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The Mitt Romney of 2007 and 2008 is BACK, BABY. He’s starting to reach the levels of hilarity he was hitting daily during his presidential campaign, when he just went into turbulent buzzword binges about why he was literally Ronald Reagan or why Bob Dole was a sack of shit or who actually let the dogs out. (Liberals.) This fresh Newsweek interview is a complete gem, doesn’t bother connecting one sentence to another, threatens spankings, etc etc.

Mittens’ very first response serves as an accurate model for the rest of the interview:

NEWSWEEK: You’ve described the Massachusetts health overhaul as “the ultimate conservative plan”? Why?

Mitt Romney: Right now, in lots of parts of the country, if individuals do not have insurance, they can arrive at the hospital and be given free care, paid for by government. Our current system is a big-government system. A conservative approach is one that relies on individual responsibility.

So great! He’s unbelievably bad at bullshitting, and he doesn’t even know it! He probably thought that chunky plop of birdshit you just read was a real hot number! Wearing my lucky crimson tie is paying swell dividends already, by golly!

NW: Many conservatives disagree with the idea that the plan you put in place in Massachusetts is conservative at all. The Club for Growth, for example, said that yours was “unequivocally not a conservative plan.”

MR: I’m not going to find fault with other people’s perspectives. What we did was insist on personal responsibility. In my plan, there was an opt-out for people who were able to pay their own way in health care—in other words, to self-insure. I think that’s a measure that should be preserved. Were I advising this legislature, I would say, “Hey guys, put in that opt-out.” I think that’s the right thing to do. But in my view, and others are free to disagree, expecting people who can afford to buy insurance to do so is consistent with personal responsibility, and that’s a cornerstone of conservatism. I think what many people don’t recognize is that we have universal health care in America already. We don’t have universal health insurance, we have universal health care—where government is paying for free-riders who could afford to care for themselves but instead push the burden to the government. That in my opinion is the big-government approach that we have. What we substituted instead is something which is more conservative in my view. Instead of government caring for people who can afford to care for themselves, we expected people to care for themselves.

Although filtered through the lens of huffy conservative tropes — pay your own way, be responsible for yourself, nothing’s free sonny, and whatever other old-miser, tough-love curmudgeonly words they stole from ’50s teevee shows and never modernized — he’s detailing many of the exact same problems that serve as the foundation for both RomneyCare and ObamaCare, which, again, are the same thing, which is why we’re having so much fun laughing at Mitt Romney right now.

NW: I’d like to clear something up about that federalist argument. During one of the 2008 debates, Charles Gibson said, “You seem to have backed away from mandates on a national basis.” And your response was, “No, no, I like mandates. The mandates work.” Were you saying that you supported federal mandates then, even though you say you don’t now?

MR: No. We created an incentive for people to get insurance at the state level. Our plan is a state plan. I oppose a federal plan for purposes of federalism. It would be like saying, a father has spanked his son. Do you think that the federal government should be allowed to spank children?

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.

Finally, we understand the difference between the two plans. Do you want Mittens the Massachusetts Governor to spank you, or Obama, the communist? You must make a choice! (PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.)

Imagine, though, if you knew everything about Mitt Romney except for this whole regrettable health care chapter during his term as governor of Massachusetts. If someone said the term “RomneyCare” to you for the first time, wouldn’t you immediately visualize a situation where people who got sick or couldn’t pay their medical bills lined up outside Mittens’ office, for spankings? There’s three licks, young man. It’ll be four the next time you forget to wear your blue blazer in the doctor’s waiting room. Now here’s a dime for a good sport. Go to the soda fountain and get yourself a rice pudding.

[Newsweek]

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90 COMMENTS

  1. Please run you flip flopping RINO/DINO ( who the fuck knows). In 2012, the voters are going to place you in a cage on the roof of their car and drive across country.

  2. Mitt Romney: Right now, in lots of parts of the country, if individuals do not have insurance, they can arrive at the hospital and be given free care, paid for by government.

    O rly? Obviously, he has no experience with arriving at a hospital uninsured. Blerg.

  3. I thought RomneyCare was where he straps you to the roof of his station wagon until you agree to convert, and then you either get rich or invade Iran.

  4. What’s AWESOME is that he is the only viable Republican candidate. Haley Barbour is too fat and Southern even for the GOP, Huckles has had enough, Palin’s just in it for the speaking fees and is too lazy to actually build an organization. Sorry, teabaggers, but it’s gonna be Mittens vs. Obama in 2012. Good luck with that.

  5. Every day the Republicans become more and more like a Dickensian fairytale.

    “Please, sir, may I have some more?”

