Texas Is Famous This Week

  Declarations of Independence

Everything's bigger in Texas, especially Assholes.Texas has arrived! Just look at the Newsweek cover, which blasts the state’s new marketing slogan, “Don’t Mess With Texas,” and features a picture of America’s oldest teenaged runaway, Rick Perry, showing off his indigenous footwear. (Free snake farm tickets for anyone who can decipher the boot hieroglyphics.) Inside there’s a bunch of articles about Texas, like this one about the wingnut-deluxes who always try to remove all the brown people from the social studies textbooks, and another that says everyone is moving to Texas now because it’s become America’s Camelot, MINUS state income taxes and PLUS independence. “‘I’m willing to tell anyone that will listen that the land of opportunity still exists in America, and it’s in Texas,” Newsweek reports Perry as saying all the time.

America's gay governors.Newsweek also includes a Q&A with Perry, but the Texas Tribune’s expanded version (Tribune top dawg/Newsweek contributor Evan Smith is multi-tasky) comes with a set of Tea Party motivational tapes in which Perry talks about nabbing all the border-crossing sneaks using the flying machines of his fantasies, the predator drones. But he can’t get any drones because the Beltway jihadists/federal government won’t secure our borders, just like they won’t read the 10th Amendment, it’s not in the Koran. Meanwhile at home, people are reading the Constitution to make better protest signs and also to “get this country back,” because it’s missing. And Texans don’t want some government managing their health care from a million miles away, because Texans don’t want government to manage anything.

That’s about it from new celebrities Rick Perry and Texas, defenders of rugged individualism. [Newsweek]

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About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple

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85 comments

  1. Katydid

    “also to ‘get this country back,’ because it’s missing.”

    I hate it when that happens.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    If one actually read this shit then one might get the idea that Newsweak has a RW slant or something.

    Lead story:
    “Romney isn’t a hypocrite” Shockingly, it’s about health care.

    What makes me laugh about this talk about rugged individualism is that those centers of Tech excellence wouldn’t have been built in Texas if gubbiment (in the form of LBJ and others) hadn’t forced NASA or LVT aircraft to move there, but since that is never going to be found in any Tejas history book (or any real history for that matter) I guess it don’t mean nothing.

    Once read on a bathroom stall in Richardson Tejas:
    “Here I sit squatting and flexing about to give birth to another Texan”

  3. Texan Bulldoggette

    We may not have income tax but we have high enough property taxes to more than make up for it. Plus the ignominy of Rick Perry, W, and every politician/cowboy/redneck in the whole damn state.

  4. JMP

    I tried to read the article, I really did, but it took only to the middle of the second paragraph before you could tell Mr. Thomas was typing one-handed: “Ruggedly handsome in a Marlboro Man sort of way, with a rich mane of brown hair, slightly tinged with silver gray.”

  5. Texan Bulldoggette

    Oh & we keep those hillbillies here in TX, so America doesn’t have to live with them out there. You’re welcome, America!

  6. norbizness

    If we did implement a state income tax, it would probably, ass-backwardsly have higher tax rates on lower levels of income, like every other regressive system in this dumb former Republic.

  7. weejee

    (Free snake farm tickets for anyone who can decipher the boot hieroglyphics.)
    cum “come and take it”

    But why would we when we’ve been saying ‘Santa Anna was right’ for years?

  8. deadedith

    Two years in Texas, and I’m already transferring to a school in Canada so I don’t have to be “the only Indian the Rangers didn’t get” any more. People actually say this to me, for great comedic justice. There is a veritable rainbow of truck nutz up in here, though, so I guess that’s something.

  9. JMP

    [re=560088]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Now, Texas has given us some good politicians, like um, Ross Perot, OK wait crazy, no; uh, George H.W. Bush, no wait he’s just not as bad as his son; uh, well, hmmm; at least LBJ can be good if you don’t look at that whole Vietnam thing, though several million dead people are hard to ignore.

  10. Bowdoin

    [re=560085]freakishlystrong[/re]: I think it’s called “hovercraft” and there’s to be a Pulitzer category.

  11. Advocatus_Diaboli

    So Tejas will be sending back all those federal dollars. Is that the takeaway from this faptastic hagiography?

  12. Noodle Salad

    Texas had six flags, at one point, right? Does that mean that they’ve surrendered 5 times? Just saying, sounds like America’s France down there.

