MODERN PROBLEMS  9:39 am April 19, 2010

Americans Sad To Be ‘Stuck’ In Europe, Due To Dinosaur-Killing Volcano Ash

by Ken Layne

The future, it is murder.Wonkette operative Lady MacBeth writes, “Jesus Christ, I’m stuck in the South of France. And all you people can do is cover tea party events??? There are so many of us stuck in Europe and humbled by language barriers and dirty laundry and stripey black-and-white shirts and Wonkette covers the tea party?!” Yeah well you know WHAT, “Lady,” if that is your real (European) name?

This complaining about being “stuck” in Europe, it is like complaining about having too much money or too much cocaine or whatever people are excited about these days, maybe having “hella iPads.” Anyway, sorry you fancy folks are TRAPPED in a land of good food and for-real socialized medicine and sexy people who don’t have to wear size-XXXXXXXL sweat pants.

ALSO: This is good training for whatever inevitable apocalyptic disaster soon strikes the Earth, what with the “can’t fly jet-planes full of Moroccan strawberries to the golf course in Scotland” problems and “can’t fly my hookers back to Coachella,” etc. STOP DOING THOSE THINGS, it is annoying. (Did you hear about the Pentagon being forced to fly its War-Wounded military personnel from the Middle East and Central Asia straight to America, instead of the big American Military Hospital Complex in Germany? Yeah nothing inherently wrong with *that* problem, is there?)

In the future, if we’re lucky, there will be no passenger aeroplanes at all. We will, if we’re very fortunate, travel to “the continent” a few times per life on a Great Big Clipper Ship, with solar sails and robot sex slaves, and it will take two or three weeks, and it will be awesome. [AFP/CNN International]


Hola wonkerados.

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V572625694 April 19, 2010 at 9:43 am

The airlines are doing everything they can to make your dream a reality, Ken. American Airlines: still slightly better than shipping yourself via Fedex!

ManchuCandidate April 19, 2010 at 9:45 am

Or flying blimps.

On the other hand, this might be a good thing. It means colder winters and we mitigate that whole global warming/climate change thing for a little bit. Might be nice to see glaciers grow and make a snowball before CO2 turns this place into Arrakis and we drink our own distilled pee to survive.

JMP April 19, 2010 at 9:49 am

We should have suspected Iceland. It’s a remote, volcanic island filled with suspiciously attractive people which actually manufactures new land and grows several inches per year; of courses it’s perfect for a supervillain lair. Now they’re attacking Europe; but who knows when they’ll turn their black clouds to America?

Whitey Did Katrina April 19, 2010 at 9:52 am

The last paragraph is an oblique metaphor for the fact that we spend the future strung out on smack rather than traveling, and that blenders will be sucking on our ding dongs. Isn’t that right, Ken???

charlesdegoal April 19, 2010 at 9:54 am

Right on. Here (in Paris) it’s sunny and warm and there are no annoying planes overhead. The millions of unemployed are necking in the parks instead of demonstrating. At least some of them.

Aflac Shrugged April 19, 2010 at 9:58 am

[re=559147]JMP[/re]: All this ash could go away tomorrow – if those English fucks stop leaning on the Icelandic taxpayer. Be a damn shame if all this ash killed air traffic for the next couple months.

ez April 19, 2010 at 10:01 am

Iceland, the nexis of the axis of evil.

Who brought down the Royal Bank of Scotland an caused a world wide economic crisis?
Who is waging volcanic war on the empty skies of the UK?
Who touts a man mae crater full of geothermal waste products suspended in water as “The Blue Lagoon”?

Bomb ‘em

queeraselvis v 2.0 April 19, 2010 at 10:05 am

“can’t fly my hookers back to Coachella”

This is good news for Bonnaroo.

thesheriffisnear April 19, 2010 at 10:05 am

French fries are really Belgian. Just sayin’…

TGY April 19, 2010 at 10:10 am

Now is the volcanic winter of our discontent

JMP April 19, 2010 at 10:10 am

[re=559151]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: You know, that’s a really nice tourism industry Paris has going for it; they wouldn’t want something bad to happen to it.

ManchuCandidate April 19, 2010 at 10:11 am

especially with homemade Garlic Mayo. Belgian Fries with mayo are better than (gasp) the “local” dish Poutine especially when the booze/pot munchies hit.

WIDTAP April 19, 2010 at 10:12 am

No, no, no Wonketteers! Do not become distracted by Iceland. We still have the War with Canada (TM) to start/finish/declare ceasefire but without an armistice. Just because Iceland has deployed their weapons of mass transit destruction is no reason for America to get dragged into a North Atlantic Co War.

Remember – War with Canada. We shall not stop until the world’s largest fresh water supply is…er…hey they started it!