    “Nay, fair Oliver, for that would be making you dependent upon a big-government handout, which is a serious threat to your personal liberty. It’s your individual responsibility to find sufficient sustenance in this workhouse, and thus if you want any more gruel you’re going to have to find a seller who can give you a competitive market price on the same gruel, set up a competing gruel line, and eventually try to buy out my share of the market. If demand for my gruel goes down, the demand for yours goes up. After sufficient stockholder investment and a diversified gruel portfolio, you’ll finally have enough left over from maintenance fees to purchase more gruel for yourself, and thus the invisible hand of the market has ensured enough gruel for everyone!*

    *everyone meaning only the children in this workhouse who can survive enough 20 hours shifts to bribe you for sufficient gruel to stave off organ failure. Don’t want no free-loaders now. T’wouldn’t be conservative, wut wut.”

  6. “Expecting people NOT to deny the climate crisis, poke their noses into women’s gynecological issues, permit hanky panky on Wall Street, invite children over for sex games, poop in diapers for a thrill, wear furry costumes, visit their girlfriends in Argentina at taxpayer expense, or dye themselves orange is consistent with personal responsibility, and that’s a cornerstone of conservatism.”

    What? That’s NOT what he said??

  7. [re=559708]Lazy Media[/re]: Yeah I think the same thing as 2008 is shaping up… all of the insane niche crazies cancel each other out and you’re left with the so-so original frontrunner. (It’s hard to remember, but John McCain — JOHN MCCAIN — was the only one who seemed like an adult in the first couple months of 2008.)

  8. The Republicans have been pushing the “universal coverage already exists!” lie quite a bit lately; luckily it’s too late for them now. Note: yes, if you get by a car, the emergency room has to treat you, regardless of whether you have insurance. Of course, this can easily bankrupt you; and doesn’t help much if you need, say, a regular series of chemo treatments.

    It’s also telling that he talks about a father spanking his child as if that’s perfectly OK and fine. It’s not surprising that a dog torturer could support child abuse.

  9. Huh? Say, this Mitt fellow, he’s got good hair and all, but what is going to do about those damned Portuguese kids on my lawn? I said OFF MY LAWN, NOW, you jibbering rascals!

  10. [re=559717]JMP[/re]: It would be so nice if he could just explain it clearly. He knows and can explain the merits of his plan if he wanted to — there are some great articles from back in the day where he does! — but he just has to muddy it up with these strange, grouchy Republican slogans, and no one knows what the fuck he’s babbling about.

  11. [re=559708]Lazy Media[/re]: Mittens the Cat-man vrs. Hopey the “socialist” Joker ? Sounds like a match made in a comics covention paradise. And I hate comics.

  12. HAHAHA. Newsweek’s Romano nails Romney’s ass TO THE WALL about a 2007 quote where Mittens says that the Massachusetts HC plan would eventually be a model for the nation. The ensuing backpedal is friggin’ hilarious.

  13. I will have what Mitt is having please, pharmaceutically speaking. Also, Rand Paul is going to eat Mittens’s sweetbreads in 2012, for the Constapatushion.

  14. [re=559730]nappyduggs[/re]: Ron Paul is too principled (wrong-headly principled, for the most part, but still…) to be taken up as a serious contender by the Party nomenklature, if not the base. If they do pick him, it will be a real Hail Mary shot on the part of the Wing-nuts.

  15. [re=559708]Lazy Media[/re]: You under estimate the stupidity of the Tea Baggers. They sincerely have themselves convinced that they speak for all America. Mittens will win the Republiklan nomination, but they won’t allow themselves to be turned away from their mission to save America from Americans. Palin/Bachmann ’12-The Batshyt Crazy Party!

  16. [re=559729]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: He’s a box of hair, and nobody outside Virginia has heard of him, except for the Confederate History thing. Stanford/Harvard (Mittens) > Notre Dame/Regent (Bob). The GOP front-runner is nearly always the nominee — it’s the conservative thing to do. The last dumb-guy, Xtian-fundie GOP nominee had the advantage of being the anointed front-runner WAY early, and was the son of a president. McDonnell has no such advantages. Rick Perry has as much chance of being the GOP nominee.

    Now, if McDonnell runs, and doesn’t step on his dick too hard, he could be the nominee in 2016. Gawdhelpus, Americans ARE stupid enough to elect that asshole after eight years of Obama (see 2000). Although the changing demographics keep making that less likely (bye, white people!).

  17. My new t-shirt:
    I slept with–wait, hang on . . .
    I got spanked by . . . ‘kay, here goes:
    I grinned while wearing blackface and standing behind and to the right of and at least an arm’s length from Mitt Romney.

