wonkette sunday sports desk

Local Baseball Team Demands Violence From Season Ticket Holders

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

And now for your weekly update from the Wonkette Sunday Sports Desk: some people are losing some games, others are winning, whatever. But this weekend was a treat for the seven or eight Washington Nationals season-ticket holders, whose perforated booklets landed on the annual “Beat That Gal (Daughter? Wife? It Doesn’t Matter) Next To You” Promotional Event yesterday. Why do the Nationals hate nice ladies? Well, why not. Thank you for tuning in to this week’s edition of the Wonkette Sunday Sports Desk. [via Violence Against Ladies operative “Andrew D”]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Siberian Beetle

    Donkeypunching: An American Tradition

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    Barfing on your wife/daughter is illustrated on Phillies season tickets.

  • ManchuCandidate

    To be fair as the way the Nationals (Expos!) play, they hate everyone.

  • m_supercomputer

    The Nationals are just following the greatest Washington sports tradition: utter failure, at everything. I’m very disappointed in the Capitals, speaking of which.

  • Radiotherapy

    Crack her, Jack.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    This is why curling is the greatest sport in the universe. Nobody gets hurt.

  • obfuscator

    [re=559024]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: and the pants are so stylish!

  • oldguy

    Maybe they could beat girls.

  • Buzz Feedback

    Bitch set me up.

  • nappyduggs

    Iceberg Slim was a big baseball fan. Just sayin’.

  • chascates

    This is the only case where there is crying in baseball.

  • ifthethunderdontgetya”

    [re=559022]m_supercomputer[/re]: It’s 1-1, baybee!

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    If you know a better way to get some strange women sitting next to you to give you a blow job, I would like to know it.

  • Long Form Def Certificate

    The way the Nats did my Brew Crew, the woman really should have been wearing a Ryan Braun jersey.

    (& now this becomes your anti-Semitic (even if he’s not observant) Wonkette Sunday Sports Desk post for the week.)

  • hoosiermama

    That’s gotta hurt your hand, punching a girl in the skull. I would go for the more spongy, soft spots — and also avoid the arms, legs, and face as the bruises are more easily seen. As a former advocate for battered women, just sayin’ I got the inside scoop, is all.

  • hoosiermama

    Also, WTF?

  • V572625694

    [re=559019]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Yeah right, but the so-called “Baltimore Orioles” are really the St Louis Browns. (St Louis: first in booze, first in shoes, and last in the American League!)

    [re=559018]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Ha, and ha!

  • Words

    [re=559038]hoosiermama[/re]: Ditto!

  • gradgrind

    [re=559040]V572625694[/re]: And the so-called “Noo Yawk Y@n#ee$,” the correct spelling of whose name will cast a horrible spell over my keyboard, are really the “Baltimore Orioles” (until 1903 – you can look it up).

    The only thing the 21st century Orioles have ever asked of me, their codependent — what you in other cities would call a “fan” — is to get slowly, carefully off the ledge. Every Frickin’ Season.

  • Chernobyl Soup

    Jim, when you tell folks at parties that you write for the Wonkette Sunday Sports rag I’m guessing you get the same reaction as I get when I tell people I ran cross country in high school. A sympathetic look and a nod indicating “you just couldn’t hack it in the real world of sports, could ya?” Kind of like having a Canadian girlfriend.

  • Chernobyl Soup

    [re=559045]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: Oh and before I get banned… I was making fun of me, not Jim, our All American All Conference All State of All Sports of All Time hero.

  • Jukesgrrl

    When I went to Pirate games when I lived in Pittsburgh, they had a “Mullet Cam.” At boring moments in the game (most of the nine innings), the Mullet Cam zoomed in on people who still had mullet-hair (i.e. 25% of the audience) and put their pictures on the big screen for everyone else to laugh at. The mullet people would wave their fists and curse and try to give the finger on camera. Maybe the Nationals are just warning their fans that some sort of hair-do violence/entertainment is on the way.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=559040]V572625694[/re]: That masquerading team in Milwaukee will always be the Seattle Pilots to me.

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    wake me when the zombie sonics do the job against the Los Angeles Jesus Quintanas. TrailBlazers by ten over the suns tonight, btw… Grant Hill gets a French lesson from Nico Batum.

    Does anyone actually watch baseball?

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=559049]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Blazers by ten over the Suns? C’mon…

  • hotdog

    [re=559040]V572625694[/re]: And that’s not the only Browns team that Baltimore stole from another city.

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    I love to watch the Cubs and other teams, too. Baseball has a wonderful 19th century tempo that’s great for practicing a musical instrument to (pardon the Midwesternism — it’s the favorite place in a sentence we Midwesterners put a preposition at) — worked hard on my cross picking today as Marmol blew a save. Watching the Cubs also is enlightening about false expectations, senseless optimism and the superstitious nature of the athlete. They are indeed cursed — better them than me.

  • betterDeadThanRed

    Calling the Nationals a “Local Baseball Team” is like calling the “Washington Senators” (Texas Rangers) a baseball team. You’re taking liberties with the term “baseball team.”

  • Pete-O

    [re=559053]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: When I was in college, I would go study in the bleachers of our local MLB team during afternoon week games. No one there, tix were 10 bucks, and I could watch the game live.

  • Katydid

    [re=559034]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: We have got to talk.

  • Pete-O

    Also, Nationals logo is total ripoff of Walgreens. Which is where the blond chick (or dirty hippie dude) is going right after the single serving of whoop-ass.

