porn derivatives

Financial Collapse Transvestite-Porn Scandal Finally the Biggest Story In America

AVN breakout performance 2008.The funniest scandal of the Great Depression 2008-201? was this SEC guy fapping furiously to a transvestite porn site at work while the Wall Street/America/Earth money scam was collapsing, in August 2008. In one three-week stretch, this unnamed Securities and Exchange Commission guy employed to police the nation’s financial system went to porno sites 1,880 times. Too much? Don’t judge! And now another 30 SEC employees — including senior officials earning up to $222,000 a year — have been investigated in this federal tranny-porn inquiry. How is this Chuck Grassley’s fault?

The esteemed twitterer and senator requested the summary of the investigation last night, that’s how! Fap fap fap.

The Washington Post reports:

A senior attorney at SEC headquarters in Washington admitted he sometimes spent as much as eight hours viewing pornography from his office computer, according to the report. The attorney’s computer ran out of space for the downloaded images, so he started storing them on CDs and DVDs that he stored in his office.

Uh, doing it wrong?

Sponsored Video

And weepy sleazebag wingnut Darrell Issa is outraged about this! How did liberals sneak this filth into America’s Capitalist Church Headquarters? The Atlantic Monthly website, meanwhile, is getting a jump on what will surely be a thought-provoking cover story in, say, January of next year: “Did Porn Cause the Financial Crisis?” [CNN]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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56 comments

  1. JMP

    Issa has got some great logic going there; because some SEC officials were looking at porn instead of regulating the financial markets, that means we shouldn’t regulate them at all. Does he think that, because some cops eat doughnuts while they should be on control, then we shouldn’t bother keeping murder illegal?

  2. Jennasaurus Rex

    I demand studies of the effect of porn on financial decision-making skills!!! We must draw a positive correlation between gargantuan tits, penile engorgement and the financial crisis. Otherwise the sodomites and the Linda Lovelace win. Also.

  3. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Whew, glad they cleared that up. Instead of viewing porn, the SEC employeess should have been regulating derivatives to which no regulations applied. Issa and Grassley are off the hook after all.

  4. memzilla

    When the directive from the Shrub White House is to un-govern, not govern… to ignore, not pursue… to pardon, not prosecute… what else is there to do but fap fap fap?

  5. ManchuCandidate

    It’s funny to see GOPer Darryl Issa whine and cry about SEC fapping. I saw some testimony recently from a noted former regulator, William K Black basically stating that the regulators appointed by some guy we’ll call, W, and a GOPer dominated (with aid from various blue dog Demrats) ignored all the warning signs of fizkal malfeasance and handcuffed the regulators from doing their jobs. No wonder the SEC guys fapped at work. It’s all a lot of them could do.

  6. thefrontpage

    Now we know why the following people were hired by the SEC as Special Advisers and Special Consultants during the last two years: Larry Craig, Don Sherwood, Gary Hart, Eliot Spitzer, Mark Sanford, Mark McGreevey, Kwame Kilpatrick, Marion Barry, Dan Roethlesburger (sp?!!), R Kelly, Mel Gibson, Stormy Daniels, Traci Lords, John Holmes Jr., Ron Jeremy, Larry Flynt and Tina Tequila.

  7. JMP

    The phrase “Financial Collapse Porn” created the following scene in my mind: “Oh yeah, look it’s another house foreclosure; ooh, kick that family out; man, look at that state employee pension fund, ah it’s value is going straight down; give me another bankruptcy, baby…”

  8. Cranky Little Camperette

    [re=562871]Rasvar[/re]: Now where is that Avenue Q soundtrack…

    GAH! Now that song is stuck in my head! Good thing I don’t have to visit family or go to church or anything!

  9. BOOBIES!

    This explains the all the failings of the Bush administration – financial collapse, no WMDs in Iraq, New Orleans flooding, tax cuts for the rich while going to war in two countries, no funding for the Medicare prescription drug program, unfunded state mandates, no support for scientific research, etc. The entire administration was too busy jerking off to porn to give a damn.

