RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  12:00 pm April 19, 2010

Why Can’t the Government Just Send All the Unhealthy People To Bagram and Leave the Rest of Us the Hell Alone?

by Riley Waggaman

  • South Korea was a simple place, a happy place. Then South Korea was introduced to the Internet, and also Starcraft. And now South Korean people want to kill themselves. [Matt Yglesias]
  • John McCain does not want to be called a trail-blazin’ maverick: “The Spirit of America” will suit him just fine, thank you. [Think Progress]
  • Americans are very distrustful of Obamacare, because how does government-run health care protect us from terrorism? We miss the days when there was less government, when the government was too busy wiretapping our Twitter accounts to worry about our health. [Daily Intel]
  • Why is it that modern Twilight vampires are all enormous vegan metrosexuals? This is why: [The Daily Dish]
  • There are at least three good reasons to legalize pot. (But c’mon people, do you really want the government taxing the brownies that are in your freezer?) [Hit & Run]
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Hola wonkerados.

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ddenby April 19, 2010 at 12:04 pm

And when is “Rumors” going to be posted in the morning. This is time creep. Even though the Red Sox are playing (and losing) before noon doesn’t give my Wonkette free license to post this wicked early and then scamper off to the bar at 12:15.

Or maybe it does. Whatever. Do interns get to drink?

ddenby April 19, 2010 at 12:05 pm

Also “The Spirit of America” is what is on the bottom of Communist Massachusetts’s license plates. So John McCain is a Communist with health care. Come on, Hayworth, you know you want to make that comparison.

JMP April 19, 2010 at 12:18 pm

Having known many Korean-Americans, I blame South Korean mothers. They can put Jewish mothers to shame in inflicting guilt and making their kids think they just aren’t good enough.

John McCain doesn’t consider himself a maverick, but does consider himself the most awesomest Senator in US history, and would like people to call him that.

Pot legalization would be good, but pleases, Reason, do not help, you are a bunch of Randian douchebags.

freakishlystrong April 19, 2010 at 12:23 pm

When is Riley going to go and stick flowers in the muskets of the patriots gathering in Virginia? And we want want pictures. We’re Wonkett subscribers after all.

ManchuCandidate April 19, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Exactly. It takes an “awful” Korean to not be a “perfect” child who studies hard and dates only Koreans. Plus we’re also kind of krazy.

Thanks mom!!!

bitchincamaro April 19, 2010 at 12:25 pm

I always thought it was “Bagram”, but I understand your aversion to the “bag” word, Riley.

bureaucrap April 19, 2010 at 12:27 pm

If he’s calling himself the “Spirit of America”, is he going to dock himself at the SW waterfront so that people can take nightly dinner cruises on his back?

Barrelhse April 19, 2010 at 12:36 pm

Jesus, Riley. Now everyone knows they’re in my freezer.

proudgrampa April 19, 2010 at 12:42 pm

Enough of that vegan stuff. Gimme a steak! Juicy rare. Mmm.

Long Form Def Certificate April 19, 2010 at 12:43 pm

Why is it noted spokesman for the RNC Chris Wallace is less prone to slurping WALNUTS! than the supposed speaker of truth to power David Gregory?

queeraselvis v 2.0 April 19, 2010 at 12:45 pm

Although I consider myself a vegetarian, I would still happily choke on Robert Pattison’s penis. For Jeebus and for PETA.

edgydrifter April 19, 2010 at 12:46 pm

You know who else was a sparkly vegan? Oh yes you do.

mumblyjoe April 19, 2010 at 12:48 pm

But aren’t the Twilight vampires written by a Mormon? So isn’t it more likely to be White Christian/Protestant guilt-about-sex, rather than White Liberal guilt-about-privilege?

On the other hand, Joss Whedon sort of revived mainstreamed the whole “Angsty Metrosexual Vegan Vampires” thing that Vampire: the Masquarade started in the first place, with Buffy and Angel, so fuck you, Joss Whedon. And V:tM. Also.

Come here a minute April 19, 2010 at 12:49 pm

John McCain doesn’t care what you call him, as long as you don’t call him late for dinner, or Sarah Palin’s former running mate.

SayItWithWookies April 19, 2010 at 12:51 pm

Geeze, do critics really need to come up with a sociological reason that modern vampires don’t kill people? How ’bout this: Stephanie Meyers is too much of a sissy to write about anything that defies her precious Mormon values, so random murder and seduction are out? Granted, that’s not a two-part tedious diatribe that Andrew Sullivan finds worthy of note, but then again, neither are a lot of obvious things.

PsycGirl April 19, 2010 at 12:53 pm

They forgot an important fourth reason for legalizing pot: it would allow me to clearly win an argument with my stepmother.

Oblios Cap April 19, 2010 at 12:59 pm

You can have my brownies when you pry them outta my cold, freezer-burned fingers!

I guess I’ll have to switch to tea with no bags. Or tea.

ArugulaTeleprompterz April 19, 2010 at 1:12 pm

This dude is just cold copyin’ and pastin’ the Wonkette for his own blog. Without providing due credit! Lazy!!!11!!

