It’s almost election time on Merry Olde Knifecrime Island. What’s going on over there, anyway? Nobody knows! Voldemort’s smoke plume covered the whole of Great Britain, but we can safely assume the natives continue their usual activities of binge drinking and binge stabbing while their bastard children perform webcam sex shows from derelict council flats. And J.K. Rowling, known as “England’s Entire Economy,” has something to say about the evil Tories trying to sell themselves as newly cuddly and nice to people other than landed lords.
Before Rowling sold a gazillion books, she was a divorced mom trying to cover child-care costs from her meager earnings. And the Tory leadership of this distant past — the middle 1990s — loved nothing more than railing against poor single mums trying to raise kids by themselves after daddy went to the pub one morning and never came back.
I became a hate figure to a certain section of the press, and a bogeyman to the Tory Government. Peter Lilley, then Secretary of State at the DSS, had recently entertained the Conservative Party conference with a spoof Gilbert and Sullivan number, in which he decried “young ladies who get pregnant just to jump the housing list”. The Secretary of State for Wales, John Redwood, castigated single-parent families from St Mellons, Cardiff, as “one of the biggest social problems of our day”. (John Redwood has since divorced the mother of his children.) Women like me (for it is a curious fact that lone male parents are generally portrayed as heroes, whereas women left holding the baby are vilified) were, according to popular myth, a prime cause of social breakdown, and in it for all we could get: free money, state-funded accommodation, an easy life.
But now, smiling conservative child David Cameron is trying to convince the sodden population that the Tories have become kind & loving, even if they still want to take away all the social services barely keeping the U.K. from the same kind of plunge into total barbarism that occurred when the Romans washed their hands of the place exactly 1,600 years ago. Ms. Rowling wants the few remaining voters to know that Tories are *not* to be trusted, even if they put up posters of colored people saying, “I never thought I would vote Tory, but I’m a bit dumb.”
Anyway, whether the Tories or Labour win on May 6, Britain is broke and doomed. Not even an army of Ms. Rowling’s famous flying hobbits could send enough spells to bring King Narnia back to slay Admiral Ackbar, the Socialist Lion of Christ. [Times of London]
{ 50 comments }
“…Admiral Ackbar, the Socialist Lion of Christ.”
This (and the rest of the sentence) is genius. A masterpiece of obfuscated prose.
Am I a bad person for wanting to turn this into a BNP poster?
Britain is awash with talk of a hung parliament, but disappointed that does not mean that they get to hang their MPs.
[re=557369]4tehlulz[/re]: Crap, the html tag was fuxx0rd. This
Ken, that smoke plume is Locke, and Rowling is right. No matter what the Tories and he tell you about getting off the island on the downed plane, no major plot threads can conceivably be resolved with 4 episodes left.
The Tories should stop trying to present themselves as nice and friendly, and instead take a page from our conservatives and just go batshit crazy with frothing rage.
“I never thought I would vote Tory, but Gordon Brown is a Sekrit Marxist Kenyan Muslin who wants to kill all the olds!!”
“I’ve never voted Tory before but I didn’t need to because that idiot Blair became Dubya’s fucking lapdog.”
I find it rather difficult to take someone named “Just Kidding” seriously.
binge stabbing and your last sentence slayed me.
“Labour’s Ronnie Campbell, fighting to be re-elected as Blyth Valley’s MP, has warned politicians on all sides that they most be more open about the harsh realities of so-called “efficiency savings” and the impact they will have in places such as the North East.
“In an outspoken interview he said his own Labour party was proposing spending cuts which would “cut your throat slowly…but [the Tories] would cut your heads off”
http://www.journallive.co.uk/north-east-news/todays-news/2010/04/15/ronnie-campbell-calls-for-honesty-over-public-sector-job-cuts-61634-26246408/
Yeah..when both Labor and the Tories intend to kill you, Britain is on the road to fun and wild ride down the road of reaction…Just in time for the fascists to enter the scene.
I think the Tories should be worried about her because you don’t want to lose the all-important 20-something to kiddy voting demographic. Plus, she could buy the entire country and turn it into a giant amusement park like they’re building for her in Florida if she wanted to.
[re=557378]Mista Eko[/re]: Don’t even get me started on it.
But.. But.. If elected the Tories will reverse the Hunting Act of 2004.
In Britian, the Conservatives go out of their way to hide what dicks they are. In America they go out of their way to make sure it all hangs out in front of the cameras.
Dumbledore – gay you know.
/AADD
Thank god England’s alcohol consumption is still on track, unlike every other European country (save Poland, but I’ll still reserve mocking them for later). Drunken baby making, ahoy.
In the 60s the Brits’ major export was rock n roll. Some years back when martinis became way cool they thought it might be gin, but that crashed on a reef of onions and olives. Today it’s Harry Potter. As far as oils stains on your garage floor, Morgan is the only Brit-owned marque left, and with it ya need to know mortise & tenon as well as welding and torque
wrenchesspanners.Warm & fuzzy Torytards seems even loopier that Dubya’s cum passion-play conservatism. “Cross yer footsies pleeeze, we’re tryin’ to save teatard taxy monies from being wasted on extra nails.”
[re=557406]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: You just had to remind us of the “waterboard Obama” breasts.
What ho cheerio, chaps, have I been redirected to “Wonkette, the Westminster Gossip”? Bit of all right, I must say.
[re=557406]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: So that’s what [re=557374]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: means by a “hung Parliament”. Well, that change could be good.
[re=557434]V572625694[/re]: Don’t do this. It’d be fun, but I’m just not fluent enough to keep up.