  13. Manos: Hands of Fate

    Man, it will be great when Texas get its white minority. I predict a Mexican-Austin freak coalition dominating state politics for most of the 21st century.

  14. magic titty

    No riding with the top down in Dallas, Barry.

    And don’t even fly over Paris, Texas. Mkay?

  15. germansteel

    While I was in Texas for boot camp with the Air Force, I had a drill instructor with a Spanish surname. He told us to take pity on the Texans because they weren’t making as many of them any more. Why? we asked. His reply: Because the Mexicans quit screwing jack rabbits.

    True story.

  16. freakishlystrong

    The only thing that redeems Tejas is the food. And being the “rugged individualists” they are, they stole it from the Messicans.

  17. Jim Demintia

    Texas is basically a giant version of Grace Land. Take a bunch of crazy rednecks and give them money, and this is the result.

  18. Maxine of Arc

    [re=560106]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Well, Perry has already refused stimulus funds, claimed a budget surplus in campaign ads, and cut education, all while caressing the soft, sere locks of well-kempt elderly gentlemen.

  19. bitchincamaro

    Newsweak should be shitting its collective pants, knowing that when they put up the inevitable pay-wall, they’ll capture exactly zero eyeballs. But plenty of crickets.

  20. stew

    Like Kay Baily suggested, just google “gay” and “Rick Perry” and enjoy some interesting reading… I mean, c’mon–even his name sounds like a gay pop star’s.

  21. JMP

    [re=560103]deadedith[/re]: That’s the good old Texan racial sensitivity. In college, I had a friend who was a Thai girl from a small Texan town where her family were the only Asians. She was absolutely gorgeous, but thought of herself as unattractive because she got so much shit from classmates who seemed to think only blond white girls could be hot.

  22. Catholics4Condoms

    Hey People, he just has a wide stance. In Texas they call it “Cruise for some hot buckaroo to mosey on around to the bunk house”

    What about his suggestion that Texas should secede? Do it. That would push the USA southern Border up to the Red River. The Gulf Cartel will move up and make Wichita Falls the new Juarez.

  23. your secret boyfriend

    Step 1: Encourage all dingbat birther teabag drillbabies to move to Texas

    Step 2: Give that shit back to Mexico

  24. Terry

    [re=560103]deadedith[/re]:

    I lived in Texas for about 7 years and was regularly told by people that I’m going to burn in Hell. Not people angry yelling this, these were happy people letting me know that my choices in terms of religion, education, etc are going to land me straight in the fire.

    Other things I learned in Texas:

    - White people cannot be Catholics. Only Mexicans are.
    - Catholics do not worship God, the worship the Pope.
    - There should not be anything like Welfare. If those people just worked harder, they wouldn’t need the check.
    - Environmental regulations are wrong, they get in the way of business. All you have to do to stay healthy is to live well away from where your factory is.
    - It’s your God given right to drink a six pack of beer in the truck while driving home from work and to toss the empties out the window into the bed of the truck.
    - Women are supposed to pretend to be dingbats until they reach middle age when they spontaneously grow brains and start to run the day to day operation of things like cities.

  25. Cape Clod

    Meanwhile at home, people are reading the Constitution to make better protest signs.

    Since the word ‘Moron’ doesn’t appear in the Constitution, I don’t think those signs are going to get appreciably better anytime in the near future.

  26. SayItWithWookies

    Raised in a ranch house with no running water in the West Texas town of Paint Creek, yell leader at Texas A&M, Air Force pilot, longest serving governor in Texas history…And if he’s good for Texas, why not America?

    No running water — well it seems he did alright with just bottles of Evian. And Jesus H. Christ, didn’t we already have a long-serving Texas governor who was an ex-cheerleader (I’m assuming that’s what a ‘yell leader’ at Texas A&M) and sort of a military pilot before and elect him president? I might be a little unclear on the history of things, since to maintain my sanity I stayed pretty inebriated for that span of time, but wasn’t that time the worst eight fucking years in the history of America? Okay, just checking.

  27. user-of-owls

    [re=560087]ManchuCandidate[/re]:
    Once read on a bathroom stall in Richardson Tejas:
    “Here I sit squatting and flexing about to give birth to another Texan”

    My favorite, courtesy of the Rice U. pub of infamy, Valhalla:

    “Free Palestine! And the rest of East Texas too!”

