Alabama Candidate Will Save So Much Money By… Not Taking In As Much Money In Driver’s License Fees?

  meet your candidates

You may have seen this already, but it is the funniest 30-second spot of the year so far. Tim James, candidate for Alabama governor, is all hot and bothered about them taco-eaters and such like reading in that taco-talk when they get their driver’s licenses at the taco shop. :21 through :27 deserves a Best Dramatic Actor nomination at all of next year’s Awards Season ceremonies. Jesus. UPDATE: We just can’t stop watching this. Why the hell is he walking all over the place? [YouTube]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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145 comments

  1. Elephants Gerald

    Well, if the governor gig doesn’t pan out, he could always play a (lazy fucking) DA on Law & Order.

  2. slappypaddy

    if you don’t speak english, you can live in alabammy without having to listen to the cracker nonsense.

  3. Moonbatting_Average

    What a fool, everyone knows that you wait until December to put out the crappy, overdramatic Oscar-bait

  4. Patty Dumpling

    I don’t know what country you think this is, but if you want to live in MY AMERICA you’d better speak the native language of Great Britain.

  5. loquaciousmusic

    I’ve already watched it twice and posted it to my “Facebook” account.

    DOES IT TO YOU?

  6. Mr Blifil

    He had to break contact with the camera in order to tacitly remind the fluffer that he specifically requested “no teeth.”

  7. Mr Blifil

    Why do “our politicians” make us do stuff? Why would anyone want to be one of those “our politicians?” Oh waitaminnit…

  8. SFinDC

    At :22, he’s clearly looking down at his hand to get the prompt for the exciting dénouement: “Does it to you?” (Also, this ad has weird grammar and an excessive number of cuts, too.)

  9. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Ha ha ha Tim. Joke’s gonna be on you when you’re the minority next year and some Mexican shoots a comercial that says “hablamos espanol en Alabama. Aprendalo, motherfucker.”

  10. Patty Dumpling

    And besides- , , – if we let people at the DMV take tests in a foreign language, next thing you know they’ll be teaching that devil talk to our children in OUR PUBLIC SCHOOLS. So, for the children, please hate Mexican people. And vote for me, Johnny Squarejaw.

  11. Cicada

    That brought a lump to my throat. As a Teabagger would say: Whats hapning to our preshus Englesh languagage?

  12. SayItWithWookies

    Is hostility towards non-English speakers a part of Alabama’s plan to attract foreign investment like BMW and Toyota plants? Because I can see a flaw in their scheme right there — aw hell, who am I to keep them from learning a valuable lesson? Y’all have fun now.

  13. Noonan

    I don’t think it’s worthy of Best Dramatic Actor, I just think dude forget his line, “Does it to you?” So he had to look down to read the script before the grand finale.

    And also, Jesus. Is this “Speak ‘Merkin!” argument really still a winner, politically? I thought that sorta died after 2006. And especially moreso after when, say, the whole world fell apart and everyone lost their jobs in ’08 and then healthcare and then the wars didn’t end and then we told Russia to nuke us and then we told Israel to eff off and states’ budgets turned upside and then everyone lost their house and then tuition went up 1000% and then we bailed out the UAW and then SEIU beat up that old guy and then birth certificate and then death.

    Really, “Speak English” still has legs?

  14. Wonderman

    This is an insult to all Alabama Klingons who will no longer be able to take their driving tests in the language of the empire! Attack the puny humans now!

  15. Sweet Baby Cheeses

    If you don’t speak English and you see a sign that says “Welcome to Alabama”, it means “turn around and go the other way”.

  16. Johnny Zhivago

    If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it’s certainly good enough for the drivers in Alabama.

  17. GOPCrusher

    I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that he said “This is Alabama, we speak English.”
    Really?
    Because to me, it sounds like Boomhower from King of the Hill.

