Tea Partiers Wonder If Lindsey Graham’s Gayness Is Causing Him To Be So Gay In Congress

  duh

Finally, some Wonkette agreement with the Greenville Tea Party of South Carolina: Why won’t unmarried ex-Sailor Lindsey Graham, whose super-gay voice and constant gayness with Joe Lieberman and Walnuts McCain make him seem gay, just tell us the truth about his sexual orientation? Straight, or gay — which is it, Lindsey? (CAVEAT: it will only count as “truth” if he says “gay.”)

Ha ha ha no no no… we are just being dumb and mean. This speaker at the Greenville Tea Party event, though, is very seriously concerned that Lindsey Graham’s Stealth Gayness is causing him to (pretend to) work with Democrats on energy and immigration bills. IT’S NOT THAT HE’S HOMOPHOBIC THAT’S NOT WHAT HE’S… THAT’S JUST NOT IT, OKAY? He’s merely declaring that… if Lindsey Graham were gay… he wouldn’t vote for him? Eh? There, that should do it.

(Also enjoyable is his brilliant prophecy that people would make fun of him for these comments on Monday morning. Ha ha, silly overreact-y Internet, always thinking there’s fun to be made when someone says, “I need to figure out why you’re trying to sell out your own countrymen, and I need to make sure you being gay isn’t it,” earnestly.)

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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73 comments

  1. Lascauxcaveman

    These guys just think about gay stuff, a lot. They can’t get the gayness outta their minds, can they? Just sit around and imagine gay scenarios pretty much all day long.

    Whatever turns you on, honey.

  2. Snarkalicious

    I very much enjoy the ‘DPRK Interrogation Style’ in which you have called this Graham fellow a nancy butt pirate. Please to continue.

  3. Buzz Feedback

    After his address, the speaker retired to a bathroom in the strip mall behind him for a game of slap and tickle with a 12 year old Laotian boy.

  4. norbizness

    It’s just his homage to David Cross’ old bit about Jesus being an effeminate Southern man. “Y’all, I just opened Lazarus’ tomb, and it smelled like poo-gas!”

  5. nappyduggs

    The worm has turned- or is just wriggling around in bipartisan excrement, whichever.

    Also, that speaker is totes gay for L.G.’s mangina.

  6. Minnie Mean

    This is embarrassing, but I only speak English (and a bit of French, and Spanish, and Norwegian) so I can’t understand a word this man is saying. Is there a transcript of this important speech that we could translate into English for those of us who don’t speak Trailerparkmushmouthish?

  7. BOOBIES!

    What he is really saying is that Lindsey needs to go on a hiking trip with Mark Sanford and bone some hot Argentian ass to prove his patriotism.

  8. Jim Demintia

    Take it from someone living in SC, Lindsey Graham’s gayness is the openest of secrets down here. He has somehow engineered a beautiful ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ arrangement with the crazy rednecks and dumb fucks who make up a significant portion of his base, but his magical immunity has begun to disappear. Last election time, there was a pretty nasty whisper campaign. It’s only a matter of time before he Crists out and slaps together a marriage of convenience so he can dodge the rap of being a Republican Heterosexual In Name Only.

  9. nappyduggs

    [re=559343]bitchincamaro[/re]:

    I know, right? I don’t believe that the truck owner from the previous post- i.e.-a REAL FUKKIN’ MAN- would go anywhere near a lattice motif.

  10. Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    These are the same guys who choke it to a sweaty 10 hr Frodo and Sam buttseks marathon, right?

  11. freakishlystrong

    Jesus, what does it say about me, that the only thing I can actually stand ABOUT Lindsey Graham, is the fact that he’s gay?

  12. What Fresh Hell is This?

    Remember the old “family values” days of the Republican party — with priests and gambling Bill Bennett and Newt and Ted Haggard trying to run our lives? Now it’s all guns and taxes, guns and taxes. Gee, I miss the good old days when America’s moral compass was safely hidden in the closet.

  13. Dolmance

    After thrilling to Wonkette’s first hand account from some guy about how great it was fucking Orly Taitz, I now have a ravenous appetite to learn about the sex lives of Right Wingers. Especially early in the morning before I’ve had my coffee. Truly, you people fill a niche that the lame stream media too often ignores.

  14. DustBowlBlues

    Why is there a life size cutout of George Bush back there? Is he gay for Lindsay Graham?

  15. Holding Out for a Hero

    [re=559352]Jim Demintia[/re]: Lindsey benefits from what I like to call “the single male choir director syndrome”. As long as he plays the organ nicely on Sunday mornigs so those sweet little church ladies in their hats and white gloves can sing their praise to Jesus, they don’t rightly care what or who he did on Saturday night.

  16. Shot at Wolf

    [re=559347]Minnie Mean[/re]: Well, I live in South Carolina, and the thirty-plus years of listening to “Trailerparkmushmouthish” talk has made the language “intelligible” to me. But as to any “open secrets” about Lindsay Graham’s sexual orientation talked about openly among the indigenous personnel hereabouts, I ain’t never heard none of it. Mostly, I just don’t like his politics none. His rivals for the job, however, are far worse.

  17. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=559341]Buzz Feedback[/re]: You know who else had slap & tickle fights with 12 years old Laotian boys?

    Dahmer.

  18. StripesAndPlaids

    [re=559336]JMP[/re]: By “Cooperating” he means, not hitting them in the head with lead pipes.

