Texas Is Famous This Week

by Lauri Apple

Everything's bigger in Texas, especially Assholes.Texas has arrived! Just look at the Newsweek cover, which blasts the state’s new marketing slogan, “Don’t Mess With Texas,” and features a picture of America’s oldest teenaged runaway, Rick Perry, showing off his indigenous footwear. (Free snake farm tickets for anyone who can decipher the boot hieroglyphics.) Inside there’s a bunch of articles about Texas, like this one about the wingnut-deluxes who always try to remove all the brown people from the social studies textbooks, and another that says everyone is moving to Texas now because it’s become America’s Camelot, MINUS state income taxes and PLUS independence. “‘I’m willing to tell anyone that will listen that the land of opportunity still exists in America, and it’s in Texas,” Newsweek reports Perry as saying all the time.

America's gay governors.Newsweek also includes a Q&A with Perry, but the Texas Tribune’s expanded version (Tribune top dawg/Newsweek contributor Evan Smith is multi-tasky) comes with a set of Tea Party motivational tapes in which Perry talks about nabbing all the border-crossing sneaks using the flying machines of his fantasies, the predator drones. But he can’t get any drones because the Beltway jihadists/federal government won’t secure our borders, just like they won’t read the 10th Amendment, it’s not in the Koran. Meanwhile at home, people are reading the Constitution to make better protest signs and also to “get this country back,” because it’s missing. And Texans don’t want some government managing their health care from a million miles away, because Texans don’t want government to manage anything.

That’s about it from new celebrities Rick Perry and Texas, defenders of rugged individualism. [Newsweek]

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freakishlystrong April 20, 2010 at 10:32 am

Welcome to the fucking hilarious alt-text comments, Lauri.

Katydid April 20, 2010 at 10:34 am

“also to ‘get this country back,’ because it’s missing.”

I hate it when that happens.

ManchuCandidate April 20, 2010 at 10:35 am

If one actually read this shit then one might get the idea that Newsweak has a RW slant or something.

Lead story:
“Romney isn’t a hypocrite” Shockingly, it’s about health care.

What makes me laugh about this talk about rugged individualism is that those centers of Tech excellence wouldn’t have been built in Texas if gubbiment (in the form of LBJ and others) hadn’t forced NASA or LVT aircraft to move there, but since that is never going to be found in any Tejas history book (or any real history for that matter) I guess it don’t mean nothing.

Once read on a bathroom stall in Richardson Tejas:
“Here I sit squatting and flexing about to give birth to another Texan”

Texan Bulldoggette April 20, 2010 at 10:37 am

We may not have income tax but we have high enough property taxes to more than make up for it. Plus the ignominy of Rick Perry, W, and every politician/cowboy/redneck in the whole damn state.

JMP April 20, 2010 at 10:37 am

I tried to read the article, I really did, but it took only to the middle of the second paragraph before you could tell Mr. Thomas was typing one-handed: “Ruggedly handsome in a Marlboro Man sort of way, with a rich mane of brown hair, slightly tinged with silver gray.”

Texan Bulldoggette April 20, 2010 at 10:38 am

Oh & we keep those hillbillies here in TX, so America doesn’t have to live with them out there. You’re welcome, America!

Gun-toting Progressive April 20, 2010 at 10:39 am

Are you sure this isn’t about Rick Astley?

Dashboard_Buddha April 20, 2010 at 10:44 am

Houston? We have a solution.

norbizness April 20, 2010 at 10:45 am

If we did implement a state income tax, it would probably, ass-backwardsly have higher tax rates on lower levels of income, like every other regressive system in this dumb former Republic.

weejee April 20, 2010 at 10:47 am

(Free snake farm tickets for anyone who can decipher the boot hieroglyphics.)
cum “come and take it”

But why would we when we’ve been saying ‘Santa Anna was right’ for years?

deadedith April 20, 2010 at 10:48 am

Two years in Texas, and I’m already transferring to a school in Canada so I don’t have to be “the only Indian the Rangers didn’t get” any more. People actually say this to me, for great comedic justice. There is a veritable rainbow of truck nutz up in here, though, so I guess that’s something.

JMP April 20, 2010 at 10:49 am

[re=560088]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Now, Texas has given us some good politicians, like um, Ross Perot, OK wait crazy, no; uh, George H.W. Bush, no wait he’s just not as bad as his son; uh, well, hmmm; at least LBJ can be good if you don’t look at that whole Vietnam thing, though several million dead people are hard to ignore.