Sorry for the long link – too much of a retard to figure out how to make the cute little links.

coolcatdaddy April 19, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Hmm… John McCain …

Maverick? … no …

metrosexual? … nah …

vegan? … probably not…

vampire? … likely….

the problem child April 19, 2010 at 1:32 pm


“© 2010 David Reinstein. All Rights Reserved.”

Well, not exactly…

Lascauxcaveman April 19, 2010 at 1:36 pm

[re=559376]bureaucrap[/re]: No he’s comparing himself to a gutless, malaise-era ’76 Chevy Nova.

Which sounds about right.

steverino247 April 19, 2010 at 1:37 pm

[re=559407]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Sooner or later, the thirst always wins.

the problem child April 19, 2010 at 1:39 pm

[re=559441]ArugulaTeleprompterz[/re]: For the shorties, you can use or if you use firefox, install an add on like TinyURL Creator (there are lots of options for this) from the Mozilla site. And that’s enough earnest sharing for today.


Lascauxcaveman April 19, 2010 at 1:47 pm

[re=559465]the problem child[/re]: Weird. Click on his ‘home’ button and you’ll see he’s mirroring the content of Wonkette, only w/o the ads or comments.

Who needs the dumb old comments anyway, they always suck!

Lascauxcaveman April 19, 2010 at 2:02 pm

[re=559441]ArugulaTeleprompterz[/re]: Here’s the tag I use to do it:

[A HREF="some.htm"> Click here to go there </A]

-Replace the open bracket with the less than sign (capital comma) and the closing bracket with the greater than sign (capitol period).

- Put the web address of what you’re linking to between the quotes, and replace ‘Click here to go there’ with whatever words you want to appear in the brown type.

TGY April 19, 2010 at 2:03 pm

Modern vampires are tame because we have Joe Liberman and Dick Cheney to scare us, now. We don’t need fictional monsters.

the problem child April 19, 2010 at 2:13 pm

[re=559478]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Including content that our Wonkette has not yet shared concerning the arborial habits of first ladies.

JMP April 19, 2010 at 2:18 pm

[re=559478]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: People who comment on blogs are just a bunch of loser nerds anyway.

ArugulaTeleprompterz April 19, 2010 at 2:26 pm

[re=559472]the problem child[/re]: [re=559489]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Thanks! Next time I find an internet vampire I’ll be sure to link more better.

Wonkette, are you going to order a cease and desist? Threaten to beat him about the head and neck with your dildo mallet?

the problem child April 19, 2010 at 2:37 pm

[re=559508]ArugulaTeleprompterz[/re]: I think this qualifies as a “tip”. You found it, so take credit, operative Arugula!

Extemporanus April 19, 2010 at 2:47 pm

[re=559372]ManchuCandidate[/re]: My drug dealer is a friendly, unfailingly polite Korean kid who’s available 24 hours a day and still lives at home, so his eomma must be doing something right.

sarcasticusername April 19, 2010 at 2:56 pm

“i prefer great american.” seriously?!? what the hell is wrong with this guy? who says something like that?
can you imagine the insanity that would’ve ensued among the villagers if a democrat had said that, or better yet if the gayest hippie america hater of all ie. faux war hero john kerry’d, had the gall to say that out loud? you’d have felt the ground move from the sheer magnitude of the resulting eruption of crazy.

Mr Blifil April 19, 2010 at 3:10 pm

[re=559441]ArugulaTeleprompterz[/re]: Don’t be so easily taken in. Who do you think is honestly copying whom?

Mr Blifil April 19, 2010 at 3:13 pm

[re=559535]sarcasticusername[/re]: Don’t rag on McCain’s rustic self-deprecating “humor,” designed to make all right-thinking men chuckle in appreciation. If you take that away from him, all that’s left are the forced bi cuckolding sessions that Cindy wrote into the prenup.

Oblios Cap April 19, 2010 at 3:29 pm

[re=559554]Mr Blifil[/re]:

Wonkette is David Reinstein? The fellow that has “Instrumental sax and flute new age jazz music featured on The Weather Channel”?

The horror, the horror!

Lionel Hutz Esq. April 19, 2010 at 3:45 pm

Sadly, as is true for all Libertarian arguments, the same three arguments in favor of pot can also be used in favor of allowing priest to molest collies.

Horselover Fat April 19, 2010 at 4:42 pm

Why is NewsBusters no longer part of the roundup when it still has comment-crazy gems like this:

Horselover Fat April 19, 2010 at 4:43 pm

oops, why, I cain’t use computar! I blame my drug-retarded librul brain. the link is:

JMP April 19, 2010 at 5:02 pm

[re=559353]ddenby[/re]: It may be too bad that Riley did the round-up so early today, since he missed another Yglesias crushing-on-Miley-Cyrus post:

Jim89048 April 19, 2010 at 7:01 pm

At least Reinstein had the trucknutz to tag teh Wonkette, if not outright attribute…

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