RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  10:39 am April 23, 2010

A Lousy Day For Whales and Christian Jihads

by Riley Waggaman

  • Barack Obama personally uninvited Billy Graham’s crazy Christian jihad-son “Franklin” from speaking at the Pentagon’s National Day of Prayer potluck. Death to America! [RedState]
  • Meet Scott J. Bloch, one of the Bush Administration’s stupidest Jesus freaks in the Justice Department who tried (and failed, hooray!) to destroy America from the inside. [The Awl]
  • Americans face so many potential disasters throughout the day, like the possibility of a diet soda spill or a chicken patty escaping from its sesame seed white bread bun, or becoming the bun. For a complete list of common dilemmas, check out this fantastic Serious Problems Montage. [The Daily Dish]
  • How much did you Like Ike? Enough to maybe bid on his sweet Four Star army man helmet? It will probably cost you a cool 30K in $100 bill-Euros but if you didn’t like him that much, whatever, your loss. [Washington Whispers]
  • Good news, endangered whales! The Humans have reached an important compromise: they still get to kill you with their harpoon Uzis and depth charges, or whatever they typically use for murdering you. [AMERICAblog]
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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ManchuCandidate April 23, 2010 at 11:05 am

Hey Scott, you done your family name proud. Tard.

As for the solution for stupid problems, if one (like aliens for example) watched infomertials and used them as the basis of their intel on US America Society then they might think that US America is seriously haplessly ‘tarded. I’m not sure if this will save us or kill us from alien extermination though as either they seriously under estimate our intelligence (okay, I’m pushing it here) or they decide we’re too stupid to live.

ArkansasFred April 23, 2010 at 11:10 am

YouTube is blocked at work so I can’t see the vid but one problem I face almost daily is irregularly cut brownies. Any solutions?

SayItWithWookies April 23, 2010 at 11:10 am

Awww, poor Franklin Graham, that wooden-headed, tin-eared fool. It’s getting so that real Americans can’t even stand up publically and — sponsored by the US military — announce that another religion is a bunch of evil whores of Babylon intent on our destruction. I mean, it’s just the plain truth — why does Obama hate the plain truth? Oh, and from the comments:

I was about to post on this. It’s outrageous. Billy Graham was welcomed by every president, Republican and Democrat. His son has the same basic values. If he’s not welcome at a National Prayer Day, no one should be.

Hey, I’m down with that.

And I’ve seen Franklin Graham speak on TV on his daddy’s little revivals — the man’s a certified idiot. I’m sure his speaking style has improved since he first appeared, but a few years ago he seemed like he’d never uttered a complete sentence before. He’s truly the Dan Quayle of revivalists.

Mr Blifil April 23, 2010 at 11:10 am

I performed a seven-level wipe shortly after my morning coffee.

JMP April 23, 2010 at 11:12 am

Seeing Graham disinvited is nice; if only it could’ve happened to his father, who’s always been treated way too reverently despite being a huge hateful douchebag. Of course it’s not surprising that the RedStaters once again claim condemning anti-Muslim hatred is surrendering to Al-Quaeda.

hoosiermama April 23, 2010 at 11:14 am

[re=562849]Mr Blifil[/re]: It’s nothing to you, right? Does a five-level wipe only remove some of the porn? Just wondering, not for any personal reasons, or anything.

jennx April 23, 2010 at 11:14 am

“You’ll note it says Army. True, but it was Obama appointees who made the call. Let’s not obfuscate whose responsibility it is.”

Good thing this idiot is just some hack right wing blogger and not, I don’t know, a commentator on CNN.

Cranky Little Camperette April 23, 2010 at 11:14 am

[re=562847]ArkansasFred[/re]: Done and done, my friend!

You can serve them all on your Freedom Tray!

Mumbletypeg April 23, 2010 at 11:16 am

Franklin Graham has spoken out about Islam — the only religion to see its followers carry out violent terrorist attacks on the United States in the name of that religion — and its violent ways

This is my common dilemma of the day, Erickson: Whether you would you like one lump, or two?

coolcatdaddy April 23, 2010 at 11:17 am

I was never a big fan of Franklin’s father, Billy.

The man didn’t meet a war the US waged that he didn’t like. He was just sensible enough to put on a good face for middle America about the whole thing so he didn’t come off looking like an extremist wingnut. Look at this for a different perspective on the guy. Being a North Carolinian, I don’t think any better of Billy Graham than I did Jesse Helms.

weejee April 23, 2010 at 11:18 am

Call me Ishmael, but them spear-chuckers suck.

Mr Blifil April 23, 2010 at 11:26 am

[re=562852]hoosiermama[/re]: Oh I wasn’t talking about my ‘puter.

jetjaguar April 23, 2010 at 11:27 am

to be fair – Fin whales are, in general, assholes

JMP April 23, 2010 at 11:28 am

[re=562848]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Luckily, it may soon be the case that no one will be welcome at the National Prayer Day. A District Judge has already ruled in unconstitutional, and the case is likely to make it up to the Supremes; although what they’ll do is hard to predict (it certainly should be struck down, but probably will come down to Kennedy).

[re=562856]Mumbletypeg[/re]: Erick has also never heard of Eric Rudolph, Paul Hill, Scott Roeder, and many others.

freakishlystrong April 23, 2010 at 11:31 am

I realize CNN is part of the liburl media and all, but I still ain’t clicking on no stinking Red State link. Fooooyck Yoooooooooooooo, Erich.