  18. [re=559737]Marxist-Leninist Papist[/re]:

    Rand-O, not Ronco, is whom I’m speaking of. And while I would normally agree with your statement, there is plenty of time between now and 2012 to explore uncharted territory in craziness and paranoia; I think that by that time,if things keep going the way that they’re going, the nutters will be more than ready to go to there, you know what I mean?

  19. [re=559738]GOPCrusher[/re]: Oh, I understand their stupidity; I just doubt their organizational skills. While there are a LOT of individual tea baggers, much of the tea party “movement” is Astroturf funded by Dick Armey, and the rest of their organization is a bunch of for-profit con men on the make. Dick’s not going to give Sarah Palin a big pile of money to fuck up the Republican nominee.

  20. [re=559715]Jim Newell[/re]: But are we ruling out a run by Megs McCain? After all the R’s are dynasts at heart. And titties, also.

  21. [re=559750]Red Zeppelin[/re]: …”dynasts at heart.” In that case, they’d run another Shrub, God forbid. Anything is possible in the next 2 years.

  22. Consider the last time the teabaggers were a significant factor in a national election: 1992 and 1996, when they were Perotistas. Subtract Ross Perot and his money, and nobody would ever have noticed them. Unless Sarah Palin wins about six lotteries, and grows a sense of responsibility, nobody is going to give the teabaggers a national candidate to rally around who doesn’t have an (R) after their name on the ballot. And since teabaggers are just a subset of Republicans (plus some racist Democrats in border states who didn’t vote for Obama, anyway), the net effect is zero.

    BTW, has anyone noticed an INSANE level of anti-Obama bumper stickers in their state? It’s not that bad in Georgia, but Tennesseans are NUTS about hating the guy. I guess Georgians are more used to having black people run things.

  23. What Golden-Tablets-for-Brains is referring to is the Emergency Medical Treatment and Labor Act (EMTALA), signed into law in 1996 by Ronald of Reagan as part of COBRA.

    The act requires, regardless of a person’s ability to pay, emergency room admission (but not hospitalization) of a person with an emergency medical condition, until the person is “stabilized”, then the person amy be put on a gurney with a swift shove out the sliding doors. NOT government reimbursed. The faciltiy providing the emergency care eats the cost.

  24. [re=559753]S.Luggo[/re]: Which means the hospital over-charges everyone else who can pay, because they don’t want to eat it?

  25. [re=559755]the problem child[/re]: Of course. The only institutions in my state that eat the cost are the county ones for the indigent, and they’ve run out money.

  26. But what if a faux lesbian in West Hollywood spanks her faux lesbian girlfriend?

    That’s ok as a reimbursable party expense, and as a state program, but not a federal (sorry for this…) mandate?

    Don’t lesbians consider mandates sexual harassment?

  27. 2012 is still a ways out, though not much. anyone in happy hopey land detect a possibility of libtard complacency going into this fall’s mid-terms? a rude comeuppance possibly ahead before t-giving? see, i been having this nightmare…

  28. [re=559747]SayItWithWookies[/re]: There’s no way Palin or Beck run for office. Beck made $35MM last year throwing rocks. He’s way too smart to move into the glass house.

    Regarding Sarah Palin, I have other plans for her. I think she can be rehabilitated. Imagine how much money she could make if she had an epiphany and suddenly became a liberal?

    Still laughing? It’s not unprecedented. I offer as evidence the commercial and ideological transformation of Mrs. Huffington.

  29. “Everybody in America today has health care,” he said during a recent interview on Fox Business. “If they get sick, even without insurance, they get free care, paid for by government. We said no more of that. No more free riders. We want people taking personal responsibility for getting health insurance if they can afford it.”

  30. I’m not going to find fault with other people’s perspectives.
    That’s actually pretty good. I’ll have to remember it. Someone says, “People who agree with your own official political view say you are a lying hypocritical sack of shit who drinks blood and molests little children in Satanic rituals conducted by extra-terrestrial reptilians,” and now I’ll just say, “I’m not going to find fault with other people’s perspectives.”

  31. [re=559721]Jim Newell[/re]: I’ll bet they have to turn in Daily Action Reports that detail how they used the current talking points with the press.(See the MA senator’s remarks for an example). Then at the end of the month or quarter they get a check based on usage of talking points. My proof? 1) they all love money and judge anyone and anything by monetary standards. 2) They all have exactly the same talking points at the exact same time, thus inferring some controlling agent. Ipso facto, they must be getting paid to do so! They are very unlikely to come up with the extraordinarily similar talking points on their own ( too lazy for one thing) and if they are going out of their way (ie. not golfing or patronizing titty bars ) to get quoted, then there must be financial gain!

