WONKETTE SUNDAY SPORTS DESK  6:16 pm April 18, 2010

Local Baseball Team Demands Violence From Season Ticket Holders

by Jim Newell

And now for your weekly update from the Wonkette Sunday Sports Desk: some people are losing some games, others are winning, whatever. But this weekend was a treat for the seven or eight Washington Nationals season-ticket holders, whose perforated booklets landed on the annual “Beat That Gal (Daughter? Wife? It Doesn’t Matter) Next To You” Promotional Event yesterday. Why do the Nationals hate nice ladies? Well, why not. Thank you for tuning in to this week’s edition of the Wonkette Sunday Sports Desk. [via Violence Against Ladies operative "Andrew D"]

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Hola wonkerados.

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Siberian Beetle April 18, 2010 at 6:22 pm

Donkeypunching: An American Tradition

Smoke Filled Roommate April 18, 2010 at 6:22 pm

Barfing on your wife/daughter is illustrated on Phillies season tickets.

ManchuCandidate April 18, 2010 at 6:23 pm

To be fair as the way the Nationals (Expos!) play, they hate everyone.

m_supercomputer April 18, 2010 at 6:37 pm

The Nationals are just following the greatest Washington sports tradition: utter failure, at everything. I’m very disappointed in the Capitals, speaking of which.

Radiotherapy April 18, 2010 at 6:50 pm

Crack her, Jack.

Monsieur Grumpe April 18, 2010 at 6:51 pm

This is why curling is the greatest sport in the universe. Nobody gets hurt.

obfuscator April 18, 2010 at 6:57 pm

[re=559024]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: and the pants are so stylish!

oldguy April 18, 2010 at 6:58 pm

Maybe they could beat girls.

Buzz Feedback April 18, 2010 at 6:59 pm

Bitch set me up.

nappyduggs April 18, 2010 at 7:04 pm

Iceberg Slim was a big baseball fan. Just sayin’.

chascates April 18, 2010 at 7:06 pm

This is the only case where there is crying in baseball.

ifthethunderdontgetya" April 18, 2010 at 7:12 pm

[re=559022]m_supercomputer[/re]: It’s 1-1, baybee!

Lionel Hutz Esq. April 18, 2010 at 7:13 pm

If you know a better way to get some strange women sitting next to you to give you a blow job, I would like to know it.

Long Form Def Certificate April 18, 2010 at 7:16 pm

The way the Nats did my Brew Crew, the woman really should have been wearing a Ryan Braun jersey.

(& now this becomes your anti-Semitic (even if he’s not observant) Wonkette Sunday Sports Desk post for the week.)

hoosiermama April 18, 2010 at 7:19 pm

That’s gotta hurt your hand, punching a girl in the skull. I would go for the more spongy, soft spots — and also avoid the arms, legs, and face as the bruises are more easily seen. As a former advocate for battered women, just sayin’ I got the inside scoop, is all.

hoosiermama April 18, 2010 at 7:20 pm

Also, WTF?

V572625694 April 18, 2010 at 7:29 pm

[re=559019]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Yeah right, but the so-called “Baltimore Orioles” are really the St Louis Browns. (St Louis: first in booze, first in shoes, and last in the American League!)

[re=559018]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Ha, and ha!

Words April 18, 2010 at 7:50 pm

[re=559038]hoosiermama[/re]: Ditto!

gradgrind April 18, 2010 at 8:21 pm

[re=559040]V572625694[/re]: And the so-called “Noo Yawk Y@n#ee$,” the correct spelling of whose name will cast a horrible spell over my keyboard, are really the “Baltimore Orioles” (until 1903 – you can look it up).

The only thing the 21st century Orioles have ever asked of me, their codependent — what you in other cities would call a “fan” — is to get slowly, carefully off the ledge. Every Frickin’ Season.

Chernobyl Soup April 18, 2010 at 8:44 pm

Jim, when you tell folks at parties that you write for the Wonkette Sunday Sports rag I’m guessing you get the same reaction as I get when I tell people I ran cross country in high school. A sympathetic look and a nod indicating “you just couldn’t hack it in the real world of sports, could ya?” Kind of like having a Canadian girlfriend.

Chernobyl Soup April 18, 2010 at 8:51 pm

[re=559045]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: Oh and before I get banned… I was making fun of me, not Jim, our All American All Conference All State of All Sports of All Time hero.

