rumors on the internets

A Lousy Day For Whales and Christian Jihads

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  • Barack Obama personally uninvited Billy Graham’s crazy Christian jihad-son “Franklin” from speaking at the Pentagon’s National Day of Prayer potluck. Death to America! [RedState]
  • Meet Scott J. Bloch, one of the Bush Administration’s stupidest Jesus freaks in the Justice Department who tried (and failed, hooray!) to destroy America from the inside. [The Awl]
  • Americans face so many potential disasters throughout the day, like the possibility of a diet soda spill or a chicken patty escaping from its sesame seed white bread bun, or becoming the bun. For a complete list of common dilemmas, check out this fantastic Serious Problems Montage. [The Daily Dish]
  • How much did you Like Ike? Enough to maybe bid on his sweet Four Star army man helmet? It will probably cost you a cool 30K in $100 bill-Euros but if you didn’t like him that much, whatever, your loss. [Washington Whispers]
  • Good news, endangered whales! The Humans have reached an important compromise: they still get to kill you with their harpoon Uzis and depth charges, or whatever they typically use for murdering you. [AMERICAblog]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • ManchuCandidate

    Hey Scott, you done your family name proud. Tard.

    As for the solution for stupid problems, if one (like aliens for example) watched infomertials and used them as the basis of their intel on US America Society then they might think that US America is seriously haplessly ‘tarded. I’m not sure if this will save us or kill us from alien extermination though as either they seriously under estimate our intelligence (okay, I’m pushing it here) or they decide we’re too stupid to live.

  • ArkansasFred

    YouTube is blocked at work so I can’t see the vid but one problem I face almost daily is irregularly cut brownies. Any solutions?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Awww, poor Franklin Graham, that wooden-headed, tin-eared fool. It’s getting so that real Americans can’t even stand up publically and — sponsored by the US military — announce that another religion is a bunch of evil whores of Babylon intent on our destruction. I mean, it’s just the plain truth — why does Obama hate the plain truth? Oh, and from the comments:

    I was about to post on this. It’s outrageous. Billy Graham was welcomed by every president, Republican and Democrat. His son has the same basic values. If he’s not welcome at a National Prayer Day, no one should be.

    Hey, I’m down with that.

    And I’ve seen Franklin Graham speak on TV on his daddy’s little revivals — the man’s a certified idiot. I’m sure his speaking style has improved since he first appeared, but a few years ago he seemed like he’d never uttered a complete sentence before. He’s truly the Dan Quayle of revivalists.

  • Mr Blifil

    I performed a seven-level wipe shortly after my morning coffee.

  • JMP

    Seeing Graham disinvited is nice; if only it could’ve happened to his father, who’s always been treated way too reverently despite being a huge hateful douchebag. Of course it’s not surprising that the RedStaters once again claim condemning anti-Muslim hatred is surrendering to Al-Quaeda.

  • hoosiermama

    [re=562849]Mr Blifil[/re]: It’s nothing to you, right? Does a five-level wipe only remove some of the porn? Just wondering, not for any personal reasons, or anything.

  • jennx

    “You’ll note it says Army. True, but it was Obama appointees who made the call. Let’s not obfuscate whose responsibility it is.”

    Good thing this idiot is just some hack right wing blogger and not, I don’t know, a commentator on CNN.

  • Cranky Little Camperette

    [re=562847]ArkansasFred[/re]: Done and done, my friend!

    You can serve them all on your Freedom Tray!

  • Mumbletypeg

    Franklin Graham has spoken out about Islam — the only religion to see its followers carry out violent terrorist attacks on the United States in the name of that religion — and its violent ways

    This is my common dilemma of the day, Erickson: Whether you would you like one lump, or two?

  • coolcatdaddy

    I was never a big fan of Franklin’s father, Billy.

    The man didn’t meet a war the US waged that he didn’t like. He was just sensible enough to put on a good face for middle America about the whole thing so he didn’t come off looking like an extremist wingnut. Look at this for a different perspective on the guy. Being a North Carolinian, I don’t think any better of Billy Graham than I did Jesse Helms.

  • weejee

    Call me Ishmael, but them spear-chuckers suck.

  • Mr Blifil

    [re=562852]hoosiermama[/re]: Oh I wasn’t talking about my ‘puter.

  • jetjaguar

    to be fair – Fin whales are, in general, assholes

  • JMP

    [re=562848]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Luckily, it may soon be the case that no one will be welcome at the National Prayer Day. A District Judge has already ruled in unconstitutional, and the case is likely to make it up to the Supremes; although what they’ll do is hard to predict (it certainly should be struck down, but probably will come down to Kennedy).

    [re=562856]Mumbletypeg[/re]: Erick has also never heard of Eric Rudolph, Paul Hill, Scott Roeder, and many others.

