MEET YOUR CANDIDATES  6:02 pm April 23, 2010

Well, At Least Tim James Has An Aesthetic

by Jim Newell

Okay, one more. Tim James has another ad. Same dramatic pauses. Same wandering all over the damn place. Tim James is a national treasure and should be put in a time capsule. It makes sense to us.

…Does it to you?

[YouTube via this comical Alabama blog King Cockfight]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 172 comments }

Tommmcatt April 23, 2010 at 6:07 pm

Nice haircut, douchebag.

lochnessmonster April 23, 2010 at 6:08 pm

Tim James seems like a very good actor if he were in a Lifetime movie.

rambone April 23, 2010 at 6:08 pm

Filming both ads at the same time saves them the expense of sneaking into the hotel lobby twice.

You gotta keep moving, though, or else the security dude will toss you out on your melodramatic ass.

Jar Jar Was a Senator April 23, 2010 at 6:10 pm

Not “it makes sense to us”, just “it makes sense”. If you add “to us”, you add a subjective uncertainty that makes the subsequent “does it to you?” flow properly like it was written by an adult.

ManchuCandidate April 23, 2010 at 6:12 pm

Big wheels keep on exploding
Nearly kill me on the road
Singing songs about the pollution
I miss Alabamy once again
And I think its a sin, yes

Well I heard lawyers want to just sue her
Well, I heard ole Tim shut’em down
Well, I hope Lawyers will remember
That Tim James don’t need them around anyhow

Pro bidniz Alabama
Where the skies are so thick
Pro bidniz Alabama
Lord, I’m coming home to you

Old Tim James a GOPer for governor
Now we all did what we could do
Drinking arsenic does not bother me
Does your declining health bother you?
Tell the truth

Pro bidniz Alabama
Where the taxes are so low
Pro bidniz Alabama
Lord, we’ll suck more Fed money
Here I come Alabama

SmutBoffin April 23, 2010 at 6:13 pm

“I’m not a lawyer, I’m a businessman. Wait, I’m not that either, sorry, I’m a high-school football coach who like to wear a Bear Bryant hat while I fuck my wife.

Shit. OK. Ya got me. I’m not that either. I’m the assistant manager of a Chick-Fil-A filming fake political ads in a house I broke into.”

Gorillionaire April 23, 2010 at 6:13 pm

Who can I sue over this crappy commercial?

Snarkalicious April 23, 2010 at 6:14 pm

If this guy’s gonna make it in the biz, he’d better have a BIIIIG dick.

V572625694 April 23, 2010 at 6:14 pm

Looks like an illegal to me–something about the accent, the constant pacing around, the too-perfect hair. Better stay out of Arizona.

Aurelio April 23, 2010 at 6:15 pm

Tim is a bidnessman. And what kind of bidness is Tim in? The construction, asphalt and industrial waste bidness, that’s what kind. So why would a guy like that want tort reform? Henngh?

Naked Bunny with a Whip April 23, 2010 at 6:17 pm

“I’m not a lawyer. I’m a businessman.”

Because lawyers don’t own or operate businesses.

And no, it doesn’t make sense to me. Perhaps it would help if you actually moved your lips a bit when talking. Try it sometime, Slurry.

Poochie April 23, 2010 at 6:17 pm

Would you buy a used car from this man?

Beck Licks Seer Stones April 23, 2010 at 6:18 pm

Questioning politicians’ motives by saying they don’t want to reform their source of income, while saying you’re a businessman with pro-business policies in the same sentence. Ohh, Alabama, you deserve Charles Barkley in 2014.

happyrock April 23, 2010 at 6:28 pm

Fred Thompson has had a lot of “work done”, hasn’t he. He looks so young and still all common sense trustworthish.

Smoke Filled Roommate April 23, 2010 at 6:28 pm

What is he trying to invoke in those awkward pauses? The Thinker? Shit, he looks like he has adult ADHD.

PortlandSmartAss April 23, 2010 at 6:28 pm

Does he keep his teleprompter on the floor, or does he keep looking down because he’s about to cry?

Also, not to be too grammatical (after all, he’s a Southerner), but the words “frivolous” and “lawsuits” don’t do anything. The two words, put together, simply describe something — something easy to say and hard to define. As it is, every state system, and the federal system, have a procedure for imposing sanctions in response to “frivolous” lawsuit. So really, Mr. James just doesn’t like how legislatures and judges define what is, and what is not, frivolous.

Perhaps Alabama can beat our Arizona for “stupidest legislation of 2010?”

doxastic April 23, 2010 at 6:29 pm

Two words have kept Alabama from being legitimately pro-business: Shitty education.

germansteel April 23, 2010 at 6:30 pm

You know, this guy sounds retarded enough to do real good in Alabama. Real good.

weejee April 23, 2010 at 6:32 pm

Makes scents to me, same as a ‘Bammie outhouse in August. Whooeee, them Yanks in Wisconsin ain’t the only folks who can cut sum cheeze.

Smoke Filled Roommate April 23, 2010 at 6:32 pm

Common sense would be to not look in weird directions in all of your campaign ads.

TeddyKGB April 23, 2010 at 6:33 pm

That businessman is going to need a lawyer when the public finds out about his gay lover/kiddie porn collection/diaper fetish.

Snarkalicious April 23, 2010 at 6:34 pm

[re=563502]PortlandSmartAss[/re]: [re=563484]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Define narrative.

Scandinavian Fetus April 23, 2010 at 6:36 pm

He looks like the piano player in the lounge of a Ramada Inn.

Total class.

