    No-one can pay attention to this with the Blago trial going down – pure theatre Chicago style.

  26. maven

    Hey, isn’t it an American right/rite to cut up your prostitute/witch/girlfriend? Our founding fathers from Salem put in in the Constitution! You guys with your hopeychangey liberal activism are the ones really destroying our nation.

  27. donner_froh

    [re=563981]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: Nothing wrong with taking your kid to a bar. The wrong starts when you use the kids as props in you teary announcement that you are ending your campaign in a press conference held in a bar.

    Not only wrong but strange.

  28. momus

    There are two known cures for political ambition in Illinois — jail time and embalming fluid, which will Scott choose?

  29. Berkeley Bear

    [re=563968]Terry[/re]: Hey, we got that right. He was barred not only from his current job but any elected position in the state.

    Cohen is just insane enough to siphon off 10% or so and hand the job to Bill Brady, a downstate GOP weirdo who tried to get a bill passed to allow mass euthenasia of animals by gassing and managed to avoid any taxes in the last 2 years (in part by realizing capital gains under GOP backed portions of that “evil” stimulus bill). Dude has no plan at all other than “I’m not a Dem” and wouldnt get jack shit done with a Dem dominated legislature.

  30. pondscum

    [re=564028]obfuscator[/re]: This nutter’s home-building company did one of those extreme makeovers things in a town near here this past year. The entire town was a clusterfuck for a week between the production crews, the news crews and the local gawkers. Now, this lovely deserving family has a home on which it is unlikely they can pay the property taxes. But I’m sure it was done out of the goodness of his soul rather than for the free publicity.

  31. Long Form Def Certificate

    I know an attorney on the other side of the border who could pass for this guy. Has the same opinion of women, too. & he’s already lost a municipal judge race (i.e. political experience).

    Now, to move from Wisconsin to Illinois to establish residency.

  32. Tundra Grifter

    [re=564030]zhubajie[/re]: I don’t think it was city funds or a bad check. It was a personal check – leading those interesting in looking into it right back to the guy who wrote it.

  33. Tundra Grifter

    “…his convicted prostitute girlfriend” – proving, once again, you don’t pay ‘em to show up. You pay ‘em to go home.

  34. TakingAmes

    Okay, this asshole went to MIKE MADIGAN and told him he was running as an independent? Was he seriously expecting the Dems’ state party chair support?

    You can tell I’m from Chicago, since this is the part I’m most shocked by. Not the hooker girlfriend beating, not the $54K in unpaid child support, and certainly not the act of taking his kid to a bar (I mean, really, who HASN’T done that).

  35. Berkeley Bear

    [re=564271]TakingAmes[/re]: The more amazing part is he went to Mike Madigan and hasn’t yet disappeared. Mike is playing awfully nice for some reason.

  36. lochnessmonster

    I think all you have to do is consult the Chicago Police blotter and throw a dart to find a running mate in IL. But maybe to get votes outside the Chicago area, you could tap someone from the Kankakee or Decatur city councils to do it…and we always have Oberweiss.

  37. zhubajie

    [re=564013]JMP[/re]: Well, Cincinnati is next door to Kentucky and full of the sorts of people you see on the Jerry Springer show. It is a Southern city.

    Somebody else can describe Cleveland.

  38. zhubajie

    [re=564232]Tundra Grifter[/re]: A personal check that bounced. He thought he could save some money, since she couldn’t sue. However, she could embarrass him in the media, except that he had no shame, and thus could not be embarrassed.

  39. zhubajie

    [re=564569]lochnessmonster[/re]: BBC World Service once did a story on convicts running for Chicago City Council. They even interviewed one guy about his murder conviction and his time in prison.

  40. obfuscator

    [re=564129]pondscum[/re]: his district is just north of me. if i recall correctly, brady opposes school lunch programs for low income children because they are just another example of “big government”. fucker.

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