Jukesgrrl April 18, 2010 at 9:05 pm

When I went to Pirate games when I lived in Pittsburgh, they had a “Mullet Cam.” At boring moments in the game (most of the nine innings), the Mullet Cam zoomed in on people who still had mullet-hair (i.e. 25% of the audience) and put their pictures on the big screen for everyone else to laugh at. The mullet people would wave their fists and curse and try to give the finger on camera. Maybe the Nationals are just warning their fans that some sort of hair-do violence/entertainment is on the way.

Lascauxcaveman April 18, 2010 at 9:09 pm

[re=559040]V572625694[/re]: That masquerading team in Milwaukee will always be the Seattle Pilots to me.

ForTheTurnstiles April 18, 2010 at 9:16 pm

wake me when the zombie sonics do the job against the Los Angeles Jesus Quintanas. TrailBlazers by ten over the suns tonight, btw… Grant Hill gets a French lesson from Nico Batum.

Does anyone actually watch baseball?

Smoke Filled Roommate April 18, 2010 at 9:46 pm

[re=559049]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Blazers by ten over the Suns? C’mon…

hotdog April 18, 2010 at 9:47 pm

[re=559040]V572625694[/re]: And that’s not the only Browns team that Baltimore stole from another city.

lawrenceofthedesert April 18, 2010 at 9:47 pm

I love to watch the Cubs and other teams, too. Baseball has a wonderful 19th century tempo that’s great for practicing a musical instrument to (pardon the Midwesternism — it’s the favorite place in a sentence we Midwesterners put a preposition at) — worked hard on my cross picking today as Marmol blew a save. Watching the Cubs also is enlightening about false expectations, senseless optimism and the superstitious nature of the athlete. They are indeed cursed — better them than me.

betterDeadThanRed April 18, 2010 at 9:56 pm

Calling the Nationals a “Local Baseball Team” is like calling the “Washington Senators” (Texas Rangers) a baseball team. You’re taking liberties with the term “baseball team.”

Pete-O April 18, 2010 at 9:58 pm

[re=559053]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: When I was in college, I would go study in the bleachers of our local MLB team during afternoon week games. No one there, tix were 10 bucks, and I could watch the game live.

Katydid April 18, 2010 at 10:00 pm

[re=559034]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: We have got to talk.

Pete-O April 18, 2010 at 10:01 pm

Also, Nationals logo is total ripoff of Walgreens. Which is where the blond chick (or dirty hippie dude) is going right after the single serving of whoop-ass.

El Pinche April 18, 2010 at 10:04 pm

Rubbish! He’s not hitting that bitch upon her head, he’s just holding on to her blow-job handle.

Jim89048 April 18, 2010 at 10:05 pm

[re=559049]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Does anyone actually watch baseball?
I only watch sports that deplete natural resources, because why the hell not? It’s what Jeebus wants, also.

the problem child April 18, 2010 at 10:06 pm

[re=559049]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Not any more, but I still love the game. Too many commercials, and my Expos got turned into something unrecognizable. Oh, if by “watch”, you mean people on a Saturday afternoon just playing in the sun and having a beer in the dugout, yes.

Sharkey April 18, 2010 at 10:35 pm


I’m guessing someone has a grudge against Bobbie Dylan.

Lionel Hutz Esq. April 18, 2010 at 11:01 pm

[re=559056]Katydid[/re]: You’re right, you’re right. I forgot the Eric Massa tickle fight maneuver.

Mr Blifil April 18, 2010 at 11:15 pm

Her fucking roots are a travesty. A dye job that back deserves a punch in the head.

SayItWithWookies April 18, 2010 at 11:57 pm

It’s actually a stereotype that Nationlas fans are all violent misogynists with skin that looks like it’s been basted in a 350 degree oven for an hour every ten pounds. They’re actually more educated, have a higher income level, and are more like the working class people they pretend to be than you Hollywood liberal elitist pigs are. Or Brewers fans.

Long Form Def Certificate April 19, 2010 at 12:22 am

[re=559040]V572625694[/re]: [re=559040]V572625694[/re]: & the St. Louis Browns were the original Milwaukee Brewers. Look it up.

Cannot wait ’til the Athletics move to Portland, Ore., & become the first MLB team to play in four cities, either. Fun. Though, it will still lag the Sacramento Kings NBA side by one city (Rochester Royals, Cincinnati Royals, Kansas City Kings, Kansas City-Omaha Kings, Sacramento Kings).

Escape Goat Nation April 19, 2010 at 1:21 am

This is why I hate Baseball.

Extemporanus April 19, 2010 at 2:08 am

[re=559017]Siberian Beetle[/re]: True, though if the previous thread taught us anything, it’s that real Americans are way bigger fans of elephantpunching.