  18. mookworthjwilson

    We all know the Gov. race in Alabama, Mississippi etc. really just comes down to who can claim to hate brown people the most…

  19. you cannot be serious

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Former Republican Hero W speak the Spanglish?

  20. doxastic

    Oh no! Tim realizes only at the very end that his barn door is open. He soldiers on anyhow.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    [re=563231]you cannot be serious[/re]: Uh, yeah. And you could tell when he was speaking it because all the Mexicans would be looking at each other like, “what the hell did he just say?”

  22. Jim Demintia

    Dear Tim James,
    Chinga tu madre, cabron!
    Sincerely,
    Someone born and raised in Alabama

  23. happyrock

    Do the math! You need the Texas School Board approved math book. 6 is outlawed. It’s the devil’s number (666). So is 9 (upside down 6 plus 69 is like that porno your kids aren’t supposed to knopw about).
    It’s cheaper. And another reason to avoid Alabama.

    Am I the only one who thinks he loos like a young Fred Thompson when he does his thoughtful bit there at the end? Shit, I thought we were through with uncle Fred and the red pickup.

  24. Dolmance

    I hate it when those Confederate cocksuckers try to look sincere and heartfelt.

    We should have gone Rwanda on them when we had the chance. If Lincoln hadn’t been shot we would ahve.

  25. rikitikitavi

    [re=563206]SFinDC[/re]: Yeah, you would think a thirty second commercial could be done without splicing together ten different cuts.

  26. snideinplainsight

    Did you know the name “Alabama” is a Muskogean Indian word? It meant “campsite” or “clearing,” and became used as a name for one of the major tribes in the area, the Alabama (or Alabamee) Indians. The Alabama Indians were not the only native people of this region, however.

    The original inhabitants of the area that is now Alabama included:
    *The Alabama tribe
    *The Biloxi tribe
    *The Cherokee tribe
    *The Chickasaw tribe
    *The Choctaw tribe
    *The Koasati tribe
    *The Muskogee (Creek) tribe (including the Abihka, Coochie, and Tallapoosa)

    I’m just using the Google here, people-

  27. iwillsavethispatient

    It’s a simple misunderstanding, he thinks that the driver license exams are translated each time they are taken, instead of being translated once and re-used.

  28. JMP

    The would-be Governor should know that, when you have a simple question, there are fairly simple means to find the answer; these days it’s even available in your own home. Try it; but here for you:

    Why do we offer driver’s license exams in twelve languages? Because the Civil Rights Act of 1964 prohibits discrimination on the basis of national origin, which includes only offering government services in English.

    See how simple that was? And it took less than a minute to find.

  29. slappypaddy

    [re=563197]Patty Dumpling[/re]: Hwæt! wē Gār-Dena in geār-dagum, þeod-cyninga, þrym gefrunon, hu ða æþelingas ellen fremedon.

  30. x111e7thst

    Those gaping nostrils frightened my dog. Now she won’t come out from under the table.

  31. EdFlinstone

    Well I assume Alabamans wont have to pay any taxes anymore once those other 11 language tests are eliminated.

  32. ella

    How are bubbas going to pass the test if they stop giving it in Redneck?

    “Juicy that stop sahn? Wine hell dinjew stop?”

  33. chascates

    There is only one God and He’s Southern Baptist. So Alabama could make money by taxing all the other ‘churches.’

  34. ManchuCandidate

    Heehee. When I’ve traveled abroad and run into US America touristas (not hard to spot, fat/trackpant wearing/loud/fanny pack wearers) I’ve long suspected that those who bitch that no speaks “english” are the same ones who vote for or run on positions like this.

  35. Nappied Hypotenuse

    This house he is wandering through, it is the set from Silence of the Lambs, no?

  36. Zadig

    UPDATE: We just can’t stop watching this. Why the hell is he walking all over the place?

    Don’t get him wrong, he wishes he could drive all over the place instead. He just doesn’t speak English well enough to pass the license test.