  19. Oblios Cap

    Lindsey Graham is gay?!?!? Oh, my stars and garters,I had no idea.

    Apparently he only likes the olds and their saggy, wrinkled nutsacks since he only hangs out with “Big Daddy” McCain and “Butch” Leiberman.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    I guess this is the same reason the conservatives don’t want gays in the military — because after all that training, they’re still liable to betray their country by considering the use of renewable fuel resources a priority. Oh, crap — it’s too late!

  21. Come here a minute

    The teabaggers will be so disappointed when the literacy tests they are promoting to suppress the n______ vote end up disenfranchising themselves.

  22. bfstevie

    Can we be sure that the cardboard cutout isn’t actually Pat Buchanan? Buchanan is frequently seen on the TeeVee with a lesbian, often looking a bit uncomfortable. Can someone explain this? Glenn Beck maybe?

  23. bfstevie

    Also, can we see by a show of hands who believes this guy is, as he claims, a “tolerant person”?

  24. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=559397]bfstevie[/re]: Uncomfortable? Pat wants to turn Rachel around.

    So far, telling her, “You just havn’t been with a REAL man, yet”, hasn’t worked. But it will. It will.

    But, you know which Nixon Admin official could get Maddow, right now? Kissinger. Hank’s a P-I-M-P.

  25. rachelv

    Do we know who the speaker is? Some youtuber thinks it is “the founder of ALIPAC (Americans for Legal Immigration PAC), William Gheen.”
    And this Gheen fellow’s facebook page says he is interested in “Women” AND “Men.”
    Could this man’s stance possibly be any wider?

  26. Hart88

    Of course, pointing out this man’s homphobia makes you more homophobic than John Wayne. So there.

  27. imissopus

    Just when I was starting to feel a little freaked out about being in Virginia right now, South Carolina swoops in to save the day. Thanks, giant closeted homophobe guy!

  28. Words

    [re=559366]DustBowlBlues[/re]: And what Is It @ the GOP and cardboard people, alive or dead? New fetish? Social statement? What?

  29. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=559469]Words[/re]: They typify Republicans everywhere: lightweight, shallow, and lifeless.

  30. Sue

    So, if being gay isn’t a good enough reason “to sell out your own countrymen” for this fella, what IS the correct, acceptable reason?

  31. Extemporanus

    [re=559375]WadISay[/re]: Just because that building also has a “Party Entrance” around back doesn’t make it gay — it makes it the world’s largest mullet.

  32. populucious

    Clearly it troubles him, this idea of Lindsey Graham’s Stealth Gayness…it keeps him up at night, night after night, wondering and wondering, and pondering too, just pondering obsessively about whether or not Lindsey Graham might be gay. Cuz if Lindsey WERE gay, then maybe they could go to the gay prom together, no?

  33. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=559439]rachelv[/re]: ALIPAC? Don’t bring that Shi’ite up in here.

  34. Buzz Feedback

    [re=559382]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: Well, there you go. I rest my case, also.

  35. trondant

    [re=559368]Holding Out for a Hero[/re]: As long as he plays the organ nicely on Sunday

    LOL

  36. doxastic

    He would also like to get to the bottom of why his mother packed him a baloney sandwich for lunch (when she KNOWS he prefers HAM) and whether or not her being into Roman showers has anything to do with it.

  37. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=559442]Oldskool[/re]: I won’t say LOL (this time), but in fact, I laughed out loud when I read your comment.

  38. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Little known fact, Erick Massa was Lindsey Grahms’ bunk mate on board the USS New Jersey, long known as the gayest ship in the navy.

    Plus, can you name a single time this country was sold out and teh buttsex/Democrats were not involved? Can’t do it, can you?

    [re=559431]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Not possible. That would make Monica Crowley interesting.

  39. jus_wonderin

    “I’m agonna take a heap of criticism ’bout that on Monday.”

    “But right now, me and ole 2 ply W are agonna go find us a quiet place where I can wank…er, work out my homophobic frustrations cuz it’s not about Lindsey being gay. No. No. No.”

    Though it pointed out; whispering sweet nothings into a two dimensional GWB is soooooo last decade.

  40. Gramps

    Beejeebus…Wonkette: why don’t we give him a Hobson’s Choice, already.

    That seems fair…”(CAVEAT: it will only count as “truth” if he says “gay.”) “

  41. Jim89048

    [re=559431]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That would certainly be good news for me, so I could put my overwhelming desire to hate-fuck her to bed once and for all.

  42. Gumboz1953

    [re=559608]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Huh? Lindsey Graham wasn’t in the Navy. He was in the Air Force… I served with him in Europe, 20-something years ago. In fact, he’s still in the Air Force Reserve.

    What’s he doing bunking on a ship?

  43. libwakman

    All for the simple reason that LaLaLindsey has a cock’n’balls pita bread manwich for lunch every day is no reason to call her gay. What a bitch Butchie the slap the cock out of a guys mouth is.

  44. eekahil

    OK – It was all fun-n-geighmz when we were nudging and winking over Lindsey G’s Confirmed Bachelorhood, but now that those Scary Meanheads are using that bit of fun japery for , well, scary meanheadedness… not really that cool. Slam a feller for being a self-hating closet-case for his retrograde politics and hypocrisy, not for being a self-hating closet case.
    The end.

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