  28. Jim89048

    [re=560159]Terry[/re]: I never lived in Tejas, it just felt like it when driving through. Once I had to deliver a yacht to some ginormous lake outside of Dallas but the drydock was closed, it being the lord’s day or something. I made an offhand comment about it at the diner, and my waitress overheard me and said my problem was that I didn’t know god. I informed her–loudly–that I was on a mission from god, and she scurried off to get my pie.

  29. Not_So_Much

    Uh, Hello?!1!

    It was in a movie that there are only “steers and queers” in Texas. Duh.

  30. GoinGreen

    [re=560186]user-of-owls[/re]: My favorites were in a porta-potty on a large jobsite in Dallas. The words, “Texas drinking straw” were written on the vent tube extending out of the storage tank. And on the back wall, someone had scribed, “Mexican Space Shuttle”. Creative little bigots, aren’t we?

  31. Zadig

    [re=560159]Terry[/re]: My mom tells me that I’m going to hell pretty frequently, actually.

    Not that she hates me or is angry with me or anything, but she honestly thinks that I’ll go to hell because I don’t believe in her Zombie Saviour.

  32. Bowdoin

    [re=560088]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: One index conflates ignorance with insanity in the form of Demonic Sexual Abuse, or whatever the call-letters are now. It is the carrying into public policy of private aberration which signals a truly pathological path. Texas excels in long prison terms for convictions of this impossible insanity.

  33. Bowdoin

    [re=560108]Noodle Salad[/re]: Someone not of my state said Texas would be part of Nuevo Leon if the Alamo had a back door.

  34. JMP

    [re=560240]Zadig[/re]: Then tell her that she will be punished in Tartarus instead of being allowed to the Elysian Fields because she does give proper respect to Zeus and Hera.

  35. Terry

    “Christ, didn’t we already have a long-serving Texas governor who was an ex-cheerleader (I’m assuming that’s what a ‘yell leader’ at Texas A&M)”

    Yes, a yell leader is the equivalent of a cheerleader except at A&M wimminfolk can’t be yell leaders. Oh, and if a new yell/cheer/chant is going to be added, it has to be put to a vote among the former yell leaders.

    This University also disbanded it’s journalism department when a group of wealthy former Aggies (they don’t use the work alumni) announced that journalism breeds liberals and threatened not to give the school any money. The department was abolished but a few profs survived the scourge by being moved in under communications. After the bloodbath, the University did some major window dressing, trying to explain away the removal of the department in a less embarassing way.

  36. jus_wonderin

    I don’t use this word much but…I dislike Perry. His (our?) Democratic challenger is 4 points off in a recent poll and I hope all D’s turn out for the election so we can see this particular idiot governor packing.

  37. Zadig

    [re=560255]JMP[/re]: I just tell her that she’s wasted every Sunday morning of her entire life.

    Honestly, if I went Greek, I’d hurt the feelings of the only other agnostic-just-picking-something-to-observe in the family, who went Norse pagan. And I can’t get back at my mom with the Norse afterlife, because women don’t get into Valhalla anyway. And I haven’t been having nearly enough glorious battles/pillagings lately to get in myself.

  38. Barcode of the Apocalypse

    Yes, I can interpret the boot hieroglyphics, having studied Texgyptology. The inscription reads “gy” (no vowels in hieroglyphics), so clearly the meaning is either “goy” or “gay”. Or possibly “gay goy”.

  39. BobTheBuilder

    Why the fuck would anyone want to move someplace with fire ants, hurricanes, and cockroaches the size of human turds? Not to mention human turds.

  40. llibra

    [re=560159]Terry[/re]: You forgot the corollary to the drinking in truck rule. After the drinking, you use the handgun from the glove box to do whatever the hell you please.

  41. mustardman

    This coming on the heels of the Glenn Beckkk article. Translation: We are desperate to prop up our declining readership and are willing to pander to any group of nutjobs to do it!

  42. Jim89048

    [re=560205]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: “Did you tell her to hold the chicken between her knees?”
    That is considered a form of birth control and, therefore, banned in Tejas.

    As we used to say, go east until you smell it, then south until you step in it.

  43. doxastic

    If you count being the victim of a hate crime as an “opportunity,” Texas is indeed brimming with them.

  44. Zorg

    Boy, am I missing Molly Ivins today, Wonketteers! If Perry was any dumber, they’d have to water him twice a week.