Smoke Filled Roommate April 19, 2010 at 2:20 am

Actually, it’s too early in the season to really give a shit (is what I always say).. *gulp*

[re=559064]Sharkey[/re]: Yeah, Zimmerman? Should have had Greenberg at least.. Either that’s a customized jersey or some gay hipster baseball reference to ‘Turk 182!’.

mollymcguire April 19, 2010 at 2:24 am

Could be worse. They could have used a picture of Saxby Chambliss touching some 12-year-old’s breast.


obfuscator April 19, 2010 at 2:36 am

[re=559072]SayItWithWookies[/re]: sausage races, sausage making… all the same thing.

Extemporanus April 19, 2010 at 2:37 am

[re=559035]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: [re=559072]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Unlike the Emetophillie and Snatchional fans of today, those of the ’82 Brew Crew could keep their brat & beer smoothies to themselves while enjoying Ueck call another game-winning Vook puke.

Also, the sexual act that shares its name with the drink known as a “Harvey Wallbanger” makes a donkeypunch look like a bunnycuddle.

Smoke Filled Roommate April 19, 2010 at 2:38 am

[re=559023]Radiotherapy[/re]: Beautiful.

[re=559087]mollymcguire[/re]: There’s no Saxby in baseball!

Extemporanus April 19, 2010 at 3:06 am

[re=559072]SayItWithWookies[/re]: More simpatico to your point:

Major League was filmed in Milwaukee — and specifically, at Milwaukee County Stadium — because Cleveland and its stadium were deemed not nearly ecomomically depressed and run down enough.

I was a crowd extra during the filming of a few of the game scenes, and even the promise of a split-second of Hollywood screen time — and maybe a furtive jerk-job of Charlie Sheen or Wesley Snipes behind the craft servies table — wasn’t enough to drag more than a few hundred of us Milwaukeeans down to the stadium.

We spent two days moving from one section to another so that every shot would have full bleachers. And giving Charlie & Wesley jerk-jobs.

Smoke Filled Roommate April 19, 2010 at 3:17 am

I remember when Mike Schmidt was in a slump and a local radio station devised the har-har tongue twister: ‘Mike Schmidt sits and drinks Schlitz’..

Radiotherapy April 19, 2010 at 3:20 am

[re=559091]Extemporanus[/re]: And I thought it was steroids that ruined the game.

Smoke Filled Roommate April 19, 2010 at 3:31 am

[re=559091]Extemporanus[/re]: [re=559093]Radiotherapy[/re]: Oh, stop with the ever-changing avatar crap. You bore me.

Extemporanus April 19, 2010 at 4:13 am

[re=559094]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Feel better, you big, mishapen, cancer-pacified baby?

I’ll be sure to let veteran ever-changing avatar crappers like El Pinche, loquaciousmusic, and bitchincamaro know how bored you are as well.

Edsdesk April 19, 2010 at 4:57 am

Jim Newell seems to misunderstand baseball chicks. They are a rather tough breed. Sometimes they ‘like it rough’….or perhaps I’m mistaken…it appears that Jim is posting this pic from a ‘FREEKIN ROLLER DERBY RINK’!!

Egregious April 19, 2010 at 8:03 am

I believe the kids these days are calling the act a “donkey punch.”

Chernobyl Soup April 19, 2010 at 8:07 am

[re=559094]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: [re=559095]Extemporanus[/re]:
There’s a kind of hush all over the world, tonight
All over the world you can hear the sounds of lovers in love

Barrelhse April 19, 2010 at 8:54 am

Do they have to be ginger?

TubeCity April 19, 2010 at 10:14 am

Lots of ladies like a little hair-pulling, but not in the ballpark, at least not during a game.

jennx April 19, 2010 at 10:50 am

[re=559024]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Not true! My friend (a woman!) managed to fall on the curling ice and get a concussion.

friendlynerd April 19, 2010 at 12:51 pm

Damn, up here in Philly we just vomit on people we don’t like.

Way Cool Larry April 19, 2010 at 1:17 pm

seriously– what was that artist thinking? Not to mention the graphics editor?

blowhard April 19, 2010 at 2:21 pm

Ugh. I have to read 77 snarky comments and still not get an answer to “seriously, what the hell is this graphic even trying to depict?” Maybe it’s a bad crop of larger pic of people cheering. Agree with Way Cool Larry.

Edsdesk April 19, 2010 at 2:46 pm

[re=559446]Way Cool Larry[/re]: Seriously Larry, there’s no editors in Baseball.

Smoke Filled Roommate April 19, 2010 at 5:25 pm

[re=559095]Extemporanus[/re]: ;) you know I ♥ ya.

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