Cicada April 23, 2010 at 6:37 pm

WHAT THE HELL DOES HE KEEP GLANCING DOWN AT?

It’s driving me nuts. Is it a short teleprompter? A midget holding cue cards?

ttommyunger April 23, 2010 at 6:41 pm

I’m Tim James. I’ve got a brain the size of a possum’s and a mouth like a torn pocket; when I smile, you can tell MY Chew is RED MAN! GO TIDE!

problemwithcaring April 23, 2010 at 6:43 pm

Does he understand that the job he is applying for is that of a POLITICIAN? and yes, [re=563520]Cicada[/re]: wtf is he looking at? I thought someone started to give him a blow job at the end. Does it to you?

surfacenoise76 April 23, 2010 at 6:44 pm

I always say that if I ever have twins, and they end up being retarded, I’m going to name them Alabama and Mississippi.

Two points to consider before you bash me:

I’m never having kids.

I’m a native Southerner.

Extemporanus April 23, 2010 at 6:46 pm

[re=563520]Cicada[/re]: “Tim James, why do you have a steering wheel on your dick?”

“Oh man oh man, that dang ol’ thang be drivin’ me nuts, I tell you what!”

El Pinche April 23, 2010 at 6:49 pm

Who’s the cromagnon dude and does he have ants in his pants?

Speed Ball April 23, 2010 at 6:50 pm

A smart business man understands that preventing non-english speaking citizens from being able to drive to work does wonders on improving state revenues in a backwards, crumbling shit hole like Alabama.

Tcaalaw April 23, 2010 at 6:51 pm

Is that a Dramatic Chipmunk homage at 0:25-26?

ella April 23, 2010 at 6:51 pm

That’s the best imitation of Stone Phillips I’ve ever seen. Heee!

Fox n Fiends April 23, 2010 at 6:52 pm

if this cunt wins can we then build all of Obama’s nuke plants in ‘bama?

BlueStateLibtard April 23, 2010 at 6:52 pm

Translation: As a businessman, he’d like to do away with the right of the little people to sue because his product has “frivolously” maimed/killed/irreparably harmed you, but would like to reserve the right to sue the shit out of you if you break non-compete contract/infringe on patent/default on loan, etc.

Escape Goat Nation April 23, 2010 at 6:55 pm

I think it’s clear that the actor guy that was too lazy to decide if he wanted to run for President, a position he held in deep contempt, taught the Alabama guy how to walk, talk and reflect on his walking, talking and reflecting for the TeeVee cameras.
Not the Julie Anni guy that thought he could ignore all the peoples not in Flarduh, but the older guy with the low self-esteem since she’s 10 pounds overweight cheerleader wife.

surfacenoise76 April 23, 2010 at 6:55 pm

If AL’s anything like NC (and I’m sure much of it is quite similar), the Messicans are the hardest-working, most upstanding, decent people in many rural areas. Don’t believe me? Go the the local Wal-Mart (the only successful large business in many communities) and who, in general, looks/acts the trashiest, the whites, or the hispanics?

surfacenoise76 April 23, 2010 at 6:56 pm

sorry, above post was meant for the first Mr. James post.

TeddyKGB April 23, 2010 at 6:56 pm

I’m confused; does he drive a truck or not?

soupStain April 23, 2010 at 6:58 pm

Are we sure he isn’t actually a genius? He is thinking really hard at the end of that, or so it appears.

schvitzatura April 23, 2010 at 7:01 pm

Will Josh Brolin portray Tim James in a Oliver Stone-directed biopic?

Smoke Filled Roommate April 23, 2010 at 7:07 pm

[re=563564]TeddyKGB[/re]: Haha, I read that as, “Does he drive a truck or nut?”

Allyson April 23, 2010 at 7:11 pm

I can’t say it any better than Talking Heads did:
I got a girlfriend thats better that this
And you don’t remember at all
As we get older and stop making sense
You won’t find her waiting long
Stop making sense, stop making sense…stop making sense, making sense
I got a girlfriend that’s better than that
And nothing is better that this
( is it? )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bE1Ro_wPGIU&feature=related

One Yield Regular April 23, 2010 at 7:17 pm

Okay, even with my southern background I could barely understand a word. Was he speaking Quebecois?

Also, as a dramatic device, this walking around an empty house and looking down with a melancholic, resigned pause might work better if they added a final shot revealing that, for the whole time, he’s been gingerly stepping over bodies.

El Pinche April 23, 2010 at 7:20 pm

[re=563550]Fox n Fiends[/re]: And then shove all the nuculaarr waste into the mountains of Arizona.

Neilist April 23, 2010 at 7:24 pm

[re=563474]ManchuCandidate[/re]: You left out the Neil Young reference.

“I hope Neil Young will remember
‘Southern Man’ likes to pig-squeal on the ground, anyhow.”

/fixed.

SayItWithWookies April 23, 2010 at 7:25 pm

If Alabama were a daytime soap opera, Tim James would definitely have the atmospherics to be its governor — and if he had an eyepatch he’d win in a landslide.

superfluity April 23, 2010 at 7:28 pm

Tragic news for global comedy and the future of this meme at Wonkette from my Alabama relatives: Tim James will likely lose the primary to “Bradley Byrne,” who is the favored candidate of the “wealthy.”

Moneybomb for Tim James? It makes sense to me.

The Toot April 23, 2010 at 7:29 pm

In his defense/condemnation, Timmy is trailing Judge Roy Moore in the polls. God is amused/amusing.

edgydrifter April 23, 2010 at 7:34 pm

Blast Thickneck!
Dirk Hardpeck!
Bolt Vanderhuge!