WadISay April 23, 2010 at 11:37 am

[re=562856]Mumbletypeg[/re]: He’s got a point. I mean, apart from the Catholic church.

Cape Clod April 23, 2010 at 11:40 am

“Scott J. Bloch, one of the Bush Administration’s stupidest Jesus freaks in the Justice Department.”

I don’t know. The Bush Justice Department set pretty high standards for stupid.

SayItWithWookies April 23, 2010 at 11:42 am

Commercial whaling was banned globally in 1982, but Iceland, Japan and Norway continue to hunt under various exemptions, collectively targeting more than 2,000 whales each year.

Iceland? You mean that little rock in the middle of the North Atlantic that’s now begging Europe for money because their laissez-fairegasm ended with them breaking out in little sores all over their fiscal corpus? It’s possible someone could use some leverage to get them to change their ways, no?

[re=562861]JMP[/re]: [Judge Crabb] added: “Recognizing the importance of prayer to many people does not mean the government may enact a statute in support of it, any more than the government may encourage citizens to fast during the month of Ramadan, attend a synagogue, purify themselves in a sweat lodge, or practice rune magic.”

I could see a compromise here — if they named a National Day of Prayer, Atheism, Quiet Contemplation, Self-Flagellation, Sweating, Apostasy And/Or Anything Else You Choose To Do, I think I would be okay with that. How about it, Jesus Nazis? Let’s stop the divisiveness and move forward in a spirit of national togetherness.

hoosiermama April 23, 2010 at 11:46 am

[re=562859]Mr Blifil[/re]: I’ll give you five Newell Bucks to wipe mine, though.

BeWoot April 23, 2010 at 11:56 am

Completely OT, but I’ve been off in the wilderness for a week. I certainly hope everybody was appropriately congratulatory on Mr. Waggaman’s promotion.

whiskey tango foxtrot April 23, 2010 at 11:57 am

Riley I give you a B+ for today’s collection of internets rumors (slow news day, whatdya gonna do) and an A for italicization.

SayItWithWookies April 23, 2010 at 12:03 pm

[re=562879]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh yeah — that quote has a source too:

slappypaddy April 23, 2010 at 12:19 pm

thank you from the depths of my battered and tired old heart for the link to the solutions viddy. i haven’t laughed with such glee, nor been so happy to be an american, in a long time. here’s a big wet virtual kiss for you, and a quick squeeze on one of your happy parts.

Holding Out for a Hero April 23, 2010 at 12:33 pm

Ya know, I believe Jesus Christ hisself told us Christians that when we pray, we should pray in private, so that only God hears us.

Or do wingnuts only pay attention to parts of the Bible that they believe tell them to be nasty to teh wimmens, teh gays, teh poors and anybody that doesn’t believe as they do? (The preceeding was a rhetorical question, brought to you by Holding Out for a Hero. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.)

momus April 23, 2010 at 12:40 pm

Can we call them Jesuhadis or Jessehadis? I wave my trademark rights.

GOPCrusher April 23, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Let me see if I understand this correctly.
Taliban in Afghanistan=Bad
Taliban in America=Good

Lascauxcaveman April 23, 2010 at 1:30 pm

OMG, the “problems” vid was actual clips from real commercials. So much the better for it, since I was expecting an SNL-type lame parody.

(Also, that guy in the black and white clip at teh very beginning was my brother-in-law. Hi Doug! Didn’t know you were on the teevee!)

biznesskommunity April 23, 2010 at 1:41 pm

What kind of “As Seen on TV” product keeps hamburgers from falling out of buns? Are they selling Burger Clamps or toothpicks with little American flags attached? Hmmm… that last one is actually a good idea. I smell money.

OzoneTom April 23, 2010 at 1:44 pm

Stephen Baldwin will lead a christian jihad if you send him some munnize.

Aurelio April 23, 2010 at 1:44 pm

[re=562943]Holding Out for a Hero[/re]: And not as the hypocrites do, he added.

gardettos April 23, 2010 at 1:54 pm

um, Army spokesman Col. Tom Collins?!?!?!?

chascates April 23, 2010 at 2:22 pm


‘… [T]he AFA’s Bryan Fischer sees it as proof that our military has been taken over by “fundamentalist Muslims and homosexual activists”:

Bottom line: you want to know who’s now running the U.S. Army, the U.S. Navy and the Marines and calling the shots where it counts? Fundamentalist Muslims and homosexual activists.

In fact, I’ll predict that there will be a day of prayer at the Pentagon on May 6, and it will feature a Muslim imam, a homosexual clergyman, and no conservative Christians of any kind.

This is not your father’s military. It’s not even your father’s country anymore.

qwerty42 April 23, 2010 at 3:04 pm

Sullivan has this on Franklin Graham (and Sarah Palin!).

surfacenoise76 April 23, 2010 at 6:41 pm

Billy Graham, at least in his younger days, was a semi-decent guy (FOR A BAPTIST!). His son? Not so much.

Beanball April 23, 2010 at 8:16 pm

OMG! Riley Waggaman is no longer an intern!

Whatever is the world coming to?

DC Hates Me April 24, 2010 at 2:25 am

When did Redstate become the Jawa Report? Less RS links, please.

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