  37. Come here a minute

    Why do our politicians make us give drivers license exams in twelve languages?

    Actually, it’s only the ones who get elected, not the losers.

  38. smitallica

    Why do we give driver’s tests in 12 different languages?

    Because people from all over the world live here, even in your shitty backward-ass shitheel state, you bigoted rube motherfucker.

  39. Crank Tango

    [re=563249]snideinplainsight[/re]: you say “clearing” or “campsite,” I say “trailer park.”

  40. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    He’ll save every resident a mere dime with this bullshit, but the real bonus is that they get to hate on brown skinned people. Dude’s practically won already.

  41. WonderWomyn

    Dude step back and stop trying to define my country. Mkay? My America is multi-colored, multi-ethnic, filled with rainbows, a vast array of bewildering religions, and atheists too it speaks a million languages and there still might be room for your Southern old-man white-assed-self IF you cut out the “I’m in charge I get to define the whole country” act right now. Otherwise, you’re out– everyone else is in.

  42. KilgoreTrout_XL

    You could have same some editing money by getting rid of about 30 of those dumbshit fade-outs, you fucking moron. But I guess that’s just the businessman in me talking.

  43. HipHopOpotamus

    Did he get the director of [re=563232]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: I believe, since 1996, the preferred term is “ebonics”.

  44. WonderWomyn

    [re=563271]smitallica[/re]: Yeah. That was about my reaction. Also, I’d like to show up with a bunch of brown folks (self included) speaking anything but English dressed in dashikis and ponchos and turbans and such and just… like SURROUND him so he can’t ever get away from the ~diversity~ –we’d all have little US flags and we’d sing the national anthem in Spanish and French and also the NEGRO national anthem … and rainbows … and… oh whatever bugs him the most.

    grrrrrrr.

  45. WonderWomyn

    [re=563232]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Ain’t nothing more American than jive. Except maybe for how them Indians talk. Why we let these fools say how Brits be talking’s “American?” Ain’t we invented nothing original here?

  46. maven

    30 May 1982, New York Times, “On Language” by William Safire, pg. SM8:
    “That would have been appreciated by ‘Ma’ Ferguson, the Texas Governor,” writes the Rev. J. Carter Swaim, pastor emeritus of the Church of the Covenant near the United Nations in New York, “who, when Spanish was proposed as a second language for school in the Lone Star State, replied: ‘Not while I am Governor! If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it is good enough for Texas children.’”

    English was good enough for Jesus’ driving test, so its good enough for Alabama.

  47. Crank Tango

    [re=563278]WonderWomyn[/re]: what gets me is they act like immigration was invented yesterday or something. I guess it started going downhill for them when immigrants started getting darker. But that doesn’t mean they are racists, no, of course not.

  48. One Yield Regular

    What gall, this guy criticizing other people’s language skills. I’m living proof that being born and raised in the South is not an excuse for continuing to speak like a Deliverance hillbilly when you’re an adult.

  49. obfuscator

    needs moar star wipe.

    also: “duzzittoyew” was obviously workshopped for an hour or so prior to filming. i hope all the outtakes are included on the director’s edition betamax release.

    “up and AT them!”
    “up and at THEM!”

  50. Ducksworthy

    So. A confused hateful fuck is running for Governor of Alabama. Which party I wonder. Clearly a decent Gawd fearing Christian, also.

  51. JMP

    [re=563290]Crank Tango[/re]: Not really; the old-time Irish, Italian and other non-WASP immigrants back in the day were hated by this guy’s philosophical ancestors just as much, although now they’re just another type of white folk and some of those immigrants’ descendants have joined in on the hatred.

    [re=563278]WonderWomyn[/re]:
    Southern man
    better keep your head
    Don’t forget
    what your good book said
    Southern change
    gonna come at last
    Now your crosses
    are burning fast
    Southern man

  52. Ducksworthy

    [re=563301]Ducksworthy[/re]: Sorry. That’s not right, its always been know in the south as mouffullshit. The schools used to try to discourage it but gave that up along with teaching them anything.