  10. Troubledog

    So all the other financial market disasters that occurred before internet porn, whose fault were those?

  11. nappyduggs

    So, porn built e-commerce, and destroyed capitalisms? Is there anything porn CAN’T do?

    Maybe the teabaggers should embrace porn…in their…revolution…

    Oh, God. Never mind- NEVER MIND!!!!1!1!!!

  12. WELCOME THRILLHO

    When you make $220,000 a year, you fap where and when you please. Free market, or something, bitches.

  13. memzilla

    [re=562892]Troubledog[/re]: That was good old Dead Tree Porn, which was good enough for our forefathers. After all, what do you think was the second book that Gutenberg printed?

  14. SayItWithWookies

    It’s not that I’m disgusted that SEC regulators were looking at porn — hell, they were allowed to do so little actual investigation and enforcement that they probably had more free time on their hands than Mike Brown during Katrina. But the fact that they were saving it on their hard drives? I mean, come on, people — at least try to be surreptitious. And learn to use that “clear browser history” button — The LORD gave it to us for a reason.

  15. V572625694

    [re=562873]JMP[/re]: Ha ha, that’s funny, because Issa got his start by burning down his own store in Cleveland and using the proceeds to start the car alarm business that made him rich. Plus he also claimed he “worked in the Nixon White House” because he was some NSA GI running a tape recorder. He might have caused the 18-1/2-minute gap.

  16. V572625694

    Re Darrell Issa, sorry for the length, but worth it:

    Record Does Not Support All of Candidate Issa’s Claims
    By Gregg Jones, Los Angeles Times Staff Writer
    SACRAMENTO — In his transformation from car-alarm magnate to Republican congressman and, now, candidate for governor, Rep. Darrell Issa has often recalled his rags-to-riches rise in the business world. Issa’s campaign Web site touts an achievement that seems to symbolize his story: “In 1994, Inc. Magazine recognized Darrell Issa as Entrepreneur of the Year.”
    In fact, Issa has never won the prestigious national award. The founders of Outback Steakhouse took the magazine’s top “Entrepreneur of the Year” honors in 1994.
    In an interview, Issa said that he actually had won a local Entrepreneur of the Year contest in San Diego — he lives in Vista in northern San Diego County — and that he hadn’t been trying to suggest that he had received national honors. The local contests are conducted as qualifying rounds for the national award. “I was runner-up three, four, five times, whatever it was — at least three — in San Diego, and then I won the San Diego award,” Issa said. “Nobody would ever imply or mislead to, you know, something as simple as the Entrepreneur of the Year award.”
    In his short political career, Issa — so far the only declared Republican candidate for governor in the special election this fall — has faced both small and large questions about his record in business and the military and his brushes with the law. Republican and Democratic opponents have accused him of concealing arrests as a youth and embellishing his personal story.
    The Times examined Issa’s statements and campaign literature over the past 13 years and compared them with military records and other public documents. The review reveals a number of claims contradicted or were unsupported by records and verifiable facts. The Times offered Issa and his campaign aides opportunities to clarify the discrepancies. In interviews and written statements, Issa and the campaign provided explanations of their position on some questions.

