CNN SCOOP: SECRET 'AMENDMENT ONE' DISCOVERED AT END OF CONSTITUTION

CNN's Experts have done it again: they have split another very difficult difference! You say the First Amendment says this, but I say free speech makes me sad sometimes! Who is more right? No one, duh! 50-50 FOREVER! PERFECT COMPLACENCY! EVERYBODY IS RIGHT AND WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING, FA LA LA LA LA!

 This is one of the strangest opening sentences we've ever read:

(CNN) -- Letting disgruntled citizens vent is important to national security, experts say, but some messages emanating from angry Americans in recent weeks have pressed the boundaries of free speech.

Another rule of CNN: "...is important to national security" is a Very Serious and Respectable take on anything, especially when Experts say it.

• Letting people buy KFC Double Down Fat Sandwiches to escape their terrible, sad lives for a brief moment is important to national security, experts say, but some local reports suggest that this new sandwich presses the boundaries of healthy food.

• Letting people take poops when their tummies feel real big and weird is important to national security, experts say, but some recent data suggest that maybe pooping all the time is smelly.

• Mr. Potatohead is important to national security, experts say, but sometimes Mr. Potatohead goes too far.

Etc etc.

Anyway, what else... oh! Do you want to know wherein lies the paradox for a country like the United States?

Therein lies the paradox for a country like the United States, where free speech is guaranteed. It's healthy to allow groups to vent, experts say, but not to the point that they incite violence.

If only we could understand the Harvard+Yale combined legalese of these Experts. We think they're trying to say that you can't threaten people with violence and stuff. Or maybe they're trying to say that you can do that? 50-50!

[ CNN ]