Bowdoin April 20, 2010 at 10:49 am

[re=560085]freakishlystrong[/re]: I think it’s called “hovercraft” and there’s to be a Pulitzer category.

Advocatus_Diaboli April 20, 2010 at 10:50 am

So Tejas will be sending back all those federal dollars. Is that the takeaway from this faptastic hagiography?

the problem child April 20, 2010 at 10:50 am

[re=560089]JMP[/re]: That is all he really wants, a little petting.

Noodle Salad April 20, 2010 at 10:50 am

Texas had six flags, at one point, right? Does that mean that they’ve surrendered 5 times? Just saying, sounds like America’s France down there.

Manos: Hands of Fate April 20, 2010 at 10:52 am

Man, it will be great when Texas get its white minority. I predict a Mexican-Austin freak coalition dominating state politics for most of the 21st century.

Lascauxcaveman April 20, 2010 at 10:52 am

No mention that Texas is a total size queen?

magic titty April 20, 2010 at 10:53 am

No riding with the top down in Dallas, Barry.

And don’t even fly over Paris, Texas. Mkay?

germansteel April 20, 2010 at 10:56 am

While I was in Texas for boot camp with the Air Force, I had a drill instructor with a Spanish surname. He told us to take pity on the Texans because they weren’t making as many of them any more. Why? we asked. His reply: Because the Mexicans quit screwing jack rabbits.

True story.

freakishlystrong April 20, 2010 at 10:56 am

The only thing that redeems Tejas is the food. And being the “rugged individualists” they are, they stole it from the Messicans.

TGY April 20, 2010 at 10:57 am

Why don’t they print the country’s picture on cartons of milk? From longhorns.

Lascauxcaveman April 20, 2010 at 10:58 am

[re=560110]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Oh, I see the alt-text supports my assertion.

Zadig April 20, 2010 at 10:58 am

[re=560090]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Didn’t work, I’m still neck-deep in Bubbas.

Jim Demintia April 20, 2010 at 11:00 am

Texas is basically a giant version of Grace Land. Take a bunch of crazy rednecks and give them money, and this is the result.

Maxine of Arc April 20, 2010 at 11:01 am

[re=560106]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Well, Perry has already refused stimulus funds, claimed a budget surplus in campaign ads, and cut education, all while caressing the soft, sere locks of well-kempt elderly gentlemen.

bitchincamaro April 20, 2010 at 11:03 am

Newsweak should be shitting its collective pants, knowing that when they put up the inevitable pay-wall, they’ll capture exactly zero eyeballs. But plenty of crickets.

stew April 20, 2010 at 11:04 am

Like Kay Baily suggested, just google “gay” and “Rick Perry” and enjoy some interesting reading… I mean, c’mon–even his name sounds like a gay pop star’s.

FMA April 20, 2010 at 11:04 am

[re=560086]Katydid[/re]: Where’d you see it last?

JMP April 20, 2010 at 11:10 am

[re=560103]deadedith[/re]: That’s the good old Texan racial sensitivity. In college, I had a friend who was a Thai girl from a small Texan town where her family were the only Asians. She was absolutely gorgeous, but thought of herself as unattractive because she got so much shit from classmates who seemed to think only blond white girls could be hot.

wvf2 April 20, 2010 at 11:11 am

this ass makes Haley Barbour look like your avuncular racist neighbor.

Catholics4Condoms April 20, 2010 at 11:12 am

Hey People, he just has a wide stance. In Texas they call it “Cruise for some hot buckaroo to mosey on around to the bunk house”

What about his suggestion that Texas should secede? Do it. That would push the USA southern Border up to the Red River. The Gulf Cartel will move up and make Wichita Falls the new Juarez.

your secret boyfriend April 20, 2010 at 11:18 am

Step 1: Encourage all dingbat birther teabag drillbabies to move to Texas

Step 2: Give that shit back to Mexico

Terry April 20, 2010 at 11:19 am


I lived in Texas for about 7 years and was regularly told by people that I’m going to burn in Hell. Not people angry yelling this, these were happy people letting me know that my choices in terms of religion, education, etc are going to land me straight in the fire.

Other things I learned in Texas:

- White people cannot be Catholics. Only Mexicans are.
- Catholics do not worship God, the worship the Pope.
- There should not be anything like Welfare. If those people just worked harder, they wouldn’t need the check.
- Environmental regulations are wrong, they get in the way of business. All you have to do to stay healthy is to live well away from where your factory is.
- It’s your God given right to drink a six pack of beer in the truck while driving home from work and to toss the empties out the window into the bed of the truck.
- Women are supposed to pretend to be dingbats until they reach middle age when they spontaneously grow brains and start to run the day to day operation of things like cities.