  45. Maxine of Arc

    [re=560260]jus_wonderin[/re]: I really hope so, but the disastrous primary results have shaken me up something terrible. (See, y’all? I’m a real Texan–you can tell by the sheriff’s badge.) Perry performed awfully in the last gubernatorial election (he got around a third of the vote, but won anyway due to 4,000 Serious Independent/Third-Party Candidates and Democrat Chris Bell’s deathly allergy to actually campaigning), but I guess since then his wingnutty, asshole charms have won him a bunch of new devotees among the increasingly wingnutty, asshole Texas electorate. Do you think anyone would get mad if I made bumper stickers that encouraged people to “Pray for Perry” with a reference to that psalm about how someone should kill a dude?

  46. TGY

    [re=560171]Hart88[/re]: It’s America when America is with Texas and a Republic when it isn’t: a vast case of ‘Take My Ball and Go Home’ syndrome.

  47. TakingAmes

    Governor Goodhair! How’s your mama n’em? Hadn’t heard anything treasonous lately, so I was thinking of calling to make sure you’re okay, but here you are!

  48. TakingAmes

    [re=560145]JMP[/re]: At least she could take comfort in the fact that they were probably the richest family in that small Texas town, since presumably one or both of her parents were doctors. See what I did there?

  49. GOPCrusher

    The first person I ever met from Texas, was in boot camp. He went to sleep at night with a plug of Red Man in his jaw and in the morning it was gone. 32 years later, my opinion of Texans has not improved.

  50. sanantonerose

    SNAKE FARRRRRRRRM!! I love Snake Farm.

    Rick Perry is a jackass. Please give money to Bill White so he can save us all from this national embarrassment. Well, part of it anyway.

  51. steverino247

    When I was in the Army, I had foreign service in Korea, Germany and Texas. I was at a party in London once and somebody overheard me say that I had been there. He asked if he should call me “Tex” and I said, “Not if you want to survive the evening.” A state, the population of which is mostly made up of the willfully and proudly ignorant. Austin and El Paso aren’t as infected as the rest of the state, but it’s the Baptists that control everything who are responsible for fucking it up. The Catholics just take the abuse because their child-fucking priests tell them misery in Texas is their “cross to bear.” If they left the Union and refused to sign the Hague Convention, a lot of kids in child custody disputes wouldn’t have to travel there for the summer anymore, so there’s that to recommend their leaving, too.

  52. Rotundo

    [re=560279]Zadig[/re]: [re=560275]An Outhouse[/re]: Come on now folks, we all know how to get to Tejas: Go south ’til you smell shit; that’s Oklahoma, continue until you step in it; that’s Tejas.

  53. One Flew Over the Wingnut

    Ah Texas….the only place on Earth where Phyllis Schafly is more important than Thomas Jefferson (I can’t really qualify that considering the rest of the south). Where you can find many roadsigns signed by God and beer swilling, war-lying, illegal corporate-aiding politicians like George Dubya Bush and the even more criminal Tom Delay. Where a man’s a man and their sheep are rectally scarred. A place so intelligent they actually fucked up the meaning of their own “Don’t mess with Texas” phrase…it was made in reference to littering…now it’s used as a tagline for human waste Rick Perry to smile gaily in pictures for newsweek.

    Texas is divided into two opposite halves: East Texas, where the closest thing to a liberal dwells, and West Texas where all the racist, knuckledragging assholes of yore hail from. If you notice, Delay’s district= west texas, crawford= west texas, perry= west texas. So in other words, we only need to death panel half the state to be safe.

  54. GoinGreen

    [re=560829]One Flew Over the Wingnut[/re]: Oh, Dear Baby Jesus – if you think there are liberals in East Texas, you have no hope. The closest thing you’ll get to a liberal (non racial bias – white liberal) in Texas is in Austin, Houston – and maybe in the educated sections of Dallas/Ft Worth Metroplex (surprisingly – the SMU and TCU areas were pro Obama!), where I live… and also helping to keep Bill White in the race. Please, all Texas liberals – come out and vote!!! I won’t tell you who to vote for, but his initials are B-I-L-L-W-H-I-T-E!!

  55. Rachel Ray Jihad

    [re=560829]One Flew Over the Wingnut[/re]: Delay’s district is definitely not West Texas; the 22nd CD is just south of Houston, from Sugar Land and Missouri City in the west to La Marque and Deer Park in the east. East Texas is about as liberal as Utah.

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