I Heart Accuracy April 23, 2010 at 7:37 pm

[re=563589]superfluity[/re]: Aww that sucks. This guy is priceless. Good-looking AND dumb. Someone nominate him for VP, quick!!

AKAM80TheWolf April 23, 2010 at 7:49 pm

[re=563520]Cicada[/re]:

His wife had dropped a deuce on the hardwood floor again–you can see the look of consternation for a fleeting second, and then a dramatic pause and then he starts spewing more shit.

PsycGirl April 23, 2010 at 7:52 pm

[re=563595]I Heart Accuracy[/re]: moderately boring sex tape before the end of the year.

twoeightnine April 23, 2010 at 7:52 pm

Smoove as buttah

Mad Brahms April 23, 2010 at 7:52 pm

[re=563503]doxastic[/re]: Hey now, Alabama is a great place for business, if your business happens to be a drive-thru chitterlings restaurant. (These really exist.)

SmutBoffin April 23, 2010 at 8:06 pm

[re=563593]edgydrifter[/re]: Big McLarge-Huge

iwillsavethispatient April 23, 2010 at 8:18 pm

[re=563520]Cicada[/re]: Pretty sure when he’s looking down in that dramatic pause, he’s just trying to do mental arithmetic (i.e. someone told him to count to three).

Math is hard!

V572625694 April 23, 2010 at 8:44 pm

[re=563550]Fox n Fiends[/re]: Ha ha, al-Abama already has a monstrous Monsanto plant that pumped PCBs into the water until someone finally noticed the that the children of the Poors were coming out a little, uh…weird. Plus they have the chemical weapons “demilitarization” incinerator in Anniston, which is where they’re shipping chem weapons from all over the world to get rid of them, if all goes well. Plus Fort McClellan used to be the the school where the Army trained its Chemical Corps and the radiaton guys. That’s just one little part of the state that I happen to know about, but you begin to think two things: they’ve suffered enough, and no wonder a dipshit like Tim James is considered a viable candidate for elective office.

Cicada April 23, 2010 at 9:12 pm

Two first names. Get a real last name, loser.

Troubledog April 23, 2010 at 9:12 pm

I’m not a homosexual, I’m a businessman. But it seems to me that it’s not gay, unless balls touch.

/looks down

/looks up

Does it to you?

undeadgoat April 23, 2010 at 9:22 pm

I don’t like this pause-and-look-down nearly so much as in the anti-Mexican one. B-, Mr. Businessman for Governor!

RoscoePColtraine April 23, 2010 at 9:26 pm

If he loses the governor’s race, maybe he can get a job as an actor. He can play the guy with constipation, upset stomach, and/or diarrhea in a pepto bismol ad.

Have you no shame, sir? At long last, have you no shame?

N.S.Sherlock April 23, 2010 at 9:36 pm

I’d hit it. But I’ve had a couple of drinks and it’s getting late.

coolcatdaddy April 23, 2010 at 10:07 pm

[re=563647]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: No – erectile dysfunction ad.

S.Luggo April 23, 2010 at 10:14 pm

Mediate: Wonkette disses non-muslim speaking, unilingual, whitey gubernatorial candidate
http://tinyurl.com/2wo5nvb

In Birmingham, they love the governor (boo boo boo)
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell me the truth

Toomush Infermashun April 23, 2010 at 10:22 pm

Yep, it pretty much did it to me – is his wife not at home? Does she know he’s doing this? Wouldn’t she call his psychiatrist, again, if she knew?…

dogscantlookup April 23, 2010 at 10:35 pm

Oh no, too sexy! stop no too sexy! almost makes me happy to be from Minnesota ’till I remember we have Timmy PoPo and Eichmann/BACHMANN. Cant type.. too drunk,DOES IT TO YOU?

S.Luggo April 23, 2010 at 10:42 pm

“This is Alabama; we speak English.” A debatable proposition.

First, they came for the demagogues. And I did nothing. http://tinyurl.com/3yhuzvs

Capitol Hillbilly April 23, 2010 at 10:42 pm

I hate them fucking torts somethin’ awful.

snideinplainsight April 23, 2010 at 11:01 pm

What’s nice about his forehead is that it’s really clear where the axe is supposed to go. Haha!

Sparky McGruff April 23, 2010 at 11:07 pm

[re=563595]I Heart Accuracy[/re]: He’d make a great VP candidate on Palin’s ticket. Though it would be a shame to bump Michelle Bachmann down to Secretary of State.

Sparky McGruff April 23, 2010 at 11:08 pm

[re=563676]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: I hear you can get pulled over in Arizona if they think you’re a Tort. Send ‘em back to Tortugal, that’s what I say. Also.

Sparky McGruff April 23, 2010 at 11:10 pm

[re=563674]S.Luggo[/re]: What he didn’t say, apparently, is that 10 of those 12 “languages” are just dialects of Hillbilly.

accbll April 23, 2010 at 11:18 pm

dem mexicans takin my jobs pickin crops and fixin roofs! TOEFL before American Dream beeyotch.

S.Luggo April 23, 2010 at 11:34 pm

[re=563591]The Toot[/re]:

Super.
— While serving as Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, [Roy] Moore was removed from office in 2003 due to his refusal to remove a monument displaying the 10 Commandments from the Alabama Supreme Court building in Montgomery.
“When I’m asked about the display of the 10 Commandments when I was Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Alabama, I explain that it was not about the 10 Commandments, it was about the acknowledgment of God.” —
http://tinyurl.com/34ec7ae

The pitcher shows Judge Roy undergoing his latest exorcism. And all while reading from the predictions of Nostradamus. Damn, this man is good.