  53. BlueStateLiberal

    These people are coming off more and more like the last of a dying race clutching at straws. Good.

  54. Crank Tango

    [re=563299]JMP[/re]: yeah I am just saying that for these assholes looking backward, immigration used to be ok? Cuz seriously, if you are not a “native american,” your ancestors were immigrants, willing or otherwise.

  55. UsuallyCynical

    look at this clown’s website. it is filled with ads of a dramatic pausing/contemplating nature.

  56. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=563337]UsuallyCynical[/re]: It’s sad, but true. About the only thing a true drama queen can do in Alabama is go into politics or get a TLC reality show about having 19-20 kids.

  57. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=563337]UsuallyCynical[/re]: pausing/contemplating: that’s what teleprompters are for

  58. krlars

    Press One for Engleeyish…I had succesfully blocked that montrosity from my head until now. Now’ll I’ll be singing THAT around the house all weekend.

  59. Jukesgrrl

    Whether they give the exam in 12 languages or only English, thousands of the people who pass it aren’t capable of reading and writing in ANY language. Yet they are still permitted to operate killing machines. I don’t, however, imagine Mr. James sees any advantage, financial or otherwise, to drivers (or voters) being literate.

  60. JMP

    [re=563330]Crank Tango[/re]: Oh yeah, well that was OK because they were white. One answer I’ve gotten is that the earlier immigrants were OK because they all immigrated legally; of course, up until the quota system was enacted in the 1920s there basically were no immigration laws, and therefore no such as an illegal immigrant, except for “no Chinese” (with “no hookers” and “no commies” added later).

  61. Godless Liberal

    So hey, this guy is Fob James’ son. You may remember Fob James from such classic hits as “re-instituting ACTUAL CHAIN GANGS” in the mid 90s. That’s the 1990s, not the 1890s, when that would not be weird.

    More of this proud legacy is exactly what Alabama needs to reclaim its status as America’s laughingstock from South Carolina.

  62. WonderWomyn

    [re=563327]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: At first I was going to tell him that I didn’t agree and be rational– then I remembered how much fun it has been to watch the Republican party swing further and further away from rational grounds… so I wrote this:

    “A friend sent me an email of your ad where you say that people should learn ENGLISH. You are so right! and those damn liberals are going to try and say youre racist– that’s all they ever do. Keep being *yourself* and speaking out, Mr. James! Someone needs to do something about what is happening to OUR country. They act like it is wrong to be proud of who we are this is OUR country. I don’t pay much attention to politics but you have my attention now. Keep up the good work! I think there are a lot of folks like me who want someone who speaks to OUR concerns. Don’t let the critics shut you up! AMERICA means speaking English, being Christian, living the way people like us live. We should tell the world! Go TIM!”

    I want him to take this further tell us how he really feels, maybe he’ll say something racist enough to get everyone clued in to how clueless he is… maybe…

  63. PsycGirl

    Aside from the accent (which, as a native Southerner I suspect of being “put on” a bit), does Alabama not have its tests via computer? In which case the test is translated ONCE and hey, that’s already been paid for, why waste money?

  64. One Yield Regular

    [re=563363]Jukesgrrl[/re]: I would vote for having French-style driver’s license requirements in the U.S. Over there you’ve got to fork over a couple thousand Euro and go through a rigorous set of tests before they’ll let you behind the wheel. Proficiency in French – or any other language, for that matter – is almost entirely beside the point.

  65. Tommmcatt

    Save money? Did you factor in the thousands of Pubic Accommodation-based lawsuits the state will have to defend themselves against when your moronic plan comes to fruition?

    Stupid is as stupid does. Seems like common sense. Does it to you?

  66. What Fresh Hell is This?

    Tim is a distant kinsman of mine. I am so sorry. Yes, he and his dad are as dumb as a bag of rocks.