WadISay April 20, 2010 at 11:19 am

Rick Perry: the Acacia Berry girl of state governance.

Cape Clod April 20, 2010 at 11:21 am

Meanwhile at home, people are reading the Constitution to make better protest signs.

Since the word ‘Moron’ doesn’t appear in the Constitution, I don’t think those signs are going to get appreciably better anytime in the near future.

Autoo April 20, 2010 at 11:21 am

[re=560118]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Heh. Heh heh. You said “assertion.”

Hart88 April 20, 2010 at 11:26 am

I wish they’d make their fucking minds up – is Texas a Republic, or is it “America”?

PabaBritannica April 20, 2010 at 11:26 am

I will mess with Texas: it is a silly state.

SayItWithWookies April 20, 2010 at 11:28 am

Raised in a ranch house with no running water in the West Texas town of Paint Creek, yell leader at Texas A&M, Air Force pilot, longest serving governor in Texas history…And if he’s good for Texas, why not America?

No running water — well it seems he did alright with just bottles of Evian. And Jesus H. Christ, didn’t we already have a long-serving Texas governor who was an ex-cheerleader (I’m assuming that’s what a ‘yell leader’ at Texas A&M) and sort of a military pilot before and elect him president? I might be a little unclear on the history of things, since to maintain my sanity I stayed pretty inebriated for that span of time, but wasn’t that time the worst eight fucking years in the history of America? Okay, just checking.

user-of-owls April 20, 2010 at 11:37 am

Once read on a bathroom stall in Richardson Tejas:
“Here I sit squatting and flexing about to give birth to another Texan”

My favorite, courtesy of the Rice U. pub of infamy, Valhalla:

“Free Palestine! And the rest of East Texas too!”

Jim89048 April 20, 2010 at 11:42 am

[re=560159]Terry[/re]: I never lived in Tejas, it just felt like it when driving through. Once I had to deliver a yacht to some ginormous lake outside of Dallas but the drydock was closed, it being the lord’s day or something. I made an offhand comment about it at the diner, and my waitress overheard me and said my problem was that I didn’t know god. I informed her–loudly–that I was on a mission from god, and she scurried off to get my pie.

Mr Blifil April 20, 2010 at 11:50 am

Texas Suxas.

Baldar T Flagass April 20, 2010 at 11:51 am

[re=560191]Jim89048[/re]: Did you tell her to hold the chicken between her knees?

thesheriffisnear April 20, 2010 at 11:51 am

[re=560087]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Silly rabbit, no one actually reads Newsweek!!!

GoinGreen April 20, 2010 at 12:04 pm

[re=560145]JMP[/re]: That’s unusual around here – the Asian strippers I know make BANK!

Not_So_Much April 20, 2010 at 12:06 pm

Uh, Hello?!1!

It was in a movie that there are only “steers and queers” in Texas. Duh.

Oldskool April 20, 2010 at 12:06 pm

I’m with Rick. It chaps my ass when ANYTHING is missing, especially my keys.

GoinGreen April 20, 2010 at 12:08 pm

[re=560186]user-of-owls[/re]: My favorites were in a porta-potty on a large jobsite in Dallas. The words, “Texas drinking straw” were written on the vent tube extending out of the storage tank. And on the back wall, someone had scribed, “Mexican Space Shuttle”. Creative little bigots, aren’t we?

AxmxZ April 20, 2010 at 12:10 pm

Well, at least we still have Hippie Hollow

Tim April 20, 2010 at 12:15 pm

Double Downs & truck nutz for everyone. We’re all Tejans today.

Zadig April 20, 2010 at 12:18 pm

[re=560159]Terry[/re]: My mom tells me that I’m going to hell pretty frequently, actually.

Not that she hates me or is angry with me or anything, but she honestly thinks that I’ll go to hell because I don’t believe in her Zombie Saviour.

Bowdoin April 20, 2010 at 12:23 pm

[re=560088]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: One index conflates ignorance with insanity in the form of Demonic Sexual Abuse, or whatever the call-letters are now. It is the carrying into public policy of private aberration which signals a truly pathological path. Texas excels in long prison terms for convictions of this impossible insanity.

Bowdoin April 20, 2010 at 12:24 pm

[re=560108]Noodle Salad[/re]: Someone not of my state said Texas would be part of Nuevo Leon if the Alamo had a back door.