Texan Bulldoggette April 19, 2010 at 10:15 am

This is Iceland’s punishment for bringing us Bjork.

Monsieur Grumpe April 19, 2010 at 10:15 am

It just seems like bombing Iceland would be redundant. But, what the hell. USA! USA! USA!

O_o April 19, 2010 at 10:16 am

My friend is stuck in Glasgow. If only he were in a country that had establishments where one could gather and drink alcohol, like a house, but with more beer, and for the public — I don’t know, a public house, of sorts. Too bad for him.

bbqboy April 19, 2010 at 10:17 am

What’s Europe? Is it that place next to where Ozzy and Sharon hail from?

rocktonsammy April 19, 2010 at 10:24 am

Have a Tea party in the South of FRANCE and may be we’ll give a rat ass.

God, Country, and Jail April 19, 2010 at 10:28 am

“Can’t be seen with the naked eye.”
“Doesn’t appear on radar.”
Only images are from “satellites.”

People, it’s obvious, some intergalactic military force has imposed a No-Fly Zone over Europe. Probably to prevent us from bombing civilians during the Summer wedding season.

Either that or the Aryan Mole Men of Thule are starting to make their move.

thesheriffisnear April 19, 2010 at 10:30 am

[re=559173]ManchuCandidate[/re]: The Canadians, some of whom speak French, put vinegar on their French Fries, which are really Belgian. What’s up with that?!?!

ManchuCandidate April 19, 2010 at 10:33 am

It’s a Brit thing. Not really a fan of it.

WadISay April 19, 2010 at 10:34 am

[re=559153]ez[/re]: The world should have struck Iceland right after Enya burst on the scene.

Norbert April 19, 2010 at 10:36 am

[re=559176]WIDTAP[/re]: Oh well, I guess it was only a matter of time, we knew this was coming. Hopefully you yanqui imperialists will spare me as a semi-American so that I may act as an interpreter with the local population here in Canadia. However, if you expect quislings to adopt the XXXXXXL sweat pants, the deal is off, please just take me out in the initial bombing. Thanks — Norbert.

God, Country, and Jail April 19, 2010 at 10:38 am

[re=559204]WadISay[/re]: But “r” and “c” aren;t anywhere near each other on the keyboard? But you are right, the world should have struck Ireland after Enya burst on the scene. Hell, the British tried but some heavily bearded anorexics with accents kept getting in the way.

weejee April 19, 2010 at 10:38 am

[re=559144]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Flying Blimps? Don’t we already have that with 3/4 of the passengers needing seat belt extenders?

the problem child April 19, 2010 at 10:40 am

[re=559195]thesheriffisnear[/re]: Well, it’s better than ketchup, but not nearly as good as garlic mayo. Or curry mayo, for that matter.

JMP April 19, 2010 at 10:48 am

[re=559173]ManchuCandidate[/re]: No; nothing is good with that disgusting slimy cum-like substance that some people use to ruin food.

weejee April 19, 2010 at 10:49 am

[re=559195]thesheriffisnear[/re]: S’il vous plaît, les habitants parlent du Québec qu’a, pas le français. just sayin’

F*T*S* April 19, 2010 at 10:51 am

I was contemplating this very scenario this very morning. What if I were able to scrape together enough Ameros to go visit the old country? On my very tight budget, I would have scaled all activities based on my available time and Ameros. If I were there now, I would certainly be drained entirely of Ameros and living under a bridge like some troll in the South of France.

Are hobo beans even available in the South of France!!!1!?

ManchuCandidate April 19, 2010 at 10:52 am

Yes, but Helium is better than Cheez fired Methane.

Hey. Actually, in most cases I agree with you-a friend of mine smears that shit on everything which is why he’s almost 300 pounds. Just not Belgian fries.

Redhead April 19, 2010 at 10:55 am

Real Murikans don’t go to socialist Europe in the first place, especially not FRANCE, where they serve FRENCH fries and FRENCH wine and FRENCH food! Try ordering some freedom fries there, commie!

chaste everywhere April 19, 2010 at 10:58 am

“We will, if we’re very fortunate, travel to “the continent” a few times per life on a Great Big Clipper Ship, with solar sails and robot sex slaves . . .” Dibs on Gigolo Jane!

“In the future, if we’re lucky, there will be no passenger aeroplanes at all.” In the future, if we’re much saner, there will be no passenger anythings because no need to travel because we will all have learned from Sam Beckett that one place is very much like another. . . . But just in case, dibs on Gigolo Jane!

The Sea Farmer April 19, 2010 at 11:01 am

the WWE wrestlers are stuck in the land of leprechauns and whatnot and won’t be able to get to real america new jersey to film RAW!!! tonight. i want my wrestling government! ric flair 4eva!