  67. Formerly Preferred

    I looked up the twelve languages in question. One is ASL, which I’m fairly sure is not spoken only by illegal immigrants–and I’m also fairly certain that ASL speakers can’t readily just “learn English,” assuming that there is a spoken component of the test.

    Two of the others are German and Korean. I can understand the state wanting to keep all those Hyundai and Mercedes employees out–after all, it’s not like the State of Alabama has funneled billions of dollars to those companies in an attempt to lure them in in the first place.

    At least this has given me a reason to detest Alabama OTHER than Richard Shelby (R-Mercedes).

  68. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=563282]HipHopOpotamus[/re]: Oh, sheesh, I was kidding.. Tim James is so white, so I was trying to think of the ultimate contrast in language and purposely picked ‘jive’ cause it’s so outdated. But I guess the whole thing is about furriners..

  69. Tim

    I am seriously, SERIOUSLY, considering driving through good ole’ Alabammy with an insane death machine’s worth of dildos, to protest their ban. I want to be known as the person who made Anton Scalia talk about dildos in a Supreme Court decision. I really do.

  70. doxastic

    [re=563372]Godless Liberal[/re]: Fob James’ son, eh? So he’s not so much a “businessman” as opposed to a politician, so much as a man who has spent his entire life sucking on his daddy’s–and friends–titties.

  71. drpangloss

    @Tim: you could get one of those Nerf air pump guns and shoot low weight plastic dildoes at Bama law makers all day. Now that would be a car/foot chase on CNN Id actually pay to see.

  72. The Toot

    Has anyone else pointed out that “Does it to you?” is a sentence fragment lacking a verb, and thus incorrect English?

    Reading 111 comments is hard.

  73. schvitzatura

    Teabaggerese is an English dialect and a driver exam in ‘bama will be available for those that require it.

    So let it be written, so let it be done…

  74. One Yield Regular

    [re=563504]Tim[/re]: Try using them to spell out the Ten Commandments on an Alabama courthouse lawn. That should get some attention.

  75. Zorg

    In Switzerland, they speak four languages, including the ancient dialect of Romansch. If you want Swiss citizenship, you gotta pass tests in all four. Guess Tim James wouldn’t fit in too well amongst them cheese-meltin’, watch-makin’ ski bums with their crazy Socialism an’ all. Bet he can’t even yodel worth a shit. But, he would probably like their ban on structures that look like minarets. Uhm, what’s my point?

  76. HonestInjun

    Lovely and scenic New Zealand offers license tests in a variety of languages spoken by brown people: Arabic, Chinese Simplified and Traditional, English, Gujurati, Hindi, Korean, Maori, Punjabi, Samoan and Tongan. Also, and, too, it’s a freekin SCRATCH TICKET style, no computers, single use and no one here is complaining about costs — oh right, it’s not really about the costs, is it?

    [re=563514]Barrelhse[/re]: [re=563232]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Oh, and this guy James? Jive ass dude ain’t got no brains anyhow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bhTxvzrUFo

  77. Potater

    “Gambling is bad for the citizens of Alabama. Gambling targets the less fortunate, feeds addictive behavior and opens the door to higher crime rates. The concept of a winner at the expense of a loser is in conflict with the principle of the Golden Rule.”

    You just described the Golden Rule of your sacred capitalism, asshole.

    God, I can’t wait for this country to vomit all its wingnuts out into the ocean.

  78. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=563697]snideinplainsight[/re]: We have some good sasquatchin in jobs, education and our budget. Kids are on rocket science… Let the common sense.

    Begin.

  79. schvitzatura

    What about Scots, Irish, Manx, Welsh, and Cornish? You know, the lingo Timothy Jimmy’s ancestral kinfolk likely spoke before catching a ride across the biggish puddle, before serving their seven-year+ indentured tenure.