JMP April 20, 2010 at 12:27 pm

[re=560240]Zadig[/re]: Then tell her that she will be punished in Tartarus instead of being allowed to the Elysian Fields because she does give proper respect to Zeus and Hera.

Terry April 20, 2010 at 12:29 pm

“Christ, didn’t we already have a long-serving Texas governor who was an ex-cheerleader (I’m assuming that’s what a ‘yell leader’ at Texas A&M)”

Yes, a yell leader is the equivalent of a cheerleader except at A&M wimminfolk can’t be yell leaders. Oh, and if a new yell/cheer/chant is going to be added, it has to be put to a vote among the former yell leaders.

This University also disbanded it’s journalism department when a group of wealthy former Aggies (they don’t use the work alumni) announced that journalism breeds liberals and threatened not to give the school any money. The department was abolished but a few profs survived the scourge by being moved in under communications. After the bloodbath, the University did some major window dressing, trying to explain away the removal of the department in a less embarassing way.

jus_wonderin April 20, 2010 at 12:30 pm

I don’t use this word much but…I dislike Perry. His (our?) Democratic challenger is 4 points off in a recent poll and I hope all D’s turn out for the election so we can see this particular idiot governor packing.

Zadig April 20, 2010 at 12:37 pm

[re=560255]JMP[/re]: I just tell her that she’s wasted every Sunday morning of her entire life.

Honestly, if I went Greek, I’d hurt the feelings of the only other agnostic-just-picking-something-to-observe in the family, who went Norse pagan. And I can’t get back at my mom with the Norse afterlife, because women don’t get into Valhalla anyway. And I haven’t been having nearly enough glorious battles/pillagings lately to get in myself.

An Outhouse April 20, 2010 at 12:41 pm

There is so much opportunity in Texas, you can smell it from Oklahoma.

Zadig April 20, 2010 at 12:47 pm

[re=560275]An Outhouse[/re]: No, that’s just the smell of Oklahoma.

Barcode of the Apocalypse April 20, 2010 at 12:59 pm

Yes, I can interpret the boot hieroglyphics, having studied Texgyptology. The inscription reads “gy” (no vowels in hieroglyphics), so clearly the meaning is either “goy” or “gay”. Or possibly “gay goy”.

BobTheBuilder April 20, 2010 at 12:59 pm

Why the fuck would anyone want to move someplace with fire ants, hurricanes, and cockroaches the size of human turds? Not to mention human turds.

llibra April 20, 2010 at 1:00 pm

[re=560159]Terry[/re]: You forgot the corollary to the drinking in truck rule. After the drinking, you use the handgun from the glove box to do whatever the hell you please.

mustardman April 20, 2010 at 1:01 pm

This coming on the heels of the Glenn Beckkk article. Translation: We are desperate to prop up our declining readership and are willing to pander to any group of nutjobs to do it!

Jim89048 April 20, 2010 at 1:04 pm

[re=560205]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: “Did you tell her to hold the chicken between her knees?”
That is considered a form of birth control and, therefore, banned in Tejas.

As we used to say, go east until you smell it, then south until you step in it.

doxastic April 20, 2010 at 1:06 pm

If you count being the victim of a hate crime as an “opportunity,” Texas is indeed brimming with them.

El Pinche April 20, 2010 at 1:08 pm

Say no to Big Govermint. Say yes to Big Hair.

Zorg April 20, 2010 at 1:12 pm

Boy, am I missing Molly Ivins today, Wonketteers! If Perry was any dumber, they’d have to water him twice a week.

Maxine of Arc April 20, 2010 at 1:15 pm

[re=560260]jus_wonderin[/re]: I really hope so, but the disastrous primary results have shaken me up something terrible. (See, y’all? I’m a real Texan–you can tell by the sheriff’s badge.) Perry performed awfully in the last gubernatorial election (he got around a third of the vote, but won anyway due to 4,000 Serious Independent/Third-Party Candidates and Democrat Chris Bell’s deathly allergy to actually campaigning), but I guess since then his wingnutty, asshole charms have won him a bunch of new devotees among the increasingly wingnutty, asshole Texas electorate. Do you think anyone would get mad if I made bumper stickers that encouraged people to “Pray for Perry” with a reference to that psalm about how someone should kill a dude?

TGY April 20, 2010 at 1:18 pm

[re=560171]Hart88[/re]: It’s America when America is with Texas and a Republic when it isn’t: a vast case of ‘Take My Ball and Go Home’ syndrome.