    ‘Irrelevant’ Questions In an interview Saturday, Issa said that questions about his past were “irrelevant to who is Darrell Issa now and who is Darrell Issa as a governor.”
    Among the issues:
    Issa, who served two stints in the military, first as an enlisted man and later as an officer, has said that he was an Army computer research and development specialist. In a 1995 interview, he said that as an officer he had spent four years in the New Mexico desert perfecting electronic warfare techniques that were later used in the 1991 Gulf War. His military records, however, list Issa’s postings during that period as Ft. Riley, Kan., and Ft. Ord, Calif. Those records and Issa’s 1980 Army separation form make no mention of computer training or computer specialty.
    The extent of Issa’s military education as an officer, according to the records, was an eight-week “motor officer” course in 1976 and a four-day “Equal Opportunity United Discussions Leaders Course” in 1978. In the interview, Issa said he had “served at the computer facility” at Ft. Ord’s Combat Development Experimentation Command in the late 1970s and that the Army had sent him to the Boston area for computer training at a commercial school. He said he couldn’t recall the name of the school.
    During his campaign in 2000 for a seat in Congress, Issa said he had received the “highest possible” ratings in the U.S. Army. Military records show that he received a “fair” conduct rating while undergoing basic combat training at Ft. Knox, Ky., in November 1970. In June 1971, while serving with the 145th Ordnance Detachment in Manor, Pa., he received “unsatisfactory” conduct and efficiency ratings. Later ratings were more positive.
    Asked whether Issa stands behind the statement from 2000, Jonathan Wilcox, his campaign spokesman, said: “I would direct your attention to the whole military record, including his highest evaluation from Gen. Wesley Clark.” Issa received a laudatory performance review from Clark in 1980 when he was in the Army Reserve. Clark, a lieutenant colonel at the time, was one of his commanding officers. The review praised Issa for the quality of his work and for “an unusually high standard of professional ethics.” During his 1998 campaign for the Senate, at a time when he was trying to link his candidacy to the legacy of former president Richard Nixon, Issa’s campaign literature said he had been a member of Nixon’s security detail.
    Issa had previously claimed attendance at the 1971 World Series as part of Nixon’s security. Records show that Nixon did not attend the 1971 World Series, said Susan Naulty, archivist at the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda. In recent comments to The Times, Issa has stood by his claim of having served on Nixon’s security detail, but has sidestepped the World Series claim, which has not been repeated in the current campaign. “That’s from something years before, from a misquote, er, you know, interpretation, years before I even ran for office,” he said in an interview earlier this summer.
    The Secret Service, of which Issa was not a part, provides the president’s security. Issa’s explanation for his claim is that he was part of a military bomb disposal squad that provided support to the White House. He was assigned to Nixon’s security on temporary duty, he says. The assignment isn’t listed in Issa’s military records, but temporary duty postings aren’t always reflected in personnel files, experts said. “I was on temporary duty at Ft. McNair back in the ‘70s,” Issa said, referring to a military installation in Washington, D.C. “That was a presidential support unit. It did various things, including it X-rayed things for the president and did travel with the president. I was a private. I got a clothing allowance to buy civilian clothes and, you know, I got temporary duty pay, and it was cool. I never said, ‘look, I was Richard Nixon’s buddy.’ “
    Issa now attributes some of these discrepancies to misunderstandings or omissions from his Army records. He blames Gov. Gray Davis for the questions about his resume, some of which were first raised by fellow Republicans in his 1998 run for the U.S. Senate. “Gray’s job is to get you to ask 30-year-old questions,” he angrily told a Times reporter Saturday at a Sacramento rally, where he accused Davis of “felony behavior.”
    “If you want to be a shill for Gray Davis’ opposition questions, go ahead. We’ve moved on.”

    The Times examination of Issa’s record began with the paper’s request for copies of his military record from the National Personnel Records Center. Such documents are public records and are often examined as part of background reporting on candidates for political office. Times reporters also began reviewing Issa’s statements about his military and business record. Subsequently, The Times contacted Democrats who had conducted research on Issa as a possible candidate for the U.S. Senate in 1998, and they pointed to additional discrepancies in Issa’s record.