  80. Rotundo

    [re=563557]Buttery1000[/re]: That should probably be extended to every restaurant. Anyone who isn’t lilly white will be lining up to hock a loogie in Candidate Fer Gubb’ner’s entree. I’d hire a taster myself after this ad…

  81. Rasvar

    Wait a minute. If he changes the tests, how will his housekeeping staff be able to get to work at the Governors Mansion?

    Oh shoot! I forgot. This is Alabama. They still have contraband slaves hidden out back for that from the last KKK rally.

  82. schvitzatura

    Cracka is crackaasscracka.

    How does:

    Despite the significant economic impact of foreign-owned companies, such as Hyundai and ThyssenKrupp, James promises to stop multilingual testing for driver’s licenses in Alabama in favor of English-only testing.

    square with:

    In May 11, 2007, ThyssenKrupp AG announced an investment of €3.1 billion (US$4.19 billion) for building new carbon steel and stainless steel processing facilities in southern Alabama. The announcement came after several months of competition between a site on the Mississippi River in Convent, Louisiana, and a site on the Tombigbee River, near Mount Vernon, Alabama, in Mobile County, about 30 miles north of Mobile.

    and

    Hyundai Motor Manufacturing Alabama (commonly called HMMA) is an automobile factory in Montgomery, Alabama. It is owned and operated by Hyundai Motor Company of Korea.

  83. What Fresh Hell is This?

    And don’t forget Mercedes near Tuscaloosa and all the Korean companies in East Alabama that support the Kia operation in West Georgia.

    Tim’s a businessman, but he never said he’s a “good” businessman.

  84. GaryLawrence

    Why is he walking all over the place? Because this is how the Southern Cracker demonstrates that he is alpha. Not only do you get to view his intimidating physique from various angles so that you know he is thick in more ways that one, you also learn that he is crazy agitated and will slap you with the back of his hand just to relieve tension. And you know he has the confidence that he can get away with it because either you agree with him or you are the Other. It makes sense. Does it to you?

  85. Custersdeadhorse

    Bet the wannabe gubinator doesn’t know this commercial is available in more than English–check out upper left hand corner of screen on YouTube.

  86. snideinplainsight

    The best part of his blog is the letter his mother wrote;

    “Timothy Ellington James was born in Opelika, Alabama on March 3, 1962. We were so poor Fob had to take our decrepit Ford Fairland, “the Gray Ghost,” 30 miles from the hospital to hock it for $300 to get him out of the hospital.

    “Like his father, Tim spent most of his time in the woods watching deer and turkey and all such friends for hours at a time. Later in life we were astounded that he had been listening so much; and, by osmosis, he knew just about everything important there was to know.”

    It makes sense to me -

  87. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=563845]snideinplainsight[/re]: There’s so much in there.. How did he know the exact cost of the Jesus picture? Was the price tag left on it? Also, haircuts is good! Timmah! And not everybody can be “sweet like the Whittle’s”. Good lord.

    It’s not an Alabama resume unless it ends with “Love, Mama”.

  88. What Fresh Hell is This?

    [re=563845]snideinplainsight[/re]: Yeah, they loved him so much they sent him off to boarding school at the first possible moment.

  89. Egregious

    Note to Tim James: It’s not really a racist dog whistle if everyone can see and hear you blowing it.

    Also, people of Alabama, in spite of the fact that your unemployment and poverty rates are among the highest in the nation and the performance of your public schools is atrocious, Mr. James is apparently of the mind that your state’s most pressing concern [INSERT TONY-WINNING, DRAMATIC PAUSE] is the use of multi-lingual DMV application forms!

  90. S.Agnew

    Phil Ochs, whom none of you remember, handled this the right way for Alabama’s neighbor:

    “Oh, here’s to the land you’ve torn out the heart of
    Mississippi find yourself another country to be part of”

  91. snowlady

    [re=563330]Crank Tango[/re]: Even if you are a “Native” American, your people probably came from elsewhere (re the Bering Land Bridge). They just got here first.

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