Evil Fired White House Counsel Whore-Dragon Greg Craig Will Save Goldman Sachs

  reasons people hate washington

Why are we using a picture of Lord Monckton?Washington! “Goldman Sachs is launching an aggressive response to its political and legal challenges with an unlikely ally at its side — President Barack Obama’s former White House counsel, Gregory Craig. The beleaguered Wall Street bank hired Craig — now in private practice at Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom — in recent weeks to help in navigate the halls of power in Washington, a source familiar with the firm told POLITICO.”

When he was forced out a few months ago, you kind of had to feel sorry for him (well, very very slightly sympathetic, let’s say) (okay, you didn’t have to feel shit for him, and no one did), having to take the blame for all of the problems getting Gitmo closed. Is this his revenge now? No, someone is just paying him well. Much like the super-populist union-friendly man of the people Dick Gephardt, who is now of course a demonic mega-lobbyist for the big banks.

How do any of these people sleep at night? Xanax? CHILD’S PLAY. Let’s go with either morphine or dead Michael Jackson’s harvested blood stream. Or Dragon Scales, but those are a bitch to find.

Congratulations on securing your first lobbyist ever, Goldman Sachs!

[Politico]

 
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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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68 comments

  1. Troubledog

    First of all, Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom sounds like some shit Garrison Keillor made up.

  2. ttommyunger

    Politicians prove it every day; if money was tight enough, they’d suck elephant dicks for a dime a herd.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    Way to go, Craig — that ethics class finally paid off. You did use your textbook to blot your signature on the contract with Goldman Sachs, right?

  4. Eric Cheney

    Fab better start practicing his “hurt Tiger” look right away if this guy is the best defense he can muster.


  5. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=559895]Eric Cheney[/re]: He will just say “I am from France, who the fuck are any of you people?” and it will probably work.

  6. ttommyunger

    By the way, I’m flattered you stole one of my twitter avatars for this piece. I think it is awesome. In case you didn’t see it, I’ll go ahead and tell you: that is Tim Fucking Curry in full make-up for the early Tom Cruise Movie “Legend”. He really chewed some scenery up in that one. Of course, I stole it, too.

  7. Berkeley Bear

    [re=559894]The Huffington Pogue[/re]: His job isn’t to win the case, it’s to win the PR war (and maybe to try to keep the SEC from voting to go forward with the complaint). GS is going down, and he probably won’t be anywhere near it.

  8. chascates

    I don’t care if we have to have a new Constitutional Convention we have to eliminate the practice of gov’t-to-$$$ jobs that staff as well as the elected obtain, or more likely, have paid for with previous efforts on their behalf.

    At least Sarah Palin’s whoring is mainly public and mainly paid for by her own devotees.

  9. ManchuCandidate

    Gregory Craig is the name and he served as the White House rat
    ‘Til Barry’s team came and kicked his ass out like that
    In the fall of 2008, we were just poors, just barely alive
    By Sep the tenth, US America was broke
    It’s a time I remember, oh so well

    The night they drove old Goldman down
    And the bells were ringing
    The night they drove old Goldman down
    And the people were singing
    They went, “Ha, Ha, ha”

  10. Words

    [re=559889]ttommyunger[/re]: as another Wonketteer said to a similar comment previously, “that’s such a niche job market; and no one is hiring at this time”…

    .[re=559908]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Please, suh, do NOT sully the great band, The Grateful Dead, by your Yankee improvisational lyrics!

  11. Words

    Whoa whoa….. My Bad!!!!! I meant to say, the Band.

    Sh****t, can’t listen to one thing and keyboard something else…. (sigh)

  12. Hooray For Anything

    Sadly, Craig will probably find that it’s much easier to make Goldman Sachs look like a small bank that lends only to old ladies to help them pay for their cat food than it was to try and convince people to let people out of Guantanamo.

  13. Katydid

    [re=559906]chascates[/re]: At least Sarah Palin’s whoring is mainly public and mainly paid for by her own devotees.

    Asamattafak, the Sarah’s people sent out a reminder last week that Sarah fans have “just one week left to submit a design for Sarah Palin’s thank you card to be presented to her at the Susan B. Anthony List’s Celebration of Life Breakfast!!!” And for a measly 5 smackers, payable to Team Sarah, you too can sign the card!!!!

    What kinda moron would pay $5 to “sign” a made-up thank you card to a public figure, I couldn’t tell you. Well, the YouTubes can, I guess.

  14. obfuscator

    craig was one of the earliest d.c. guys to push barry to run. he was so enthusiastic after the 2004 dnc speech, barry took to calling him a “kool aid boy”.

    this development is disappointing.

  15. sati demise

    [re=559919]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Craig may have to use some superpowers to put some lipstick on this pig.

  16. sati demise

    [re=559924]obfuscator[/re]: yea, I though he was a good guy too. He might be temperamentally unsuitable to deal with the GS ethics, even though he has inside connections to the WH.

  17. Crank Tango

    [re=559924]obfuscator[/re]: a white house insider working for wall street, yeah–shocker. I’m reminded of Captain Rénaud…but I’m also stoned and have a headache.

