RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  12:39 pm April 21, 2010

American Children’s Trigger Fingers Too Fat For Combat

by Riley Waggaman

  • Not even Elmo, Sesame Street’s pusher extraordinaire, is capable of peddling broccoli to little children. [Matt Yglesias]
  • Jonah Goldberg impresses the entire world with his 5th-grade Latin (“I likeus Star Trekius”). [The Corner]
  • Fourteen dudes and Sofia Coppola were arrested for being terrible mobsters. [Daily Intel]
  • Hundreds of military generals are flipping out because if every American child is so fat then how are we going to fight the Chinese on the Moon? They don’t make spacesuits in XXXXL! [Hit & Run]
  • Happy Birthday (yesterday) to famous New York political weblog on the Internet, the Awl! [The Awl]
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doxastic April 21, 2010 at 12:50 pm

I’d mock Jonah’s dog latin but it’s an insult to dogs.

bitchincamaro April 21, 2010 at 12:50 pm

Hitler and The Awl. Figures.

proudgrampa April 21, 2010 at 12:52 pm

BTW, what IS the French word for “entrepeneur?”

ManchuCandidate April 21, 2010 at 12:52 pm

Fat US America = less war?

But we know what’s going to happen. There will be a war on fatties and fat. Ronald McDonald, Burger King and other fast food icons are going to go to Gitmo. In N Outs will be banned in the name of National Security. Phys Ed will be taken over by Drill Sgt Hartman Clones who will break the kids ginormous egos and asses and turn them into lean mean fighting machines. Be forced to drink Broccoli juice and shun deep fried foods. Teabaggers will riot and wave signs “Give me Twinkies or Give me Death!” Only good thing about the War on Fatties/Fat? The “enemy” won’t be hard to chase or find.

Godot April 21, 2010 at 12:52 pm

Dan Marino is the head of the Gambino family? How did he never win a Super Bowl with that kind of muscle?

Escape Goat Nation April 21, 2010 at 12:57 pm

Last weekend I learned that the Mafia could beat the Yakuza in a fight! It was scientifically demonstrated on, “The Deadliest Warriors.” Oh, and the Apaches could be Gladiators!

freakishlystrong April 21, 2010 at 12:59 pm

Ummm..that message really needs to be re-tooled; tell the young ‘uns to get in shape and eat well so they can go off and get asploded in war.

proudgrampa April 21, 2010 at 1:00 pm

[re=561194]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I think you’re on to something. We can achieve World Peace by letting the fast-food companies take over.

Jim89048 April 21, 2010 at 1:03 pm

This is bad news for the troops, since the DoD just closed all the fast food joints in the Iraq and the Afghanistan…

sanantonerose April 21, 2010 at 1:04 pm

Put Kim Kardashian stickers on the broccoli and let’s see how many grown men will eat it.

DC Hates Me April 21, 2010 at 1:08 pm

Too Fat To Fight is too big to fail. We need more fat soldiers fighting for the right to be fat and dangerous. Fighting because the talibans hate our freedom to eat fried pigs.

Zadig April 21, 2010 at 1:14 pm

[re=561193]proudgrampa[/re]: Um, entrepreneur?

Monsieur Grumpe April 21, 2010 at 1:18 pm

A trebuchet loaded with fat kids would be a formidable weapon.

thesheriffisnear April 21, 2010 at 1:19 pm

The truism “an Army travels on its stomach” DOES NOT mean that it rolls into battle like
Violet Beauregarde. Too arcane?

comicbookguy April 21, 2010 at 1:20 pm

Wasn’t that Freidman’s premise that countries with McDonald’s don’t fight each other? Or they do, but quickly become short of breath and just need to sit down for a minute.

comicbookguy April 21, 2010 at 1:21 pm

[re=561228]DC Hates Me[/re]: This bill paves the way for endless taxpayer take-out.

SmutBoffin April 21, 2010 at 1:24 pm

Wait, the gravity on the face of the Moon is 1/6 that of the Earth. When you look at it that way, heavier soldiers might have an advantage. You don’t want there to be a “fat space soldier gap” do you?

edgydrifter April 21, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Turns out fat, drunk and stupid actually IS the way to go through life. Especially if you don’t want to be drafted.

TGY April 21, 2010 at 1:31 pm

[re=561254]SmutBoffin[/re]: Momentum is the same, though. Fat soldiers are harder to stop.

America: we don’t want our children healthy so they can lead fulfilled lives. We want them healthy so they can kill other children.

SayItWithWookies April 21, 2010 at 1:34 pm

[re=561189]doxastic[/re]: Dog Latin? You can’t be Sirius.

proudgrampa April 21, 2010 at 1:35 pm

[re=561254]SmutBoffin[/re]: Correct. Even though you weigh “less,” your mass is still the same. I don’t know the calculation, but a 300 lb American mass ought to annihilate a 120 lb Chinese one.