S.Luggo April 23, 2010 at 11:49 pm

[re=563687]Sparky McGruff[/re]: It’s because Timmeh believes that “dialect” ends in a “k”. A matter of upbringing, I guess.

[re=563676]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Dagnabit the French and their fancy desserts.

LowerdPeninsula April 23, 2010 at 11:57 pm

Tim James, I dub thee Sir Bullet-Head of Greensville.

This man would make a perfect Southun’ guvnuh.

AddHomonym April 24, 2010 at 12:00 am

When the screen went black I thought I was gonna be robbed. But then there it was, pow, the payoff! Whooluvzyababy Duzzitayew!?!?!?!?!? Please let there be another season of this series.

BamaMan April 24, 2010 at 12:03 am

What should scare you people is that this guy is only the third craziest MAINSTREAM candidate in the GOP primary (Roy Moore and Bingo Fightin’ Bradley Byrne).

On the Dem side, we get Artur Davis, who makes Harold Ford Jr. look like Bernie Sanders, and Ag. Commissioner Ron Sparks, who makes Sarah Palin look like a competent campaigner. Frightening as it may seem, the situation in Alabama may be about to get a whole lot worse.

sadman April 24, 2010 at 12:04 am

i am toasted by your humor you are wonderful people

Katydid April 24, 2010 at 12:07 am

In the video Tim James comes and goes
Talking of what nobody knows

sadman April 24, 2010 at 12:18 am

katy im new to this you make me laugh then i dont understand bravo

RPolanski April 24, 2010 at 12:36 am

Why the piany in the background? Seems like a banjo soundtrack would have been more authentic.

sadman April 24, 2010 at 12:51 am

rpol my bad i got caught in my penis pump thanks you saved my l p crap im stuck again

sadman April 24, 2010 at 1:00 am

guys that was funny no my computer lost puncuation also

AddHomonym April 24, 2010 at 1:18 am

no one knows what it’s like to be the sadaman

obfuscator April 24, 2010 at 1:26 am

i do declare, this timothy james is simply the living end! he’s also a fuckwitted imbecile who left his best genetic material in the sheets of the motel 6 bed that his parents conceived him on.

sadman April 24, 2010 at 1:31 am

AddHomonym I ahhh no know that reference

sadman April 24, 2010 at 1:36 am

obfuscator, white guy cant type makes me ashamed that pig

Mr Blifil April 24, 2010 at 1:37 am

The reason Alabama needs tort reform is frivolous lawsuits. Why don’t the judges protect the system by throwing out such cases? Because they are all a bunch of big fat fucking Jews. Makes sense to me…does it to Jew?

sowbelly April 24, 2010 at 1:41 am

I don’t talk when I’m tryin’ to work a blackberry seed out of my teeth either.

I’m lyin’, I ain’t got no teeth.

GreenHalo April 24, 2010 at 1:44 am

Speaking of aesthetic: it’s Friday and I’m swilling wheat soda, so I decided to replace that whipped-ass Facebook throbber sidebar with a same-sized porno screencap, titled, appropriately, “Facefuck,” and I’m so happy I can still remember regular expressions when pissed, I just came in my pants. Huzzah!

The world is ending! Embrace the horror!

…Oh, but jokes about priests fucking children are AOK, right? But pas devant les domestiques about blocking annoying-ass social networking spam, am I right? Whatever, this topic is ass, nobody will ever read this far, there’s anti-immigrant red meat RIGHT NEXT DOOR. Kisses!

sadman April 24, 2010 at 1:45 am

Blifil ,nice try we are not all fat reply promptly or suffer thee wonkette consequences1!!!1

sadman April 24, 2010 at 1:52 am

GreenHalo I read this far

naveed April 24, 2010 at 2:01 am

Seems like he forgets near the end, and then WHOA: does it to you??

obfuscator April 24, 2010 at 2:03 am

i was less annoyed by the knockoff sneaker/handbag spammer. help, jim!

sadman April 24, 2010 at 2:12 am

obfuscator if i am the source of your anger i gladly withdraw

obfuscator April 24, 2010 at 2:25 am

[re=563744]sadman[/re]: you are opaque.

sadman April 24, 2010 at 3:03 am

obfusator; wild , man compliment?

Tim April 24, 2010 at 4:27 am

Not only am I also watching these over and over again compulsively, I’m now walking around the house like he is, saying the same things.

Jukesgrrl April 24, 2010 at 6:15 am

And check out this “paid for by Tim James.” It has all the specious reasoning of the ads, minus the creative “acting”: http://www.faithfamilyvalues.com/

Don’t miss the part where he insists, “All decisions and actions of elected officials are to be the same behind closed doors as those seen in the light of day.” Does that mean no more diapers on Republican senators, Tim? Because I certainly don’t want to see something like that … in the lyaht of day.

And did y’all know Tim is “the son of a renowned Alabamian, Fob James, Jr., a former two-term governor of Alabama”? So now we know HOW he managed to own and operate “an asphalt construction business, as well as building and operating an incineration company treating non-hazardous industrial waste” without having to deal with any of that pesky “tort.”

Je-SUS. He must be a real fuck-up not to be running away with this election.