  • El Pinche

    Rubbish! He’s not hitting that bitch upon her head, he’s just holding on to her blow-job handle.

  • Jim89048

    [re=559049]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Does anyone actually watch baseball?
    I only watch sports that deplete natural resources, because why the hell not? It’s what Jeebus wants, also.

  • the problem child

    [re=559049]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Not any more, but I still love the game. Too many commercials, and my Expos got turned into something unrecognizable. Oh, if by “watch”, you mean people on a Saturday afternoon just playing in the sun and having a beer in the dugout, yes.

  • Sharkey


    I’m guessing someone has a grudge against Bobbie Dylan.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=559056]Katydid[/re]: You’re right, you’re right. I forgot the Eric Massa tickle fight maneuver.

  • Mr Blifil

    Her fucking roots are a travesty. A dye job that back deserves a punch in the head.

  • SayItWithWookies

    It’s actually a stereotype that Nationlas fans are all violent misogynists with skin that looks like it’s been basted in a 350 degree oven for an hour every ten pounds. They’re actually more educated, have a higher income level, and are more like the working class people they pretend to be than you Hollywood liberal elitist pigs are. Or Brewers fans.

  • Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=559040]V572625694[/re]: [re=559040]V572625694[/re]: & the St. Louis Browns were the original Milwaukee Brewers. Look it up.

    Cannot wait ’til the Athletics move to Portland, Ore., & become the first MLB team to play in four cities, either. Fun. Though, it will still lag the Sacramento Kings NBA side by one city (Rochester Royals, Cincinnati Royals, Kansas City Kings, Kansas City-Omaha Kings, Sacramento Kings).

  • Escape Goat Nation

    This is why I hate Baseball.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=559017]Siberian Beetle[/re]: True, though if the previous thread taught us anything, it’s that real Americans are way bigger fans of elephantpunching.

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    Actually, it’s too early in the season to really give a shit (is what I always say).. *gulp*

    [re=559064]Sharkey[/re]: Yeah, Zimmerman? Should have had Greenberg at least.. Either that’s a customized jersey or some gay hipster baseball reference to ‘Turk 182!’.

  • mollymcguire

    Could be worse. They could have used a picture of Saxby Chambliss touching some 12-year-old’s breast.


  • obfuscator

    [re=559072]SayItWithWookies[/re]: sausage races, sausage making… all the same thing.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=559035]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: [re=559072]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Unlike the Emetophillie and Snatchional fans of today, those of the ’82 Brew Crew could keep their brat & beer smoothies to themselves while enjoying Ueck call another game-winning Vook puke.

    Also, the sexual act that shares its name with the drink known as a “Harvey Wallbanger” makes a donkeypunch look like a bunnycuddle.

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=559023]Radiotherapy[/re]: Beautiful.

    [re=559087]mollymcguire[/re]: There’s no Saxby in baseball!

  • Extemporanus

    [re=559072]SayItWithWookies[/re]: More simpatico to your point:

    Major League was filmed in Milwaukee — and specifically, at Milwaukee County Stadium — because Cleveland and its stadium were deemed not nearly ecomomically depressed and run down enough.

    I was a crowd extra during the filming of a few of the game scenes, and even the promise of a split-second of Hollywood screen time — and maybe a furtive jerk-job of Charlie Sheen or Wesley Snipes behind the craft servies table — wasn’t enough to drag more than a few hundred of us Milwaukeeans down to the stadium.

    We spent two days moving from one section to another so that every shot would have full bleachers. And giving Charlie & Wesley jerk-jobs.

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    I remember when Mike Schmidt was in a slump and a local radio station devised the har-har tongue twister: ‘Mike Schmidt sits and drinks Schlitz’..

  • Radiotherapy

    [re=559091]Extemporanus[/re]: And I thought it was steroids that ruined the game.

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=559091]Extemporanus[/re]: [re=559093]Radiotherapy[/re]: Oh, stop with the ever-changing avatar crap. You bore me.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=559094]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Feel better, you big, mishapen, cancer-pacified baby?

    I’ll be sure to let veteran ever-changing avatar crappers like El Pinche, loquaciousmusic, and bitchincamaro know how bored you are as well.

  • Edsdesk

    Jim Newell seems to misunderstand baseball chicks. They are a rather tough breed. Sometimes they ‘like it rough’….or perhaps I’m mistaken…it appears that Jim is posting this pic from a ‘FREEKIN ROLLER DERBY RINK’!!

  • Egregious

    I believe the kids these days are calling the act a “donkey punch.”

  • Chernobyl Soup

    [re=559094]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: [re=559095]Extemporanus[/re]:
    There’s a kind of hush all over the world, tonight
    All over the world you can hear the sounds of lovers in love

  • Barrelhse

    Do they have to be ginger?

  • TubeCity

    Lots of ladies like a little hair-pulling, but not in the ballpark, at least not during a game.

  • jennx

    [re=559024]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Not true! My friend (a woman!) managed to fall on the curling ice and get a concussion.

  • friendlynerd

    Damn, up here in Philly we just vomit on people we don’t like.

  • Way Cool Larry

    seriously– what was that artist thinking? Not to mention the graphics editor?

  • blowhard

    Ugh. I have to read 77 snarky comments and still not get an answer to “seriously, what the hell is this graphic even trying to depict?” Maybe it’s a bad crop of larger pic of people cheering. Agree with Way Cool Larry.

  • Edsdesk

    [re=559446]Way Cool Larry[/re]: Seriously Larry, there’s no editors in Baseball.

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=559095]Extemporanus[/re]: ;) you know I ♥ ya.