Lionel Hutz Esq. April 21, 2010 at 1:35 pm

Little known fact: All Jonah Goldberg columns are based on throw away lines in Dr. Who episodes. Most of his writing in support of Bush’s invasion of Iraq were based on the episode where the Daleks wanted to exterminate everyone.

sanantonerose April 21, 2010 at 1:36 pm

[re=561261]edgydrifter[/re]: Just watched that again last night.

Zadig April 21, 2010 at 1:37 pm

[re=561271]SayItWithWookies[/re]: *RIMSHOT*

JMP April 21, 2010 at 1:40 pm

Like Jonah and his readers, all my knowledge of history comes from Dr. Who. Sometimes I wonder why they never talked about the Jagaroth explosion that started life on Earth in biology.

slappypaddy April 21, 2010 at 1:42 pm

too fat to fight? nah, think outside the box. think contingent benefits and asymmetrical warfare. the too-fats will be outfitted as human bombs (not, strictly speaking, suicide bombers, since they’ll be appropriately indoctrinated (i.e., drugged) and won’t have any choice). the too-fat human bomb (TFHB) will have the additional battlefield advantage of the incendiary effect of all that splattered burning fat. and there will be no VA benefits for a bankrupt nation to have to pay to care for wounded soldiers. there will be no medicare or medicaid to be paid when the fatties get diabetes and heart disease. there will be no need for expensive funerals, and there will be none of the political embarrassment of photos taken of flag-draped coffins. it’s a win-win-win-win-win situation, people!

Beowoof April 21, 2010 at 1:43 pm

Sofia Coppola, didn’t they shoot her at the end of Godfather III for bad acting.

Beowoof April 21, 2010 at 1:47 pm

Jonah, using any TV series for your history lesson demonstrates a clear inability to reason that producers, writers and director would take dramatic license. That being said it is clear why so many republican congress people think 24 is a documentary.

pirate king of the Jews April 21, 2010 at 1:47 pm

Man there’s a lot of nice hooters on “Deal or No Deal”
sorry, my mind wandered

TakingAmes April 21, 2010 at 2:00 pm

[re=561245]thesheriffisnear[/re]: No, I’m reasonably sure everyone hear has seen Willy Wonka. They may have (probably were) stoned at the time, but still.

TakingAmes April 21, 2010 at 2:03 pm

[re=561309]TakingAmes[/re]: Sorry, that’s “everyone here” and “may have been.” Must proofread before hitting Submit next time.

thesheriffisnear April 21, 2010 at 2:09 pm

[re=561309]TakingAmes[/re]: I thought most people forgot Violet because she was so overshadowed by Veruca Salt whose Tour de Force “I want it NOW” still sends a thrill up my middle-aged leg. Perhaps I’ve said too much?!?!

Dashboard_Buddha April 21, 2010 at 2:15 pm

No KFC, no peace. Know KFC, know peace.

Oblios Cap April 21, 2010 at 2:43 pm


I think she was the grandmother on the Golden Girls.

Oblios Cap April 21, 2010 at 2:45 pm


I always thought of Jonah as “The Nightmare Child” that Dr. who refers to.

Berkeley Bear April 21, 2010 at 2:55 pm

[re=561293]Beowoof[/re]: and why CIA interrogators at Gitmo studied 24 for pointers. No snark, just sad fact.

DustBowlBlues April 21, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Young Riley: You outdid yourself with the XXXXXXXX spacesuits to fight the Chinese on the moon. You are either becoming a master of modern, hip absurdist comedy or you’re high.

comicbookguy April 21, 2010 at 3:11 pm

In zero gravity, an army of grease-fed blubber balls can be a strategic advantage.

Kodos April 21, 2010 at 3:31 pm

Hmmm … the timing of the Gambino bust and Obama’s drive for financial reform seems kind of suspicious, doesn’t it? I’ll withold further comment until Orrin Hatch chimes in.

JMP April 21, 2010 at 3:35 pm

[re=561402]Oblios Cap[/re]: I’ve wondered if Jonah might be one of the Slitheen (the alien crime family who disguise themselves as fat people with excessive flatulence).

WestEdEd April 21, 2010 at 3:51 pm

Again with the Great Sino American Moon war.

Look out, it’s a sni….

Ninong April 21, 2010 at 4:25 pm

[re=561193]proudgrampa[/re]: You can’t be serious?

Ninong April 21, 2010 at 4:31 pm

Well, let’s see. If there’s no Latin word for “volcano,” then where did the word “volcano” come from? Surely it couldn’t have come from “Volcanus,” (Vulcan, the god of fire and husband of Venus). That would be too easy.

Let’s see. How about “crater,” the Latin word for, well, the crater of a volcano. Another one that is too easy. I think they just gave names to all their volcanoes, such as Aetna and Vesuvius. That way everyone knew which volcano they were talking about.

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