Sparky McGruff April 24, 2010 at 8:48 am

[re=563761]Jukesgrrl[/re]: In ALabammy, “non-hazardous industrial waste” just means you don’t fill out any of that intrusive gub-mint paperwork when you spread the PCB’s around the darkie’s neighborhood.

x111e7thst April 24, 2010 at 9:06 am

States Where Marijuana is One of the Top Three Cash Crops
Average Values 2003 – 2005; Production Values ($1000s)

Alaska New Hampshire
Marijuana $129,223 Hay $16,163
Hay $6,820 Marijuana $10,349

Alabama New Mexico
Marijuana $569,409 Hay $173,963
Cottonp $198,393 Vegetables $98,525
Hay $120,262 Marijuana $41,226

http://www.drugscience.org/Archive/bcr2/cashcrops.html

I have no idea if this is true but its funny.

PalinsAfterbirth April 24, 2010 at 10:09 am

He puts the ass in Asperger’s.

weejee April 24, 2010 at 10:31 am

[re=563706]Katydid[/re]: 俳句栄光

Way Cool Larry April 24, 2010 at 10:36 am

[re=563656]coolcatdaddy[/re]: oh that is perfect!

Aurelio April 24, 2010 at 12:18 pm

[re=563769]x111e7thst[/re]: That is very innarresting, but where is “Hay”?

Mr Blifil April 24, 2010 at 12:39 pm

He reminds me of a villain out of a Russ Myers movie.

RoscoePColtraine April 24, 2010 at 1:10 pm

[re=563749]sadman[/re]: Obtuse man.

[re=563792]Mr Blifil[/re]: LURVE the new avatar. It was my first lol of the weekend!

[re=563756]Tim[/re]: I never pegged you for a drama queen.

imissopus April 24, 2010 at 1:40 pm

One word has kept Alabama from being legitimately pro-business: Alabama

user-of-owls April 24, 2010 at 2:11 pm

Needs more Mike Gravel.

DC Hates Me April 24, 2010 at 2:16 pm

This guy is too ‘Texas’ to be governor of Alabama. Modern, sophisticated Alabamians pretend to be French, not Texan.

nyhfrog April 24, 2010 at 2:57 pm

Yes, we need more southern businessmen to bring back that wonderful southern tradition on how best to treat workers.

the problem child April 24, 2010 at 3:14 pm

“Family Values

The family is a God-ordained institution of a man and a woman, lawfully married, who may have biological or adopted children, and single parents.”

Single parents is now God-ordained?

Potater April 24, 2010 at 3:53 pm

[re=563801]the problem child[/re]: So long as they is OPP’SITE SEX single parents, suh

What Fresh Hell is This? April 24, 2010 at 4:11 pm

In recent years, Hyundai, Mercedes, and ThyssenKrupp have built major facilities and hired thousands of Alabama workers. Damned foreigners.

Dashboard_Buddha April 24, 2010 at 4:14 pm

“”[re=563801]the problem child[/re]: “Single parents is now God-ordained?”
Yes, but only if the father or mother is honorably killed in combat with the Arabs. And only then if the dead soldiers brother steps up to marry his brother’s widow. If there is no brother to take the fallen soldier’s place, the widow shall be stoned to death

Hooray For Anything April 24, 2010 at 4:18 pm

“Damnit voters, I’m a businessman, not a lawyer”

Hooray For Anything April 24, 2010 at 4:20 pm

I looked into the making of the commercial and wasn’t surprised to see it was done by Alan Smithee

nappyduggs April 24, 2010 at 4:35 pm

Hey, G.I. Joe neck, what’s with trying to make it seem as if you’re cool enuf to only have the one name, like Elvis, or Kei$ha? “TimJames” indeed. You’ll have to up your douchebag game just to approach “Stevedave” status.

Birdcrash April 24, 2010 at 5:40 pm

[re=563595]I Heart Accuracy[/re]: There was a time in America when a dumbkopf could aspire no higher than Vice-President. Happily, those days are behind us.

Jukesgrrl April 24, 2010 at 6:12 pm

[re=563801]the problem child[/re]: Let’s hope the sentence structure wasn’t God-ordained.

El Pinche April 24, 2010 at 7:10 pm

WE NEED MORE MEN WITHOUT NECKS AND BRAINS TO LEAD OUR COUNTRY BACK TO OUR FREEDOMS.

jus_wonderin April 24, 2010 at 7:32 pm

Why does he remind me of that past Senator on Law&Order? “Not on my watch!”

Geez, what a poser. Jim = dork.

dijetlo April 24, 2010 at 8:14 pm

Redstate Translatiom:

Howdie, Ah’m Timmah Jimmah. I aint no damn law-ya cause, like you, I’m an idjut.
Ya’ll seen them wet backs runnin’ loose in ahr streets? I think we needs to be doin’ sumfin ’bout that afore it’s too late. If we listened to those damn No’thern liberals about the beaner tsunami, we’all know what’s gonna happen. We let them handle the uppity dahkie problem and damn if’n they didn’t make one of ‘em Preznit.
(Long pause to look down at his pee-pee)
That there is fucked up.
Our four fathers fought so that we could own these filthy, babbling foreigners. That’s our heritage, that’s our right and I aint gonna let some latte sippin’, book readin’, fact knowin’ butt bandit in My-Ass-achussetts tell us we gotta treat those brown savages as anything other than our burden.
So elect me Guvner and I’ll make them wish they’d never swam their dirty asses into our United States, and I’ll see what I can do about the dahky locally. With one of ‘em in the White House, I don’t hold out much hope for fixin’ the uppity negra problem any time soon.
(Long pause as he again looks down at his pee-pee)
That there is what I’m athinkin’, how ’bout yall?

legalize everything April 24, 2010 at 9:52 pm

“Does it to you?” is the new “also, too.”

Hopefully I’ll never have to see another post about him because looking at his racist, ignorant, square-face makes me feel ill. Does it to you?