    Questions Raised Other discrepancies had been raised by Issa’s former Republican rivals. Some assertions by Issa about his past have been questioned by other news organizations. Some of Issa’s statements in media interviews, campaign statements and official biographies have disappeared from his résumé over the years. During his 1998 campaign, Issa backed away from a claim of having started his car-alarm company “from scratch” after The Times reported that he had taken control of the business in a legal dispute with the original owners. Other statements, such as the one about the Entrepreneur of the Year Award, have become part of the story that Issa offers voters as he runs for governor.
    A spokeswoman for the Ernst & Young accounting firm, which now sponsors the Entrepreneur of the Year competition, said that Issa was one of several winners in the San Diego Entrepreneur of the Year contest in 1994 and was a finalist at least one previous year and possibly two. Wilcox, Issa’s campaign spokesman, said Monday that he had written the biography on the “Issa for Governor” Web site that was launched earlier this month “from previous and existing biographical information.” He acknowledged that he initially thought from reading the material that Issa had won the national award. “If there was any mistake on any bio, I wish somebody would point it out to me so we can clarify what is a small, honest error,” he said.
    Issa speaks often of his rise from a humble upbringing as the grandson of Lebanese immigrants in Cleveland to millionaire manufacturer of car alarms. In his first run for office in 1998, in which he opposed Matt Fong for the Republican nomination to run against Democratic Sen. Barbara Boxer, Issa’s campaign literature promised that Issa’s “up-from-the-bootstraps, career in the military, success in business tale will connect with Californians of every walk of life.” His congressional Web site bills the story as “Living the American Dream.”
    Some of the most persistent questions about that biography involve Issa’s arrest record as a young man. He has been charged twice with car theft, although both cases were later dismissed. He was charged twice with carrying a concealed weapon. On Jan. 16, 1973, Issa pleaded guilty to a reduced charge of possession of an unregistered gun. A magistrate fined him $100, put him on probation and ordered him to pay $107 in court costs. At the time, Issa was a student at Siena Heights University in Adrian, Mich. The arrest was first reported by the Adrian Daily Telegram on July 16. Asked earlier this month about that arrest, Issa told a Times reporter that the gun was an “unloaded, never-fired, in-the-box, little teeny pistol” and said it wasn’t his, although he declined to say whose it was.
    Public records obtained by The Times show that when arrested, Issa was carrying a .25-caliber semiautomatic pistol with seven bullets in its ammunition clip, as well as 44 bullets and a tear-gas gun. He was arrested after being stopped for driving in the wrong direction on a one-way street. In a telephone interview, Donald Payne, the now-retired police officer from Adrian who was one of two arresting officers on the case, said Issa hadn’t contested his ownership of the gun at the time. “He was like, ‘this ain’t no big deal,’ you know,” Payne said. “He was sitting there saying ‘in Ohio you could carry a gun.’” Payne, whose account is backed up by the records from the arrest, recalled that Issa had told him that in Ohio, where he was from, to carry a concealed gun, “all you had to have was a reason, and his reason was for protecting his car and himself.”

    ‘Story Was Phony’ But “at that time, a Michigan off-duty officer couldn’t carry a gun in Ohio, so we knew his story was phony,” Payne said. Asked about the discrepancies between Issa’s statements about the 1972 incident and police records, Wilcox said: “Congressman Issa truthfully recalled the minute details of a minor incident from 31 years ago.”
    Other questions have involved Issa’s military record. In a September 1990 profile in the San Diego Tribune, at a time when the nation was flush with patriotic fervor and poised for war after Saddam Hussein’s invasion of Kuwait, Issa elaborated on his own Army service. Two details were particularly striking: the account of his having attending the 1971 World Series as part of Nixon’s security detail and his account of having turned down an Army offer to send him to prep school and the United States Military Academy at West Point. “I called my father,” Issa was quoted as saying, “and he told me, ‘You really don’t want to go to the academy.’ I took his advice.” Issa’s military records do not reflect an offer by the military to send him to prep school and West Point, although the records would not necessarily do so. Asked Saturday whether he had considered attending West Point, Issa responded angrily. “I was an ROTC-commissioned officer,” he said. “That’s the end of the story. West Point is an irrelevant part. The prep school at West Point is an irrelevant part. My personal military record was illegally obtained by the Boxer campaign from somebody from the White House” under the Clinton administration, he added. “We’re quite convinced of it, whether we can prove it or not. There are details and details and details that have been used against me that are minutiae. At some point you look and say, I’m releasing to you all the publicable records of my military career, and that’s it.”