  18. obfuscator

    [re=559931]Crank Tango[/re]: QUIT MAKING ME SAD BY POINTING OUT OBVIOUS THINGS THAT HURT MY FEELINGS.

  19. obfuscator

    [re=559926]sati demise[/re]: i feel a ‘christmas carol’-style redemption story coming on… craig will be visited by the ghosts of his longtime friends john, bobby and teddy. he’ll see the error of his ways and… do something… fuck it.

  20. obfuscator

    [re=559934]Jim Newell[/re]: I wonder how hard it was for him to remember to fuck up in some gross, twitchy way every three seconds.

    if he went method, craig probably had reggie love bash his right arm with a folding chair. to get the “gross” and “twitchy” part down, i’m guessing alternating shots of ether with healthy snorts of crystal meth.

  21. heathenish

    [re=559906]chascates[/re]: Excellent idea!
    Can anyone tell me if Rahm had a big part in all this? Wasn’t he their director of something or director of everything? And if so should he also be in some trouble? Or is it just, ‘nothing to see here, move along..move along.’

  22. Crank Tango

    [re=559933]obfuscator[/re]: I’m sorry. Maybe try some medical mj for those hurt feelings?

  23. obfuscator

    [re=559934]Jim Newell[/re]: Michael Steele was probably a poor Barack Obama, too.

    to be fair, michael steele is a pretty poor michael steele.

    [re=559942]Crank Tango[/re]: thanks, but i prefer large quantities of vodka or furry porn.


  24. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=559940]heathenish[/re]: He was on the board of directors with fannie mae… THIS is potentially devastating, though, and I would not be surprised if Rahm resigns soon. I do not think Obama will want him on staff if the investigation floodgates finally open, after two fucking years. Fortunately for him, most journalists are stupid and will continue to ignore the colossal Magnetar Trade story, which is probably the most important development in this neverending financial collapse saga in some time.

    Meanwhile, the Republicans still blame it all on Democrats ordering banks to give loans to black people and Mexicans, which were all service by ACORN.

  25. heathenish

    [re=559945]Jim Newell[/re]: thanks. I hadn’t seen Rahm’s name in any of this in the MSM and thought I was missing something.

  26. obfuscator

    [re=559945]Jim Newell[/re]: i haven’t been very thorough, but i haven’t see much coverage of magnetar in the major media outlets. propublica and this american life covered it pretty well last week. the most striking part was that magnetar was actually “better” at that type of scam. they put up a few million dollars to get the ball rolling on the cdo and profited when sachs and other street firms got clipped. magnetar also strong armed the funds to include the shittiest mortgages in the makeup of the bonds. once the shitty foundation was established, the street firms topped it off with the triple-a rated mortgage bonds. magnetar took out swaps on that garbage and made billions from a comparatively small investment.

  27. obfuscator

    [re=559945]Jim Newell[/re]: i can’t wait for the sphincter-clinching twists of retard logic that spill out of GOP heads when they try to explain how the coloreds and the immmigrant hordes from mexistan FORCED BY ACORN to take those bad mortgages and turn them into the foundation of the finance industry.

  28. The Mattress Police

    When Rahm leaves the White House, he will get Goldman Sacks to hire him as their new leader, and fire Craig again. A pox on both.

  29. Crank Tango

    [re=559944]obfuscator[/re]: in soviet union, large quantities of vodka and furry porn consume you! Just look at their hats.

  30. obfuscator

    [re=559954]Crank Tango[/re]: i have seen yakov’s live show in branny, mo. his theater features large paintings of the twin towers and sobbing bald eagles. i wanted to piss on them, but the theater’s vibe enlarged my prostate. i wanted to jerk off on them, but the theater’s vibe rendered me impotent… with rage. yakov’s one political joke involved wishing that someone would shoot hillary clinton in the face.


  31. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=559951]obfuscator[/re]: I heard that Bill Ayers & Jeremiah Wright ran Magnetar in conjunction with Osama bin Laden (intern) — at the same time that Bill Ayers was writing Dreams from my Father. The original manuscript’s pages were made from the skin of white children, freeing up the housing market for untrustworthy black children who then made all the global money disappear.

  32. I Heart Accuracy

    [re=559902]ttommyunger[/re]: Heh. That image my bg. My kid sez “What’s that, Daddy???” and I say “it’s make-up, honey. He’s… ACTING!” gesture, gesture, think Robin Williams Tony acceptance speech impression, EOM.

  33. S.Luggo

    Miss Mitchell: Another ploy by the Dems to, ouch, ram, ram, ram through financial reform.
    No, wait. That doesn’t make sense.

  34. Radiotherapy

    [re=559959]Jim Newell[/re]: It’s all derivative of Saul Alinsky’s tactics, right?

  35. obfuscator

    [re=559959]Jim Newell[/re]: wright?? ayers?? hmmph. just more Windy City Political Thuggery. the ghost of harold washington infiltrated the wall street firms and told them that the fastest-growing sector of the economy should be built on sub-prime loans.

    the cured skin of young impressionable whites is the perfect for absorbing the black ink of negrosocialist doctrine.

    additional reporting from al-jazeera/new york times field intern osama bin laden.