ThisIsNotAnAvatar April 24, 2010 at 10:10 pm

Two words have inspired me to film this add: bottomless pantsuits. That’s why I wear ‘em. It makes sense to me [looks down, looks back up] Does it to you?

zhubajie April 25, 2010 at 12:27 am

[re=563520]Cicada[/re]: Written his notes on his feets?

LowerdPeninsula April 25, 2010 at 12:59 am

[re=563796]imissopus[/re]: “One word has kept Alabama from being legitimately pro-business: Alabama”

Hey-O!

Still, as all of these bottom of the social barrel states say in moments like these: “Thank God for Mississippi.” At the bottom is always Mississippi. Always. Also.

Jukesgrrl April 25, 2010 at 6:16 am

[re=563828]dijetlo[/re]: My stomach hurts from laughing. I keep picturing him saying, “I aint no damn law-ya cause, like you, I’m an idjut,” then looking up blankly into the camera. It’s the first thing that’s gotten me out of the mood I’m in since my idjut guvner signed her fascist proclamation. Thanks.

Pop Socket April 25, 2010 at 8:35 am

In this speech at a Teabagger Protest, he is so inarticulate he makes Sarah Palin sound like she’s on the Oxford debate team:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OERSE9V3C5w

dijetlo April 25, 2010 at 10:10 am

[re=563847]Jukesgrrl[/re]:
I just think this “tort reform populism” is a riot.
The reason you can’t find a good paying job is that we’re limiting the corporations ability to ram a flaming baseball bat up your ass. The lawsuits just make that prohibitively expensive, so vote for me, shoot a little asbestos up your anus, and stand by for the good times!

Monsieur Grumpe April 25, 2010 at 10:50 am

[re=563850]Pop Socket[/re]:
He’s a random word generator.

x111e7thst April 25, 2010 at 11:09 am

[re=563852]dijetlo[/re]: Alabama is ranked 42 among the states in per capita GDP, right ahead of that other shitpit Arizona. The three highest ranked states are Connecticut, New Jeresy and Taxachusetts, places filled with latte sipping ghey librulz.

guangho April 25, 2010 at 11:29 am

Why does he only have one white shirt yet three sets of white bedsheets?

Chernobyl Soup April 25, 2010 at 12:12 pm

Waaaay off topic but which one of you works for the British Foreign Service? I don’t know how to do the linky thing with the iPhone but there’s an article on CNN about an FS memo suggesting all sorts of fun activities for Pope Rapey when he visits her majesty’s realm. Condoms, abortions, gay weddings… It’s all in there. Bravo.

dijetlo April 25, 2010 at 1:28 pm

Waaay, waaay, waaay off topic but since it’s Sunday and you people are pack of Godless heathens who often find themselves arguing with “The Chosen”, I thought I’d throw you a little ammo from todays bible reading

Isaih 32 6-8

6 For the vile person will speak villany, and his heart will work iniquity, to practise hypocrisy, and to utter error against the LORD, to make empty the soul of the hungry, and he will cause the drink of the thirsty to fail.

7.The instruments also of the churl are evil: he deviseth wicked devices to destroy the poor with lying words, even when the needy speaketh right.

8.But the liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand.

So conservatives are churls and liberals are doing Gods will, it says so in the bible and the bible is never wrong. Now, get thee behind me, Satan.

GleepGlop April 25, 2010 at 3:03 pm

I think there’s a plausible chance that they just ran out of things to say/write

What Fresh Hell is This? April 25, 2010 at 3:24 pm

The interesting thing is that Tim is the product of a wealthy family and attended a relatively elite prep school – the Baylor School, whose alums include Arthur Golden, author of Memoirs of a Geisha;

What Fresh Hell is This? April 25, 2010 at 3:30 pm

… and Tom Jolly of the New York Times. I think he’s putting on the veneer of awe-shucks populism that appeals to the tea-bag crowd. And nothing in Alabama politics is ever as it seems. Remember the new-agey “Education of Little Tree” was written by Asa Earl Carter, the Wallace speech writer who coined the slogan: “”Segregation today, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever.”

obfuscator April 25, 2010 at 3:47 pm

[re=563859]guangho[/re]: maybe the pauses are just him inhaling the aroma from the kerosene soaked crosses in his rumpus room.

libwakman April 25, 2010 at 4:01 pm

Yea..why would poor, exploited, used & abused peeps wish to sue the money grubbing wealthy fat cat mofos. I should file suit against Cracker Tim for making me puke inside my own mouth.

El Pinche April 25, 2010 at 4:12 pm

TimJames/TimJames’ Pickup 2012 : That’s all Amurka Needs

Hooray For Anything April 25, 2010 at 4:34 pm

[re=563852]dijetlo[/re]: Typical “real ‘Merikan” thinking, that the bad ones are not the corporations exploiting people but the people trying to stop the corporations from exploiting people. Of course, you could also look at it that “torts” are usually brought upon by lawyers who are usually seen as elitist types and by elitists types, they mean Jews.

[re=563870]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: Wait, are you telling me that some politician pretending to be folksy and common is actually the scion of a political family who went to elite prep school? That’s shocking. But it’s nice to know that whatever he learned there, he definitely failed theater.

knobwurst April 25, 2010 at 6:13 pm

“I’m Tim James, and A’hm running for Gubnur. I’m worried about union teachers teaching our kids about sex. What do these dirty lazy liberals know about love? That’s why, the first bill A’hm gonna sign is a law legalizing sexual relations between parents and their children. I know what I want my daughter to know about sex, and I’ll teach her, no more no less.