“Batley and Spen’s own Sarah Palin” replies
“I’ve never voted Tory before but I’ve never been this drunk before either.”
[re=557446]Zadig[/re]: Just brush up on your Python:
“What-ho chaps! Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how’s-your-father. Harry Blighter dickie-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspie, flipped over on his Betty Harpers and caught his can in the bertie.”
Simple!
[re=557450]tcb[/re]: Linky damnation. Better to paste on my feet than link on my knees:
http://tinyurl.com/y4nqnw2
I’ve never voted Tory before, but now that I’ve been lobotomized, their platform makes so much more sense! TeaBuggery 4EVAH!
I’ve never voted Tory before but John McCain is a big gay homosexual wizard named Dumbledore.
Ken, obviously you are not a student of British Lit like I am, or you would have realized you are mixing up a couple of different writers and novels.
Admiral Ackbar was in fact Peter Rabbit’s father, while the flying hobbits are from A.A. Milne’s classic Winnie the Pooh and the Socialist Take Over of England. If you had seen Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, (itself a remake of Mel Gibson’s Hamlet), this would have been clear to you.
Perhaps they’d like to enlist as a colony of the US? Full circle.
Well, Joanne writes about magic and fairies and flying brooms – what does she know about anything. And besides, *everyone* knows that John Redwood’s an enormous asshole in the world, so you can’t really blame the Tories for him.
I’m impressed with Ken’s Harry Potter references though, and assume that they’re accurate. Way to show off the well-rounded literary tastes…
I stay in this septic isle, and this is the best aggregation of the political scene I’ve read to date.
Also. Never trust a Tory.
[re=557503]mercure[/re]: I’d wager that writing about magical fairies and gay wizards (to say nothing of a made-up sport where dudes rough-house on phallic broomsticks and play with balls) makes you a pretty solid expert on the conservative movement in general.
[re=557455]tcb[/re]: I’m utterly gobsmacked!
Never piss off someone who is going to be very rich someday.
I think Andy Capp was England’s original
teabaggertea infuser.This is a country that is so stabby and drunky that its greatest scientific minds got together to invent a shatterproof pint glass that could not be turned into the pub brawler’s weapon of choice. http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/news/world/stories/DN-pint_05int.ART.State.Edition2.4be5b0e.html
NOTHING. Can beat Admiral Ackbar. Because he has a Mon Calamari Intergalactic Cruiser. Suck it Aslan and your “fur.”
[re=557560]steve[/re]: Not to mention that he has great sensory perception, something that allows him to sniff out traps before anyone else can.
[re=557451]KilgoreTrout_XL[/re]: Dear Penthouse Forum: I never voted Tory before until the night I bet a bloke at the pub who shared his MacTadcaster’s and roofies that one night….”
I read the Harry Potter series to my daughter, and now we moved onto LOTR (she’s 9). While reading The Hobbit she remarked at how much the book seemed to steal ideas from Harry Potter. To which I responded: “How fucking stupid do you have to be?”
[re=557627]Mr Blifil[/re]:
Right? Fucking 9 year-olds never know anything about Modern-era epic or gothic fantasy! I bet she doesn’t know when the Gormighast novels were written either!
Shouldn’t Ross Doubtthat get credit for that last paragraph?
I hope a lot of young, single Stabster Moms who live in poverty vote this year.
Shorter version: John Redwood is a sniveling little rat-faced git.
See what happens to a country’s economy once you have single payer health care.
[re=557502]TGY[/re]: It’s already happened.
My understanding of British government says that should a party not have enough seats to “form a government” with a Prime Minister, then the duty falls to HM Elizabeth II as ruler of the drunken isle, defender of the faith, bringer of fire and whatnot to find a suitable PM and so appoint him/her, kneeling before ‘er Majesty (and purse) at Buckingham Palace. I suppose the PM could come from either house? Baroness Thatcher? Her Majesty on line 1. (Them Windsors are Tories in their hearts). If it can be any old git, maybe we’ve found a spot for Mrs. Parker Bowles Windsor, Camilla of the Trees.
[re=557374]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: A “hung parliament”, you say? That’s a bit scary, if you asked me. A bunch of blokes (or blokettes) all hopped up on viagra trawling through the Isle of Knifrecrime? No thanks.
BTW, Ken’s description of the situation is the most beautiful satire I’ve seen in some time. God that was good.
“…but we can safely assume the natives continue their usual activities of binge drinking and binge stabbing while their bastard children perform webcam sex shows from derelict council flats.”
References to binge drinking? Check.
References to knife crime? Double Check.
References to bastard children? Yup.
Derelict council estates? Uh huh.
Well, you get the picture. It was great.
The Tories were slow as treacle coming up with a message. They bumbled embarrassingly through the last election. The Labour party taking over the platform of idiot war forever and let’s sell our children to the banks, Dicken’s style, left the Tories bereft of distinguishing policy ideas.
The Brits are, understandably, ready to vote for anyone else. But it’s a trap! The Tories are still black hearted meritocracy hating pasty bodied aristos. What a fuck-awful position to be in. The Brits should recolonize someplace to make themselves feel better. I bet Canada would be game.
J.K.R. is quite correct- Conservatives always try to cosy up to working class people (ie. the people they most intend to completely fuck over once they’re in office) before an election. Why do they do it? Because, what ho chaps! So many of the blighters fall for it every time.
I’d say it was like Charlie Brown and the football except, unlike Lucy, the Conservatives proudly announce beforehand that they intend to whip the football away… Go figure.
[re=557827]Captain Swing[/re]: The answer is that the working class is full of masochists.
Comments on this entry are closed.