The Sea Farmer April 19, 2010 at 11:03 am
Long Form Def Certificate April 19, 2010 at 11:04 am

Reykavik havoc!

inedalo April 19, 2010 at 11:06 am

[re=559151]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: england said to iceland: send us cash! but all they got was ASH!

JMP April 19, 2010 at 11:13 am

[re=559257]chaste everywhere[/re]: But Sam Beckett traveled all over, not just through space but through time, putting things right that once went wrong. And he never returned home…

megs April 19, 2010 at 11:20 am

This wouldn’t be a problem if we still had zeppelins. THANKS A LOT, LAKEHURST, NEW JERSEY.

chaste everywhere April 19, 2010 at 11:21 am

[re=559283]JMP[/re]: True. Do you think he was having us on all the while?

But then Moran gets to go home at the end of Molloy: “They were the longest, loveliest days of the year. I lived in the garden . . .” (etc, etc, kindly visit the most beautiful closing paragraph in all of fiction)

Jennasaurus Rex April 19, 2010 at 11:29 am

[re=559221]the problem child[/re]: I recently discovered a bar where they serve curried ketchup with their fries. It’s basically the best of both worlds.

Mr Blifil April 19, 2010 at 11:36 am

All those pictures of the Iceland volcano disgorging fire, brimstone, lava, soot, smoke, lightning et al. put me in mind of Sarah Palin’s birth canal for some reason.

bitchincamaro April 19, 2010 at 11:37 am

If Angela Merkel can take a bus back to Berlin, you stranded whinging bitches can suck on Kir until the cows come home for all I care.

Johnny Zhivago April 19, 2010 at 11:52 am

Stoopid Europeans! A little ash wouldn’t stop AMERICANS from flying!


Jim89048 April 19, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Out in Vegas, André Agassi ponied up the ducats to open a school. The senior trip this year was to France, where the little darlings are still stuck. The parents are all like we want our babies back, and the kids are all like fuck you, we like it here.

Barcode of the Apocalypse April 19, 2010 at 12:25 pm

I hope the solar clipper ship housekeeping staff clean my robot sex slave better than they clean the drinking glasses in most of the hotel rooms I’ve been in.

mustardman April 19, 2010 at 12:47 pm

I’m still waiting for those ‘robot sex slaves’ to be invented. Maybe will be a spin off of the Obama Asteroid landing mission?

sezme April 19, 2010 at 12:50 pm

[re=559374]Barcode of the Apocalypse[/re]: Tomorrow, we are all unwashed robot sex slaves.

McDuff April 19, 2010 at 12:56 pm

Looks like John Locke did get off the island.

proudgrampa April 19, 2010 at 12:56 pm

What happened to the sub-orbital passenger rockets we were supposed to have by now? US to Europe in 30 minutes or less. Popular Science magazine LIED to me!

Terry April 19, 2010 at 1:00 pm


Don’t forget Bjork and that dish they eat that requires you to bury a Greenland shark on a beach for about three months.

thesheriffisnear April 19, 2010 at 1:01 pm

[re=559240]weejee[/re]: Morticia, you spoke French…

chascates April 19, 2010 at 1:03 pm

Stuck in a country where raw milk cheeses and great wines are super cheap; where you don’t hear about Limbaugh, Hannity, Beck, & Palin; where religion is not considered the ultimate weapon; where… Sorry, what was she complaining about?

Elm Hugger April 19, 2010 at 1:27 pm

If the Brits can send their navy to rescue their people, why can’t we send our navy to do the same? Why does Obama hate us so much???? And why does my spell checker not recognize “Obama”? It’s the aliens I tell you!

GOPCrusher April 19, 2010 at 2:06 pm

[re=559265]The Sea Farmer[/re]: Who cares? TNA BITCHES!!!!

Ducksworthy April 19, 2010 at 2:44 pm

[re=559144]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Shhhh. You’re dangerously close to revealing the fact that global warming/climate change is a Muslin plot to turn the planet into Arrakis where they will rule. By logical extension, those who oppose cap and trade and alternative energy are. like Jim Al Inhof in league with the terrists. I knew it.

Zorg April 19, 2010 at 3:37 pm

Robot sex slaves, Ken! Where, oh where?

gertrudis April 19, 2010 at 4:30 pm

[re=559396]mustardman[/re]: Finally, our space program invents something worthwhile. Better than Velcro! Or maybe, better *with* Velcro.

Darkness April 20, 2010 at 1:44 pm

Unpossible. You can’t go to Europe and remain an American.

ladymacbeth April 21, 2010 at 5:48 pm

[re=560335]Darkness[/re]: meh. i’m still in marseilles airport and pretty much hate everyone.

esp the french. also, americans.

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