It just makes sense…
[looks down at naked daughter]
Does it to you?”

bitchincamaro April 25, 2010 at 6:20 pm

[re=563828]dijetlo[/re]: That was amazing. ++

rag April 25, 2010 at 10:21 pm

[re=563643]Troubledog[/re]: ftw

foulmouthed mrscreant April 25, 2010 at 10:26 pm

I’m Tim James, bitches! Heh!

Seek April 25, 2010 at 10:27 pm

I guess I’ve watched “O Brother Where Art Thou” too much but I just keep waiting for him to bust out with a “Is you is, or is you ain’t my Constichency?”. He’s all about the Ree Form and a Friend of the Little Man. Problem solved! That’s who is holding the cue cards so low! The Little Man.

foulmouthed mrscreant April 25, 2010 at 10:47 pm

[re=563905]Seek[/re]: Great movie! Too bad Time James won’t count to three, turn his back, walk away, and keep walking…..

foulmouthed mrscreant April 25, 2010 at 10:55 pm

[re=563907]foulmouthed mrscreant[/re]: TIM, you moran.

yeah April 25, 2010 at 10:57 pm

Tim James is vile. I do not defend him. I agree with the point most of the posters here make about his idiocy, his lack of morality and his apparent fascination with his zipper at the end of this clip.
Even so, I would like to point out that a lot of good, intelligent, even liberal people have Southern accents. I really hate it when people like dijetlo make these snide little parodies lumping those who have this accent with people like Tim James. Look, Southern culture has its systematic problems and its crooked, embarrassing politicians. I do not deny that. I just wonder why redneck Southerners are the only group that’s still fair game for liberals to mock and stereotype. Think about it. If you made fun of a black or Hispanic idiot politician relying heavily on her dialect or accent as a punchline or evidence of her stupidity, people would find that offensive. Racist. Not all people with Hispanic accents are idiots. Maybe part of the reason the red states have become so idealistically homogeneous in the past few decades is this blanket condemnation from the rest of the country. Maybe a lot of people there are offended by Northern attitudes toward them. Maybe some of them are offended when people try to define them based on hostile Hollywood stereotypes rooted mostly in events that happened before I was born.
And for God’s sake. Lynard Skynard was 30 years ago people. Sweet Home Alabama references still? Damn.

Mr Blifil April 25, 2010 at 11:19 pm

[re=563909]yeah[/re]: That is an impressive piece of jack-a-napery right there. You are obviously not aware that Tim James is choosing to emphasize his rural dialect as part of a shameful and cynical attempt to manipulate and deceive. In other words he is using the rural Alabama dialect AS A WEAPON. He is not being mocked as part of a broader campaign to register disapproval for mush-mouthed southern whites, he is being mocked for being an inauthentic stooge. Tim James is saying to the viewer, “I say ‘Al-uh-baya-ma,’ enveloping the word in a series of inscrutable schwas, in order to register my superiority as a white Southerner. I ain’t fancy, like some gay Jew who went to law school, I’m the ‘real deal.’” It’s not the lovable accent that we hate, it’s his smug sense of superiority, which he expresses by throwing his conscious appropriation of rural dialect in our face, the way a porn actor would present his dick to his fluffer.

So spare me the w-a-a-a-ambulance about how Southern whites can’t catch a break. If they hang around with diverse members of their communities and espouse liberal beliefs I’m charmed by their idiosyncratic stylings, and don’t have a bad word to say about them. And the Lynard Skynard reference is a perfectly valid subject for further contemplation, and even anger. It is the perfect encapsulation of the teabagger mentality, well before it’s time. You can play Mad Libs with it: “Now Abu Graib doesn’t bother me none. Does your conscience bother you, tell the truth.” Insert whichever conservative disaster you like, claim immunity from feeling shame, invert the accusation on the person feeling shame, proactively amplify the accusation in case of a reflexive denial. As a historical artifact, it’s eminently relevant. Makes sense to me….

….

….

….

Does it to you?

Mr Blifil April 25, 2010 at 11:21 pm

[re=563793]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: +1

lulzmonger April 25, 2010 at 11:36 pm

Following up the pseudo-profound soundbite with a lobotomized blank stare FTW!

“Two words have kept Alabama’s environment from being truly pro-business: SUPRISE BUTTSEX.”

Smoke Filled Roommate April 25, 2010 at 11:46 pm

[re=563909]yeah[/re]: I just wonder why redneck Southerners are the only group that’s still fair game for liberals to mock and stereotype.

If they were liberal redneck Southerners, we wouldn’t have much of a problem.

Pat Pending April 26, 2010 at 1:24 am

[re=563659]S.Luggo[/re]: what the FUCK does that MEAN??? why do they love the governor in Birmingham? Why would someone’s conscience bother them with regards to whether Watergate bothers, or does not bother, someone else? It’s the stupidest motherfucking song, except for one of the many, too many really, guitar riffs.

PLAY FREE BIRD, FAGGOT!!!

Pat Pending April 26, 2010 at 1:33 am

[re=563909]yeah[/re]: oh, it’s spelled Lynyrd Skynyrd, jackhole. If you’re gonna wax all innell-ek-tu-al on our asses, at least get your cultural references worked out. (Named for their jackhole PE teacher, Leonard Skinner.)

El Pinche April 26, 2010 at 1:37 am

[re=563909]yeah[/re]: We at Wonkette hate everyone regardless of creed, color, geographical location, etc. I stereotype and mock honkeys from coast to coast.

…………………SKYNNNAAARRRHHHHRDD!!

El Pinche April 26, 2010 at 1:39 am

[re=563924]Pat Pending[/re]: Thanks for the info , VH1.

