Disgusting Capitol Hill Cancer Machine Now Operable Again!

  some dog labeled 'cheddar'

An ecstatic Hill staffer spreads the good news — nay, the best news for Hill staffers in probably their whole lives! “Here is a picture of the cock-tease hot dog vending machine that has been inoperable for the past 6 months. With the passage of health care reform which means free coverage for everyone except white males over age 50, the machine is now back in working order so that we can get fat and Obama’s death panels can’t do shit about it. You can get an Oscar Meyer weiner for $2.00, and some dog labeled ‘cheddar’ for $3.00.” Almost makes you want to work there. All hail the Cancer Machine!

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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35 comments

  1. V572625694

    It takes so little to make them happy: machine-vended tubes of death, subsequent employment as lobbyists at $umpty-zillion/year.

  2. Beowoof

    I have cheddar dog for Joe LIEberman. He can suck it all day as it keeps producing cheddar. And best of all as a Jooooo I can certify its kosher.

  3. Lascauxcaveman

    I used to buy Kosher Spicy Bagel Dogs from a vending machine at the teevee station I used to work at.

    Damn, those were good, with lots of yellow mustard. Best dollar(s) I ever spent on lunch(es). I wonder if those things still exist?

  4. Smoke Filled Roommate

    One of Eric Massa’s favorite hiding places. Before the machine broke, everybody was wondering why exactly you couldn’t get the hot dog out of the machine on the first few tries.

  5. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Mmmmm, nitrites. Also, don’t forget to wash it all down with gallons of delicious and nutritious carbonated high fructose corn syrup and artificial flavoring!

  6. Extemporanus

    [re=555256]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: That reminds me of a story one of his shipmates told:

    A young sailor [Seaman Recruit Massa] on a Navy ship had been out to sea for weeks, and was beginning to go through sex withdrawal. Fed up with the lack of sex, he asked one of his shipmates what he did when the pressure was too much to take.

    “Well, there’s a barrel with a hole in it near the mop storage. When it gets to be too much for us, we use that.”

    So the sailor went over to the barrel and decided to give it a go. Finding it was better than he’d expected, he began using it regularly, and his problems seemed to vanish.

    After a couple of weeks, his commanding officer began to take notice, and said, “You seem to be a lot more relaxed. What’s your secret?”

    The sailor, embarrassed to give a straight answer, simply said he’d been getting better rest.

    “Well good, sailor. You’re going to need it,” replied the officer. “Today’s your turn in the barrel.”

    In some ways, Eric Massa is still in that barrel. (Or vending machine, as it were…)

  7. Nappied Hypotenuse

    I remember when I first read “Some Dog Labeled Cheddar.” It was like “Where the Red Fern Grows,” but with cheese. And now I’m tearing up again.

  8. One Yield Regular

    Can’t be any worse than the micro-waved-in-plastic-wrap “Turkey Dog” I recently had on a flight out of Houston as recompense for our being stuck on the tarmac for two hours.

  9. bfstevie

    [re=555269]Extemporanus[/re]: Wonderful re-working of the funniest joke ever. Punchiline: But sir, the men always ride the camel into town.

    I hope Newell doesn’t yell at me today.

  10. Radiotherapy

    I’ve said this a million times: there is nothing funny about cancer.
    Now hot dog jokes….knock-knock yourselves out.

  11. GOPCrusher

    When is a Death Panel not a Death Panel?
    When it’s a hot dog vending machine.

    There are two things that should not be sold from a vending machine. Hot dogs and live bait.

  12. Diana Davies

    [re=555258]Not_So_Much[/re]: Don’t forget the chicken lips and dicks. Those are the best part, imho.

  13. Berkeley Bear

    That machine is exactly why Congress has doctors on staff around the clock. I’d sooner eat street meat in the worst slums of Bangladesh than anything out of that machine.

  14. Hedley Lamar

    There’s one of these at the CIA as well. You’d hate to see loose Dockers hangin on people.

  15. coolcatdaddy

    Funny … when I heard the words “Cancer Machine” and “Weiners”, I think of George W. Bush for some reason.

  16. Lazy Media

    Oh, man, I would so wear that machine out. I figure the booze is gonna kill me LONG before the hot dogs do (and my genetics will give me only another 20 years, anyway, so wtf).

    Best hot dogs I’ve had, in no particular order after No. 1:

    Papaya King on the upper east side (holy CRAP, that’s a superior dog)
    Ben’s chili smoke (technically not a hot dog, and the chili is sort of guilding the lily)
    Kay’s Ice Cream hot dog in Jeffersonville, Tennessee
    Nu-Way Weiner in Macon, Ga
    Smokey Mountain Market “gut bomb” chili dogs in Knoxville
    Sabrett’s “dirty water” dog from a cart in NYC
    Varsity chili-cheese dog in Atlanta
    Chicago-style dog from some place next to Wrigley Field
    Nathan’s Famous at Coney Island

  17. CommitteeOfTheHole

    I personally eat out of that hot dog vending machine on a regular basis, and I can tell you it’s in many ways the apex of our civilization. Where else can you get a piping hot, oscar meyer weiner on a freshly toasted bun at 3:00 AM? In communist CHINA? I seriously fucking doubt it. U-S-A.

  18. sanantonerose

    Papaya King? Really? I’ll have to go next time I’m in NYC.

    Nathan’s famous at Coney Island is superduper.

  19. doloras

    [re=555308]GOPCrusher[/re]: You forgot “used schoolgirl’s panties”. Hope this helps.

  20. Berkeley Bear

    [re=555399]Lazy Media[/re]: Your list of dogs is decidedly east coast biased. While the fair city of Chicago makes several fine contributions (including the classic Chicago, Maxwell St Polish Sausage and the intriguing tamale/hot dog/chile combo some call the “step mother”) you shouldn’t ignore the West Coast completely. In Berkeley, in particular, is a little hole in the wall called Top Dog that serves something like 15 types of sausage until well after the bars close – everything from natural casing skinny hot dogs to knockwursts to lemon chicken sausage. SF has great little hot dog and sausage vendors, too (like they have of everything food related). LA is, as so often, a wasteland (although Tommy’s pastrami and In n’ Out Burgers do redeem them a little in the fast food wars).

    But I still am scared of that vending machine.

  21. mayor_quimby

    In my liberal arts degree mill dorms we had a french-fry machine that would somehow magically fry, not bake, fresh shoestring fries, and dispense ketchup packs and salt. It was the best damn thing ever! And there was no bigger disappointment than heading over to the machine and seeing the fucking red light flashing that it was out of potatoes. Like getting kicked in the balls by a leprechaun.

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