  32. It’s unfortunate that the only really good thing Mittens help bring to life in his governor days is going to cost him his party’s nomination.

    And by ‘unfortunate’ I mean, ‘actually pretty funny.’

  33. Since exactly when does “government care for people who can afford to care for themselves”? Yes, Mitch, that explains why so many people–even those with health insurance–have to go bankrupt because of medical costs. I only hope and pray you run against Obama, just so I can enjoy watching him cut you into little pieces. Excellent Newell, BTW.

  34. The current system is awesome, what with how the federal government just paid for everyone in the emergency room, just cold PAID FOR EM, so that St. John’s Hospital in Elmhurst, Mary Immaculate Hospital in Jamaica, and St. Vincent’s Hospital in Manhattan didn’t all go bankrupt in the last year and half, so they could be sure that there weren’t large areas of the nation’s biggest city going severely underserved. To say nothing of all the jobs that were saved!

    Oh, wait.

  35. [re=559752]Lazy Media[/re]: Well, I don’t get out to the middle/eastern ends of the state very often (hey, it’s an extremely fucking long state), but here around Memphis there’s a pretty stark divide:

    In Memphis proper, it’s all Obama bumper stickers, because the only white people who haven’t fled the city for paler neighborhoods are us liberals. Get out to the suburbs, and you have a lot of potential layouts, depending on which ‘burb. In the more upper-to-upper-middle class neighborhoods, you will see A) The adhesive residue where they removed their McCain/Palin stickers in shame, B) Some anti-abortion nonsense about how I’m a murderer because I have dudebortions all the time, usually with a lot of other feel-good churchy stickers, or C) people who never removed their “W” sticker. If you look really hard, you might find, like, three Obama/Biden stickers.

    Once you get into the less fancy suburbs, or god help you, rural areas, it’s this, all the fucking time, on every car. To the point where it’s not worth taking your camera out anymore.

    Did I mention that race relations in the Greater Memphis Area are batshit dumb/insane? Half of the white people are cocks to black people just constantly, and all the black people operate under the assumption that the more decent half will just act like the rest of the crackers.

  36. We created an incentive for people to get insurance at the state level. Our plan is a state plan. I oppose a federal plan for purposes of federalism. It would be like saying, a father has spanked his son. Do you think that the federal government should be allowed to spank children?

    What Mitt is saying here is that its okay for states to act like your parents, but the federal government does it, its evil. That is ALMOST LITERALLY what he’s saying.

    Does anyone SANE really buy that “federal government should be limited but when the states do anything its fine and dandy” argument?

    The federal government shouldn’t be allowed to regulate insurance companies (despite the interstate commerce clause), but should be able to deprive people of their rights (despite the Bill of Rights) in the name of public safety except the right to bear arms, and states should be allowed to do anything and everything they want because of FEDERALISM. This is what they really think, and are completely incapable of seeing the contradictions.

    AAAAHHHGGGGG!!!!!!!!!

  37. [re=559853]Zadig[/re]: I win forever at html tags. Also, I was slightly exaggerating in my statement that it’s about 50/50 for racists vs more reasonable people in Memphis. It’s really more like 80/20. This city is so dumb.

  38. [re=559855]BarackMyWorld[/re]: Also, I thought good little Republicans were supposed to be in favor of insurers being allowed to sell across state lines. Against state regulatory authority before they were for it, and then again afterwards, back and forth forever. Whenever it’s convenient, really.

    You’re looking for a coherent political philosophy where there isn’t one, and there hasn’t been for the better part of a century. At this point they’re just taking the progressive platform, making a copy, and writing ‘NOT’ next to every bullet point.

  39. Romney is dumber than George Bush if he thinks the Republican Party (USA) will elect a Mormon president anytime in the next 100 years. The Religious Right is too powerful right now and they would prefer ANYTHING to a Mormon. Mrs. Palin, even, is more likely.

    Beside, the Abomination of Palin-nation would be so much more entertaining. Mormons are dull, even the polygamists.

  40. [re=559715]Jim Newell[/re]: I’m afraid they will drag out Jeb Bush at some point. This is my re-occuring nightmare.

    Also:
    “doesn’t bother connecting one sentence to another, threatens spankings, etc etc.”
    And we are all stupider for having read that article.

  41. Romney appears to be a bit fixated on kinky discipline-play.

    Also, he’s a Republican.

    Expecting the obligatory sex scandal any day now.