TakingAmes April 20, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Governor Goodhair! How’s your mama n’em? Hadn’t heard anything treasonous lately, so I was thinking of calling to make sure you’re okay, but here you are!

TakingAmes April 20, 2010 at 1:21 pm

[re=560145]JMP[/re]: At least she could take comfort in the fact that they were probably the richest family in that small Texas town, since presumably one or both of her parents were doctors. See what I did there?

TakingAmes April 20, 2010 at 1:22 pm

[re=560301]Zorg[/re]: Word.

GOPCrusher April 20, 2010 at 2:01 pm

The first person I ever met from Texas, was in boot camp. He went to sleep at night with a plug of Red Man in his jaw and in the morning it was gone. 32 years later, my opinion of Texans has not improved.

sanantonerose April 20, 2010 at 2:18 pm

SNAKE FARRRRRRRRM!! I love Snake Farm.

Rick Perry is a jackass. Please give money to Bill White so he can save us all from this national embarrassment. Well, part of it anyway.

JMP April 20, 2010 at 2:28 pm

[re=560311]TakingAmes[/re]: They were; how’d you guess?

steverino247 April 20, 2010 at 2:49 pm

When I was in the Army, I had foreign service in Korea, Germany and Texas. I was at a party in London once and somebody overheard me say that I had been there. He asked if he should call me “Tex” and I said, “Not if you want to survive the evening.” A state, the population of which is mostly made up of the willfully and proudly ignorant. Austin and El Paso aren’t as infected as the rest of the state, but it’s the Baptists that control everything who are responsible for fucking it up. The Catholics just take the abuse because their child-fucking priests tell them misery in Texas is their “cross to bear.” If they left the Union and refused to sign the Hague Convention, a lot of kids in child custody disputes wouldn’t have to travel there for the summer anymore, so there’s that to recommend their leaving, too.

sanantonerose April 20, 2010 at 3:02 pm

[re=560301]Zorg[/re]: Good un. I miss Molly, too.

Pandy April 20, 2010 at 3:20 pm

[re=560258]Terry[/re]: Eh… whoop!

Rotundo April 20, 2010 at 5:22 pm

[re=560279]Zadig[/re]: [re=560275]An Outhouse[/re]: Come on now folks, we all know how to get to Tejas: Go south ’til you smell shit; that’s Oklahoma, continue until you step in it; that’s Tejas.

american mutt April 20, 2010 at 6:13 pm


former texan

One Flew Over the Wingnut April 20, 2010 at 6:54 pm

Ah Texas….the only place on Earth where Phyllis Schafly is more important than Thomas Jefferson (I can’t really qualify that considering the rest of the south). Where you can find many roadsigns signed by God and beer swilling, war-lying, illegal corporate-aiding politicians like George Dubya Bush and the even more criminal Tom Delay. Where a man’s a man and their sheep are rectally scarred. A place so intelligent they actually fucked up the meaning of their own “Don’t mess with Texas” phrase…it was made in reference to littering…now it’s used as a tagline for human waste Rick Perry to smile gaily in pictures for newsweek.

Texas is divided into two opposite halves: East Texas, where the closest thing to a liberal dwells, and West Texas where all the racist, knuckledragging assholes of yore hail from. If you notice, Delay’s district= west texas, crawford= west texas, perry= west texas. So in other words, we only need to death panel half the state to be safe.

GoinGreen April 20, 2010 at 8:46 pm

[re=560829]One Flew Over the Wingnut[/re]: Oh, Dear Baby Jesus – if you think there are liberals in East Texas, you have no hope. The closest thing you’ll get to a liberal (non racial bias – white liberal) in Texas is in Austin, Houston – and maybe in the educated sections of Dallas/Ft Worth Metroplex (surprisingly – the SMU and TCU areas were pro Obama!), where I live… and also helping to keep Bill White in the race. Please, all Texas liberals – come out and vote!!! I won’t tell you who to vote for, but his initials are B-I-L-L-W-H-I-T-E!!

Rachel Ray Jihad April 20, 2010 at 11:35 pm

[re=560829]One Flew Over the Wingnut[/re]: Delay’s district is definitely not West Texas; the 22nd CD is just south of Houston, from Sugar Land and Missouri City in the west to La Marque and Deer Park in the east. East Texas is about as liberal as Utah.

Succeed Texas May 22, 2010 at 6:06 am

The KKK here in East Texas are lazy. Now they only wear white hoodies.

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