  • freakishlystrong

    I realize CNN is part of the liburl media and all, but I still ain’t clicking on no stinking Red State link. Fooooyck Yoooooooooooooo, Erich.

  • WadISay

    [re=562856]Mumbletypeg[/re]: He’s got a point. I mean, apart from the Catholic church.

  • Cape Clod

    “Scott J. Bloch, one of the Bush Administration’s stupidest Jesus freaks in the Justice Department.”

    I don’t know. The Bush Justice Department set pretty high standards for stupid.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Commercial whaling was banned globally in 1982, but Iceland, Japan and Norway continue to hunt under various exemptions, collectively targeting more than 2,000 whales each year.

    Iceland? You mean that little rock in the middle of the North Atlantic that’s now begging Europe for money because their laissez-fairegasm ended with them breaking out in little sores all over their fiscal corpus? It’s possible someone could use some leverage to get them to change their ways, no?

    [re=562861]JMP[/re]: [Judge Crabb] added: “Recognizing the importance of prayer to many people does not mean the government may enact a statute in support of it, any more than the government may encourage citizens to fast during the month of Ramadan, attend a synagogue, purify themselves in a sweat lodge, or practice rune magic.”

    I could see a compromise here — if they named a National Day of Prayer, Atheism, Quiet Contemplation, Self-Flagellation, Sweating, Apostasy And/Or Anything Else You Choose To Do, I think I would be okay with that. How about it, Jesus Nazis? Let’s stop the divisiveness and move forward in a spirit of national togetherness.

  • hoosiermama

    [re=562859]Mr Blifil[/re]: I’ll give you five Newell Bucks to wipe mine, though.

  • BeWoot

    Completely OT, but I’ve been off in the wilderness for a week. I certainly hope everybody was appropriately congratulatory on Mr. Waggaman’s promotion.

  • whiskey tango foxtrot

    Riley I give you a B+ for today’s collection of internets rumors (slow news day, whatdya gonna do) and an A for italicization.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=562879]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh yeah — that quote has a source too:

  • slappypaddy

    thank you from the depths of my battered and tired old heart for the link to the solutions viddy. i haven’t laughed with such glee, nor been so happy to be an american, in a long time. here’s a big wet virtual kiss for you, and a quick squeeze on one of your happy parts.

  • Holding Out for a Hero

    Ya know, I believe Jesus Christ hisself told us Christians that when we pray, we should pray in private, so that only God hears us.

    Or do wingnuts only pay attention to parts of the Bible that they believe tell them to be nasty to teh wimmens, teh gays, teh poors and anybody that doesn’t believe as they do? (The preceeding was a rhetorical question, brought to you by Holding Out for a Hero. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.)

  • momus

    Can we call them Jesuhadis or Jessehadis? I wave my trademark rights.

  • GOPCrusher

    Let me see if I understand this correctly.
    Taliban in Afghanistan=Bad
    Taliban in America=Good

  • Lascauxcaveman

    OMG, the “problems” vid was actual clips from real commercials. So much the better for it, since I was expecting an SNL-type lame parody.

    (Also, that guy in the black and white clip at teh very beginning was my brother-in-law. Hi Doug! Didn’t know you were on the teevee!)

  • biznesskommunity

    What kind of “As Seen on TV” product keeps hamburgers from falling out of buns? Are they selling Burger Clamps or toothpicks with little American flags attached? Hmmm… that last one is actually a good idea. I smell money.

  • OzoneTom

    Stephen Baldwin will lead a christian jihad if you send him some munnize.

  • Aurelio

    [re=562943]Holding Out for a Hero[/re]: And not as the hypocrites do, he added.

  • gardettos

    um, Army spokesman Col. Tom Collins?!?!?!?

  • chascates


    ‘… [T]he AFA’s Bryan Fischer sees it as proof that our military has been taken over by “fundamentalist Muslims and homosexual activists”:

    Bottom line: you want to know who’s now running the U.S. Army, the U.S. Navy and the Marines and calling the shots where it counts? Fundamentalist Muslims and homosexual activists.

    In fact, I’ll predict that there will be a day of prayer at the Pentagon on May 6, and it will feature a Muslim imam, a homosexual clergyman, and no conservative Christians of any kind.

    This is not your father’s military. It’s not even your father’s country anymore.

  • qwerty42

    Sullivan has this on Franklin Graham (and Sarah Palin!).

  • surfacenoise76

    Billy Graham, at least in his younger days, was a semi-decent guy (FOR A BAPTIST!). His son? Not so much.

  • Beanball

    OMG! Riley Waggaman is no longer an intern!

    Whatever is the world coming to?

  • DC Hates Me

    When did Redstate become the Jawa Report? Less RS links, please.