  42. [re=559732]chascates[/re]:To the contrary, the only small business owner I know in the state (my brother) finally could get healthcare for himself, his co-owners and their couple of employees. His business has been up and down for a long time, but never good enough to afford the rates of private insurance for a small company. Don’t know about broader effects on hiring, since the economy as a whole has been so crappy, but my suspicion is the effect is negligible.

  43. [re=559763]Troubledog[/re]: So Sarah Palin is Todd’s beard? That’s what you’re saying? Because that would explain some things, but raise a bunch of questions.

  44. [re=559855]BarackMyWorld[/re]: Yeah, that bothered me too. If that analogy were even close to true, then states would have all sorts of authority they don’t really possess – like, say breaking into your house and even your bedroom to make sure you aren’t spanking anything you shouldn’t be (as far as their concerned).

  45. [re=559846]PsycGirl[/re]: This is the U.S. of A., so feel free to be spanked by a dual-citizenship midget who’s in the pocket of global corporations if that turns you on. Just don’t think that because Rahm Emanuel is foul-mouthed and used to be a ballet dancer, he’s all cool and arty or something deluded like that.

  46. Some of us past a certain age find opportunities for sexual congress somewhat less plentiful than they were at other times of life, back when “having sex” substituted for “achieving something.” Therefore I do not think I can be trusted to make an informed choice as to which person I would prefer to mete out my spanking. It’s the assurance that I will be spanked which I value most.

  47. [re=559763]Troubledog[/re]: The difference btw. Mrs. Huffington and Half-Gov. Palin? Mrs. Huffington is literate and transformed herself. The Half-Gov. would have to BE transformed by handlers and could never keep her stories straight even if she agreed to it (for the monies). “Am I for that? I forget. If you say so, Charlie.”

  48. [re=559774]sati demise[/re]:
    It is not a function of his Mormonology (although with all of its so-called “secret” Masonic handshakes and Elks lodge male-bonding rituals and Temple backrubs, tough to take seriously as anything special.) Yet, we retain a sense of humor.

    His target American voter would elect a Satanist to office so long as the candidate believed in the universal right to carry an Uzi and extra clip into a nursery school and wasn’t a total and complete asshole.

    Mittney fails on the second point.

  49. [re=559717]JMP[/re]: You know, when my first child was born, I had this argument with my wife and I took the position that any corporal punishment is wrong, it betrays a lack of imagination on the part of the parent, look at Sweden, etc.
    Then the first time he tried to step out into the street without holding my hand, I gave him a smack on the butt so hard that bystanders turned around in horror. It was instinctive.
    My wife just looked at me with a smile as if to say “Hah. Guess I won that debate.” And she had.

  50. [re=559738]GOPCrusher[/re]: Well, each of them defines America as “me and a few friends.” The rest of us are illegal aliens or escaped slaves or something.

  51. [re=559953]S.Luggo[/re]: The Born-Agains would not elect an open Satanist or a Mormon. It’s true that most televangelists are satanists in effect. But they when they worship Satan, they always call him Jesus.

    For a Mormon to be elected President he would have to 1) be a Democrat; 2) a secret Mormon as well as Republican; or 3) totally purge the Born-Agains from the Party, like Stalin purging the Trotskyites. None of that is like to happy any time soon.

    A Mormon Cromwell putting himself into office at the head of an army is more likely than a Mormon elected president.

  52. [re=559878]Berkeley Bear[/re]: Todd is a sailor. He’s probably had sex with an octopus, let alone any number and variety of human beings.

  53. In a way, this is worse than that should be infamous account Wonkette printed about what it’s like to bang Orly Taitz. Or at least it produces the same gag reflex and makes me throw up in my mouth, not a little bit but a lot. A whole lot. It makes me vomit in my mouth a lot.

  54. [re=559744]Lazy Media[/re]: “The last dumb-guy, Xtian-fundie GOP nominee had the advantage of being the anointed front-runner WAY early, and was the son of a president…Rick Perry has as much chance of being the GOP nominee.”
    Oh please oh please!!!!!

  55. [re=559953]S.Luggo[/re]: “His target American voter would elect a Satanist to office so long as the candidate believed in the universal right to carry an Uzi and extra clip into a nursery school and wasn’t a total and complete asshole.”

    OK, which one of you with political connections is willing to take one for the team and start up a campaign for some election based on this platform to test this premise? You could use that Devil guy graphic from the Larry Craig posting today
    http://wonkette.com/414932/evil-fired-white-house-counsel-whore-dragon-greg-craig-will-save-goldman-sachs
    (sorry, don’t know how to make a linky)

    With buttsecks and furries, of course.

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