  17. Way Cool Larry

    [re=562904]SayItWithWookies[/re]: yeah, I don’t get the downloading thing. It’s not like there’s not an endless supply of pron on the net, why do you need to save so many pics? I could see saving a few choice images or movies, but gigabytes of the stuff?

    Unless, the SEC was stuck with 80′s era computers with only a couple hundred megs of storage space. Either way– it’s fucked up.

  18. Way Cool Larry

    [re=562914]V572625694[/re]: wow, another lying repug sack of shit. What a surprise.

    The only thing interesting is whether Issa himself is just a giant liar or if someone powerful is helping him fabricate all this stuff.

  19. magic titty

    [re=562914]V572625694[/re]: I found the girth more difficult to accomodate, actually.

    BTW, alt-text Win for Ken Layne.

  20. Toomush Infermashun

    So, fapping to porn during work, waste of time; commenting on Wonkette during work, positive waste of time – what’s our taxpayer fund for??? – a billion dollars a day in Afganiraqistan, damn good use?….

  21. Breakfast Bourbon

    Wait, so the government agency I used to work for had an IT department that would give you a call if you IM’d at work, and had filters that blocked YouTube, Facebook, and sometimes Gawker, blogspot and wordpress, but at the SEC, they get to not only look at but ARCHIVE porn all day? Damn I should have gone to business school.

  22. JMP

    [re=562916]Way Cool Larry[/re]: Having worked for local government, even top SEC officials using ancient computers with tiny hard drives wouldn’t surprise me. (My department used a mainframe system with the green-on-black monitors. In 1998.)

    [re=562914]V572625694[/re]: Weird how many of lies were about fairly minor, inconsequential things; while others were just ridiculous and easily falsified. Sounds like he’s either a congenital liar or delusional. Or both.

  23. V572625694

    [re=562953]JMP[/re]: Bill Maher has Issa on from time to time, which further demonstrates his congenital fame-whorishness. He’s rather charming, like most socio/psychopaths.

  24. Red Zeppelin

    Any word on their preferences? Do they like Thai ladyboys, big-assed Brazilian trannies, hot Latinas? We need to know!

  25. Mr Blifil

    [re=562992]E-lite-Marxist[/re]: Children of god and their joy-strings, international women with no body hair.

  26. marioninnyc

    I’m sorry. I didn’t read the article. I’m just so happy whenever anyone brings out that glam shut of Ms. Mayor of America. I SOOO wish she’d run for office so we could just splash that picture all over the place. I love the fact that the Republican tent is big enough to support a swishy, lisping, opera-loving, but completely hetero transvestite.

  27. Buttery1000

    Imagine a job interview at the SEC:

    INTERVIEWER: So what qualifies you to work at the SEC?

    INTERVIEWEE: Well, uh … I … I wouldn’t look at tranny porn at work.

    INTERVIEWER LOOKS RELIEVED. INTERVIEWER: You’re hired! When can you start?

    *THE END*

  28. ttommyunger

    Just when I was thinking Issa couldn’t possibly be a bigger douchebag…By the way, why would anybody watch porn more than five minutes? (Pornhub.com)

  29. heathenish

    [re=562923]Way Cool Larry[/re]:

    The only thing interesting is whether Issa himself is just a giant liar or if someone powerful is helping him fabricate all this stuff.
    Karl Rove?

  30. LowerdPeninsula

    Wait, is a porn derivative just a normal derivative, except that it has its genitalia exposed?

    BTW, how fucking stupid do you have to be to be downloading shit to your hard drive on your fucking government-owned work computer? Not only are they wasting our time, but their also 80 years old, apparently. To have so much porn on a hard drive that you have to save to disk gives a new meaning to “my cup runneth over.”

  31. zhubajie

    [re=562874]Jennasaurus Rex[/re]: Also Japanese porn vs. US porn. What effect does tentacle hentai have on economics’ crises?

Comments are closed.