  36. SayItWithWookies

    [re=559945]Jim Newell[/re]: I’d think that having someone on Obama’s side who was in the pocket of a legally dubious hedge fund would take some ammunition away from the McConnell camp. Then again, they’ll oppose anything Obama backs, even if he lifted an intercepted proposal verbatim from a lobbyist to GOP leadership. And really, $57K over two years? That’s not even enough to keep Sarah Palin in space-age leather jackets.

  37. Hooray For Anything

    [re=559959]Jim Newell[/re]: You saw that Breitbart clip too? It’s amazing the kind of things two people dressed up pimps and armed with a video camera can uncover.

  38. sezme

    [re=559954]Crank Tango[/re]: In Iceland, volcanos pronounce you!

    Give me a break; it almost works (once you’ve consumed the afore-mentioned large quantities of vodka).

  39. Crank Tango

    [re=559966]obfuscator[/re]: and speaking of Rahm, I guess he wants to be mayor of the chicago. Could spawn a cottage industry of dudes picking up dead fish from the shores of lake michigan, for his special gift bouquets. Quit your carping, and support me for mayor!

    [re=559973]sezme[/re]: pronounce you dead, amirite?

  40. legalize everything

    [re=559945]Jim Newell[/re]: I read the article you linked to and….I don’t see the devastation. It looks like Rahm took donations from people in the financial industry (breaking news: Rahm Emanuel is a politician and bankers have money!!) but the article doesn’t accuse him of any specific wrongdoing. He wasn’t overseeing their investment strategy. It sounds more like an argument for campaign finance reform (which would be a great idea) but I don’t see how Rahm or any other politician is supposed to know about all the details of their donors financial products. If it was so easy to see how messed up those securities were then we wouldn’t be in this financial crisis. Not even Merrill and Lehman saw it coming.

  41. S.Luggo

    [re=559966]obfuscator[/re]: “Windy City Political Thuggery”? I believe that you mean the Chicago School of Economics, somewhat discredited now.

  42. sati demise

    [re=559945]Jim Newell[/re]: Magnetar is a hot, hot potato. Interesting they were giving Rahm some crispy fries. w.o.w.
    Geithner, Summers and Rahm, the trifecta of scum.

  43. sati demise

    [re=559975]legalize everything[/re]: Merrill and Lehman just got stuck playing musical chairs. Most people knew it was a real estate bubble by 2006, hell, I did. Magnetar knew, certainly. I want to see the ratings agencies excuse since they were supposed to be scouring the bonds for quality instead of ignoring liar loans, no money down loans, etc. Moodys et al should be on the stand, too.
    I think one of the most clear explanations I have heard on ‘This American Life’, if the bond only had an average of 1 or 2% equity or even negative equity in the mortgage bundle it was very likely, almost sure to fail.

    This was a great way for the financials to steal all the pension money, selling them AAA rated bonds that turned out to be crappy junk bonds.

  44. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=559959]Jim Newell[/re]: “I heard that Bill Ayers & Jeremiah Wright ran Magnetar in conjunction with Osama bin Laden (intern) — at the same time that Bill Ayers was writing Dreams from my Father. The original manuscript’s pages were made from the skin of white children, freeing up the housing market for untrustworthy black children who then made all the global money disappear.”

    My god, why are you so damned good at this, Jim? It ain’t fair, I tells ya’.

    Also; the skin-pages are treated with the farmed tears of white (no Jews!), Christian (no Mooslims) children.

  45. predilectrix

    I will answer your alt-text question, Jim: because he’s feelish bullish about Goldman Sachs, now that Greg “Larry” Craig is onboard, his legs in a wide stance, ready for action.

  46. I Heart Accuracy

    [re=559982]sati demise[/re]: Yeah, I’m with you. I mean, seriously, does anyone fart in the tub knowing it’s not going to stink?

  47. bago

    The most I’ve ever heard about Alinsky is from Fox News blurbs, and some loquacious jew behind me on the Chinatown bus run up to New York. I had to go through three albums because it was snowing, but this guy, he just kept going on and on. It’s like he just discovered that phrases might have meaning when you parse them contextually. Welcome to functional language circa the 1970′s, when you had enough ram to record metadata.

    God-damned amateurs. Coming from a coder perspective, if there was any branch that could use source control, it’s congress.

  48. bkny

    add to the list jamie gorelick representin’ the student loan sharks and who did her damnedest to sink that bill:

    “I would think that the White House would prefer not to make senators vote for something that is going to be very unpopular in their states — and for good reason,” said Jamie Gorelick, a former Clinton administration official who is now lobbying for the lending industry.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/05/us/politics/05loans.html?hp

  49. BlueStateLibtard

    Yeah, Gregory Craig sticking up for the little guy!

    How do these people sleep at night? Soul-less ghouls don’t need sleep, just the fresh blood of newborn infants.

  50. Darkness

    [re=559924]obfuscator[/re]: You have to be a sociopathic out of the box thinker to come up with someone as insane as: Hey, dud, you REALLY should run for president.

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