RoscoePColtraine April 26, 2010 at 2:26 am

[re=563909]yeah[/re]:

[Ted Kennedy]: “Chowda. Say it, say it!!!”

There, feel better now, princess?

RoscoePColtraine April 26, 2010 at 2:44 am

[re=563909]yeah[/re]:

Here’s another famous Roscoe, Roscoe Brown. He may not sound too smart, but he shore do sound sexy.

imissopus April 26, 2010 at 3:04 am

[re=563909]yeah[/re]: To quote the great R. Lee Ermey: “There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless.”

I’m sure all those Southern rednecks would be too fair-minded to stereotype me when they are complaining about all the liberal Hollywood types out here in Cali-for-nye-a, right? Jeez, tell ‘em to stop doing things like declaring Confederate History Month and flying the Stars and Bars over the statehouses if they don’t want to be stereotyped.

Maybe a lot of people there are offended by Northern attitudes toward them.

Meh, some Southerners seem to always be offended by something the North is doing: outlawing slavery, for example. Really, I’m bored with hearing about the South’s forever-wounded feelings, and I grew up there.

Jukesgrrl April 26, 2010 at 6:13 am

[re=563925]El Pinche[/re]: [re=563927]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: [re=563929]imissopus[/re]: Years ago my brother was briefly transferred by his company to North Carolina. In traveling around his assigned area, he was constantly lost and the directions he got always started out with, “Go back to Fevil Road…” He remained lost until he finally figured out that Fevil Road was actually “Fayetteville Road.” When he eventually moved, he said it was because he could never fit into a place where his name, Bill, was turned into three syllables, “Bee-ull-ull,” and Fayetteville was compressed into two syllables.

schvitzatura April 26, 2010 at 6:36 am

[re=563909]yeah[/re]:

If you can learn a simple trick, Timmy Jimmy, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.

or spoke or wrote words in a furrin’ language other than “Aluhbahm-ese”

But if Atticus Finch filed a case against Landfill Tim for an egregious EPA violation, he’d be just another bloodsucking solicitor. Even if he was just another cracka from Maycomb, in the County of Maycomb.

Is Boo Radley available to stick a pair of scissors in Tim James’s leg?

Darkness April 26, 2010 at 6:55 am

Maybe a lot of people there are offended by Northern attitudes toward them.

We Yanks do tend to distinguish between human conditions that are outside an individual’s control: skin color, sexual orientation, and conditions that are by choice: being an ignorant dumbfuck who is never personally at fault for their own shitty living conditions and freely act as mindless drooling agents of the power elite by voting for any 50 point IQ policy fucktard who screams about the how the government needs to own every uterus thereby foisting big business, tax-payer raping butt-kissing republicans off on the rest of the country. So feel free to feel offended if you fall in the latter category. I certain do intend to offend.

Ducksworthy April 26, 2010 at 9:43 am

“We built this project – six miles of four-lane highway and a bridge – at no cost to taxpayers,” explains Tim. “Then, we donated the expressway to Baldwin County.” OK. Somebody out there tell me, what bidness man would do such a thing. How is this even possible?

Ducksworthy April 26, 2010 at 9:51 am

[re=563909]yeah[/re]: Darkness said it best.

“We Yanks do tend to distinguish between human conditions that are outside an individual’s control: skin color, sexual orientation, and conditions that are by choice: being an ignorant dumbfuck who is never personally at fault for their own shitty living conditions and freely act as mindless drooling agents of the power elite by voting for any 50 point IQ policy fucktard who screams about the how the government needs to own every uterus thereby foisting big business, tax-payer raping butt-kissing republicans off on the rest of the country. So feel free to feel offended if you fall in the latter category. I certain do intend to offend.”

Personally, I’m more into mocking ignorant dumbfucks regardless of their accent but there certainly seems to be a high correlation between the mouffullasheit accent and being a dumbfuck.

Mr Blifil April 26, 2010 at 10:44 am

[re=563924]Pat Pending[/re]: This is a very important point. I, too, forgot the extra Ys, thereby qualifying as a “jackhole” in perpetuity. Oh well, wouldn’t be the first time.

El Pinche April 26, 2010 at 11:39 am

[re=563931]Jukesgrrl[/re]: I’ll attempt to reply, but you probably moved on to the 20 Wonkette posts this morning (crammers!!!!).

I worked with a guy named Mike who was from Alabama. He was dumb as rock, nice as all get it out, and he desperately needed subtitles. We nicknamed in “Yeh-yah” because he divided everything into syllables too including his favorite word “yeah”. He was too dumb to be a racist..seriously.

El Pinche April 26, 2010 at 11:47 am

[re=564073]El Pinche[/re]: To be fair, I also know a wingnut Alabaman who designs and builds guitar effects. He also needs subtitles, but the smart honkey is an electronics nerd.

Senile Agitation April 26, 2010 at 12:54 pm

[re=563909]yeah[/re]: I agree, there is a lot of useless hardee har har self-congratulatory “I’m-smart-they’re-dumb” (and have sex with their children while playing the banjo!) attitude that is too obvious to be truly funny and reveals outlandish prejudices no better than those it mocks. The purpose of the site IS laughing at the stupidity in politics, fair enough.
But all our easy ‘Hayseeds are so stupid they like Palin, tee hee’ bits miss the point. I would bet very few of those who mock and bemoan are as active and involved in promoting their own not-stupid politics. We point and laugh while the confused congregate and participate. And that’s how stupid wins. USA!

BostonJerry April 26, 2010 at 6:42 pm

One word: Cramazing

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: